Why Cartoonists Can’t Be Archaeologists

In the news, archaeologists with nothing better to do have been digging up graves of prehistoric hunter-gatherers in Europe. They say there’s evidence that human sacrifice was common back then. But I looked at the picture they provided and all I saw was evidence that the skeleton on the left was giving the skeleton in the middle a “happy ending.”

http://news.aol.com/topnews/articles/_a/study-points-to-human-sacrifice-in/20070611165609990001?ncid=NWS00010000000001

Is it my imagination, or is the guy in the middle enjoying having his bone touched? I didn’t realize a skeleton could look so happy. Anyway, the guy on the left, who I call Bruce, is the one I have the most questions about. Was he always gay, or did he just figure there was no harm in experimenting since he was going to be ritually slain in half a minute anyway.

Bruce: Hey, Larry. Can I ask you something?

Larry: Yes, Bruce?

Bruce: Do you mind if I grab your junk right before they kill us?

Larry: Whatever.

The skeleton on the right appears to be a woman who died from some sort of camel toe problem. But that’s another story. I apologize for making you go back and look at that same picture three times. I think you’ll agree it was worth it.

This is another example of why cartoonists are not allowed to practice archaeology. We’re too easily tempted to arrange Upper Paleolithic skeletons in sexual poses and claim we found them that way. Some might call that sort of thing desecration. To them I say, “Too soon?” Because unlike those skeletons, that joke never gets old.

It’s a bit unnerving to know that 27,000 years after I die, some goober can dig me up and start guessing what my life was like. That’s why I want to be buried with a kangaroo, a piano, and a bottle of mustard. I don’t want it to be too easy.

And come to think of it, throw Bruce’s bones in there with me too. He seems like fun.

Comments

[Chty]

The link in your article is dead.

[Comfortably numb]

Well, according to the Bible (old testament), guys grabbed each other's junk all the time when they wanted to swear an unbreakable oath.

[Aaron]

it's shitless funny! lol

[Yasha]

Yes, we actually do this stuff. Although not so much moving the bones by hand as with liberal use of Photoshop. What's better - finding out the truth, or sounding authoritative?

[Tomas Liubinas]

LOL. Top class post. You should have realized that this blog could easily stay in records and some sort of archives for many thousansds of years. Now that is really interesting..

Greetings from Lithuania

[Mark Bowness]

This is a very funny blog! Keep them coming!

Mark Bowness
www.peoplpassionplanet.com

[Tutu]

World's earliest known "hand-job" parlor?

[Leora]

He's obviously got hold of the lucky third ball.

[withheld]

The kangaroo, piano, mustard scenario is actually quite easy to figure out. Obviously you were into kangaroo tapping. The piano was to serenade your beloved marsupial in the afterlife; and the mustard served as a kangaroo aphrodisiac/sex enhancer.

[jerry w.]

If the action shown on the left is an indication of their life styles, perhaps the guy on the right was buried face down so his friends would recognize him?

I'm just asking...

http://boskolives.wordpress.com/

[WOW Power leveling]

you're so interesting, i love your writing.

[James Langham]

Could be interesting what archaeologists make of you with those.

I was always told that they have a difficult job due to lack of evidence. Imagine reconstructing the war in Afghanistan from:

* Rusty pieces of AK47
* Taliban press releases
* Soldier of Fortune articles

That is actually more than we have to go on for some ancient wars... (e.g. Roman invasion of Gaul is mainly based on Gaius Julius Caesar's own account that he wrote when trying to get himself elected to office...).

For reference I would like to be buried with:
* The left rear brake light of a Land Rover (red glass)
* A tube of superglue
* A jar of honet (doesn't go off)
* A left rear paw of a rabbit
* A return bus ticket to London (outward only used)

That should confuse them. Oh and wearing:

* Sandals
* A pair of dinner jacket trousers
* A KGB T-shirt (made in the USA)
* An SAS pattern combat jacket
* Top hat

That will definately do it!

[ShirtBloke]

If the one one the right is lying face down, and the grave was shallow, it shows that even neolithic man needed somewhere to park his bicycle.

[marmiter]

the woman on the right is standing (lying?) with her hands on her hips. could be, that the guy in middle got nagged to death...

[Zach Woodcock]

Cool blog. You're that Charles Schulz dude, aren't you?

[W.J. Pressurising]

Following that link, I was much more disturbed by the advert on the right and its creepy graphic showing the signs of visible aging being reduced by, er, about 27,000 years.

[Arturo]

How do you know the one being grabbed isn't a woman...?

Or the one doing the grabbing isn't a woman?

[tony]

Looks to me like Bruce is just trying to get some added value on his old tennis balls

[Seth]

Ref: being buried with piano, mustard and kangaroo. Archaeologist's conclusion: This dude thought he was funny. Either a cartoonist or a comedian, I'm going with cartoonist since there's no booze and he hasn't asked me how I'm doing tonight.

[Mark Robinson]

Totally off topic, but worth reading for a laugh:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070614/ap_on_fe_st/baby_monitor_space

[Andreas Toscano]

The one in the middle is definitely telling the lady on the right:
- I don't need you. Even Bruce can do it...

BTW, that's not a camel toe, that's a freaking mamooth toe.

A

[Eugene Cox]

"camel-toe problem"? He didn't go there, did he?

Scott, I can't believe you went there!

[gawker]

funniest post ever. i am learning the art of funny from you. also, i am 20 years younger than you so when bruce is fondling you in your grave, i will be the one describing that scene for the funny fans of that time. please make sure you die in 20 years. thank you.

[rd]

a very pretty skeleton
http://news.yahoo.com/photo/070613/480/d176cb974e2c4947adff2e390f81626c;_ylt=AmSISn.nJZCK8u0ofi610s5xieAA

all is said already what i wanted to say
- an obscure purpose of mustard
- that bruce looks female
- that the skeleton on the right looks like it's facing down(hint - scapulae)
- usefulness of cremation
nothing left to comment on :(
except, their toes are missing! - i mean, their feet bones
i could become a pretty good CSItor

[Diana W]

Ok, now my life's ambition is to outlive George W by enough years that I'll be able to break into his grave and rearrange things so his anatomy will match his actions - his head will literally be up his ass for eternity.

[Bill]

Why don't you sign up with Alcor.org and talk to the future archaeologists yourself? Otherwise they're likely to correctly determine how lame our civilization was. Especially if they dig up any evidence of these guys:
http://www.objectiveministries.org/creation/projectpterosaur.html

[Billy B]

BTW.... Why is a so called bright guy and Mensa member still using AOL? Never mind, I know Mensa members that stand in soup lines.
Billy B

[Billy B]

"Europe's prehistoric hunter-gatherers may have practiced human sacrifice, a new study claims."

Nothing new about that, I learned it when you where still living in your daddy's nut sack. This is not new news, just recycled news because humans forget so easily, or didn't read it the first time around.

I know that you must love your wife, and life, but you are not getting enough. Are you? Well join the fucking crowd.
Billy B

[D. Mented]

That picture is just sick!
(took me a few tries to slow the laughter enough to type)
Why did they bury the one on the right face down?
Maybe this isn't sacrifice - it's some kind of early homophobic reaction to catching Larry, Bruce, and what's-her-name expirimenting.
(Maybe it's a serial killer's dump site. Ick. Sometimes I don't like what's inside my ehad very much)
That picture is still sick!
D. Mented

[Max]

That´s my grandpa´s skeleton, you asshole!!

[Sam D]

How do you know that the scientist didn't arange them in that pose?

Scientist 1: Bill, do you think it is a little depressing that we dig up dead people for a living?

Scientist 2: A little, but what if I put this skeltons hand on this onther skelton grion? Lightens the mood a little don't you think?

Scientist 1: It sure does, now take some photos for our cover piece.

[Joe Drinker]

And now, from the great beyond, the three friends look down to find their remains exposed, Larry turns to Bruce and says "You did what to me after I died? I knew you should have gone first!"

[LordZeus]

The one on the right is lying face down (see the sholder blades)... Just that you know...

[Ben]

I don't know about the sexual implications of what's going on, but what if it's the exact opposite? I mean, what if Bruce and Margaret had a fight before bed? That would explain why she's face down - she has a 'headache'. As for Larry, that sneaky bastard is pick-pocketing Bruce while they other two sleep.

Where's Alarm Force when you need them?

[Jon]

Archeologists found Mozart's grave. While escavating, they heard scratching noises coming from inside the tomb. When they opened the casket, they saw the noise was Wolfgang was erasing his sheet music.

"Mr. Mozart," they exclaimed. "What are you doing?"

He calmly looked at them and answered, "Decomposing."

[black spot]

I’ve threatened my husband to cremate him and keep him on the mantle piece so I can continue to nag him after death. Why waste half a life time’s expertise?

I’m leaving my body to science, so I expect to be found pickled (woo-hoo) in jars years later. Maybe my innards will turn up as an exhibit of early man from the 20th or 21st century. That I smoked and drank will be an amazing revelation for them. Of course I will insist that all pickled bits include a banana in the jar. Have to give them something really stupid to mull over.

This was a hilarious post.

[jerry w.]

I read the article and I'm thinking that maybe there wasn't enough room for another full size body, so someone decided to "toss a dwarf" into the mix?

Or maybe it's a reward for the little person for "going up" on the guy in charge?

Way past time to get those answers, R.I.P. Bruce and Larry.

http://boskolives.wordpress.com/

[John]

Try looking into Egyptology, that is, if you want some real entertainment.

Think 'Easy answers on LSD' followed by 'confirmation bias on cocaine'

[rockbert]

Too funny!
Yes, I had to open the link 3 times, and, yes, it was worth it!
BTW did you look at the web site credited for the picture? (LiveScience.com). It looks like it has lots of blog fodder. e.g. did you see the headline: "Female Boobies Dump the Best Males" (scroll down in "Most Recent Articles")

[Toad]

You have to read this! Anything involving a rampaging squirrel attacking three people is just good entertainment.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/germany_squirrel_dc

[Dio]

Very funny Scott. And I really like the the whole piano thing. LOL!!!

[Mike]

I don't know Scott, Larry looks like he was tied down and couldn't get away from the pleasure. Look at the position of his arms and face, he's looking away in fear!

[QwkDrw]

The archaeologists that publicized their findings and theories using this photo . . . CAN NOT BE SERIOUS.

Perhaps they also aspire to be cartoonists -- just using a different media.

[Jayce]

I laughed until I cried.

[Dave]

Hmm. I guess the archaeologist who digs up 3 bodies that were just some dead guys being buried, would be reading the sits. vac. column in Archaeology Weekly pretty soon. On the other hand, the archaeologist who digs up 3 bodies and somehow discerns that there was some deviant ritual involved, such as human sacrifice or post-vivant sexual activity (d'you like what I did there?), is gonna be fighting the grants committees off with a stick the next time he needs some cash money for new shovels or something.

[Lora]

Picture looks to me as if the one in the middle is wanting to be nearer to the one on the right and the one on the left wants the one in the middle to comfort him/her. The one on the right looks like a female to me only because of the way the legs are lying.

[IT Whipping Boy]

Larry wanted Bruce to touch him in New Jersey????

[Carl]

Sorry to rain on your parade but the one on the left is not a Bruce, it's a Britney. See the pelvis? You can tell a male from a female from the birth canal. The one on the right is definitely a male (so, no camel toe); and the one in the middle is up for grabs (I'm not the only one who thinks so, obviously).

If we decide that the one in the middle is a female, we now have a much cooler happy ending.

[Meghan]

The guy in the middle looks like he's trying to get away. He was probably saying, "Stop touching me, dammit!"

[DML]

Ancient rituals, huh? Looks like we may have evidence of the first Circle Jerks. Obviously something went horribly wrong...

[Peh]

Fantastic post.
Just showing my appreciation.
Not much else I can do on a heavily filtered school internet account.

[rootnode]

I would say it was more of case of Larry pressuring the, by then, delirious Bruce.

Larry: "Hey, Bruce?"
Bruce: "Mmmhh..."

L:"Touch me where it smells funny?"
B:"No."

L:"please."
B:"No."

L:"Touch me where it smells funny."
B:"No."

L:"now?"
B:"No."

L:"Touch me where it smells funny!"
B:"No!"

L:"Touch me where it smells funny!!!"
B:"No!!!"

L:"please?"
B:"No."

L:"How about now?"
B:"No... Well ok."

[Calendar Hacksaw]

Am I the only one who noticed that the article was written by "Heather Whipps?"

[Yuriy]

Scott, I find it interesting that you assume that the two skeletons on the left are both guys...

[harrycat]

I take it Bruce has not been through the company's sexual herassmeant training...

[Harry]

L0L!

[Maighstir]

I get the impression that the "female with the camel-toe problem" is actually lying face-down.

[Lenn]

Sick, Scott. Sick, sick, sick!
Hilarious, but still sick.

[Mark Thorson]

I get the kangaroo and the
piano, but what's with the
mustard?

[azw88]

So, archaeologists are just necrophiliacs deep down inside??

[BMV]

Well what can I say there archaeologists. They don't have a chance of even getting a date. So they do stuff like that to make their lives a little brighter.

[Jacob Gould]

If you look the "Camel Toe" is actually dead Jane Doe's Budonk-a-donk she must have rolled over out of desperation to avoid seeing Bruce in his final throughs of passion and death. Brings new definition to "boney butt"

[Robert Hamilton]

Adams, you might need to check the ventilation in your office...And as for this emerging bi-sexual side of you, I just hope your wife is cool with that. I would really like to see your children reading this post to the teacher and trying to explain your job. "He draws cartoons.. about how work sucks.. and he writes this blog...no wait.. he just draws."

[Marxist]

Wooh.

[basselope]

Same goes for Zoology, Scott.
Think how much fun you could have naming new species! Tibetan Big-dong Donkey; Asian Bald-ass Monkey; Great Northern Bouncy Titmouse...
Give some of these a try:

http://www.imagequest3d.com/cgi-bin/ImageFolio4/imageFolio.cgi?search=zxc001&img=0&cat=&bool=and

[sheilah]

Hmmm...bury me with a flashlight, a shovel, a bottle of Perrier and a case of Twinkies. I will have water, light, a way out and the Twinkies will probably still be edible in 27,000 years.

Yeah...and toss Bruce in there too.

[Frizzell]

I guess it just goes to show that the "I have a headache" excuse has been around for 27,000 years. I can just picture Larry, "Come on sweetheart. Look, even Bruce is willing to give it a shot". It just goes to show that there is only one thing on the male mind.

[Dee]

Cremation and scattered ashes. Then they can't dig you up.

[Fred Nurke]

Even the kangaroo, piano, and mustard will pale in comparison at the wonderment the archeologists will have when uncovering millions and millions of pounds of dog poo sealed for eternity in little plastic bags. What kind of reverence did this society have for its canine companions that it preserved their excrement for future generations? Was it for some hope of cloning and reviving Rover? Or some caninic scatalogical fetish? Enquiring minds will want to know!

[CLB]

Guess Bruce is giving Larry a real boner.

[Dave's not here!]

From the article:

"These individuals may have been feared, hated or revered," said Formicola. "We do not know whether this adolescent received special burial treatment in spite of being a dwarf or precisely because he was a dwarf."

They may have been happy. They may have been sad. They may have played Nintendo. We just don't know, but we're more than happy to talk about it.

[Mark]

You know those archaeologists were laughing, too. Scientists, as much as some try to deny it, have a juvenile sense of humor.

What better kind is there?

[Donovan Young]

Too funny... but... "Bruce" appears to be female from the look of the pelvis. Of course, that changes nothing but I couldn't pass on pointing it out to show I was paying attention in biology after all.

We've all heard stories about people asphyxiating themselves during homoerotic encounters because it allegedly enhances the experience. What if these ancient people discovered that having a knife plunged into your heart at just the right moment is even better? How would you know? Is it worth a try?

Perhaps Larry took it a step further and figured that if having your own heart cut out was good... imagine what it would be like to have your friends hearts cut out at the same time?!

[E]

One other option would be to have a coke machine instead of a tomb stone, with a small trust to keep it stocked.

"Have a coke on me!" would be certain to be a cemetary hit.

Paul's suggestion was better...

I glanced at that photo yesterday and blew right past the skeletal erotic massage, but darned if it isn't right there for the taking. It is one of those things where, once you see it, you can't see anything else.

Piano, kangaroo and a bottle of mustard... hysterical.

Nicely done.

[mreed]

Hey Scott, I attempted to use your tried and true method of "sitting and thinking about stuff," and I too came up with a solution to the energy problem AND America's problem with obesity! (I am posting it here because I don't know if you check comments from past posts). I call it the "Civil Fitness Program." Here's how it works:

The government builds a massive gym-like complex in your/my home town. All of the equipment in the building is attached to cables, so when Macho Mike and Buff Beth start lifting weights they have to use the cable mechanism. Most equipment today uses cables. Nothing original yet. Here's where it gets interesting: Those cables are then connected to a series of pulleys. At the theatre where I used to work, we could lift massive props above the stage with only the strength of one worker, thanks to the pulleys and counterweight system. The same idea would be used here. When everybody lifts the weights, the cables run through the pulleys and they lift even bigger weights that then fall after each repetition. These falling weights could act like a pseudo-piston, right? Imagine thousands of these pistons underneath the complex, hooked to a generator, creating energy and helping the gym goers lose those unsightly love handles.

The CFP can even pay people to come. Imagine: High school football teams could make a chunk of change by helping create energy to light their town... all the while pumping iron like they do anywhere else.

This is completely unfeasible and impractical. I thought you'd like it.

[More]

I guess Larry's hand is on the butt (or what used to be) of the woman.

[Ibid]

A few miles from where I grew up there's a large chemical plant near a cemetery. I always thought it'd be a great place to start a zombie movie. But when I went to get pictures the trees had grown to block the view from the old part of the cemetery, where the good monuments are, and the new part of the cemetery, where you could see the chemical plant, just had these short, cheap, lame-ass grave markers.
Good grave markers have become a thing of the past. So I'm gonna make sure I have a good one just to dress up the cemetery.
I want to be cremated, then have the ashes mixed in with some concrete, just add water, use the concrete to make a monument to me. Nothing to bury. Just drop me somewhere where I look imposing.

[Argenbert]

SO funny. i'd totally fiddle with skeleton's positions.

[Real Live Girl]

There's probably a good chance a pre-historic cartoonist arranged the bodies, and a comic of it is painted on a cave wall somewhere.

I want to be buried with a porcupine, an abacus, some fruit rollups, and a flashlight. That should make for an interesting story for our descendants or future Overlords from space.

[-drew]

This is why I want to be cremated; no one can rearrange my bones later.

[Penethra]

ROTFLMAO! Thanks so much for the laugh, Scott. I needed it. :)

[Sean]

Personally, if I were going to create my own tomb, the first thing I would do is rig my coffin so that when anyone opens the lid, my skeleton snaps up into the sitting position. I figure that would be good for at least one heart attack, assuming they haven't cured those in the future.

[Jim]

Way too much time on your hands.....

[Chief of the Cubicle Police]

"camel toes", "happy endings". lol. you're one cool dude.

good 'ol Bruce will have me laughing for a while today...

[Stomper]

Paul's suggestion is terrific, but you have to hide the tomb so it is not found too soon. To preserve its secrecy, you will probably have to make sure the tomb is sealed with all its construction workers inside. Tough to manage, because you will still have to be alive in order to murder the workers and seal the tomb from the inside.

Oh, and cover the walls of the tomb with Dilbert comics, sort of like hieroglyphics. That would be cool, and it would give you something to do after you sealed yourself inside the tomb.

--Stomper

[Dilbert's Rabbi]

Sacrilige!! You've desecrated the fine and pure science of archeology and turned into a sick cartoonist's necrophiliac fantasy!! I'm shocked!! I'm outraged!!

I'm laughing... quite funny, actually.

[neopolitan]

In a few sci-fi books there is the idea of transferring memories and personalities from one body to another (ie, to your young clone - possibly an enhanced model). If they do get the hang of this in time for you to achieve your goal of effective immortality, you will end up with a lot of skeletons buried around the place. You might even be able to be there when they dig up your skeleton from 27,000 years ago - in which case you will have to explain just what you were doing with Bruce.

Or what Bruce was doing with you ...

[Paul]

Personally, if I were you, I would build an elaborate, opulent, and lead-lined tomb. Then fill it with fake documents that tell about how you were the President of Earth and fought off an invading army of aliens single-handed, while fathering thousands of children. That way, when you're found in the distant future, people will have nothing to compare your claims against and worship you as a god.

It's what I'd do if I had the cash.