When I try to imagine an ideal government, it looks a lot like the government of Taiwan. First, they’re democratic. That’s a good start. But the best part is that they have Jerry Springer-like fights in parliament on a regular basis. In today’s news, yet another brawl broke out in the Taiwanese parliament. This time it was over a budget bill.
Seriously, how cool is that?
Apparently this sort of thing happens all the time in Taiwan. A legislator objects to a parliamentary procedure and the next thing you know, the Minister of Shellfish is bitch-slapping him. A moment later, the air is filled with shoes, lunchboxes, and microphones. Can you imagine CSPAN’s ratings if we followed that model in America? I don’t think you’d be able to pry yourself away from the TV long enough to take a dump. You’d just sit there all day long with an adult diaper waiting for someone to sucker punch Teddy Kennedy.
Pause to consider how much you would pay to see Nancy Pelosi kick Dick Cheney in the nuts on national television. I’ll bet it’s a big number. Imagine that after she delivers the kick, Trent Lott flings a wing tipped shoe at the back of her head and knocks her off the dais. Now how much would you pay? Personally, I’m in triple digits already and the imaginary brawl has barely started. Can it get any better?
Yes, it can. Imagine that voters start preferring candidates who have kung fu skills. It makes sense, because if you are from Rhode Island, for example, you don’t want to watch your tiny congressman get his ass kicked over a highway bill. So you’d vote for a candidate who can take a punch and still hand out some pain.
Now imagine it’s the State of the Union Address and everyone but the secretary of dryer lint is in attendance. All hell breaks loose. There’s punching and kicking and kung fu levitating. Tell me you wouldn’t be interested in politics then.
I think we’d all agree that democracy is a better form of government than a dictatorship. But democracy plus punching is the best government of all.