Queen Elizabeth is coming to America for a little visit. Apparently we Americans have our panties in bunches trying to figure out the proper protocols.
Luckily for you, I’m here to help. I’m not an “expert” in royal protocol, but most of this stuff is common sense. For example, when addressing the queen, you should call her “Your Majesty.” You should never address Queen Elizabeth with any of the following names:
When making small talk with the queen, do not try to be witty. The queen hates witty banter. Here are a few bons mots to avoid:
- Are you related to Queen Latifah?
- How’s that taxation without representation look to you now?
- How far can Prince Charles glide with those ears?
- Ask me about my Yankee doodle.
- Would you like some tea? It’s at the bottom of the Boston Harbor.
- So what exactly is your job description, aside from being Tony Blair’s fluffer?
You should also never ask the queen if you can try on her hat. But if you do, and she lets you, it’s a big mistake to take it to the next level and do your impression of her scolding the staff.
If you plan to give the queen a gift, there are some items you should steer clear of. For example, she’s traveling with her husband, Prince Philip, so it would be bad form to give her a t-shirt that says, “I’m with stupid.” He already feels bad enough.
In fact, gag gifts of any kind are out. If you are unsure whether your gift fits into the gag category, here are some clues:
- Anything involving a penis
- Anything activated by clapping, especially if it sings
- Anything involving an 8-ball
- Anything with the phrase “You want it WHEN?”
If you have to pass gas when the queen visits, wait until someone sounds a trumpet and time it accordingly. If, inexplicably, there are no trumpets, blame someone on the queen’s staff. In a loud, sarcastic voice, look at him and say, “We saved you from Hitler, and you give us that. Well, I guess we’re even.”
For the guys, if you need to reach down your pants and adjust your junk while standing in line to shake hands with the queen, that’s okay. She wears gloves for exactly that reason. I’m sure she brings an extra trunk of them when she visits America.
That’s all the royal protocol I know. Do you have anything to add?