Did you hear about the gigantic flying fish in Florida? Huge sturgeons, up to 200 lbs, are leaping out of the water and attacking people in boats while making it look like accidents.
It’s never a good idea for me to see this sort of story because I’m a worrier. Every time I see a plane pass overhead, I’m sure it’s going to double back and strafe me. And I assume anyone wearing baggy pants is planning to punch me. You might think this sort of thinking is silly, but you won’t be laughing so hard when you get punched and strafed.
Now I have to worry about huge, armor-plated fish jumping out of the water and killing me. I realize those sturgeons are in Florida, and I’m in California. But they are obviously determined. And the article doesn’t say how far they can jump. You’re probably thinking that common sense should tell me I’m safe. That’s what the guy in Florida was thinking right before a flying sturgeon broke his spine. Let’s agree that sturgeons are unpredictable.
Recently I went out on a friend’s boat. The only thing I wanted to know was my estimated survival time when I fell in the bay. Would it be faster or slower than Leonardo DiCaprio in Titanic? Now I have to worry that some frickin’ fish thinks he’s a cruise missile. The next time I go on the bay, I’ll be wearing full body armor. I sure hope it floats.
I’m not a conspiracy nut, but you have to wonder if the sturgeons are acting alone. Do they have a sturgeon general orchestrating these attacks? It’s too coincidental that no sturgeons attack humans for thousands of years and suddenly we need an air traffic controller to track all their flights.
Bin Laden likes to plan impressive attacks that top whatever he did last. But how do you top jets flying into skyscrapers? Answer: flying suicide fish. I think he’s training the sturgeons in the mountain streams of Waziristan. He’s probably showing them propaganda films about Americans eating sturgeon babies (we call it caviar), and promising the fish 72 virgin sturgeons in the afterlife. You might think no sturgeon could be that gullible, but fish are not much smarter than people.
Muslims believe that Mohammed went to heaven on a flying horse. Personally, I find that hard to believe. But if I were a flying sturgeon, I’d think a flying horse isn’t much of a stretch. My point is that you should stay away from water or there’s a good chance a fish will kill you.