Did you hear about the Wisconsin man who is charged with having sex with a dead deer that he found in a ditch?
His defense was that the deer was already dead, so it wasn’t technically an “animal” when the sex happened. The judge disagreed and ruled that a dead deer is still an animal.
This decision sets a dangerous precedent. By the judge’s reasoning, any guy who gets aroused while wearing leather pants has – in the strictest legal terms – his wiener in a cow.
The story doesn’t mention if the dead dear was male or female. That’s important because I want to know if the perpetrator was gay. Without that information, I don’t know how fascinated I should be.
And lord help me, I can’t stop wondering what specific kind of sex he had. Did he arrange the deer in missionary position – which is the way I prefer to imagine it – or was he just getting a little antler? Was he whispering sweet nothings, or was he having angry sex and yelling something along the lines of “I…TOLD…YOU…TO…STAY…OUT…OF…THE…ROAD!!!!”
The story doesn’t mention if the perpetrator tapped the deer where he found it in the ditch or if he dragged it home and put lipstick on it first. My guess is that he got busy right in the ditch, based on three facts:
1. Deer are heavy.
2. He got caught.
3. If a man is horny enough to fornicate with a dead deer, he’s probably too horny to wait until he gets it home.
I’m trying to picture the cop arriving on the scene. The deer-humper looks up from the ditch, sees the cop looking down at him, and asks himself this question: “Is there any point in stopping?” It seems to me that the legal punishment for man-on-deer sex would be exactly the same whether you finish or not. I picture him holding up two fingers and saying to the cop, “Just two minutes. Almost done.”
The cop wouldn’t mind waiting. He’d be busy covering his entire body and the back seat of his cruiser with plastic gloves before he handcuffed the guy.
I also wonder what the cop was thinking. If I were the cop, I’d be worrying that this would be the exact time I had a coincidental heart attack, rolled into the ditch, and became part of this guy’s threesome. This is why people like me do not become cops. I worry about all the wrong things.
Some people might say this was a victimless crime, but I think that depends on whether the perpetrator has recently broken up with a girlfriend. If so, I would say she’s not too happy about this development. It’s one thing to lose your guy to a cheerleader, but it really has to sting when you lose your guy to road kill. How did he break it to her? “It’s not you, baby, it’s me…and a carcass I noticed on route 9.”
Anyway, the moral of this story – and there is one – is that if you ever see a dead deer in a ditch, and you are aroused by it, your best strategy is to pass the buck.
Or get a windowless van.