Pavlov’s Cartoonist

Being an optimist has its drawbacks. For example, if I’m watching a TV show where someone knocks on a fictional door, I get up and answer my actual door, fully expecting some good news. This happens to me more often than I should admit. I even check my door when the other people in the room assure me that the knocking sound is coming from the TV. I’m not persuaded by other people’s opinions in these matters, even when the fictional characters on TV get up and answer their doors. I can’t rule out coincidence. So when I hear a knock, I check my door, just in case it’s some sort of prize committee with a freakishly large check. So far, no prize committees, but I think some of them might have left while I was arguing with people over whether there was a knock.

I also get fooled by car horn noises on the car radio. Any time that I think people are honking about my driving, it gives me an immediate vegetarian-sized dose of road rage. It’s not enough rage to make me start shooting at other motorists, but I seriously consider flashing a dirty look at the car behind me. Then I realize that most people can beat me up while simultaneously applying eye liner and compiling a shopping list. So instead, I pretend to be a disabled guy in a borrowed car. Observers can only see me from the neck up, so it takes some acting. But I think I pull it off.

Lately I’ve been experiencing a bad case of Phantom BlackBerrry Vibration Syndrome, or PBVS. With this condition I am positive that my BlackBerry is vibrating in my pocket, only to discover that it is my imagination. About ten times per day I feel the vibration and think “Ooh, it’s an e-mail with good news!” So far, the only good news is that my pocket is vibrating, and that’s okay because it gives me hope that the condition might spread to the rest of my pants.

This discussion makes me wonder if you could treat unhappiness with a bell. If Pavlov can teach dogs to salivate when he rings a bell, he can teach you to feel happy when he rings a bell. Or at least Pavlov could do that if he weren’t unmotivated by being dead. The point is that you could imagine training a person with a bell so that he expects something good to happen after hearing it. Eventually you could stop rewarding the guy after the bell and he’ll still feel happy by automatic response.

At least in the short run. Over time, he’ll realize what an asshole you are for training him with a bell, and he’ll kill you. But I think we can all agree that you have it coming.

Comments

[nastyfetishpass]

Buyers of guns must take gun-safety courses

[sleep sins]

A higher energy price is a sacrifice we have to make for cleaner fuels

[best bonus casino gambling online review]

My mind is like a fog. Oh well. My life's been really dull today. Eh. Today was a total loss. I've more or less been doing nothing , but I guess it doesn't bother me.

[candy bar picture]

I've just been letting everything happen without me these days. I've pretty much been doing nothing , but oh well. More or less nothing notable going on to speak of. I just don't have anything to say these days, but maybe tomorrow.

[beer pong rack]

Today was a loss. I just don't have anything to say. Not that it matters.

[buy koflet]

I've just been hanging out doing nothing. I've basically been doing nothing worth mentioning. Shrug. Pretty much not much exciting happening today. Today was a complete loss.

[ryanknapper]

Every time a bell rings and the subject doesn't become happy, beat them. Avoidance conditioning lasts much, much longer and has a higher chance of the researcher not dying.
Not-death is very rewarding.

[Will]

Perhaps this will get posted this time around ;-)

Analogies work to help explain a complex point because they couch the important particulars of the original scenario in more common terms. This helps most people unfamiliar with a subject to understand the original argument.

Your assertion about analogies being imperfect is, I think, imperfect. To hold true the analogy must preserve the basic logical argument inherent in the original scenario. I believe the author of the article you linked in was saying that your analogy didn't do this.

You seem to disagree, but you attack a straw man to do so. Instead of tackling the authors criticism you discuss how analogies are by nature imperfect. Huh?

[Bill McCai]

i have all your hardback dilbert books (not the comic collections, but the book-books).

and i downloaded god's debris, and read it all. i didn't like it as much as your other stuff, even though i love the thought experiment stuff towards the end of the dilbert future.

anyway, i'm not argueing against you or anything. but i probably would have bought god's debris (and/or the sequel) if i had actually seen it in a bookshop here (australia) before you gave it to me.

but like. i download music. a lot. i never used to (i have 250+ CDs), but it's .. a) easy... b ) saves me money for other things... c) virtually impossible to get caught... d) faster/more convenient.. e) even when i buy CDs, i only rip them to mp3 and listen on my computer/ipod, so the actual CD is a middle man.

the legal side of it doesn't even cross my mind tbh. i'm pretty sure it's just human nature to do whatever's easy, risk free, and rewarding. i don't even try to justify it.

[nony]

I used to owe people a lot of money. Debt collectors phoning my house were a frequent problem. Even now, I STILL have a panic attack whenever I hear the sound of a ringing phone. All telephones in my house and office are set to silent. The sound has a horrible efect on me. So, the point is I think humans can learn to associate an emotion with a particular sound.

[Simon]

uh oh... looks like Mr. Adams is recycling old jokes. The anecdote about the phantom blackberry suspiciously reminds me of a cartoon from the 90's involving Dilbert, a shrink and an invisible pager syndrome, complete with the confessions of an onanist (published in 'It's obvious you won't survive by your wits alone', I believe).
Just a comment, not a critic. Adams remains a genius.

[Ankit]

Nice One, loved the end...

[Allen]

Lottery tickets work that way. People go out and buy an overpirced piece of paper which tells them that they have a 1:19,856,473 chance of becoming a millionaire, which gives those optimists happiness for a small moment. I'm not suprised it's such a huge business.

[John]

Interestingly a study found* that school children receive an automatic adrenaline boost on hearing the end of lesson bell, and as happiness is caused by endorphins being released into the bloodstream...

*(Though to be strictly accurate my evidence is a vague memory of a teacher whose name I've forgotten at some point in the past telling me this,)

[Helm2Lee]

SO glad to hear I'm not the only one experiencing phantom vibration of the hip!

Helm

[Don G]

On The Simpsons after escaping the brainwashing of a cult, they talk about how good it is to think for themselves again. The TV exclaims "You are watching Fox!" and they immediately respond in monotone voices with zombie eyes, "We are watching Fox . . ."

I don’t know if it brings them pleasure, but it’s pretty close to an evil Pavlov ringing a bell.

[Joel]

GOD...i have the Phantom Phone Vibration Syndrome...
at least i know i'm not alone...

[Alyen]

We have pavlov's bells for humans. They are called slot machines. No matter how often the person playing loses he or she continues to put money in for the happy joy of hearing the bell ringing. Sometimes that ringing bell is accompanied by a payoff- but that happens only just enough to keep the person playing.

[you'd what?!]

This is for tomorrow's post, I couldn't post on it myself.

"There aren’t many ideas that have the potential to change the world. But the idea that we have no free will has to be on the short list. Once you accept free will as an illusion, it necessarily makes you wonder how certain you are about the rest of your reality. When you lose your own irrational sense of certainty, you are less likely to discriminate, to judge, and to believe a lunatic leader who tells you he’s certain."

I think people believing this would lead to A) lack of personal moral responsibility (I had to do it, the chemicals which comprise my body made me) and B) MUCH more susceptible to some sort of totalitarian regime if it weren't true. You erode people's sense of certainty, etc., they're a lot more gullible.

Also, re: Einstein, its not about smartness its about wisdom. There's a difference.

[Bart]

Do you believe that there is any mid to large company out there that hasn't perfected this technic already? Joe employee puts in 60 hours by Tuesday morning and Bob manager walks over and says "great work Joe" (i.e. the bell) that kind of makes Joe feel happy and apreciated. Of course Joe doesn't get shit in is pay check because he is a salary employee and in the meantime Bob manager just got a huge bonus check at the end of the quarter because he 'managed' (pun intended) to boost his team's efficiency and utilization margins.
Happiness for an empty reward! Not complicated, practiced daily.
Bart

[Listo Entertainment]

They use this trick in advertisings, all the time.

The show boring products surrounded by girls, music and landscapes that would make us happy.

Then, in the supermarket, sometimes we see the boring product and it acts as Pavlovian bell and we are fake-happied enough to buy it.

Bastards.

[Romby]

Funny post today Scott :)

You're very optimistic, that' very good. But why on earth don't you think that people hunk their horns because they recognise who you are and want to wave a simple hello?... What? Not realistic? What has that got to do with it? You're an optimist from head to toe in all other matters :D

[gus]

I can acknowledge that downloading is illegal.
But is still burns me that to enjoy say Grease again and again I had to buy the video cassette, the laser disc, and then the DVD. To enjoy Nazareth's greatest hits I had to buy the LP, the 8-track, the cassette and the CD and now want to carry it on an MP3 while partaking of physical activity. They only produced these once, and I have to pay every time they reinvent the wheel?

[Chris Zúniga]

I thought I was the only PBVS sufferer. The thing is, I don't look forward to receiving email on my BB. 99% of the time, I am not the direct recipient. The blasted thing is turning me into some kind of Cujo Pavlovium.

[tubaguy]

I've given each of my children (girl, girl, boy, girl, boy, girl) a "feeling of well being" trigger starting when they were tiny babies. Whenever they acted that way, I stroked their temple and repeated their name.

They have to be ready for the feeling of well being. But then the trigger works.

The oldest is 16 going on 17, and it's still there. After she got in her first car wreck it was a handy tool.

Does this violate their free will? I don't think so.

Is it manipulative? Probably, but it's for a good purpose. Humans have comforting rituals all over the place. This one was just methodically applied.

Should I give the trigger to their spouses and not tell them I did?

heh heh heh

[Dramenbnejs]

To get rid of phantom vibrations I recommend to set your blackberry to loud ringing (when vibrating) and changing the ringing tune once a week (or more often) to get rid of phantom ringing.

[Carl]

I work in Saudi Arabia, but lucky enough to walk to work. The honking of horns is a national past time over here. There are no yield signs or stop signs on most of the side streets so drivers just zoom through the intersection do not bother to yeild right of way; they just honk their horn as they pass through and hope to god some one isn't passing through at the same time. During rush hour is the worst even on busy main roads with traffic lights cars in traffic jams you hear a cacophony of horns. JEEZZZ you think they would realize that they are in a traffic jam, but noooo they all lay on their horns as if that will help make the car go faster ahead of them. It drives me nuts! I feel like some dayI should bring a loaded shot gun on my way to work and blast all the cars to bits! LOL There are too many f'n cars on the road!

[HALiverpool]

Ah, the joy of being a pessimist - half the time I don't even notice my cell phone ringing or vibrating because I don't expect any one to call me.

-HAL

[Sherry]

Interestingly enough, there is some evidence that the human Pavlovian response to "bells" is actually applied regularly in casinos. Studies have shown that a big part of compulsive gambling is the release of sarotonin in the brain that happens when people hear the bells and whistles of the slot machines. Low sarotonin is a common cause for depression in senior citizens, and many of them report that their aches an pains seem to dissapear when they step into a casino. If that's not a "happy" response to "bells", I don't know what is.

[Nithya]

you definitely are insanely optimistic! who else will call schizophrenia as optimism?

[Andrew]

Last time I heard, they can even be developed at certain different stages, but only when enough people are willing to see them.

[Tiffanie]

dude... you and my dog have the same problem... he gets very excited when the TV door bell rings, also!

[Tim]

Its good to see supporters for us that suffer from PBVS. There seem to be 2 outcomes to the situation
Step 1) Vibration (shot of happiness)
Step 2) Check phone
Step 3a) Just PBVS, get annoyed that you did all that work (reaching into your pocket) for nothing
Step 3b) Actually a text/phone call, relief and more happy
Random shots of happiness, and being happier when its actually a phone call, vs annoyance and feeling like an idiot. Worth it? Maybe

[KnightRider]

Didn't have time to read the other comments, and this is a late post, so I don't know if this has already been mentioned.
Scott, your condition is not Optimism, it's called Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
;-)

[Stackelberg]

Hey, isnt that the whole idea behind Coco-Colas advertising?

[Happy]

Don't Worry, Be Happy - mon

[mickle spiffy]

In college, a friend was in our dorm room. Having recently discussed Pavlov, I rang a bell on my desk and my roomie shot the friend in the head with a dart gun. On the third time, the friend began to duck. For days later, when a phone would ring or the elevator emergency bell rang, he ducked and we were happy. It does work.

[man friday]

i think uv hit upon something brilliant. iv gone to the extent of deliberately leaving my phone on vibrate mode so tht i can get 15 imaginary phone calls and sms's in a day. maybe its a conspiracy by the pant manufacturing companies

[luigibio]

I think this is a great post and you're right: there are things that make us happy. For example '80 disco music is my bell: it makes me happy! On the contrary I hate phone ringing!

@CLB
have you ever seen the film 'a clockwork orange'?

[Magwai]

Scott, I get the phantom phone vibration thing all the time. Weirdly I get it even when I know that the phone is not in my pocket. Nice to know I have company :)

[Michael]

Posts like todays are why i read this every day.

[Kristina]

Well, we humans are basically just better dogs ;) meaning that pavlov of course works very well for us. If you take for example a "runner's high" (which is a very interesting state of mind) and want to work on getting it without having to run your ass off for hours, then you, whenever you get it while running, for example push a certain spot (has to be always the same) on your hand or so... and then, after a while, you can do it without having to run and it will come anyways. Pretty much every feeling that you can somehow have can be specifically triggered that way. just takes some work.

[G]

I get a mobile-phone version of your phantom blackberry-vibration thing. It wasn't until one time I felt it when I had the phone in my hand that I realised something weird was going on with the muscle in my leg.

I wonder if it's to do with carrying my phone around in my pocket all the time....well I'll need to live with it as there's no way I'm going to be going round with it clipped to my belt - that's just one step away from wearing a bluetooth earpiece anywhere that isn't the car or in front of a keyboard.

[Joy]

I have experienced such things... Some of my best memories of a vacation with my family are associated with a particular music album. That movie had just been released and every shop, restaurant, and even the travel bus was playing those songs. Whenever I hear those songs, I feel somewhat happy.
I have noticed similar things about sadness too. Not only do sounds trigger the feelings, but smells also do. Some smells make me feel happy and some make me feel sad. Sometimes I can find an association, but often I can't even do that. I just feel happy or sad.

[Kevin Kunreuther]

I do not know about pavloving happiness responses, but I'd do anything to wean myself of Coca-Cola. It's wrecking my teeth and my waistline. If I stop cold turkey or lessen the dosage considerably over time, I get the most painful headaches. Switching to a caffeine laced diet alternative doesn't work as my stupid body chemistry gives me migraines whenever I ingest saccharine, asperatamine or sucralose. If you know a good hypnotist or behaviour response practitioner in Dallas area, I'd be more than glad to give her or him my services.

[Marxist]

Lol, funny stuff

[Krishnan]

Part of my job is handling technology issues from customers on phone. When I was new at work, and had some tough calls to handle, I used to be petrified everytime the phone rings. Even now on certain days when I there is some issue, the response to phone ringing is terror. So yes, I guess it is possible to make a person happy when the door bell rings.

[Himanshu Jain]

oh man... that blackberry thing... it happens to me oh! so many times in a day..

[Phoenix]

It's a classic! 30 seconds of googling:
http://mysite.verizon.net/vzepn7va/img/page_content/humor/pager.gif

[George Gooney]

I think Don Imus should be fired just because he's so fucking ugly. That's my Pavlov moment.

[Billy B]

You have now gone over the edge.

And you are still getting all you want.

Sex.
Billy B

[Roni]

I'm certain that underground trains in the city cause vibrations at the same frequency as my mobile's vibration unit, which gets it vibrating by itself.

Because I'm excited at the prospect of a new message it must mean I get more good news than bad news. Or that I'm terribly terribly lonely.

[Nicki Lagrange]

Pavlovian happiness response ...reminds me of the story Russian scientist who conditioned a female subject to orgasm each time her nipple was tweaked. (I’ll let you considered how this conditioning was embedded in your own good time.) The story continues that the scientist was so excited by the success of his research (in purely cool and intellectual way, you understand) that he wanted to hit the speaking circuit with his subject as Exhibit A. However, his subject, for reasons only she can fully know, declined his kind offer to help him share his new found knowledge with the world. Unfortunately I can’t remember hearing what the scientist’s reaction was to this setback, so there is no witty punch line.

[you'd what?!]

Hey,
So I carry my electric toothbrush with me everywhere I go. You never know when you need to freshen up.
Occassionally it goes off and I freak out thinking people will think its a vibrator. So I get it out from the bottom of my bag, as quickly as possible, and hold it up, so people realise that it is not in fact a vibrator.
LOL.
Anyway,
I like this post. You're funny :)

[Bytesage]

That wasn't Sun dried tomatoes in your salad, methinks it was Peyote?

[Melanie]

I thought you'd at least mention your fellow cartoonist, Johnny Hart. God rest his soul.

[rd]

ding-ding-dong
http://greetings.banjig.net/send.php?card_type=f&card_id=535
btw due to LORC i did not get who's gonna kill who
just in case knock x 3 on wood

[Patton]

Scott, I firmly believe that using sounds from cotidianity should be illegal. Like using a generic ringtone for a cellphone in a soup opera, or a alarm clock in a radio ad. It has to be dangerous, I think. Or unethical, at least.

[Susan]

Just read your newsletter. Love your comic strip. Love your newsletter. Love your blog. You are one funny guy. Keep it coming.

[Jo]

People already use the bell thing with babies.

While they're still in the womb, the mother will ring a bell when she's feeling happy and relaxed and calm. Then once the baby is born, it still associates this sound with calmness and you can use it to make it stop crying or go to sleep.

[bdd]

I have the same blackberry thing. I used to have the same problems with good old fashioned pagers, and though I could be wrong I insist on believing that the signals are strong enough to make my nerves tingle.

Even if that's not it, I really like that explanation. Every now and again the tower reaches out to my portable, just to say, "I love you," and when it does, I tingle. That's how much love is in the air.

[Jules]

Women have been trying this pavlovian training for centuries !! But not always with lots of success:

Phase 1: first train your boyfriend: he sees you, you have sex together, he is happy. He associates seeing her=happy

Phase 2: (marriage, get one kid) Stop having sex: the husband is now supposed to be happy just by looking at his wife.
Well, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesnt !

Men need positive reinforcement all day long.

[Big Al]

kinda off topic, but did you hear that Johny Hart, creator of the BC comic just died 2 days ago...

[Diana W]

When it's time for me to go out in the back yard and clean up after my dogs, I loudly say "Want to go pick up the poop?" and the dogs go into the kind of frenzy you'd expect if I'd offered them a romp through a cat farm followed by a visit to the Alpo factory. Actually it's kind of touching how much they like to spend time with me outside, even if I'm just walking around with a pooper-scooper.

[Paul O]

Just as technology contributes to problems, it can aid in solutions. I think there's an "off" button on the Blackberry which can prevent the confusion. A CD player can prevent unwanted noises in the car. And you can get a security camera, focused outside your front door, "tuned" to some unused channel on your television (so you can check for visitors without getting all that unnecessary exercise).

And be responsible for maintaining a positive worldview, hopeful that you'll never need to call upon your own personal army, and whistle while you work.

[D. Mented]

At morning break one winter Monday the guy sitting next to me at the break table was slightly hung over and hadn't slept that weekend. He sat looking dazed, then suddenly leaped helfway off the bench and fell over...His pager had buzzed, startling the crap out of him.
As for self-training with the bell, I know some animals are given positive reinforcement training with a clicker...Every time the animal obeys a command or does something cool it gets a treat, a few words of praise, or some affection, and the trainer sounds a clicker. Soon all that's necessary to make the animal feel well rewarded is to sound the clicker.
This is also used to reassure nervous animals; a horse trainer started clicking his clicker near a nervous mare when she was in her stall eating, out in the pasture enjoying a roll, or other relaxed activities. After a while, she was just as calm in the show-jumping ring as her own favorite spots as long as she heard that clicker.
Try this on youself (a clicker or some of those buzzy magnet things will draw less "he's crazy" attention than a little bell)Sound your noisemaker first whenever you're having fun, then start including times when you distinctly aren't having fun. Let us know if it's working (I bet it will)...And if you're sounding those buzzy magnets to enjoy the company of the "world's most annoying man", you get the bonus of being able to annoy him back!
D. Mented

[MommaSquid]

Scott, you and my cat have something in common! When Kitty hears a doorbell on TV she looks to our front door as if awaiting a visitor. No matter how many times I tell her the bell isn't for her, she doesn't seem to believe me.

[Jay]

I'm lazy and refuse to read 100+ comments, but I must say that this clearly applies to songs -- there are many songs that I associate with a happy memory, and I feel "happy" when hearing the song, though whatever caused my happiness at the time is not happening again.

[Jason Allen]

Scott stated "I also get fooled by car horn noises on the car radio. Any time that I think people are honking about my driving, it gives me an immediate vegetarian-sized dose of road rage. It’s not enough rage to make me start shooting at other motorists, but I seriously consider flashing a dirty look at the car behind me."

That's being a pessimist, and a wussy one at that.

[EdgeMaster025]

That bell-happiness training could actually work. Train them, then leave the bell or whatever alone until they feel genuinely sad about something, then subtly ring the bell and they'll be happy again.
It's worth a shot.

[T.G.]

To get that training mean you actually had good experiencies and none real bad from the stimulus.
You shouldn't consider it as a drawback, just proof of a good life. Gratz :).

[Worker Ant]

The hospital I work for in the UK pays me once a month. That's enough to keep me coming back each day and receive the beatings.

[Asparagus Pee Chris]

Amazingly, I once followed a car for about 600 miles with a license plate reading "IMHPPY" and found myself feeling remarkably happy - guy inside probably thought it said, "I'm a hippy."

[DanteZCO-Man]

I have sort of trained myself, in that way. Well, likely not "trained", but I experience some pretty similar reactions whenever I get sms on my cell phone. I feel happy with anticipation that it could be good news (people rarely contact me via sms, and it usually is good news -- or at least an invitation --, so expecting a good sms is realism and optimism), and it makes me smile.

Of course, sometimes it's just advertisement from my cell company, and that makes me quite mad for about 20 seconds.

But more efficient, in a way, is how I trained myself to feel calm after I clap my hands in a weird way (the left one is always almost closed, but not quite). It works, 8 times out of 10. It makes me feel weird.

[Sope]

Well one time i was watching a weird french movie, Delicatessen i think.Anyway one of the characters was always trying to commit suicide, unsuccessfully. The attempts were always very, very complicated, the one that relates to my story is: the woman was in the bathtub and hooked up her doorbell to activate a hairdryer or something to fall into her water and eletrocute her to death.

So I'm watching the movie, the tension is building as someone comes to her door, knocks first, then again and finallly rings the bell.......ring.........MY doorbell rang at exactly the same time. NO kidding. I jumped up about 5 feet in the air and ran in a circle for a good minute.

My friend knew i was slow at answering the door and waited. Showed her the part of the movie that she rang on the doorbell on. It was again an unsuccessfuly suicide attempt.

[SJA]

Yes that OCS can really vibrate and buzz and ring and move things around and knock and stuff...... it's really hard not to, you know, do something.... what was that noise? did you hear that????.....

[ant723]

When you’re driving down the road and you hear a knock at a door in a commercial do you find yourself wanting to go home to see if someone is there with a prize? When you get home and they are not there do you assume you missed them? You could have a serious problem... or not.

I find I can make myself feel happy by thinking to myself that I am happy. Call it conditioning if you want, but bliss on tap can be wonderful for us moist robots.

[~*.*~]

Why do I have it coming? This is your fantasy.

BTW, you are Pavlov. You get us to come to your blog with good posts. After a while you yank the good ones, and we keep coming.

Who has what coming? I think some cartoonist should kill you in a strip. Maybe we can get the Calvin and Hobbes dude to come out of retirement and have teen-aged (he was six years old forever)Calvin go postal on you? Hobbes could eat your Blackberry, and Suzy could flirt with Dilbert. He's her type.

[chuck]

I had a similar issue with my iPod and RAZR in the same pocket. I kept thinking my RAZR was vibrating... as it turns out it was the rubber iPod case rubbing against the phone causing a slight vibrate-ish feeling.

since I couldn't keep both in my crotch, I got a new iPod case.

[Gabor Wolf]

Re: getting up every time when someone knocks on TV:

Why don't you install a video camera that monitors your front door? Then you won't ever need to stand up, just switch to channel "Front door" on your TV.

[Charlie]

And just how does this differ from your idea for a restaurant that would offer hypnosis to enhance the experience?

I've seen an experiment where a teacher hypnotized (with prior parental approval) an entire class and implanted the idea that when the bell would ring to change classes they would smile. No feelings change, just smile. Reports back from the kids was at least a 1/3 success rate with a near zero mortality rate.

[Walt K.]

Ever notice all those dog owners walking their dogs, while carrying a "poop bag"?

Who is conditioning whom?

[MikeR]

I carry my cell phone in my back pocket on "vibrate" most of the time. Sometimes I hear a phone vibrate and inadvertently grab somebody else's ass. Not good.

[Elliott]

You do have to do the positive thing after ringing the bell sometimes or the behavior you want will eventually extinguish itself.

[Reedy Creek]

Scott, i suffer from an affliction similar to your Phantom BlackBerrry Vibration Syndrome, or PBVS. The sister syndrome referred to as Phantom Cellphone Vibration Syndrome. At least 10 times a day, I swear my right front pocket is vibrating only to discover that it is not. I've assumed that either I have been intensely imagining these vibrations for years or I have been having frequent, localized, involuntary, rapid muscle contractions. Either way, I'm glad to know that I am not alone in this fight.

[Reedy Creek]

Scott, i suffer from an afliction similar to your Phantom BlackBerrry Vibration Syndrome, or PBVS. The sister syndrome referred to as Phantom Cellphone Vibration Syndrome. At least 10 times a day, I swear my right front pocket is vibrating only to discover that it is not. I've assumed that either I have been intensely imagining these vibrations for years or I have been having frequent, localized, involuntary, rapid muscle contractions. Either way, I'm glad to know that I am not alone in this fight.

[Rich]

Sounds like you have a mild case of OCD. Good luck with that.

[nick]

I'm so glad you brought this up: I experience PBVS almost as frequently as you. I use a Blackberry Pearl.

I don't think this can be explained away as a simple coincidence. I believe we might just have a conspiracy. Any takers on who might be behind this?

[David]

Ha! Tapan figured it out. I didn't.

[Jesse]

The ringing phones on TV always sound different than my phone. That doesn't stop me from checking.

[Ric]

Just wanted to let you know I've experienced phantom phone vibration too. Sometimes it's the speaker in my car located next to my leg that makes me think my phone is ringing. Sometimes I guess my pants are just feeling happy and decide to vibrate for me.

As a side note, my work phone (I carry a work and personal phone...one in the left pocket and one in the right) has recently learned how to throw its vibration when I wear shorts so it feels like it is my personal phone. Then I get happy thinking it is a friend, but it ends up being work.

[LA Clay]

Woman Knocked Out by Vibrating Pants
http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2005220835,00.html

[Jake]

I've got PGCPVS (Phantom Generic Cell Phone Vibration Syndrome) because I keep my phone on vibrate all the time. It's been really bothering me for several weeks now, and the last few days have gotten quite a bit worse because now I'm feeling vibrations in my leg muscle even when my cell phone is not in my pocket.

[cheetch5]

ahaaaaaa!!!! you are the scientist practising on your faithful,wailtagging readers!!! you post a blog,we all answer with pure and utter bile!!!!!

[cheetch5]

1-There is a radio advert on alot just now,where you text in to get a quote for something. Possibly to feel like a mug but I'm not sure. As they explain this,a message alert goes off in the advert. Not just the first time but each consequent time I check my phone in case it is mine going off. Even though I know that it is the one in the advert. Just in case it IS some girl asking me out...

2-Pavlova's dog. Each time I pass the fridge I have to eat something.

[Incredipete]

My dad is a writer with 15 commercially published books. He also consults and licenses materials that companies use in a variety of ways.

The absolute MOST difficult part of running his business is keeping control over his intellectual property rights. A business will buy his material, and then somebody makes a copy "just for a friend at another business to look at" and the next thing you know, it's spread far and wide, and my dad's company has not been paid for any of it.

Without intellectual property rights and controls over them, society looses the will to innovate and create new ideas and thoughts. Look at China, the biggest bunch of uncreative information stealing bastards on the planet. You don't see a lot of new ideas coming from China. Well, duh. They don't respect people's intangible property.

Maybe if I didn't see the daily fight I would be one of those "oh, it's not hurting anyone" type of guys... but I DO see the financial impact it has, and it disgusts me.

Shame on all of you who steal and don't think it's wrong. My dad, for one, is NOT rich.

[Gen]

The latest issue of Wired has an article about "sensing" new perceptions with your existing senses. Basically, the device (electronic sensors that stimulate your tongue based on infrared wavelengths of light, for example) allows you to use existing senses to "feel/see" information beyond the current innate human capacity. One of the devices, worn around the waist, virbates constantly in the direction of "north" (responds to Earth's magnetic field). After a couple weeks of wearing it, a person who has been wearing the feelSpace belt has an unerring sense of direction. Your brain is just trying to contextualize the sensory input you're giving it and make it useful.

[KD7KXW]

You have what is know as Ringxiety:

Ringxiety is a portmanteau neologism formed from the words "ringer" and "anxiety." It was first coined by David Laramie, a doctoral student at the California School of Professional Psychology, whose dissertation concerned the effects of cell phones on behavior. Ringxiety is described as the sensation and the false belief that one can hear his or her mobile phone ringing or feel it vibrating, when in fact the telephone is not doing so. Other terms for this concept include phantom ring effect and fauxcellarm. It can also be generalized to describe the sensation of hearing one's phone or doorbell ring while doing such things as taking a shower, watching television, or using a noisy device. The reasoning for this relates partially to the idea that humans are particularly sensitive to auditory tones between 1,000 and 6,000 hertz, and basic mobile phone ringers often fall within this range. This frequency range can generally be more difficult to locate spatially, thus allowing for potential confusion when heard from a distance. False vibrations are less well understood, however, and could have psychological or neurological sources.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ringxiety

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/05/04/fashion/thursdaystyles/04phan.html?ei=5090&en=98d2a4d5b5a61cd4&ex=1304395200&partner=rssuserland&emc=rss&pagewanted=all

http://jscms.jrn.columbia.edu/cns/2005-05-03/orso-phantomvibes/

http://www.idiotworld.com/story/442/Phantom_Cellphone_Rings

[Erich Neubert]

I ring my own bell by taking effexor every night before bedtime.

[jane]

You sound like me except I never did this until I recently entered the dating world again at 30-something. I do the same thing except I'm hoping 'he' calls me back, flowers at the door, or just even the mailman for crying out loud.

At this point, I'm just thankful I can get dates but I dorecommend dating at my age like I do having a root canal without anesthesia.

Long time reader first time responding.

[John B]

My dog will immediately start barking like a lunatic if I mutter, "Now who can that be?" This is a very popular party trick. My neighbors hate me very much.

[Rick]

You are an optimist!!???

Your humor is basically about the stupidity of management and is at best sarcasm (hardly optimistic), you expect 'stupid' responses to your posts, you complain about everything and basically have little respect for anyone as far as I can tell.

Just because you expect a few good things does not make you an optimist. A pessimist will expect 'good things' and will always find a way to show it didn't happen. Sound familiar?

An optimist does not 'expect' good things - they experience them because it is the way they see the world. A pessimist will have a happiness formula to explain their unhappiness, an optimist doesn't need a formula - they just find good things everywhere.

This should also answer what your biggest rationalization is.

I bet you where expecting an idiotic post like this one!

[Alejandro]

I function the exact opposite way.

When I get a message I assume it must be bad news.

Not someone dying, no. But someone from work desperately in need to bother me. My boss, calling me to tell me about some problem created by someone else of which I'm suddenly responsible. Or mere bad news in any form.

The thing is: it's never usually so bad or even bad at all. I know most problems can be solved in like five minutes and I don't worry about problems that can't be solved at all.

So that's my trick to be happy: expect the worst and be glad when it doesn't happen.

Oh, I know, this is so educational.

[Juryu]

Staples' "Easy Button". You try to condition yourself to feel motivated when you hear it say "that was easy!" I have to admit that I bought one.

[olie]

I used to have PTVS -- where I'd imagine that the Treo in my shirt-pocket was vibrating. It was funny because of the mixture of "annoying that I had to check it and it wasn't really doing anything" and "...but it did feel kind-a nice." I mean, we joke about such things and call people who express them aloud weirdos but, if you've not had a surprize vibration-tingle in your shirt-pocket lately, I don't think it's fair to criticize it.

Pavlovian happiness bell, eh? I'm pretty sure that affirmations (or similar) + confirmation bias = PHB (no, no -- the OTHER PHB!) Not that it doesn't work, just that it's not as mysterious as some might suppose.

"I'll buzz you if you buzz me..." ;)

[Paul]

I used to compete in judo at a pretty high level. As every athelete knows, you have off-days and on-days. We had a psychologist who taught us that whenever we were having on-days we should pick a point of reference and focus on it, remembering how our bodies felt. I used an exit sign, because you can find one in almost any building on the planet. Then when competition time came, I'd focus on the exit sign and immediately start to feel like I was having an on-day.

Good ol' Pavlov. I bet it works for tennis too.

[pbrooks100]

First post!

Sorry, every time I read a posting with something I like, I have the immediate urge to reply and see my name at the top of the list.

Oh. I'm not the first post.... Oh well, I still feel good :)

[Di]

Phantom Blackberry vibration syndrome will pass after a time and reoccurance runs in conjuntion with loneliness or depression. I have narrowed its cause down to the fact that some sort of callous or nerve damage occurs at the site where the BB usually resides. Eventually you will overcome it with super human hearing or, like me, break down and put a tone on e-mail notification. Good luck!

[LA Clay]

Scott,

I was at your art site and decided to purchase your presentation for each of my locations, 17 in all.

knock, knock, did you salivate even just for a moment?

[EvilOakWoman]

So does this mean that you've already trained yourself to imagine a vibrating blackberry whenever you need a pick-me-up? That's ten times better than prozac. Now if only they could apply that to things like little blue pills and work, we'd never need another drug company (until they cure cancer anyways).

[EvilOakWoman]

So does this mean that you've already trained yourself to imagine a vibrating blackberry whenever you need a pick-me-up? That's ten times better than prozac.

[Perambulator]

I'm confused - how does being an optimist make you unable to distinguish where a particular sound is coming from? I confess that I too get up to answer the phone when a phone rings on TV and I do consider myself to be an optimist, but I've always chalked it up to my not really paying attention to the TV/radio/cell phone (I don't have a Blackberry but my cell phone is set to vibrate - ring tones are annoying)

[K]

So far, no prize committees, but I think some of them might have left while I was arguing with people over whether there was a knock.

I think that's actually *pessimism* (I missed a windfall because I was prevented from answering the door), masqueraded as optimism (I bet there was a windfall at my door).

[Johannes]

That illusion of a vibrating cell phone is actually now considered a medical ailment (called 'Vibrate Anxiety Disorder') and there is medication for it.

What a wonderful world it is in which we live.

[skraps]

Just make sure he's only partially conditioned, and it will last forever.

[MissMelony]

[it gives me an immediate vegetarian-sized dose of road rage]

are you implying that meat eaters have larger amounts of road rage... and if so i would have to disagree. I think that rabbit food makes some people might angry and meat eaters are generally heavier and realize anger might upset thier blood pressure.. more

[Craig]

Haha, I definitely have vibrating phone syndrome. My leg even twitches sometimes, and I'm sure it's the phone vibrating.

I even switched pockets for a little while to see if that helped. But my OCD kicked in, and I realized "my phone MUST go in my left pocket".

[The writer formerly known as CC]

Jun your plan won't work..
You'll have to start upping the dopamine doses after a while. You need something that will trigger endogenous dopamine production otherwise you'll just end up with higher signaling threshold at the receptors and decreased endogenous dopamine production, a la cocaine...

[Diana W]

Years ago I read about a brilliant psych experiment/prank. A Psych student went out to the football field every day during summer break wearing a black and white striped shirt. He'd blow a whistle and then scatter bird feed. By the end of the summer, hundreds of birds came to expect this free food. Guess what happened during the first football game of the season when the ref came on the field and blew the whistle...

[Ron Hardin]

Experiments were much better in the old days. Consider this one, reported by Kenneth Burke :
``Watson, repeating similar experiments [to Pavlov], noted the ``transference'' aspect of such conditioning. Having found that the violent striking of an iron bar produced fear in an infant, he noted that he could give a ``fear'' character to some hitherto neutral object, such as a rabbit, by placing it before the child each time the iron bar was struck; he next demonstrated that this conditioned fear of the rabbit was transferred with varying degrees of intensity to other things having similar properties (such as fur coats or cotton blankets).'' Permanence and Change, p.11

[freak9072]

How about sirens that appear in rap songs? This always happens when I am driving, I randomly turn the radio to a rap song, and fully expect to see a cop behind me. I slow down, look around for good measure, then realize it's the song and switch stations.

[Mindless Mommy Menace]

Not an issue for me. My dog has enough door and phone anxiety for the both of us. Anytime anything happens which she believes requires my immediate attention, she runs back and forth between me and the activity until I see what it is she's attempting to tell me about. She will take me to my phone if it's ringing, take me to the door if someone is knocking, and take me to my child if he has begun to break the rules...

I'm glad she doesn't have access to a bell.

[pwkwsfi]

Some of this is not your fault, it's the marketers'. They know that sounds like knocking doors, ringing phones, and police sirens will grab your attention. The sounds are deliberately used in radio and TV ads (also in hip-hop music for some reason) so that you will listen and believe it's important.

[cancer]

I am in the process of training my dog. I do not employ Pavlov's theories.

[Jonathan]

I am completely with you on the vibrating pants issue. I have a cell phone that is frequently carried in my pants pocket and frequently set to Vibrate, and even when I'm not wearing the phone I frequently get phantom vibrations on my thigh.

[basselope]

In answer to your question about programming one to feel happy at the sound of a bell, the answer is Yes... it's called "Recess" (among other terms).

And looking over some of your recent posts, I can't help but wonder if you're not coupling a bit of self-diagnosis with a subtle cry for help. Cognitive Dissonance? Instant Happiness? "Truth is unavailable. Hallucinations fill the void."? No Free Will?
It sounds as though you may be feeling a bit inadequate and disconnected from the world. Feeling your humanity slipping away from you. Tearing yourself down from the inside while reaching out for a kind word or friendly hand to connect with.

Or you could just be a Sadistic little prick who like to screw with people.

-----------------------------------------------
Why do we ask; "How Stupid are you?"
If you really were stupid, would you know it?

[David Kimball]

That type of conditioned reaction already exists - it's called the bountiful boobs syndrome. Take the average guy that's feeling down. Then let his eyes notice an attractive woman with bountiful boobs walking by him. All of a sudden, his depression goes away and he feels happy and hopeful. He may (and should) realize that he has no hope, but that doesn't matter. His feeling of hope in the light of no hope still makes him feel good and happy. And this will probably last as long as she's in his presence.

I know I don't need Pavlov to teach me to salivate - let me see a pretty woman with bountiful boobs and I'll salivate already.

[MB]

I had a friend in college we trained...

Whenever someone would say the word "homework" whoever was closest to her would punch her in the arm. She was tough, so could take it, but she had a bruise on her arm for about a week. For the rest of the semester, whenever a professor would say "homework" she would violently flinch. Caused a few funny looks from professors.

[moltar]

In NLP it's called anchoring and I believe it's possible.

[lump]

Your not alone Scott. My friend's dog starts barking and checks the front door when the TV has a show on where the doorbell rings. The problem is that it takes her a few minutes to convince herself that it was a prankster ringing the bell and running. This problem could be reduced, I think, if doorbells had programable ring tones since many doorbells sound the same. Take that a step farther and it could ring one way if it were a salesman at the door, vs. say the FedEx guy. :) Same with honking. Speed racer had all kinds of buttons on his steering wheel so why not a different honk for different intentions?

I must be wierd because the other day I was contemplating that car horns have a low spectrum of intent, unless the other driver speaks morse code, it requires quite a bit of context to know what the horn honk means. A guy shooting the rod at you in your rear view mirror is a pretty good indicator of irritation, whereas seeing a friend waving hysterically behind you means another.

[StoopidGurl]

What if the dog rings the bell?

[Serge Grinholz]

Pharmaceutical companies and drug cartels have obsoleted your happiness bell, which mere mortals would otherwise refer to as accomplishments.

[Rex]

A graffito, an oldie but a goodie:

When Pavlov heard the phone ring, did he think it was time to feed the dogs?

[matt]

I'm glad to see I'm not the only one with vibrating phone syndrome...I thought I was a freak, lost and alone in the world. Thank you Scott for shedding some needed light on this painful affliction.

[mac]

Did you see the episode of the TV show "The Office" where Jim trains Dwight to want a breath mint every time he hears the Windows chime? Brilliant!

Saw a similar effect when I worked at HP and the donut cart would come by and the woman would ring a bell. Every head in the cube farm popped up, ala prairie dogs. Classic Pavlovian training. (Of course, that was 10 years ago when they actually had a donut cart.)

[bb]

As a meat eater I resent your implication that eating meat is the cause of road rage!

That was what your main point in this blog was ... right?

No... well then, never mind.

[Alfred Thompson]

I'm glad I am not the only one with the Phantom [communication device] Vibration Syndrome. What worries me is that sometimes it happens when the phone is not even with me.

[Rymosrac]

Once you've trained people to be happy when they hear the bell ring, I wonder what their reaction would be if you forced them to watch the bell be melted down to scrap metal. Probably nothing, but the application of an unrealistic imagination to the problem creates amusing results.

[pftpft]

Our two dogs bark and sprint to the front door when there's TV knock or doorbell which in turn makes me laugh. Maybe TV writers know a small percentage of homes have dogs that do that so they put more knocks and doorbells in their shows to increase viewer happiness.

[MajorDomoe]

Copyright violation.

Go!

[mhaithaca]

Certain songs on the radio make me think there's a siren nearby, so I have to look around. (No, of course it's not because I'm driving a little too fast! Who, me?)

Luckily, you're not alone. Cats and dogs are notorious for hearing sounds from a TV and thinking there's a real cat or dog nearby. I'm sure you can arrange for further analysis of this phenomenon through vivisection of cats and dogs, rather than through surgical experimentation on cartoonists.

[Joshua Jacobsen]

I actually suffer from most of those afflictions, myself, the TV doorbell, the sirens and car-honks while I'm driving, phantom blackberry vibrations... It's worsened by the fact that I sometimes "hear things." I'm afraid that it's a mild form of schizophrenia. I sometimes hear my mom calling me, which I immediately dismiss, because she lives 4 states away. I also sometimes hear the doorbell ring or knocks on the door, which are entirely imaginary. Actually, it hasn't happened lately, since I stopped the frequent all-nighters with Provigil.

[niCk(mem beth)]

It's like that everytime I read this blog, I expect to be enlightened.

It's still happening, even when the the posts aren't very enlightening anymore, I still like I've increased my wisdom by reading this everyday.

[Baylink - http://baylink.pitas.com]

This is a backhanded comment on our responses to the last two posts, right?

[freebert]

Scott, I think that buzzing in your leg could be the dreaded RLS (Restless Leg Syndrome) - you should check out their website and seek immediate help.
http://www.rls.org/

[Sim]

Pavlov's Bell is taught in CS classes when designing GUIs.

If you have a computer make a sound when somehting happens, the user will expect the sound to accompany it forever. So if you play a "Blattt" when an error pops up, the user will recognise it, even when its not in the active window. Additionally, if you don't play the sound once, the user will just click OK and not think it's that serious an error.

If you play a chime whenever a game player gets a coin, the user will realize how valuble the coins are and spend more time collecting them, psyco-socially, just so he can hear the chime again. (There's been papers written on this effect)

[Mike]

I have my wife trained to accept my gaseous emissions as a happy time.
It started back when I needed to fart. After producing what I thought was a prize winning noise I shouted YAY!
Now whenever I gas loudly she says the same thing! I have taken to improving her life by eating as much broccoli as I can. It is heartwarming to hear her cheers of happiness every night when I come home from work and relax in my recliner in just my underwear tearing one off after another. Life is good.

[Marina-cat]

Sometimes reading your blog reminds me that I am definately more common then I thought I was.
Captured in the mistaken idea that I was unique I read your post today...
Check the doors when they knock on the TV: check
Rage when I hear car horns: check
PVBS: double check ('cos it happens with mobiles too)
Would be dumb enough to reach happiness with ring of bell: check
No uniqueness... check, check.....

[None of the above]

Actually this is not that far from achievable, I believe. I heard that ex-smokers, ex-drinkers and ex-drugees can smell their drug of choice and feel a mini-hit of the effect when put in certain circumstances. The brain is trying to tease you into repeating whatever behavior it was that made you feel so good in the past.

I forget what this is called.

[billf]

First - I'm completely with you on the "car horn" issue. I have the same problem with phones (especially while driving). If there's one ringing near-by or on the radio, I think it's mine. If the radio honks or has a siren I've often found myself with my stomach in my throat, thinking that I may need to pull over or swerve to avoid immediate death.

Second - treating unhappiness with a bell... I'm surprised you would even suggest such a thing. Wouldn't this negate the whole "Happiness Wiki" project we monkeys have labored on?

Now we're going to have to change the main page to read;

Happiness = Ringing my Bell.

[Robby]

I haven't got a blackberry, but I have got Phantom Cell Phone Vibration Syndrome. Only occurs once every two or three days, though. Very weird, especially considering that I am not an optimist and mostly tend to get calls from people who want me to do more work than I am already doing. I wish they'd shut up already.

[htiek]

what is wrong with unhappiness. i am a little perturbed with the aspect of a society that is either medicated, or self-deluded in the direction of happiness.

it would be an insipid world indeed, if there weren't any bitterness to contrast the sweetness.

however, i work in healthcare, so, please medicate the masses-it is easier to 'deal' with zombies that don't care what nastiness is waiting for them.

[Jay]

Maybe they could train me to drool with happiness every time the Chimp in Chief says something else stupid or criminal! I could be one really happy moron!!!

[Jer]

Nice to see that psychotic literalists read this blog too...cripes!

[James]

Jun, far easier method. Give them a joint and ring the bell. Oh, that would only make them want weed.

Then couldn't Jun's method make them want an IV or cream rubbing into them?

[webar]

It is surprisingly easy to create a conditioned response.

When I was in college, a couple girls in the dorm conducted an experiment to cause their pupils to dilate everytime they heard the word "close". Basically they sat in their lighted dorm room and hit the wall switch whenever one of them said "close". It only took a couple dozen repetitions. After a short while, they had successfully programmed their pupils to respond to a spoken command.

Everything was going great until the next day when they were chatting with friends and the subject turned to "clothes" and they went blind.

:-)

[Rob]

phew, I'm so glad I'm not the only person who suffers from imaginary Blackberry vibrations. Sometimes I am so sure it buzzed that I don't even believe the flashing lights, I have to physically get it out of the holster and check the screen.

[Rich]

PBVS is completely true. I have the same syndrome with my cell phone vibrating for text messages. I always assume its someone texting me with good news or salutations to cheer me up.

But then I realize my phone is still in my coat pocket in the other room and my leg decided to vibrate for no good reason other than to cheer me up and then let me down.

Once, it happened and then my phone rang. Creepy.

[Andrew]

Once I was watching a very bizarre Spanish film at the now-defunct UC Theatre in Berkeley, California. I had forgotten to turn off my cell phone. At the exact moment that my phone rang, a cell phone in the movie rang with the exact same ring tone. What are the odds? Granted, this was in the days before custom ring tones, but still not every cell phone sounded the same.

[Bob]

That is exactly how happiness works. Only it's not other people who program you, it's yourself.

I get up to check the door when the doorbell rings on TV too, and I am stressed into distraction by honking noises from the radio. I do this because I'm unilaterally deaf and cannot tell which direction the sounds are actually coming from.

I'll allow you to profit from my condition, though, because I don't expect to get paid inperpetuity for everything I do.

[jerry w]

Whan I'm driving, sometimes I get a phantom cel phone ring drool thinking that it's a work call (I work freelance), only to find that it's a song on the radio that has a tonal range similar to my phone. I tried using the vibrate function, but then I'll hit a patch of bad road and there I am, messing up my shirt. I even tried sitting on the phone when it's in vibrate only mode, hoping that my ex wife would call me so I could get some excitement out of her one more time, but then it's some police benevolent group asking for money (almost like my ex) and before I can answer it, my underpants are in need of a change. Do you mind if I stop by your place when you're not at home and borrow a pair of yours? I'm sure I could leave you a deposit (so to speak) if you need that for your copyright.

http://boskolives.wordpress.com/

[Wil]

Does anyone know where I can buy vibrating pants???

It w