May 2008

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I hate that I can't ever remember my favorite jokes, but here's one that I heard from a friend in Spain (I would've used the Chinese Tortures one; I love that one, but it was already said.):

So, St. Peter is guarding the pearly white gates up in Heaven. 3 guys walk up.

The first guy walks up to St. Peter. St. Peter says, "Hello, and who might you be?" The guy says, "I'm Monet." And St. Peter says, "Well, to let you in to Heaven, I have to be sure that you are who you say you are. Show me some proof." So Monet shows up any one of his famous, beautiful paintings, and, convinced, St. Peter says, "Oh, Mr. Monet! Come right in."

The second guy walks up. St. Peter says, "Hello, and who might you be?" The guy says, "I'm Beethoven." And St. Peter says, "Well, to let you in to Heaven, I have to be sure that you are who you say you are. Show me some proof." So right there Beethoven plays one of his symphonies on the piano, and, convinced, St. Peter says, "Oh, Mr. Beethoven! Come right in."

Finally, the third guy walks up. St. Peter says, "Hello, and who might you be?" The guy says, "I'm President Bush." And St. Peter says, "Well, to let you in to Heaven, I have to be sure that you are who you say you are. Show me some proof. You know, like, Monet showed me a painting, Beethoven played a symphony. ..." And Bush says, "Monet? Beethoven? Who are they?!" And St. Peter says, "Oh, President Bush! Come right in."


I loved the cow jokes.
The Russian business one is accurate.
Some guys once wrote a book on learning English while drunk. It included commonly used english phrases such as "may I shake your crab." In the newspaper today I read about a blind guy caught driving drunk for the second time. There were people in the back of the car telling him which way to turn.
This is all true.

Peter S. Conrad

Q: What is the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean?

A: No guy would pay to have a garbanzo bean on him.


Whaddya call a Pakistani Pro$titute in france


Dawn Passaro

If your canoe gets a flat tire while rowing up a tree, how many pancakes does it take to get to the moon?
Yellow because snakes don't have any legs.

It doesn't make any sense, but I find it hilarious.


my brother gave me his website for his game runescape. i turned it into a buissness site check it out at

john ronald

I started a web site totally dedicated to helping you with all your buissness needs its called


An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000, the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon." Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account!" "I know, said the old man, but just let me tell you about my weekend!" Best to ya Scott :^)


A man was having an affair with a married woman. When her husband had gone to work, her secret lover came 'round. Just as they got down to business, the door bell went. The woman went and peered out of the curtains to see who it was.
"Oh no, it's my husband, he must have forgotten something."

The woman went downstairs, and the man jumped out of the window before he was seen. He was totally starkers, so hid behind a bush. About an hour later, a nudist group ran by, doing a marathon. He quickly jumped up, and joined them.

After a while, he got talking to one of them, "So how long have you been a nudist?" a man asked him.

"Not long" he replied "what about that?" the other man said to him, pointing to the condom the man was wearing.

"Oh, it was raining when I came out" the man replied.


It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet. Why don't you have a seat?,"

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

"Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it!" Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby — so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat himself.

"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: ''Dad, it's called the twist!''


The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, ''I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ''Good morning, madam. You don't know me but I've come to....''

''Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,'' Mrs. Smith cut in.

''Really ?'' the photographer asked. ''Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies.''

''That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?'' asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

''Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.''

''Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me.''

''Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.''

''I hope we can get this over with quickly,'' gasped Mrs. Smith.

''Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.''

''Don't I know!'' Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ''This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.''

''Oh my god!!'', Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

''And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'' The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
''She was difficult ?'' asked Mrs. Smith.
''Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.''

''Four and five deep?'' asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

''Yes,'' the photographer said.

''And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.'' Mrs. Smith leaned forward.

''You mean they actually chewed on your, ?''

''That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.''

''Tripod??'', Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

''Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam ? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!''


Probably well known but still one of my favorites. Sorry for the late posting.

A married couple went to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out.

They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

Mark V.

A Steelers fan, a Browns fan and a Titans fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!

However, with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Titans fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Titans fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

The Browns fan was next up (he almost finished an entire fifth by himself), and after watching the scene, said "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Browns fan out crying like a little girl.

The Steelers fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said, "You support the greatest team in the world, your team has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!" "Thanks, your most Royal highness," the Steelers fan replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.

"Tie the Browns fan to my back."

Mark from Pittsburgh

Q. What do you call a Cleveland Brown with a Super Bowl ring?
A. A thief

Q. Why doesn't Columbus, Ohio have a professional football team?
A. Because then Cleveland would want one.


One Friday, two women were sitting and talking. One woman looked up and saw her husband coming down the street with a bunch of flowers in his hand.
She rolled her eyes and said, “There comes the asshole with flowers in his hand. Now he'll expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air.”

Her friend promptly replied, “Don't you have a vase?”


A woman has a very insistent cough. So she goes to the doctor who gives her the strongest laxative on the market. She asked him somehow mystified: "And this helps?" And he answered: "Definitely, just try to cough now..."


what do you call a prostitute with a cold?



what's brown and sticky

a stick


Bob Builder

I saw a condom machine recently, with "easy-on" printed on the side.

Surely they mean "hard-on"...?


A guy read that the local newspaper was holding a joke writing contest. He wrote 10 puns and sent them in, hoping that one of them would win a prize. But alas, no pun in ten did.


Here`s a religious joke - no offense intended (<- that`s not the joke ;-) )

The Devil visits St. Peter and asks for a soccer match heaven vs. hell. St. Peter says "Do you really think you have the slightest chance? We got all the stars here in heaven: Maradonna, Beckenbauer, Pele, etc."

Devil smiles :"Well, we have all the referees..."


Did you hear the one about the nuclear powered vacuum?
It really sucks.

Did you hear the one about the nuclear powered kickboxer?
It kicks ass.

Did you hear the one about the nuclear powered fridge?
Its cool.

Did you hear the one about the nuclear powered leafblower?
It blows.

Did you hear the one about the nuclear powered tree?
It's gnarly.


I had a friend whose dad waa a doctor. He used to tell us that instead of telling his female patients to pread their legs he told them to part their knees.


Why do women fake orgasms?

Because they think men care.


Q: What does it mean when you have one big green ball in each hand?

A: You have complete control of the Jolly Green Giant.

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