Frequently Disappointed By Mice

Mice keep yanking my chain. Today was a perfect example. The headline said scientists produced mouse stem cells from mouse skin cells. This could be a huge breakthrough, both ethically and medically. The only problem is that the method used on the mice would cause cancer in humans. Fuck you, mice. Give me something I can use!

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19067616/

My disappointment could have been worse. It’s not clear I’ll ever need that particular medical breakthrough anyway. The stories that really chafe my nuggets are the ones that sound like this:

“Researchers announced a breakthrough in gene therapy. This new technique gave mice an IQ of 700, grew hair in bald patches, doubled the size of their peckers, and made them immortal. The mice also showed signs of telekinesis, unlimited male orgasms, and x-ray vision. In lab tests, the mice beat leopards in paw-to-paw combat.”

This makes me all excited because I think “I could use a few of those things.” Then I read the rest of the story and it says something like “The researchers cautioned that this sort of gene therapy in humans would make their eyes turn into vaginas.”

It’s bad enough that I live in a country that ranks 37th in health care. The thing that really pisses me off is that I have worse health care than mice. If I were a mouse, I would start smoking, drinking, overeating and having unsafe sex, because those tiny bastards can be cured of anything with a goddamned aspirin and a shot of their own skin cells.

It makes me wonder if mice are easily cured because of the placebo effect. Mice don’t know anything about science, so they think whatever the scientist is doing must be helping. For example, if a lab mouse sees the janitor beating off in a test tube, the mouse thinks “Hey, my tumor is shrinking!” And then it does. You can’t underestimate the power of positive mouse thinking.

Just once I would like to see a headline that said, “SCIENTISTS DISCOVER A CURE FOR HUMAN DIABETES,” followed by details that say, “Scientists caution that this treatment in mice would give them inverted erections and make them hump themselves to death.”

Well, I can dream.

Comments

[matt]

thank you jesus, i love scott adams and i found his blog, my favorite is, "If it waddles like a duck and it quacks like a duck then it's usually a duck, but sometimes it's a duck hunter who was just given a massive wedgie while simultaneously blowing a duck call. If you think this isn't happening daily you haven't been hunting with me." thank you sir, thank you

[anya]

Space Exploration Benefits Our World, costs too much

[accumulator]

Agree with a flat tax system

[07 car detroit show]

Not much on my mind right now. Today was a complete loss. So it goes. I've just been sitting around waiting for something to happen. I've basically been doing nothing , but I guess it doesn't bother me.

[eye candy torrent]

The U.S.-Mexican border fence works, doesn't work

[adidas book campus off store]

Home schooling provides a better education, is worse for your child

[plastic root beer mug]

People are too strict on other people

[Victor Laszlo]

So move to Cuba or N Korea, or some other communist country, like Canada. Nobody's twisting your hitlerite limp wrist to stay here. And take Michael Moore's fat ass with you, please.

[claritin liquid]

Today was a complete loss, but oh well. I don't care. So it goes. Nothing going on , but shrug. Not much on my mind these days. Such is life.

[Xyfbzi]

I was reading in discover that they created a chemical, that when given to a mouse with bad parenting, would make the mouse think and behave like a mouse that was parented well.
You seem exceedingly right on this one.

[Kelly W]

Why would you limit it to male orgasms? You cheap bastard.

[Bedpuddle]

My cubicle neighbor must be wondering if I am laughing hysterically, or crying my eyes out.

[Robert Hamilton]

Don't tell me, let me guess. You went to see the tennis match, and you sprained your back trying to copy a Federer return shot. Your wife had to fireman carry you into the emergency room...(someone finish this)

[Noah Vaile]

Exactly WHO rates the United States as 37th in health care? And where would any sane person rather go if they needed it?

And what happened to the most violent belief system poll?

[Houlscerosis]

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My most recent post is about Thaksin Shinawatra, the former Thai president who was removed by a military coup last year and what he's been getting up to in exile.

Please have a read and any comments would be much appreciated.

Thanks

[kein]

Really funny post, grins.

[Praetorian1313]

I work at a vet clinic. We take care of exotics a lot (ie: small furry or scaled things that are NOT cats and dogs)
We see lots of pet white rats and mice, usually end stage. Almost every one of them is dying of cancer or covered in grotesque tumors.
Appearantly just LIVING causes cancer in rats and mice, so what good is research showing that drinking 50 gallons of something everyday might cause cancer???
heh heh Vaginal eyes.
Looking for love in all the wrong places..........

[Sarvesh]

My sympathies are with the poor mouse. It's being reviled for the most common human weakness-the desire for fifteen minutes of fame. If a scientist is able to do as much as make a mouse lose weight by starving it for a month, it is publicised as a breakthrough in human understanding of nature. The scientist is able to fulfill the ultimate human aspiration, by appearing on national television, and the company sponsoring him can get share prices to double without much real effort.

It's probably the mice who're laughing at human stupidity and enjoying unlimited male orgasms, while watching humans swell with pride on TV about little nothings.

[Jenni]

Thinking about sex a lot today, are we, Scott?

[Kent]

Cats HATE mice.

[Codes]

I am begining to believe that it is possible to chart your wife's menstral cycle by the sex references in your blogs. I m to... Wellcome to my site http://zvonka.net

[Billy B]

That was some great writing, Scott.

"It’s bad enough that I live in a country that ranks 37th in health care."

I wonder where they get these figures from. I know a lot of worthless people on welfare or disability, that have ruined their lives with drugs and such and we support them and keep them alive instead of just letting them die because they where stupid. Just saying.
Billy B

[Sir]

Think of it this way: the mice are tiny animals around the bottom of the food chain. We're maybe a hundred or so times their size and weight (I'm guessing, but you know what mice look like). Medical and technological concerns aside, isn't it a bit impractical to expect a mouse to help you with anything? I at least don't think that they should be relied on.

[Philip Lane]

Hi,

Erm, did you not see the headlines ? Type 1 diabetes cure in humans ?

http://www.newscientist.com/channel/health/dn11571-rebuilt-immune-system-shakes-off-diabetes.html

Bit of a catch though, complete bone marrow replacement.

So you Americans still want to ban stem cell reasearch ? ok by us. We'll do all the reasearch and make all the money. I'm a brit by the way.

[theobee]

Getting vagina eyes sounds a whole lot better then getting a poke in the eye with a blunt stick...

Theo