Petting

What do you think about when you pet a dog or cat? There are three typical categories:

1. You imagine how it feels for the animal so you can maximize its pleasure.

2. You think about how it feels to you and your hand.

3. You think about whatever you were going to think about anyway.

If you imagine what it’s like to be the animal, you are probably a generous and giving person who gets shit upon by everyone who has your cell phone number.

If you think about how you and your hand feel, you are probably a selfish, egotistical douche bag.

If you think about whatever you were going to think about anyway, you’re either a sociopath or too busy to enjoy life.

Lately I’ve been trying a new cat-petting method. I keep reading about how pets make people healthier. So I try to visualize the health benefits I’m getting from petting the cat. As I pet, I imagine my blood pressure and cholesterol dropping while my white blood cell count is rising. I tell myself this symbiotic relationship is healthy for the cat too. It’s a win-win scenario. Eventually my mind drifts off to whatever topic I plan to write for my blog.

I realize my petting method makes me a selfish, egotistical, sociopath, douche bag. I figure that’s a small price to pay to live long enough to be an old coot and a burden on society.

It’s important to have goals when you pet. Otherwise you’re just rubbing another mammal for no reason.

Comments

[mg]

"If you imagine what it’s like to be the animal, you are probably a generous and giving person who gets shit upon by everyone who has your cell phone number."

Nah. I love animals as much as I distrust humans. And I don't think I'm the only one. Show me a human in distress because of his/her own stupid actions, and I'll probably just have something snarky to say; show me an animal who's been run over by a car, and I'll burn rubber trying to get the poor thing to the animal hospital on time (cursing humanity all the time). So, perhaps you should add 1b. "If you imagine what it's like to be the animal, you could be a misanthrope who only likes creatures who can't speak in words."

[Tmac]

Cats: Hmmmm...free massage. On Demand. I just have to be nice only once in a while, the rest of the time I'll ignore him.

Dogs: I'll be nice to him because then he'll rub my belly.

Lesson: Cats are selfish, masters of psychological manipulation - they'd be great in advertising. Dogs are generous, self-sacrificing pushovers - no wonder they get run over more often.

[GeekinTexas]

I think you just wanted to catch our attention by titling a blog entry "Petting". Hmmmmph!

[Bytesage]

Reading some of the comments ... I can see rubbing another mammal, but I just don't 'get' reptiles, and usually not birds either, fish are simple and amusing to tease, until they become dinner. FYI a pregnant goldfish is called a 'twit' the reason I'd call a person that is because they seem to have about the same attention span .. about 3 seconds, like when someone on the highway changes lanes to pass someone, and then forgets what they are doing in that lane before they finish the passing maneuver. Idiots; put here for my amusement .. and profit, but I share my toys.

Also, I like to be scratched behind the ears, and have my back rubbed. I've met one or two other guys (or maybe a LOT more) that felt the same way.

And just so ya'll know I used to have a HOT (straight) roommate who didn't realize that he liked being scratched under his chin. Then one day we were having a beer and I thought his Miami Vice chin looked like it itched so I reached out and .. well .. hehe so much for "straight", it turns out there were a few more areas he liked being rubbed, petted and scratched ;-)

[Bytesage]

Didn't you blog about molesting your cat before?? I'm having Deja'vu.

If its any consolation, cats usually have the same psychosis as their owners.

Your cat is probably getting 'pleasure' from being rubbed by another mammal.

Personally my favorite 'mammals' to rub up against are hot warm blooded 20 something cowboys. :-)

[eclecticdog]

"It’s important to have goals when you pet. Otherwise you’re just rubbing another mammal for no reason." -- nose-snortin' hilarious!

I'm mostly the addendum: "4. You think: my little friend is here- how are you? I can't talk to you, or you me, but we can interact and be nice to each other." but also 1. as it makes the pet happier.

But if you change "another mammal" to "a woman", then I'm a selfish, egotistical douche-bag too.

[GeraldNZ]

VermontGal is right - petting the cat is a kind of transaction that feels good on both sides. You feel good because of the cat's pleasure, and the immediate sensation on your hand. Enjoying the cat's pleasure is not a sign of naivete. In fact, a strong level of empathy can help you detect when someone is lying to you, and thereby avoid being shat on.

[Will Von Wizzlepig]

I think you left one out:

4. You think: my little friend is here- how are you? I can't talk to you, or you me, but we can interact and be nice to each other.

Take 'pet' out of your original statement and replace it with 'friend', and the lacking element in your post is revealed.

There are people you use, people who use you, and people you ignore, yes, and then there are real friends you are just happy to know and see, and you don't 'use' each other in the common meaning of the word.

[Yes I'm in a Bad Mood]

This time of year I think about all the fur my dog is shedding, and how it's such a pain to clean it all up.

[Darren]

"Oh, please--why does everything have to be about deep logical thoughts?"

Why would you blog about something otherwise? Potential alternate universe blog:

"I pet my cat today".

[VermontGal]

Oh, please--why does everything have to be about deep logical thoughts? Petting an animal is immensely meditative. It feels good, to me, and to the animal. It's like a good conversation, not about things, exactly, but feelings and a personal connection.

Also...I think rubbing is a mammal thing...something about all that fur and sensitive skin.

[Sabrina]

I do all three at various times, sometimes together. Sometimes, I'm concentrating very much on the cat, making it purr, watching it close its eyes, or lifting its neck while I rub under its chin. Sometimes I give it little kittie massages, which they really seem to enjoy. When I do this, I am actually able to simultaneously enjoy the feel of the cat's fur under my hand, amazing as that may seem. And, in fact, even more truly amazingly, I am sometimes able to think about entirely unrelated things while maximizing the cat's enjoyment, and still liking the sensation of petting it.

[Susan]

I don't think about anything. Instead, my cat and I enter a Zen state of total relaxation similar to meditation but with the funny mantras.

[Ashok Subbarama]

"Otherwise you’re just rubbing another mammal for no reason."
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Jeeez Scott .. it just makes me wonder how you come up with these ideas :) Rubbing another mammal (not necessary a pet) is an act so noble it does not require any reason at all.

-Ashok

[Jennifer]

I imagine how it feels for my pet because cats writhe in the most amusing ways when they're happy. I also often imagine how they're imagining the most human-pleasing ways to roll around on the ground so they get more attention.

[GirlFan]

If you think petting a cat is strange, try going to YouTube.com and search on "cat" "spank".

[Real Live Girl]

Your forgot #4, which is just following orders. Sometimes it's just easier for everyone involved to just give them what they want.

My cat pretty much demands to be pet, and will bother me nonstop until she gets the mammal rubbing she so desires. Reminds me a little of a long-ago boyfriend - except the cat isn't nearly as whiny, and much more amusing.

[pbeckingham]

How come there is no human equivalent?

You don't see us nuzzling up to large farm/zoo stock, expecting a good rub. Cats are manipulative.

[RPK]

Not sure if it relates to this subject, but I saw a great sign yesterday:

Dogs have Masters,

Cats have Staff.

[Vics]

LOL It's posts like this that make me love you *grin*

[Jonathan]

Ever wonder why animals always lay on their backs to get you to rub their bellies? Cause they have like 70 million nipples down there.

[DL From Heidelberg]

My cat has two modes for petting. Mode #1 - curls up next to you; you pet. Mode #2 - falls on floor and lays on back with bedroom eyes; you pet and get your hand sliced by razor sharp claws. Mode #2 does little to lower my blood pressure but dramatically increases my white cell counts as my blood fights the potential infection.

[DML]

So we are either:
1) pathetic rugs
2) douche bags
3) or busy/sociopaths.

Ouch! How about we just avoid petting anything and hope to be something better? :)

[Avi Bernshaw]

Has anyone else ever wondered why it seems totally acceptable to give your pets a scratch behind the ears and a rub on the tummy, but if you try to do it to a boy/girlfriend, they invariably break up with you?

[Kisha]

i'm thinkng about how bad my dog needs a bath or her teeth brushed or that type of thing. Sometimes I'm thinking out how spoiled she is, or how the hell do people get away with saying Malteese don't shed? My couch has hair all over it. Damn dog!