All of the major candidates for president of the United States are qualified. They know the issues. They’re smart. They’ve all shown leadership, and they obviously know politics.
But which one is luckiest? I want the luckiest person as my president. That’s what I liked about Bill Clinton and Ronald Reagan. They were lucky people, and it seemed to rub off on the country. The trouble is, how do you predict who is going to be lucky?
I have a theory that everyone is born with a similar quantity of luck, but it’s distributed unevenly over a lifetime. Some people have their bad luck early in life, followed by good luck for the rest of their lives, and vice versa. If someone “up there” is planning people’s fates, a few of those decisions must have gone like this:
“You will have cancer, and one nut, but to even things out, I’ll let you win the Tour de France a bunch of times, and hump Sheryl Crow until it gets boring.”
“You will be poor, and sexually abused as a child. But to even things out, you’ll be Oprah.”
“You will be born to one of the richest families in America. You will be handsome and smart and eventually President of the United States. You will shag Marilyn Monroe and anything else with a skirt. But just to even things out, I’ll have some guy shoot you in the head.”
“You will be over seven feet tall, and the greatest basketball legend of our time. You will score 100 points in a single game, and you will have sex with 20,000 women. But to even things out, I have to give you heart failure at the age of 63.”
“You are the sexiest male movie star of all time. You are wealthy and desired by all women. But just to even things out, I’ll make you marry a woman who can’t stop adopting poor kids until you have to sleep in the garage next to the recycling bins.”
See how this works? All we have to do is find the presidential candidate who had the worst early life experience. That’s the one who will have the most luck in the future.
Senator McCain immediately comes to mind. He was a prisoner of war. But if you read his biography, it looks like he already used up his luck by consistently being the “guy who didn’t get killed.” And his misfortune of being tortured already helped him get elected Senator. I worry that he might have already achieved breakeven.
Romney scares the hell out of me. That guy was born wealthy, handsome, and brilliant. And he keeps getting smarter, more successful, and better looking. Everything he touches turns to gold. Luckwise, he’s running on fumes. If he gets elected, I expect the moon to fall out of orbit and land in Ohio.
Hilary Clinton had the massive good luck to marry Bill Clinton. But that was cancelled out by the massive bad luck of being married to Bill Clinton. She’s already ahead of the game by being Senator. The best thing Bill can do to get Hilary elected is to appear on The Today Show and molest Meredith Viera, thereby creating a luck surplus for his wife.
Well, you see how the luck theory works. If you think you have a more reliable method for picking a president, you’re probably no more qualified to vote than I am.