The Things I Say

Last night, the full moon was low and bright over the horizon on a clear California evening. It looked extra large. “Wow,” said my beautiful wife. “Look at the moon.” It was spectacular, perched above the silhouette of townhouses in the distance. One extroverted star and a wisp of night clouds completed the composition. For two newlyweds on their way to a Saturday night dinner, it was a perfect moment.

There are many romantic things that you can say when looking at the moonlit sky. I decided to go with “It looks like the moon is going to crash into the Earth and annihilate us.”

“What?” said my wife, still lost in the magic of the moment.

“The moon looks extra large. That’s either because of the refraction from the additional atmosphere at that angle, or the moon lost its orbit and its going to destroy all life on earth.”

“I think we would have heard something on the news if the moon were heading toward us,” Shelly pointed out.

“Not necessarily. The government might have decided there was nothing we could do about it, so there’s no point in ruining our weekend,” I countered.

When it comes to romance, the important thing is to win the argument. So at this point I was committed. I was going to make the best possible case I could that the moon was going to kill us. I continued, “Besides, how competent is our government anyway? It’s not as if this would be its first big mistake, or the first time they didn’t tell us the truth.”

Shelly got quiet after I made that excellent point. That’s how I know I won. And it felt good because I know she was thinking how lucky she is to have married a man who knows so much about moons and governments.

Comments

[Your_Housekeeper]

Heya Boss, if we didn't know what a brain the Mrs. is, I'd give your marriage 3 years. That's when the pheromones wear off, sexual desire from hormone cacophony loses strength, and you've tried every recipe in "The Joy of Naked Food Preparation"...UNLESS, you have a spiritual and intellectual bond. Then, a marriage can last "till crossing over doth us part". Ya still need to whip out some flowers and her favorite perk. [day at a spa? massage by the pool boy?? Ghiradelli chocolates???]. I made up the couch in your den for the next time you wax on in such steamy verbal prowess, you Big Brain You! Please comment some day on why we have to switch from perfectly wonderful analog signals to digital. I suspect Big Brother is just wanting to see our porn surfing...speaking of which, does anyone else have this problem: I [innocently] used my real email address way back when in here and now I get an average of 20 porn spams per day...somehow they miss my spam filter. Not fun. I changed enough diapers at the nursing home, so getting-off on men pee-peeing on women with large mons veneri is *not* my cup of tea. OK, gotta go chase the objects you dropped behind the toilet as you were cathcing up on your reading... the article at Yahoo news about TV signals is here: See: http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20070313/tc_nm/digital_dc;_ylt=ArF9Ls5FXLfAGb4HGkOJN4Jk24cA

[gorf]

By far the best blog post ever!

[katty]

wow

[Ben]

I had more or less the same confirmation with one of my friends walking home Saturday night. No one would tell us the moon's hurtling towards us.

[IGC]

Now this was a really funny post.lmao

[Chris]

Scott, you haven't been married long have you. In marriage, you can be right, or you can have sex. Your call.

[Highlander]

Scott,

Your appropriate response should have been: Yes, it hangs in the sky, like a large nubile boob!

[Highlander]

Scott,

Your appropriate response should have been: Yes, it hangs in the sky, like a large nubile boob!

[Highlander]

Scott,

Your appropriate response should have been: Yes, it hangs in the sky, like a large nubile boob!

[Matt]

Scott,

Did you read a lot of Kurt Vonnegut growing up?

[Ray]

My wife and I were really excited to eat at Stacey's Cafe in Pleasanton a few years ago, just because it was YOUR wife's restaurant. Now you go and tell us that your wife's name is SHELLEY!!! I've never felt so deceived, or so, so, so violated!!!!! You are not Dilbert at all. You are that pointy haired man!
a former fan,
Bob

[yeah]

Actually, the refraction of the atmosphere has nothing to do with the apparent size of the moon. To prove this, go out the next time there is a big full moon, turn your back to it, and look at it from between your legs. I am sure that you will see it really is no bigger than normal.

[Paul Wright]

The trick is actually to marry another science nerd (doctorate in Chemistry in my case) then your spouse will probably get all techie back, and you can spend a lovely evening together doing algebra. It's marrying outside the tribe that leads to problems...

[Rudy Phelps]

Actually, the moon IS moving towards us. Slowly. Tidal forces, and drag from the (thin) atmosphere up at moon level is slowing it's orbit, so it gets closer.

On the other hand, maybe the obesity epidemic in the US has finally reached the tipping point where the collective gravity of the citizens is actually managing to affect astronomical objects.

[dubya]

Scott:

You're right. I would't tell anyone.

Sincerely,

George

[Triston]

BEEP BEEP WHOOP WHOOP BEEP BEEP

Attention Men:

If this had been a real argument the wife would not have simply given up and gone on with the rest of the evening. The Institute of Arguments (IA) has declared this only to be a moment of geekiness by the man. If this had been an actual argument, Scott would not have felt like he had won. We at IA have declared this a false positive. If a real argument had been won, the moon would have crashed into the Earth.

BEEP BEEP WHOOP WHOOP BEEP BEEP

We now return you to married life.

[Mark Harrison]

Any technology that allows us to listen to blogs is clearly evil.

Had I been driving when a computer read that to me, I would have crashed. No question.

[Lise Breakey]

You poor romantic fool.

[jimbot]

Scott,

Hmmmmm, thats a good way to shoot yourself in the foot!

You: Trying to be funny in your anxiety/obssesive-compulsive kind of way...

She: Trying to get you to say something romantic...

Yeah, guys just don't "get it" as far as romance goes...

The proper response would have been: "Yeah babe, and Im just so glad to be looking at the moon while Im with you, you complete me. You know, I never really noticed the moon until I met you"...

*sigh*

I feel your pain because its the story of my life also-
It just seems that quirky humor does not score so high on the Soul-Mate list...

[Ric]

I am so glad to hear I'm not the only one saying dumb-ass things like that.

Similar thing happened to me back when we lived in California. The sun was setting out over the ocean and my wife said something along the lines of "It is so nice how we're the last ones to see the sun set" (referring to how we were way out on the west coast) and my response was "Except for Hawaii because they are farther west...and Japan is getting ready to see it come up" She was not at all impressed of my grasp of geography

[Edward Wolf]

Great writing! Simply great writing!

[ShChappie]

Scott,
Can't you give us a mechanism to collectively lift the (few) amusing/thoughtful respondents to the top? For the general good? In other words, solve the internet's central problem...

[Ambrozote]

newly wed and already without sex life?

[Real Live Girl]

After reading about Young Evil You and Romantic You, I am reminded of a similar scorching romantical treatment that played out long ago.

In the two years we were together, he would often tell me, "Don't look directly at the sun. It will burn your retinas." Like I'm ever going to forget a piece of information like that, but the reminders appeared like he was taking his boyfriend job seriously and putting the sun on notice he was wise to its tricks.

But I guess there were times he forgot just how much I enjoyed the gift of sight. Those were the days he'd say, "Let's go to the beach and watch the sunset."

He must have liked conversations that began with, "But you said..."

I still have my retinas. I hope he and his blind wife are very happy.

[BobWyzguy]

Having been married almost 29 years, I have found that you can be right or you can be happy. I voted for happy.

Or the old joke - how do you know when a man is wrong? His lips are moving.

I have found that deep, profound silences with the occassional "Hmmmm" keeps me out of trouble most days.

BTW when you get to the question she will ask: "do these pants make my ass look fat?" the only possible answer is: "your ass makes those pants look fabuluous."