When I saw the headline “Oklahoma couple claims $105.8M Powerball prize” I wondered about the age and profession of the husband. I also wondered if he would keep his job. And by “wondered” I mean I already knew it would be an older guy in a blue collar job who plans to keep working. Isn’t it always?
I don’t want to accuse the Powerball people of fixing these lotteries. But I notice that the people who win are coincidentally the people who would be best for marketing future Powerball lotteries. You know what story you will never hear about a lottery winner? It’s this one:
“Wealthy bachelor neurosurgeon, age 30, wins $300 million in the lottery. The lucky winner, Winston Arbuckle III, says he plans to “Buy another yacht, smoke more weed, and float around the Mediterranean until I die from the clap.” Asked about his neurosurgery practice, Arbuckle quipped, “I never liked sick people.”
No, you will only hear stories about the modest couple with the hard-working husband, usually in his late fifties or early sixties. They will be “thinking about” getting a nicer house. In this latest lottery story, the husband is a long-haul trucker whose truck has recently crapped out. He plans to buy a new (used) truck and keep working. He says there’s only so much time you can spend fishing.
That’s his story. And I believe it. But I can’t help wondering if he had any thoughts along these lines:
“Holy shit. I don’t want to spend more time with my wife. What am I going to do? I know, I’ll say I’m going to keep working. That will make me look like a great guy. But I’ll hire a chauffeur to drive the truck for me. I’ll trick out the trailer part with a beer tap, big screen TV and a sofa. And I’ll only pretend to be transporting air conditioners. I’ll just tell Jeeves to drive me around the country while I sit in the back eating onion rings and farting into the couch. We’ll only stop to refuel and pick up prostitutes. YEE-HAAA!!!”
Did I just accidentally write a script for the next Adam Sandler movie?