It’s common knowledge that all major government decisions in the United States are made via a process that Thomas Jefferson described in the constitution as “lobbyists bribing weasels.” Voters attempt to solve this problem by electing the weasels who do the best job lying about their intentions to change the system. So far, this hasn’t worked.
That’s why we need to outsource the important decisions to India. I’m sure a consulting firm in India could help the United States come up with a coherent energy policy, a plan for universal health care, a cure for global warming, and an anti-terrorism plan.
I know you have many questions about this excellent idea. Allow me to anticipate them and answer them.
Q. What the hell do Indians know about America?
A. More than you. The Indians who graduated from the Indian Institute of Technology are among the smartest people on the planet. And whatever they don’t already know, they can learn while you’re watching American Idol. Yeah, it hurts. But it’s true.
Q. What’s to stop U.S. lobbyists from corrupting the Indians?
A. We’d need to fund the Indian consulting company directly from U.S. taxes (it would be relatively cheap), and audit each employee’s personal finances regularly to make sure no one working in a cubicle in India owns a yacht.
Q. Wouldn’t the Indians make decisions that benefit India more than the U.S.?
A. Only if they wanted to get fired. That sort of thing would be somewhat obvious. The United States wouldn’t be obligated to implement the recommendations from the Indian consulting company. Everything would be debated in America before any decisions were made. This is an improvement over the current situation where, for example, there is no terrorist-thwarting energy policy up for debate.
Q. Wouldn’t the lobbyist-fellated politicians in America ignore the recommendations from the Indian consulting company?
A. Some would. Others would embrace the recommendations as a way to get elected. Voters would have the choice of electing people who support the Indian recommendations or not. That’s better than our current system of voting for people who make fuzzy statements about general directions and offer no plans.
Q. Is it okay if I offer an objection to this plan that demonstrates my poor reading comprehension?
A. I’d be disappointed if you didn’t.
[Update: If you noted the dysfunctional government in India, you missed the point by a mile. People can't fix their own government because they have too much self-interest. You need an objective and less-easily-bribed foreigner to do the consulting no matter who you are.]