Fear of Fish

Did you hear about the gigantic flying fish in Florida? Huge sturgeons, up to 200 lbs, are leaping out of the water and attacking people in boats while making it look like accidents.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2007/06/17/wfish117.xml

It’s never a good idea for me to see this sort of story because I’m a worrier. Every time I see a plane pass overhead, I’m sure it’s going to double back and strafe me. And I assume anyone wearing baggy pants is planning to punch me. You might think this sort of thinking is silly, but you won’t be laughing so hard when you get punched and strafed.

Now I have to worry about huge, armor-plated fish jumping out of the water and killing me. I realize those sturgeons are in Florida, and I’m in California. But they are obviously determined. And the article doesn’t say how far they can jump. You’re probably thinking that common sense should tell me I’m safe. That’s what the guy in Florida was thinking right before a flying sturgeon broke his spine. Let’s agree that sturgeons are unpredictable.

Recently I went out on a friend’s boat. The only thing I wanted to know was my estimated survival time when I fell in the bay. Would it be faster or slower than Leonardo DiCaprio in Titanic? Now I have to worry that some frickin’ fish thinks he’s a cruise missile. The next time I go on the bay, I’ll be wearing full body armor. I sure hope it floats.

I’m not a conspiracy nut, but you have to wonder if the sturgeons are acting alone. Do they have a sturgeon general orchestrating these attacks? It’s too coincidental that no sturgeons attack humans for thousands of years and suddenly we need an air traffic controller to track all their flights.

Bin Laden likes to plan impressive attacks that top whatever he did last. But how do you top jets flying into skyscrapers? Answer: flying suicide fish. I think he’s training the sturgeons in the mountain streams of Waziristan. He’s probably showing them propaganda films about Americans eating sturgeon babies (we call it caviar), and promising the fish 72 virgin sturgeons in the afterlife. You might think no sturgeon could be that gullible, but fish are not much smarter than people.

Muslims believe that Mohammed went to heaven on a flying horse. Personally, I find that hard to believe. But if I were a flying sturgeon, I’d think a flying horse isn’t much of a stretch. My point is that you should stay away from water or there’s a good chance a fish will kill you.

Comments

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[James]

It is not hard to believe a prophet went to heaven in a chariot of fire, but none rode a horse. A prophet is someone who speaks for God or by His direction so it would be foolish to call God's son a prophet since Messiah is God. If He truly is regarded as a prophet then why do they not believe when He said He is here to do the will of the Father?

[irdix]

I'm hungry.....

[Anon]

Nice blog, although believing a Prophet reached heaven by means of a flying horse is not dumb. Believing a Prophet is the son of God IS (or that his God himself :þ).
Keep up the good work, but leave religion out of it unless you going to become an atheist and insult all religions.

[SmR]

Virgin sturgeons?

It's not really so funny until you say it out loud. Heehehehehe....

[Broacher]

Scott, I wouldn't count on the armour solution. Wasn't that what Steve Irwin was trying out during his final days?

And what about that story of a giant tiger shark found with a suit of medieval armour in its stomach?

[RipplingBeast]

You again state, in defiance of the FBI itself, and bin Laden's denial of responsibility, that bin Laden did the World Trade Center attack.

Where do you get this stuff?

When a terrorist group does a bombing, they immediately claim responsibility, so that the authorities know just which set of demands they're supposed to bow to. Their biggest problem at that point is that smaller groups will often claim responsibility, too, trying to get the Powers That Be to listen to them. Bin Laden denied responsibility, and on the FBI's Most Wanted list in their website, they don't even post that they want him for 9-11, and have publicly denied having any evidence linking him or Al-Quaeda to 9-11.

Hello? McFly? Anyone home?

[michael]

Missouri is also having issues with Asian carp, knocking people out of boats on the Missouri River.
http://www.mdc.mo.gov/conmag/2003/06/10.htm

[Mark]

Were they leaning over the side of the boat saying "Here fishy fishy fishy..."

[Workerant]

I don't think I've laughed so much at any of your other blogs.
Pure genius

[Rajah]

There are far worse fish than sturgeons. The Amazon is home to the scariest creature of them all. A tiny fish that’s so translucent, you may not even realize it’s there…at least not at first.

The candiru (Vandellia cirrhosa), at an inch long and needle thin, is the smallest species of catfish. It has sharp spines on its dorsal and pectoral fins. It leads a parasitic life in the gills and cloacae of bigger fish, and it finds its way to each host by following the scent of uric acid, which fish emit from their gills.

Uric acid is also a component of human urine. I bet you can sense where this is going (no pun intended).

So there you are on the bank of the Amazon. Maybe you've had a drink or two, and suddenly you need to pee. Rather than exposing yourself to all & sundry, you slip into the water.....

Along comes a candiru. Sensing uric acid, it heads towards the source & burrows into what it thinks are gills. Instead of finding gills however, it ends up swimming straight up your urethra, where it implants itself by driving its spines into the inner walls of your penis.

Removal is said to be so difficult, and the pain so excruciating, that South American natives have been known to amputate the penis.

Lest women think this is a male issue, candiru have been known to burrow inside any unprotected orifice......

Now THAT'S a fish!

[Duncan Stuart]

Man, you think that's bad? In NZ there was a lady tackled by a dolphin while on the back of a boat. Broke most of the bones in her body. Obviously the coolness factor is less though due to the lack of armour plating on dolphins.

Let me be the first to say I for one welcome our armour plated flying fish overlords!

[MM]

....and of course you heard the story of the young lady who went fishing off the coast for a week with 6 young men?

She came home with a big red snapper.

[Roby Bang]

Suddenly, killer tomatoes seems more likely than ever...

~~Roby Bang

[Manual]

Another comment:

You really can't get in the boat with Cheney now ...

[Paul Stevens]

I'm almost certain that the entire point of that post was to work in the phrase 'virgin sturgeons.'

[Frank]

Was it a coffee swilling sturgeon?

[amona]

Starting to sound more and more like you are well on your way to becoming a reclusive billionaire. Hope this insanity thing works out well for you.

[S@ns S@nity]

I think whatever you are on.. I'll have two of 'em

[rita mae]

My comments are getting redundant. Scott, you are a frickin genius. I love you. (No, you have no reason to worry, I won't stalk you, because I'm too old and tired.)

[Christophe Thill]

There's an old story by Arthur Machen, called "The Terror". In it, animals are fed up with WWI and start attacking people. It was just about horses and cattle, no fish involved, but Machen surely would have liked sturgeons.

And I like Sturgeon too, he's also a great writer.

[spike17]

Finally......an issue which isn't George Bush's or Karl Rove's fault.....right?

[Ibid]

Prince Namor is coming for us!

[EnderQON]

For those interested - links to Tim Bedore's "animal conspiracy" bit:

Text:
http://www.vaguebuttrue.com/genius.htm#TheOtherAnimalsAreAginUs

MP3 and WAV files availalbe here:
http://www.vaguebuttrue.com/genius.htm

Enjoy!

[mel]

The line that made my day: "But fish are not that much smarter than people"

It still makes me giggle.