World’s Most Annoying Man

Yesterday I was flying across the country. My biggest fear when flying isn’t that the jet might crash; it’s that I might end up sitting next to the World’s Most Annoying Man for five hours. Theoretically, such a person exists. I mean, SOMEONE has to be the most annoying man in the world. And there’s a good chance that he flies. After yesterday, I’m reasonably sure that he looks like Mr. Clean on crack, and he was sitting next to me in seat 3D.

As you know, when people use headphones, they talk too loudly because they can’t hear themselves. I learned that this phenomenon extends to nasal sounds in the sniff-snort category. Mr. Clean on crack was rocking out to his iPod and sniff-snorting so loudly every few seconds that the flight crew kept looking out the window to see if a pterodactyl was attacking the fuselage.

Oh, I’m just getting started.

The World’s Most Annoying Man enjoyed whatever was on the little airplane TV after the feature film. He displayed his happiness by rocking back and forth and making a sound like a horse with his ‘nads caught on a barbed wire fence. It went something like EEYOOOREE-SNORT-SNIFF-EEEEYOOOREEE! If you have ever tried to take a nap when Mr. Clean on crack is gelding himself next to you, then you know it isn’t easy.

The World’s Most Annoying Man ordered a beer before takeoff. And another every half hour. Add to this picture his bladder that was the size of a mosquito’s pancreas, and you can imagine how many times I had to unbuckle and rebuckle. Several times he had to go see his “assistant” in the back of the plane, which turned out to be a failed mission twice because of a beverage cart and once because she was either asleep or pretending to be dead to avoid him.

I haven’t even gotten to the good part yet.

He was a tall, lanky guy with, with fingers like breadsticks. Every few minutes he would grab some note paper and a pen, assume the “brilliant idea” pose, and then, I’m guessing, realizing he was more drunk than inspired, write a few words and…God help me…drum his fingers.

Now when I say “drum his fingers,” I do not mean softly or just a few times. I mean every few seconds for an hour he would go into a drum solo on his tray table that was apparently intended to jumpstart his brain and squeeze out that nugget of brilliance that was drowning in Heineken somewhere in his cerebellum. I glanced over at his notes a few times just to see if he was writing a solution to string theory or the first chapter of a great novel. But I think it was a cross between gibberish and whatever aspires to be gibberish. The finger drumming, like his snort-sniffing, was extra loud because he still had on the headphones. Those breadstick-fingers were banging louder than Paris Hilton locked in a steel drum with a hot robot. It bothered me so much that I lost my ability to make good analogies.

He tried once to make conversation with me. “Going home?” he asked. I avoided that trap like a hamster avoids a Richard Gere film festival. (See? I’m damaged.)  “Going to work,” I answered. Had he asked what kind of work, I was ready to explain my career as an actuary. No one can survive that for more than five minutes without slipping into a coma. It’s a drastic measure, but at that point it was either him or me. And my level of self-loathing didn’t even come close to my desire to kill him. So it would have been him. Luckily for him, he went back to his nonverbal methods of being annoying, and thus inadvertently saved his life.

Next time I need to cross the country, I’m walking.

Comments

[Sarah Page]

He can't be the worlds most annoying man.
I work with him, and he's never been to the U.S.
I work in an open plan office, and sit a row apart from my boss. He sits there ALL DAY sniffing (he has allergies or maybe just a bizarre nervous tick) or tapping pens or just singing/whistling to himself. He is incapable of being quiet.
Unlike you, this will not end with the end of a flight. Until I get a new job (unlikely) I am stuck with it. Or until he leaves or something more serious. Maybe he'll be promoted and get his own office (I would give him a great reference if I was his boss!)
Your blog made me smile for once in this day when I am at my wits end wanting to smack him in the face (but that would probably make him sniff more)

Thanks for cheering me up.

If only music of any kind, particularly mp3 players (Safety - after all we may damage our hearing) in our office policy was not banned I might be able to plug into some soothing classics to calm me down.
But no, I'm going to find some more industrial earplugs in the caretakers cupboard.

[Sebastian]

When Cara on the bus makes those strange noises, it's really annoying and obnoxious. She doesn't use a low voice. Sometimes I yell at her, and sometimes I put my headphones on.

[Texasmacguy]

Okay, counting the number of responses from this article, there were only TWO that suggested the use of ear plugs. Not only is this a tremendously good idea if you're trying to nap on a plane, but also should be handed out by every airline in the free world due to the enormous industrial-level white noise you're subjected to when on a commercial airplane. I'll bet that just like brand new cars that when you buy them you can barely hear then engine, later become the noisiest cars you ever remember owning —ten years down the line, the common everyday DC-10 or any model for that matter loses it's noise insulation over time due to usual wear and tear.

So, with that in mind and Mr. Annoying lurking out there on the planet, don't you think it's a good idea to go down to the drug store before you fly and include ear plugs on your list, you know, along with the sub-miniature toiletries one picks up before they travel?

All that aside, you can be like Opus these past couple of days and use a devastating taser on Mr. Inconsiderate next time he crosses your path.

- Doug
Austin, TX
Thu, Apr 5, 2007 8:24 PM

[Bulbboy]

The world's most annoying man didn't happen to also be a recliner, did he?

[Angela Tanner]

I had a 15 year old trying to impress the plane - he was on the phone to his dad. The kid asks, "so, you're coming to get me right? Are you bringing the Navigator or the beemer?"

And then there was the guy on the phone to his kid, getting upset with the kid, then yelling at his wife to tell his kid to punch some bully in the face. After they shut the boarding doors, and he turned off his phone, he went bak to reading his bible.

Sorry Scott, the only reason he was next to you was because I wasn't on the plane.

[WK1]

No way! That was that you? Buddy, how are you doing?

*boom* *chi* *chi* *boom* *da* *da* *da* *da* *da*.

If I had known that my favorite cartoonist was sitting next to me, I wouldn't have been so quiet. Do you think I look like Mr. Clean? I always thought Mr. Clean was bulkier.

[Ariel]

Scott, you have millions of dollars - why don't you have your own plane? Then you can pick exactly which cleanser spokesmen travel with you.

[Sam]

At least, through it all, you were able to amuse the online world. Because I certainly was very amused by this anecdote - thank you for brightening my day.

[Charles]

I don't think buying two seats will solve anything. Airlines overbook, and if you book a seat that nobody shows up for, that seat will be given to another person who needs a seat.

[Rosie]

Scott:

You were sitting nest to Donald Trump without his hairpiece.

[Steve]

Forget the actuary bit. For sheer boredom, give people your theory on free-will.

[Don]

Big Al:

"Sailboat fuel for brains"

I gotta use that sometime.

[Joan]

Time to cash in those frequent traveler miles and UPGRADE at least to business class: either that or buy two seats in a two seat row. If they ask, reserve the other seat in Dogbert's name. Now there's someone who really knows how to be annoying; just ask Dilbert.

[Tony Baloney]

But he has the "best kind" of defects, right?

[Craig Steffen]

I feel that the geek coefficient of this blog post isn't high enough.

Scott, I believe you meant Cerebrum, not Cerebellum. (disclaimer: I'm a physicist/computer scientist, so my knowledge stems from high school level biology). My recall is that the cerebellum is the part at the back of the brain that controls muscle coordination, like the ability to walk without concentrating on it. The cerebrum, the frontal part of the brain, is the one that contains thoughts and presumably is part of creativity (not getting into the free-will argument here, thanks).

Of course, if his brilliant thought WAS stuck in his cerebellum (where it had no business being) that could be his problem. That could be why he was drumming his fingers--to invoke muscle controls to pop the brilliant thought out into his cerebrum where it could be processed and written down.

[Diane]

Here's an idea:

Maybe he secretly recognized you, and knowing that, since he had no free will, his only pathetic-claim-to-fame would be to annoy you to the point where you, also having no free will, would have to blog about it.

Good job Scott. Now he can tell all the people he gets strung-out with that you blogged about him. And when they don't believe him, he'll tell them he knew he went too far when he tried to "make conversation" with you and saw the wild gleam in your eye.

[DanMac]

how many time did he get up to "use the bathroom?"

[sass]

he was so high.

an "assistant" in a back room. puh-lease.

[Miss Bert]

I was on a flight from South Carolina to Hartford and 20 minutes in, the people right in front of me changed their baby's extremely smelly poop-filled diaper IN THE CABIN. The cabin stunk of feces for the next two hours. Everyone was sitting with their shirt collars over their noses trying not to breathe.
I'll take an I-pod wearing jerk over smelling poop any day. And no, the smell did not fade, as it was continually recycled throughout the plane for the rest of the trip.

[Helm2Lee]

I was an actuary for the government for one year, but gave up that career path after my first job interview in the private sector. The head of the Auto Rating section showed me what I would be doing -- mainly calculating auto insurance rates for every possible kind of driver in the state, with genuine adding machines, which looked marginally more exciting than solitary confinement.

But what got me was when he discussed hypothetically how their formulas are sometimes weighted to discourage high-risk groups, such as young single male urban. It so happened that I was a 23-year-old single guy living in the city, buying my first car, and having a heck of a time finding car insurance!

Software engineering was far better. I only looked back once, twenty years later, when I stumbled on a site discussing actuarial careers. You have to take five or six grueling exams to be rated an "Associate", and another six or seven to be rated "Fellow" -- the process takes about a decade, but a Fellow with ten years of experience was averaging about 50% more than my current salary. That gave me a moment's pause, until I reflected that my enjoyment of the extra money would be diminished if I had cut my own throat from boredom nineteen years previously.

Beam

[Helm2Lee]

Why fly to Luxemborg? Can't you just carry it around in your back pocket?

[Ajay Pal Singh Atwal]

Maybe next time you can try space travel. Since you'd be wearing a space suite and can turn off the radio/ drop down the face cover to avoid any communication and voice cannot be heard in vacuum. You can easily cut Mr Clean's oxygen supply in case things get out of hand. There is a possibility of ejecting him along with the regular trash. Or you can even encourage him to go on an epic adventure of some kind to some distant galaxy. Or you can always claim that he in control of an Alien (a la Alien movie) and must be terminated.

Only your imagination and the sky is your limit.

[daydreamer]

Y'know, Scott, There are few things more entertaining to read during my lunch-break than a good flame-war. Especially if free-will and determinism are involved. Even more especially when the foaming participants end up crashing and burning on the pyres of their own vitriol (now THAT'S mixing metaphors). However, the comments on your blog run from newest to oldest post, meaning that, unless you do the blindingly obvious thing and read from bottom to top (far to taxing for a lunch break), you read the replies before you find the original post. No fun. Soooo. Be as unlike Dogbert as possible and invert the order, will you? No, no. Not you PERSONALLY. I mean the techies who to whom your smallest whim is an irrevocable command to be obeyed on pain of gradual and delayed death.
Oh, and BTW, in the oodles of free time that the stinking rich have (to all the humourless IRS readers out there, that was a joke, and by my spelling of 'humourless' you can see I'm not American, and therefore out of your jurisdiction, nhaaa), I recommend the author G. K. Chesterton on free-will. Of course you're too lazy to read it. I mention the title only so you can make spurious references to his writing that no one will ever check up on! Beauty!
This is turning into a ramble. Love your writing.

[rodrigot]

You should do standup comedy shows and release cds and dvds of it. Soon Dilbert would be a thing from the past for you.

[George L]

As a practicing pension actuary, I have to point out that it's not just all dreary stuff. Once, I had to calculate a death benefit for a man named "Jack Salesman".

Where is Arthur Miller when you need him?

[Bedders]

Hmm Scott... "Who is aggressor animal now?"

[Tom B]

I would expect that a disproportionally large number of actuaries are Dilbert fans.

Undoubtedly you are aware of Bayes' Theorem, so I won't bother explaining it, suffice it to say that, Scott Adams taking a dig at actuaries on the Dilbert Blog would alienate a much larger proportion of his readership than, say, Paris Hilton would, if she were to post a similar comment on her blog. That being said, the few actuaries that I have met would probably find such a comment more humourous than insulting, and it may actually endear you to them more so than alienating them. Given how outrageously intelligent you claim to be, I'm going to assume that you deliberately chose to take a dig at actuaries for this very reason.

[The Demotivational Speaker]

Hey Scott!

Thanks for the free conciousness raising of my demotivational speaking business.

Like your characters, the key is for people to be themselves, whatever that is, and not be constantly trying to be the overachieving high D personality like all of the driven speakers out there.

We are human beings, not human doings. Time management books are best used for home heating.

I'll let you know if I get any referred business from this.

In my topics there is ample Dilbert material.

[Oli]

Scott - If you ever needed an example of what other people said about you and some idiot then takes it that you said it yourself, this is it.

"Scott,

You keep telling us how rich and smart you are."

Personally from what ive seen you tend to avoid teh issue of money and frequently say how you are not smart enough to vote. Its the commenters who complain about you being smart and the commenters who always bring up the subject of money.

Hoorah for Retards.

http://ramblingsofanofficewoker.blogspot.com

[Stuart - Velkairiwyth]

Some flights can suck real bad.

Had one two hour flight back from spain once sat next to a kid (about 8YO) that had REALLY smelly feet and insisted on putting them on his seat - against my leg. I took to frequently stretching and crushing his feet against the armrest as a hint to get his feet away before they melted my trousers. His dad was big. And a celtic supporter (they both wore strip tops :p) so I figured it wouldnt be sensible to startup conversation :p

At least they didnt scream, although the plane did lose an engine on landing. (seems to happen a lot to me!)

[Tathagat]

May be you should be thankful to this guy for giving you the idea to write a funny post.

[girl only]

girlfm.blogspot.com

no boys allowed

[Landei]

Once a man asked me to change our seats, so he could sit with his family. Beeing a nice guy, I agreed.
Seconds after I took my new seat, the huuuugest woman that could go possibly in a plane came in my direction, came closer, closer... and took the seat next to me.
It was terrible. She needed a 1 meter prolongation for the seat belt. I was sitting there squeezed like a peace of camenbert. The only good think was that this flight was just a hop from Frankfurt to Luxembourg...

[meep]

Hey! I'm going to sic the actuaries (and wannabe actuaries like me) on you! http://www.actuarialoutpost.com/actuarial_discussion_forum/showpost.php?p=2004597&postcount=20

Of course, in the thread I posted, the following two "jokes" were posted:
"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"An actuary."
"A what?"
"A person who can answer a question you didn't know you had in a way you can't understand."
:cricket: :cricket:

-------
You might be an actuary if:

1: Your idea of having fun is studying for a test.

2: You can say, understand, and respond to "e to the power of negative integral from a to b of mu of t dt", but you cannot say, understand, or respond to "Hi, how are you"

3: Your favourite models are loss models
-------
So.... you may have a point.

[William Skyvington]

Brilliant humorous writing, full of tiny gems that made me literally burst into laughter. Scott Adams doesn't even need to know how to draw! He's a writer. I've often wondered how he does the fine tuning of the textual dimension of his Dilbert strips. It's always optimal. Not a word out of place. Not a syllable. Not even a punctuation sign. Is it a team effort? If people were asked to specify the striking aspects of Scott's work, they would talk, of course, of the graphic dimension, the social and psychological situations he depicts, etc. I've always been struck, primarily, by the words.

[rajesh rajoo]

And I’m walking too. I told my momma I would, even if it meant… meant whatever…

Ever had the person next to you check out his mobile ring tones in ‘stadium’ mode? It never stops at one tone. And the tyrant, usually just out of college or still in one, wouldn’t give a hoot if you are trying to stare him down.

I said him. Because it always the ‘he’ who does it and never the ‘she’. God forbid the day I meet this ‘she’ tyrant. I can picture a she rhino. Can you?

[Dodobrain]

"I was ready to explain my career as an actuary. No one can survive that for more than five minutes without slipping into a coma."

Burst out laughing when I read this :)

[Kevin Kunreuther]

Couldn't you have stood up and yelled, "SHOEBOBMBER! WE GOT A SHOEBOMBER ON BOARD!" and start braining him to the point that he became a total nonthinking entity, with the rest of passengers joining in getting their odd kick in and sitting on him? You could have scawled, "Glory be to Osama bin Laden" on a cocktail napkin and jammed it in his cold clammy fist. That's been my plan of action ever since 9-11 if I ever sit next to an annoying person, even on the crosstown bus.

[Ranjith]

Snob!

[That other guy]

Just imagine what he thought of you!

"Man, there was this guy on the flight, all passive-aggresive and everything. I just know he's going to write a blog entry about me. That's so freakin' annoying!"

[Paul]

iPOD, Noise canceling headphones, life is sweet

[synapticmisfires]

BUT IT'S OK RIGHT BECAUSE THE GUY HAS NO FREE WILL? I should punch myself really hard for saying that...

Anyway, good news American is bringing back metal knives. So next time someone sits next to cracked out, drunken, iPod wearing Mr. Clean heh heh heh... Wait did you say seat 3d? Hrmmm, what flight was this?

[Nelson]

lol that is too funny. Although I'm sure it wasn't as funny when it was happening. I've done a lot of traveling but lucky I haven't gotten stuck next to anyone that bad.

Good job on not killing him. You probably could have knocked him out and then put a pillow near his head to make it look like he was sleeping.

[JB]

It is quite possible that this person is wondering how he managed to sit besides the most annoying man in the world i.e YOU

[Dave1-20-2009]

Stop the WMAP by become more annoying. I start by talking about my kids "mad skills" for ten minutes, then bringing out the laptop, showing the pictures of our last vacation, then the one before, etc... Usually they surrender at the threat of pictures and withdraw silently.

I used to travel to Japan alot for business in the early 90's. Northworst was cheapest and then budget cuts booted us from business class. NW also acted as a VN refugee transport for the US out of Hong Kong. Every available seat was given to some poor shmuck who had spent the last 100 hours stuck in some shithole holding cell waiting for a plane to come to the US. Fourteen hours sitting between smells that could kill sucked until after hearing some of their stories, suddenly not so bad. Not funny but this thread made me think of it.

[TheFool]

Wow! EEYOOOREE-SNORT-SNIFF-EEEEYOOOREEE! That sounds so much like the flight I was on! EEYOOOREE-SNORT-SNIFF-EEEEYOOOREEE! Except the guy sitting next to me was wearing a pajama top, and kept getting in the way when I tried to get a beer. EEYOOOREE-SNORT-SNIFF-EEEEYOOOREEE!

Wow, Small world.

[Jake]

Now just imagine this clod (or a couple dozen just like him) was able to yak on his cell phone for the entire flight.

Uh oh, looks like it might happen:

http://www.fcc.gov/cgb/consumerfacts/cellonplanes.html

http://news.com.com/Feds+move+on+wireless+Web,+cell+phones+in+flight/2100-1039_3-5491802.html

[WCE]

I hate to be a "topper", but I once took a cross-country flight where a father foisted his 6-yr-old kid off into the seat next to me, while he sat in the back of the plane.

The kid had a load in his pants.

[Read it again?]

“[just because you are likely quite wealthy (due to your hard work, creativity and success), that you don't deserve to take issue with things such as irritating people (who cares if you sat next to an annoying man...shut up and count your money).” - Posted by Lauren

Lauren – Scott doesn’t DESERVE to be stuck with annoying people any more than anyone else. The comment you were referring to was meant as a humorous take on counting and breathing deeply to relax, as experts often tell you to do in stressful situations. It was offered as a way to take his mind off of his misery when physically trapped on a plane. Most of us have to put up with a few hours of Satan’s company without any compensation.

[D. Mented]

I was on a United plane. The kind with the built in 'pillows' on the seat backs that push my head forward if I dare to sit back against the seatback. Just before takeoff, a young lady who was boarding dropped her bag; a 1 ounce bottle of musk perfume rolled directly under my seat, and the cap came off (empty, of course, by the time she retrieved it, but it was not empty when it got under there)As we took off, a baby and a toddler- one ahead of me, one behind - began screaming. (Parents, before you fly with a pre-verbal child, please ask your pediatrician if it's okay to give your child a dose of infant sinus medicine. They can't clear their ears, so takeoff and landing is painful for them, and the sinus medicine can help) The baby stopped ten minutes after we reached cruising altitude, but the toddler did not. The guy in the seat behind me was nervous, and kept kicking my seat. I'd ask him to stop, but he would start up again...If you think a six-year-old kicking your chair is annoying, imagine an athletic six-footer. All of a sudden, I realised this couldn't be real; I was just a character in a really bad comedy movie...Didn't stop the fumes, the screaming, or the kicking, not did it make the seatbacks any less uncomfortable, but it did set me giggling helplessly at random intervals, which seemed to make my seatmate nervous.
On the way back, all I had was a quiet baby next to me who became fascinated with my hair and pulled it frequently. I just smiled at her (her mother had short, neat hair, and will probably wonder why her perfect little daughter willdecide to wear her hair long, uncut, and unstyled later in life...I'm a bad influence)
D. Mented

[Cassandra]

Lauren,
I love Mr. Adams's blog but don't usually read the comments because, although there are lovely and funny people who post, there are also enough WMAM-aspirants stinkin' up the joint to justify skipping all of them.

I don't think it's so much that people believe "wealthy cartoonists deserve pain and suffering" (although maybe some people do believe that), and I'd like to believe that most folks understand that even very well-paid cartoonists--even cartoonists phenomenally successful in other fields--usually can't afford private jets. (Maybe Cathy Guisewite.)

I just believe people get REALLY REALLY ANGRY that Scott Adams like to blog about the nonexistance of free will.

If it makes them feel better to talk shit, I wouldn't want to deny them that small comfort.

[josefa]

hahaah!

hilarious

[sunflower]

"Your Housekeeper"
Man, you had me laughing harder than I have in a long time!
And now I am reconsidering that flight I had planned to take with my infant from Phx to Maryland.
Yes, you definitely win!

[Troy]

Be thankful you werent on a commuter train for 90 minutes every. single. morning. We have a whole collection of those types on the train everyday.

It got to the point that I actually changed trains. The annoying army won!

[Boraxis Baugmonster]

You're lucky Scott. I always have to sit next to the air marshall for some reason. I've often wondered what they say to whoever was originally assigned the seat next to mine.

To you-know-who-y'all-are: There are lots of blogs out there. You might like some of them. I like this one.

Dissenting viewpoints are good though, like, for example the one about if God didn't want us to eat animals why'd He make them out of meat. Now that was constructive.

[Bob]

Top tip: when checking in, always book an aisle seat in a row where the window seat is already booked and the middle seat isn't; there's a good chance that if the flight isn't completely full, the middle seat will remain unoccupied, thus reducing the possibility that WMAM will end up sitting right beside you (but on the down side, also potentially robbing you of good blog post material).

[kurt]

The Russians build an aircraft called the Tupelev 154 (or 157, I can't remember). Anyway it looks just like a 727, and seats six across. Only it's just 2/3 the size of a 727, so it's a lot like stuffing 125 people down the barrel of a howitzer. The aisle seats get used the most, so they're all broken and recline fully whether you will or no. When you put the miniature tray table down, it doesn't lie flat because it's bumped into your chest (this is in the middle seat, the aisle is worse). You sit kinda sideways in your seat because your knees are about 6 inches too long.

We had the (actually incredibly great) fortune to bring two adopted orphans home on such a flight. So we had two squirming, crying toddlers, and only a few words of Russian to comfort them with. Now, the Russians, who basically do not adopt their own orphans because the economy sucks and because they are hung up about "unsuitable" family, have extremely high standards for how other people should care for children. We'd been warned that the Russians are very ambivalent toward americans coming to their country and taking their unwanted orphans, and we needed to keep 'em quiet.

So we're stressed, and very uncomfortable. We were saved by another phenomenon of Russian air travel. When you order whiskey or gin on a Russian aircraft you get the little 2 oz airplane bottles. But when you order vodka, you get a pint (probably 500ml I know). And apparently if you order vodka, you plan to drink all of it.

We survived, and so did the other passengers. We were sorry to be the annoying passengers. But pretty much everybody has been a squirming toddler at one time or another, and so if they can't put up with it, they shouldn't have been born.

[Lauren]

i find your writing extremely funny. i also find the comments to be largely absurd. i have to ask my self a few questions...such as why do people who have such obvious distain for you bother reading your posts? also, why do people assume that, just because you are likely quite wealthy (due to your hard work, creativity and success), that you don't deserve to take issue with things such as irritating people (who cares if you sat next to an annoying man...shut up and count your money). it just astounds me when i read such ridiculous criticizim from people who are so obviously jealous of you. i think you're great, and really enjoy my daily look into your brain.

[Karl]

It sounds like the World's Most Annoying Man is an amalgamation of every Best Defect in the world.

[Keith Wooly]

Good one... I know the feeling...
McFOD sums it up!

(must control the fist of death)

[Amused Aussie]

Scott,

You keep telling us how rich and smart you are. THere is a simple solution to this:

Buy your own plane and fly your own ass across the coutry or where ever you feel like going.

That way, no annoying passengers. And if there is one, you can either:

1) Accept them - you let them on the plane so it's your fault (or possibly the Big Bangs fault - I'm a little hazy on that one)

or

2) Politely ask them to get the hell out of your airplane. When they respond "We're 18,000 feet up in the air", politely respond - "Explain the point where that became MY problem?"

[Luca Masters]

'Next time this happens, pull your laptop out of your bag, carefully open the screen so my annoying can see it, stare at him with an evil 'Oh Yeah?' smirk and open to www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf'

You forgot the last step: hand him the laptop and call over a flight attendant so you can report this obvious terrorist.

[Doug]

What about the guy who asks you what you do for a living, and no matter what you say, he tells you how much more you could make with his mulit-level rhinocerous juice marketing scheme. I once told a guy I invented sugar, and that anytime someone bought anything with sugar in it, I got a peice of the action. I told him I was literally worth 9 trillion dollars.

He then ordered a Diet Coke, asked me what I would do when people stopped using sugar and wouldn't I like a residual income to fall back on that would allow me to live the kind of life I have always dreamed of. I told him I was not interested in selling rhinocerous juice, and his sales pitch only got stronger and more invasive.

Needless to say, by the time we were flying over Kansas, he and I had removed our clothing and squared off for a knife and chain fight. Oh, and I now sell some sort of rhinocerous juice. (He won the fight).

[Luca Masters]

Let's replace the security screening with 'annoyingness screening'. I want to be the one who gets to tell people 'I'm sorry, sir, but you're too annoying to be allowed on an airplane. The pilot would probably be forced to fly into a building just to get you to shut up.'

[Dr.Stupid]

You're right, annoying neighbors on an airplane should be reason enough to declare war.

I find that the harder I try to ignore them, the worse the situation gets. So on my last trip, I tried something different.

The scene was diabolically perfect for maximum annoyance.

I'd been awake for 30-some-odd hours, and was on an evening flight from Alaska to California. The flight was delayed. Twice. At last, we boarded the plane. Then we "deplaned" due to some mechanical issue. A short time later, we "replaned". They closed the cabin door. Then it was opened as someone in ticketing realized there was an empty seat on the flight that someone was willing to pay a small fortune for. The last passenger got on, the door closed, and quickly opened once more, afterwhich two ground-crew guys clambered in and started a forward-cabin huddle with both attendants and one of the pilots. Ground crew leaves, and is seen underneith one of the wings, a panel open, both pointing alot and scratching their heads. A jet fuel truck pulls up, and finally the pilot chimes in announcing that: they'd put too much fuel on the plane, we were too heavy, and that they'd need to pump some fuel off. Five minutes of pumping, the ground crew coils up the hoses, closes the panel, and disappears for a few moments, only to rush back into the cabin for another huddle. More head scratching. Ground crew leaves. Back under the same wing, panel open, pointing and scratching. This time the pilot says they'd removed too much fuel, and needed to put some back so that we didn't run out part-way. All 100+ passengers groan. Look, the fuel truck's back. Hoses. Pumping. Two ground crew techs pointing and scratching. Five more minutes, thumbs up under the wing, hoses coiled, truck departs, door closes, and the standard safety lecture begins.

Okay, so, I painted this picture to set the scene. My entire time in the plane, on the ground, while the depressing tale of aviation fuel was unfolding around us all, I sat next to an annoying woman. Very annoying. Extremely annoying. And I'd made this assessment in the first 10 seconds after sitting down. She was almost certainly on "something". Loud. Jittery. Fidgety. No annoying nasal sounds, but her violent and sudden bursts of motion, from arms to torso to head, were terribly annoying. Now pile on over an hour of delays on the ground, in the cabin. Every 10 seconds she would check her wristwatch and swear an oath to confront someone: a flight attendant, the pilot, the ground crew, the gate staff, and with every "tweeking" utterance, a promise of escalating violence: a slap, a punch, ripping off ears, a gunshot wound, manual decapitation! The threats would increase in intensity and volume. Six times a minute. For an hour. In my exhaustion, I simply smiled and sympathized with her, and reminded her that everyone in the plane was being inconvienced, not just her. Her tirade continued. About 45 mintues in, her anger rose to such a level that she was escorted off the plane for a few minutes to "compose" herself, some sort of adult "time out" I guess. It didn't work. She returned, and the relentless babble resumed right from where it left off.

As the last of the problems were solved, the cabin door closed, and the safety lecture began, she calmed (a little), looked over at me, and said something like, "I guess I've been pretty annoying, huh?". Without missing a beat, and with a perfectly straight face, I replied, "Why would you say that?" I held my expression, she paused, and a blank look came over her, as if my words had shorted out her brain, then, finally, she let out a light-hearted laugh and smiled. She was quiet and relatively calm for the remainder of the flight.

[bcammack]

Don't fly. Take the train or drive. Why pay good money to be treated like potentially criminal cattle? I refuse. I can get from my home to nearly any American city east of the Mississippi river in a 20 hour period.

Of course, you lose so much opportunity for good anecdote material, but I'll take the risk.

I remember when you didn't take a cross-country bus trip because you would be stuck with the dregs of society for the duration. Now they fly. The only upside is the duration is generally less than on a bus.

[Mr. Wampus]

Dear "Your Housekeeper,"

You win.

[Pat]

pretty good one!

I sat behind Jane Fonda once on a flight from NY to LA. She sat in the first row of coach and had purchased all 3 seats.

would that be cheaper than 3D and insure no seat buddies?

[Mr Clean]

I am sick and tired of all you abnormally small people complaining about us normal size people who sit next to you. Its obviously the airlines fault for not putting normal size seats in the plane.

[concatenator]

Too bad! I would have been in the next seat to you, but I got held up at security check. I'm still there, trying to pass through my favorite handbag of 87 compartments each of which has been thoughtfully packed with a forbidden carry-on item.
I am the world's Most Annoying Woman.

And you should count yourself lucky the Most Annoying Man was on the plane, coz you know that plane will not crash and kill him. That would render him a lot less annoying, which goes against the laws of the universe.

I love uuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
nited Airlines

[dayj]

So, being Rich-n-Famous is not an Inoculation against Nitwits?
It's all material... you got a good post from that ride.
(Beats being blown up in Baghdad, trying to buy an apple or raped in Rwanda, looking for firewood... thanx, Elayne Boosler.)

[Grunting Dan]

What I really wonder is if WMAM reads this blog. If so, does WMAM recognize himself? Perhaps he's thinking, "Yeah, I was on a plane yesterday sitting by the WMAMR (World's Most Annoying Moist Robot), I totally understand where Adams is coming from." Drum, drum, sniffle-snort. "Wait, that's hilarious, I should write a comic strip about it."

[Big Al]

"I’m reasonably sure that he looks like Mr. Clean on crack, and he was sitting next to me in seat 3D."

I laughed so hard at that line I almost spit out my donut.

[Arby]

Some people are really stupid, not dumb, but stupid. My wife and I were boarding a return flight to LA from London. While going through the security screening line there was a young lady about twenty-something in front of us. The security screener asked if she had anything that could be used as a weapon in her purse, carry-on or person. She said no. He checked her purse anyway and I swear pulled out a tazer! Not one of those small ones, but a large black monster like the police use. Next came out a can of Mace and a big honkin’ nail clipper with a knife blade built in. They hustled her out of there pronto and we did not see her on the plane. Guess it did not dawn on her that this completely full 747, 10 hour international flight to the US was a prime weapon of mass destruction and the authorities might frown on her boarding with an arsenal. Sailboat fuel for brains.

[Mr. Clean]

I HATE YOU

[Kathleen]

As a person who has taken many a flight next to outrageous strangers, I can offer you this advice; Sarcasm and "are we there yet's?" will make the flight far more enjoyable. Also, always travel with a permanent marker and a stick of lip gloss, once you master how to draw big lips on shirt collars the time just flies by.

[Joel Hinz]

And when you got off the flight, he probably voted.

[Heather]

I sat next to this guy's cousin on my way back from Europe - a 10 or 12 hour trip. This man thought my seat was his extra arm room. I got to read his newspaper with him, and practically share in his meal because he was thisclose to me at all times on the flight back. I've come to the conclusion that freaks fly. I always meet the most interesting people on planes. Usually, I'd rather not have met them at all!!

[Gleetnorx]

Yeah, I've come to dread boarding planes cuz of this sort of thing ... who's gonna be squeezeed into the 'seat' next to mine?
I've had fat huge ones, ones that pick their noses and wipe it on the upholstery, ones eating raw buffalo meat from tupperware containers, silent threatening middle eastern ones reading their quorans, loud hyperactive spoiled brats, ones wearing enough Aramis to choke Regis Philbin, boring talkers, ravers of both wings, foul eastern european women with huge hairy legs under their hose and BO that would kill a small pony.
Rarely might there be someone pleasant or good looking with something interesting to say, though that has happened to.

I am not a person of girth or hugeness; I'm clean and don't smell, and I try to get along without disturbing people until it's over.
they should have a special section of the plane for people like that.

[Your_Housekeeper]

Count yourself lucky, Boss. When my son was an infant, we were flying from California to Kentucky [4.5 hr flight]. He became very ill, both ends going at the same time. He wasn't just erping, he was projectile vomiting like an Olympic Event. I ran out of diapers, washclothes, 6 outfits, and bibs; I used all the toilet paper in the cramped airplane toilet; the stewardess gave me all the little handi-wipes she could find; the stench permeated the entire fuselage...if looks could kill, I would have been kicked out the airlock as the crowd mumbled in the 95-decibel range, "bringing a sick kid on a flight; can't she DO something about the smell?!!"...plus the sounds of him puking his guts out...then the guy across the aisle started throwing-up from seeing my baby barf...when we finally, Mercifully, landed, we reached fresh air with my front soaked in brown watery baby poop, vomit, and my son wearing an American Airlines Pillowcase for a diaper. Nothing else. I think drumming fingers and beer fumes probably approach Estée Lauder comparisons [Ah!!] when ya think on L'Eau De Baby Doo. This isn't funny but Sugar, count your Blessings.

[AllanL5]

I just know that somewhere out there, there's a guy saying to himself, "Oh, my GOD! I sat next to Mr. Dilbert for an entire plane flight, and BLEW it!"

Well, maybe he's not saying it NOW, because he's probably not the type to read "dilbertblog". But this stuff isn't going to stay here forever, you know. It's too good. This stuff will wind up in the next Scott Adams book, if there's any justice in the world.

So, three years from now, when that book comes out, THEN he'll read it and say "Oh, my GOD! ... etc."

[Gary Watson]

I fly a lot, often overseas, and I could not survive without my iPod nano with the lanyard headphones (the more expensive kind, that jam dangerously deep in your ear canal, not the cheaper kind that are just foam-covered earbuds). I load lengthy audio books, podcasts, and music, and simply tune out whomever is nearby. If you have a different mp3 player, Shure and other such companies make very comfortable ear-plug-style headphones and some will even custom mold a earplug to fit you. The combination of plugging the ear and playing audio or music effectively shuts out the morons nearby. I used to carry a pair of machine-shop earplugs (the kind with a string between them) but these still let some conversation and children's screams through.

If you want to sleep, get a boring audibook. You can download the entire 9/11 Congressional Report for free. Alternately, you could learn a new skill -- many colleges are putting their lectures up for free download as mp3, and some even have it set up for RSS.

I think the noise-cancelling headphones from Bose et.al. are pretty good in terms of reducing engine noise, and are great if you want to understand the dialogue on in-flight movies, but I find the earplug-headphones to be more effective and more comfortable. The advantage of the iPod lanyard is that twisting and turning in your uncomfortable airplane seat will not dislodge the headphone as easily as the more traditonal kind of wiring arrangement.

[Laura]

I'm 100% sure that's the same guy who sat next to my husband on our honeymoon flight from Sao Paulo to Salvador de Bahia in Brazil. I swear, it was him!
The flight attendant was so annoyed too that she poured the super orange colored mango juice.....yes, on his white pants! Brilliant.

[bill]

I got to go to Germany on a school trip many years ago. I was about 17 at the time and very excited, it was my first flight, etc. We flew into Switzerland first and I was seated next to a very nice Swiss businessman. After about an hour of answering questions, etc - he finally gave me his copy of "Dogs of War" and told me to read it...

Now that I look back, I realize that I was the most annoying person on the plane.

[Joshua]

I am finishing school to be an actuary, and can only find so much information online as to what an actuary does during the course of the average workday. I actually asked somebody who recently became an actuary, and he did in fact fall into a coma trying to explain it to me.

[Erik]

I am not sure if I am the first person to bring this up, because I am too lazy to read through all the comments, but does this post not completely juxtapose with the previous? It seems to me that the World's Most Annoying Man is entirely unaware of his defects, just as you are of your own confessed lack of fashion sense.
Does his failure to recognize his own annoyingness fall into the same category? Or have we reached a whole new stratum of personality flaws?

[MAL]

Oh... I had another bad seatmate on a red-eye flight back from Vegas - I was on the aisle... she was wearing a very bright yellow jacket, kept pounding on her computer all night, and when I had finally fallen asleep, I was awakened with her large, bright yellow clad ass in my face as she climbed over me to get to the bathroom.

Also, I was one of the offending parents with a screaming 2 year old, which would have been bad enough, but she also kept kicking the seat in front of her. The more I tried to get her to stop, the more she screamed and kicked. I finally spoke to the people in front of us and apologized profusely. I told them that I was going to stop trying to make my kid stop for a minute, since that seemed to be pissing her off more. Once I laid off of the kid, she calmed down. My greatest fear was that people might think I didn't care that my child was being a total pain.

[Melanie]

You're so funny!!! I love your blogs!!!

[(Not really) John Hodgman]

"A bladder the size of a mosquito's pancreas..." Interesting comparison. You could just as easily have said "a bladder the size of a mosquito's", but clearly this was not sufficient. Why?

Perhaps because of something you indirectly imply about mosquitoes: while these are tiny creatures whose size might indicate equally tiny internal organs, it turns out the mosquito's bladder is enormous. In fact, it is ten times larger than the mosquito himself. (Or herself, as the case may be.) The mosquito's bladder is actually kept in a cave, often hundreds of miles away from whereever the mosquito might be, and through a loophole in the laws of physics his liquid waste matter is transported to the cave, where it is stored in the bladder until the mosquito ultimately dies. (Remember, a bladder ten times YOUR size could store all your urine for three lifetimes! This has been scientifically demonstrated in a laboratory.)

Contrariwise, a mosquito's pancreas is indeed extraordinarily tiny. This is because the mosquito does not really need a pancreas, it is to him much like our appendix, because the pancreas aids in the digestion of strawberries, and mosquitoes don't eat strawberries.

Thus, we conclude that your comparison of your neighbor's bladder to a mosquito's pancreas (and not a mosquito's bladder) is quite apt, and shows great foresight. This is why you are the master of your craft.

[Kirk]

A friend of mine, a doctor, was traveling thru India on an in-country flight between two of the larger cities, and there were two groups of religious nutjobs who hated each other. They were seperated by turban color or whatever, one group on the left, the other on the right. Upon reaching cruising altitude, one nutjob said something offensive to someone on the other side, and the ofendee proceeded to jump up and throw a punch at the offendor. Everyone on one side of the plane got up and ran to the other side, throwing punches and screaming. The plane, suffering from the sudden weight shift, went into a sideways dive. I knew this guy from a martial arts class we took together, so I asked him jokingly if he was able to use his fighting skills. He said all he did was tuck his head between his legs and pray.

[thegrossboy]

wow. that whole post was pure gold. i need to go rethink my perspective on life the universe and everything now...

[Flabaya]

I would dream to sit next to a really hot guy that wants me really bad. Then I could say I'm part of the mile high club.

Are you, Scott part of the mile high club?

fubi

[steve]

At least you were in 3D right up front in the lap of luxury, it could have been a lot worst, like in the middle of a group of 5 across and drummers on both sides of you just like a parade, but in "coach class".

[Misanthropic Scott]

Hilarious post!! LOL the whole way through. You have my deepest sympathy for having endured this ordeal.

And, oh yeah, "I avoided that trap like a hamster avoids a Richard Gere film festival." has to go on your list of great quotes!

[Haytham Al-Dokanji]

Scott,
You seem to be too sensitive to noise. I am that way too. I would change the train car if I can hear music from someone's headphones or if 2 fools shouting their conversation.
It is a disadvantage and I have the impression that most people are not too sensitive to noise.
Haytham
http://haythamaa.blogspot.com/

[Tim]

Next time this happens, pull your laptop out of your bag, carefully open the screen so my annoying can see it, stare at him with an evil 'Oh Yeah?' smirk and open to www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf

Of course, after doing this I'm sure the punishment you'd receive would be worse than anything that hamster/gerbil has gone through.

[Tim Shepard]

What if he looked like Mr. Bubble on Crank?
http://www.choiceshirts.com/images/PL/-0/PL-00227A-md.jpg

[WrongError]

Worst flight... trans-oceanic sitting next to a slightly overweight and very hairy girl who reeked of dried sweat and... spunk. I guess she had a very hot last night before her departure and wanted to keep some souvenir but, gosh, every time she moved her legs I wanted to barf...

[Don]

When I ride the bus home there is a lady who will trap people in conversation every day. For this reason we have nicknamed her the "succubus." I actually glance to see where in line she is at the stop she gets on, and then time it so I am "rumaging through my bag" in the seat next to me as she passes by.

It was great one day when a girl about 20 was sitting next to her. They went at it trying to lock the conversation in their own favor for the first 15 minutes. After the younger girl took a cellphone call and managed lock both conversations at the same time we had a clear winner. It is sad that she isn't a regular.

[engsci]

Seat 3d? Isn't that first-class?

[Apintie]

Heineken isn't beer.
May I suggest a smaller country, much easier to cross? France and Germany can be covered in just over an hour, Belgium in a few minutes (an they have real beer there) and Luxemburg in half a day on foot. Andorra might be a little too small.

[Screech]

I met the 2002 World's Most Annoying Man once. He was in my apartment! Every time I went to shave, he just stared at me for the longest time. He didn't even blink (unless he was doing so at the same instant I was, which I think is highly unlikely)! That's not the weirdest part! He would show up when I was standing naked after a shower, and he'd be naked too. Talk about awkward!

It doesn't end there. He'd follow me around everywhere I'd go. I'd only see him in bathrooms, though, by the sink. The most odd thing about this guy, he never said a word, but his mouth would move with mine exactly....freaky!

[Steve Ross]

If you had actually met the worlds most annoying man you would have discovered he's a woman. Surely the worlds most annoying person is a woman.

[Nic]

Hil-effing-larious...

Funniest thing I've read in years!

Thanks for the laugh.

[eclecticdog]

At least he didn't smell of whiskey and cigarettes.

[Walter E. Wallis]

Real men don't fly anymore, but if you must, then you need a fictional occupation like cushmaker or a real profession like chick sexer. [you blow on the chick's butt and sort out the males. Pay is good.]
Did you know they make cross country diapers now?

[Ms. Pons]

Scott you made my day... here's for you to have a nice day and forget about that annoying Mr Clean on crack.

http://viral.lycos.co.uk/attachments/3939/Orgasmic_Simulator2.htm

[Charles]

Last time I was on a plane I set next to a crying baby. The mother tried to quiet the baby by singing, or at least trying to. She sounded like one of the bad contestants off American Idol. It was a twleve hour flight. But at least she did not leave her seat. She felt comfortable changing her babies diaper from the seat.

[Walt K.]

What's worse: the world's most annoying man,

or...

the world's most annoying kid. That's the one sitting directly behind you who keeps kicking your seatback.

I once spent 2 hours out of a 3 hour flight, standing in the back of the plane talking to the flight attendants, and anyone in line for the lavatory, because the parents of this brat-kid would not comply with my repeated requests to make him stop kicking my seat.

Sounds like you "world's most annoying man" was the parent of my "world's most annoying kid."

[iamnot]

Seat 3D?
You should see how bad it is back in coach!

[Herb]

You should have willed him away!

[Lou P.]

Another good reminder of why my Dramamine-and-Xanax combo, parlayed with stalking out a window seat (where I can sleep in peace), is usually the best way to handle flying, at least for me.

[LA Clay]

In defense of poor helpless screaming infants, it's Karma.

Never once have I been assualted by a screaming child while on a plane, that's because I was a good baby. Everyone that is bothered by SIS (screaming infant syndrome)was, in fact, a whining, crying loud mouthed baby. That is why each one of you is a whining, crying, loud mouth adult.

Payback is a bitch.

[RPK]

At least it was only for a few hours, I work with that guy's twin brother!

[Val, the world's leading (OK, only) silly string theorist]

I went back to school at a university, and the students there for the first time - 18 to 22 YEARS old, not 18 to 22 MONTHS old - sniff when they have a snotty nose in class. Hey kiddies: call your momma and ask her how to blow your nose.

[JOHN THE BAP]

have you considered he may have been a normal guy, but the chemical reaction of being next to you may have caused him to act this way?

[ranon]

Let me know how the walking thing turns out.

Ranon

[DJH]

Well I did not fly with him I worked with him. We were traveling yellow page ad salesmen and due to our cheap company we got to share a room. You think a few hours flight is bad try rooming in a small hotel room with a guy Monday night through Thursday night who thinks entertaining conversation is explaining how he balances his check book, packs his luggage, or how effincient he is at doing anything. Add this to the fact that each week he seemed to forget that he had the same rambling stories the week before and always expected to eat breakfast and dinner together. Funny thing is the company hired 2 more guys and I wrangled a new roomate who was pretty cool. Probably making me the irratating one. Well the real Mr annoying did not like his new roomate. He asked me to switch as he did not appreciate his new roomate, who was in his 60's short and fat, walking around the room naked all the time. He was real surprised I did not want to switch with him. Look at it this way Scott you sat next to this guy for a few hours. I lived with this guy 4 nights a week for over a year.

[Mark Thorson]

You idiot. You're rich enough
you could have solved this
problem in about 5 minutes.
Once the seatbelt light goes
off, get up and look for the
person with the nicest seat,
sitting next to the elderly
nun. Offer that person $500
cash to swap seats.

I daresay it would have been
worth every penny.

[Robert Hamilton]

Scott, you'd be surprised how easy it is to politely ask him to stop annoying you, before you end up violating your probation, again. With direct eye contact and a smile, he'll stop. I deal with the public and occasionaly have to be fairly direct with idiots like that. It's much easier than it seems. The variations on the threat, lead to some funny lines...Sir, I ran out of my tranquilers and my anti psychotic prescription is in my luggage, could you please calm down so they don't lock me up again? Try to stutter, blink and twitch and then blurt out a whispered cuss word, like a Touret's Syndrome case. You'll get some rest then.

[Hyland]

Worlds Most Annoying Man? Be thankful you weren't next to the guy in 12A on a flight from Newark to Fort Meyers back 10 years ago. He stunk so bad I spent the whole time leaning as far into the aisle as possible to breathe. He uninteruptedly stroked and fluffed his supersized Santa beard so that shortly after takeoff he had a pile of curly black and grey beard hair on his lap. But that wasn't as bad as the fact that his other hand would scratch every inch of his skin so much that there was dead skin flying everywhere. Then the food came and he got an extra roll. By the time he was finished, nearly an entire roll had crumbled into his beard. I could berely eat anything between the smell and the site of him. Of course the crumbs in his beard got him to really give the beard fluffing going. After a while he stopped, miraculously, and just when I stupidly let my guard down he popped up out of his seat with gymnast-like agility. Of course he leaned over me...JUST TO HAVE ALL THAT BEARD HAIR, CRUMBS, AND DEAD SKIN FLY OUT OF HIS LAP ONTO ME.

I nearly puked and was never so glad to be off a plane in my life.

[Diana W]

You win. I've had plenty of pretty bad experiences though. The flight back from Europe sitting next to 2 retired women who used the time to do their expenses from their vacation. "Mabel, do you remember if this receipt was for lunch or dinner?" "That was lunch Ruth. Don't you remember, I had the chicken sandwhich and you had the pasta, but we both wished we'd ordered the fish that Edna had because it looked so fresh..." This went on for about 7-1/2 hours.

Then there was the woman behind me who used the tray attached to the back of my seat to bounce her infant grandchild. It was like my seat was on it's own earthquake fault line. She finally stopped when I gave her the stare of death and mumbled something the baby shouldn't have heard.

[J-Wed]

Hey, man...thanks for the encouragement: I'm getting ready to take a long flight with my kids for Spring Break. I'll be watching out for Mr. Clean on crack, and try my best not to be an annoying co-flier with whoever I sit by. I have one question, though: why is it that I never, ever, ever get seated next to a stunningly gorgeous woman? Do they not fly? Please help!

[Heather]

Eight years ago, when I was sixteen, I was flying home to Minnesota from a summer spent working in Alaska. A large woman and her small, timid husband sat in the two seats next to me.

The woman enthusiastically told me she and her husband were going home from a cruise, and expounded upon the luxurious food and beautiful ice sculptures aboard the ship. (She didn't mention seeing any astoundingly gorgeous mountain ranges and glaciers, though.) She had made many friends during her cruise who were also on the flight, and they kept stopping by to visit her. I was in the aisle seat, so her pals kept leaning on my seat to talk to her. Being a shy young woman, I wasn't gutsy enough to tell them my seat had cost me a lot of money, and to back off. Throughout the flight, I was annoyed constantly by her buddies, and when they went back to their seats, the woman herself kept prattling on about this and that and wouldn't allow me to read or relax.

Later, an attractive, friendly young flight attendant came by our aisle to get us drinks. The woman chatted him up and learned he was from Brazil. When she heard this, she began explaining to him that she was an elementary school teacher and when her class had learned about South America, they'd done a food day and made tacos. I flushed with embarrassment, hoping to God he didn't think these people were my parents. He said hesitatingly, "Ah! But in my country, the food is quite different from that..." and was drowned out by her prattling on.

The plane landed in Minneapolis, thank God, and as people were gathering their luggage, she said loudly, "That flight attendant was pretty cute, don't you think? He liked you, I could tell - didn't you see how he was looking at you?" The husband, who I don't think had said a word up to that point, said, "Ah, he liked Heather, did he?!"

I don't know what I said in reply, but I sure as hell was glad to get off that plane.

[DT]

You forgot the annoying guy who, no matter what time of day it is, feels the need to recline in his seat. Being a 6' 2" guy that had never had joy of flying business class (seat 3D..you're killing me), I simply just don't get these people. I make it a rule of thumb to NEVER recline, even if the person behind me is only 3 feet tall, it still ruins their view of the screen in the back of my seat. Fun post about Mr. annoying, but why not fight fire with fire...get thyself an ipod Scott, and start snorting away. :)

[TrevOverT]

If you had spent some of your totally wasted time by decrypting the guy's messages he was trying to convey to you by tapping Morse Code on his tray you would have discovered that he was fleeing an international assassin who had been trailing him since Hong Kong and was sitting directly behaind him with a fifteen inch stainless steel knittig needle ready to plunge it through the back of his seat. Didn't you notice he never sat back in his seat? Why do you think he left his seat so often? The poor frightened soul had to go change his underwear often... and you didn't even notice his aroma! Gee Scott I thought you were an observant man, but apparently not enough to see an international incident playing out in front of you!

[CLB]

[…whatever aspires to be gibberish] Chuckle, chuckle.

Okay Scott, when in that situation just take a deep breath, close you eyes and start counting. Stop when you get to how much you get paid to make these trips.

See if that doesn’t make you feel better. ;)

[Steve]

A couple of years ago, I took a train from New York to Florida. My father was paying the bill, and since he didn't fly on airplanes, he wouldn't ask anyone else to do so.

Sounds fun, I thought. Been years since I've taken a train ride, I thought. It'll be cool, right?

I spent twenty-three hours sitting between two Jehovah's Witnesses (out of a group of many more). Correction - two southern Jehovah's Witnesses, who had the added factors of deep-south joviality and extroversion, spooned liberally on top of their religious beliefs, which as I'm sure you know, involve proselytization as a contact sport.

It gets better. Deep in the hours of the night, when I was the only sentient thing still awake on the train, the old woman on my left began to talk in her sleep, to someone who apparently refused to take out the trash while wearing any clothes. So she had an argument with him. Then - and I am NOT making this up - she began to sing hymns and wave her hands in the air, swaying back on forth in her seat WHILE STILL ASLEEP.

Why these people could not have sat together, like any other family, I will never know. Sometimes I think they left that last seat open for me as a trap.

[Corey Jason Feldman]

I would trade that in a second for the flight I had last year from Paris to DC (Coach and never again on an oversees flight). Enormously large smelly women who poured into my wife’s seat (my wife had the unfortunate luck of being in the middle.) Not only was this lady’s smell pervasive, but it was mingled with fairly regular flatulence. She spent the entire flight coughing and sneezing with a continual attempt at conversation.

[Jeff Lewis]

You just need to become "private jet wealthy". Chop, chop!

[Real Live Girl]

Mr. Clean sounds like he was defective and loving it. Maybe next time treat him to some drinks (stronger than beer) until he passes out. That would be money well spent.

[bubba]

"The best kind of personal defects are the ones that other people notice but you can’t"

I think your karma ran over your dogma.

Or something witty like that.

[Pharod]

Well, at least there's an incredibly good chance that you won't sit next to the most annoying man in the planet again. It's like winning the first prize in the lottery two times and with worse chances :)

[Mark]

It may not be PC, but you can feign deafness. Or perhaps pretend to only speak that language spoken by the chick wearing bandages in "The Fifth Element".

You could possibly even try the trick that Jack Bauer uses when he doesn't want a conversation to continue. (it involves the back of his elbow).

[DAnthrope]

Scott- Did Mr. Clean have any piercings or facial armor? Don't ask me why but the description (all but the tall part) sounds like the lead singer from the band Disturbed. It would be funny if it was, since he's a rather famous rock star and you're just a, um, actuary :-)

Check out his pic at www.disturbed1.com
Please do let us know!

From your comments it sounds like he could have been putting together his next hit song, as he's had several already. It would be funny as all he11 if you were knocking one of rocks current superstars while he created a hit song right next to you! LOL :-)

Peace

[billf]

You really should have found out the man's name.

If Bush is any indicator; someone that ignorant of his own faults should be put into public office.

[jerry wolfe]

I've had that sort of experience before on a UAL flight, I ended up walking from Los Angeles to San Francisco by pacing up and down the aisle on a flight because the computer seated me between two walking waterbeds that overflowed the armrests into my seat. If I was to remain seated, I'd have to have sit with my arms extended straight out in front of me, except the next row in front is less than an inch from my kneecaps, so my wrists would have to be bent at a 90 degree angle. This really sucks when you're on a full flight, and there's no chance for a change of seats. You get strange looks from the stewardii, and even worse vibes from the nervous post 9-11 passengers after you pass them several times, the only option is to sit in the vertical coffin that's called a "rest room" but offers no chance to rest. The only way it could have been worse would be to have a seat kicking kid behind me and a farting geezer in front.

http://boskolives.wordpress.com/

[Josh O]

I'm not sure if having Dennis Miller guest-write your blog was such a good idea.

[Amanda]

This reminds me- when I hire an assistant to travel with my son, I need to be sure the assistant is seated WITH him.

Seriously, if this guy was disabled, there really should be some effort to have his para NEXT to him on the plane, not several rows- or even a whole plane- away.

[Poste]

Uh, That's a scene like Jack Nicholson and Adam Sandler in "Anger Management", http://imdb.com/title/tt0305224/

You should've killed him when you had a chance, now he's alive to annoy someone else, and I know it's going to be me next time I fly.