Rounders Vs. Accumulators

Most people have at least a few big problems in their life. But the vast majority of life’s problems are the little kind. There are two ways to deal with the little problems.

ROUNDERS: This group rounds things off. A problem that’s a two on a scale of one to ten gets rounded to zero. If a rounder has five problems that are all about a two on a scale of one to ten, he’ll tell you he has no problems.

ACCUMULATORS: Accumulators add up all the little problems until they equal one big problem. If an accumulator has five problems that are each a two on a scale of one to ten, that feels like having one problem that’s a ten.

Rounders are generally happy, because they perceive their lives to be mostly problem-free. Accumulators are often miserable because “nothing is going right.”

Readers of this blog will recognize this as closely related to the 80-20 rule about a job well done. Rounders are pleased with a job that’s 80% right because that rounds to 100%. Accumulators take the 20% that’s wrong and add it to the other things that are wrong and suddenly their world is falling apart.

Experts say there are many forms of intelligence: verbal, spatial, musical, kinesthetic, artistic, emotional, etc. I don’t know if there’s a separate category for rounding versus accumulating, but there should be. Or maybe it is part of the larger category of simply knowing what is important and what isn’t.

I’ve often said I have only one special skill. I can look at complicated situations and pluck out the thing that matters. That’s the secret to good writing and good comics. I’ll give you an example. Yesterday I was creating a Dilbert comic that will run in August. In the first panel, Dogbert needed to describe his job as VP of marketing. How do you do that in the fewest words? Here was my solution.

Click it to expand.

Clearly that would never get published, so I ended up changing turd to road kill. It’s not nearly as funny, but life is compromise.

Your assignment for today is to describe your own job in one sentence, preferably in a humorously derogatory way.

Go.

Comments

[Qrawzseg]

i deal with extreme stupidity on a daily basis: HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT

[Jacki]

I work for a Nobel Peace Prize winner. And, yes, it gets Dilberty around here, too.

[Lis]

My job is to do things that people are too lazy to do themselves.

I work for a county government office in economic development. Basically, people ask me questions about the county and I research it for them. Sometimes I make maps.

[Lytle]

My job is to be as aggressively unhelpful as possible. (Guest Service Rep.)

[Articles Submission]

Nice informative article. thanks for sharing and keep sharing such kind of articles, as these articles really helpful for experienced and new comers.

[tebasile]

My job is to sacrifice my individuality to the system for the purpose of completing a series of idiotic exams.

I'm an English student doing GCSEs, and I'm also an artist. Keep up the good work. =)

[Unome]

Right now, my job is to look as nice as I possibly can ( a difficult task at best!) and be a good girl and also to make silly jokes and also, last but not least, to wish everybody that the festive spirit is alive in some measure!

For the first time ever, I have actually done a lil marketing myself! (Marketing the festive spirit to those who prolly know what that means! (I don't!;-))

[Dustfinger]

Be kept awake to learn inane things only to forget them when I finally get to sleep.

- Student

[Shaka]

I engage in semi-insane religious rituals, alienate myself from populr culture, develop cynical views of education and other religions, debate with fanatical peers, and go to bed understanding that I am no closer to self-relaisation than I was yesterday.
I am a hare krishna, my job is to preach.

[Jeremy]

I am a Programmer.
I work on an old system that has had many programmers working on it over the decades.
It works okay as long as you dont fuck with it.
Its my job to fuck with it.

[Ian]

I spend 5 hours a day listening to people i don't like talk about things i don't like so that i can get a job i don't like, and one hour a day eating a sandwich.

[Dan]

I rip off male origins. -- Corn Detasseler!

[Alice]

I count turds.... all day long

aka accountant!

[Andrew G.R.]

i'm a gnat magnet.

[Josef K]

I'm little more than furniture.

[Robert]

I digest different components and deliver them as turds to be sent through the air.

Warehouse Operative for a large airline.

[threecollie]

Each morning before dawn we walk to our place of business, prepare breakfast for the employees and invite them inside to consume it. When they enter we lock them up by their necks, wash a certain portion of each ones anatomy and proceed to use expensive, high-tech equipment, (which includes rubber hoses), to remove certain valuable bodily fluids. The fluid thus obtained is piped to a clean room where it is chilled and kept at a low temperature until picked up by a bulk tank truck every second day. We then spray the employees' certain body parts with disinfectant, spritz a little fly repellent on their backs and let them out into a grassy, fenced compound for eight or nine hours. Then we do it all again.
Oh, we run a dairy farm and the (bovine) employees are quite fond of us as we sre of them them.

[E]

I look at really old turds, then describe them to see if any crap can be squeezed out so you can pay too much for said crap...petroleum geologist

[Sarah]

I listen to members complain why their turds cost so much at the pharmacy, advise the quantity and type kind of turd benefits they have without telling them that their turds are bad because the members are cheap and so is the insurance company.

[drue]

I extinguish turds

fire dept

[TPRJones]

I look at how other people polish their turds and then design tools to help them polish them faster and with less effort.

[TasTigger]

My job is collecting frogs in a wheelbarrow
= Project Coordinator

[Mark]

I put junk in people's mail boxes then go to class to learn what material is best for holding what type of turd. (mailman/packaging science student)

[Dean]

I unscramble eggs - System administrator.

[Jeremy]

I am a high school student. I learn about various topics, so that I can get into a good university, study for 8 more years, get a good job, and then work for 40 years so that I can retire well.
And people wonder why teenagers are ... whatever you adults think teenagers are these days.

[Mark]

I read things that don't matter, then write papers saying they do matter, for points that don't matter, in order to get a job doing something totally unrelated. (student)

[Hidius]

I manufacture edible turds.

(I make sausage links by hand.)

[Paretooptimal]

Expert witness: My job is to convince others that the only logical way of analyzing that turd, is my way.

[Paul S]

I solve story problems. (User interface designer.) Sorry, no turds here but I *do* eat a lot of fiber.

How is designing interfaces like solving story problems?

http://axoplasm.blogspot.com/2006/06/story-problems.html

[bradmaas]

I drop a turd, then someone notices it after a few months so I go find another place to unload myself for a higher rate (hey, turd experience is valuable!)

[Mike]

"I jiggle the handle of Corporate Banking"

I don't even remember what my title is or the job description from when I was hired. I get a warm fuzzy feeling every time a moron is hired above me.

[Kelly]

Admin. Assistant: To read people's minds, and to run the department while everyone else makes more money and leaves me out of the fun things I plan.

[Johnny Dev]

I make sure turds are well-formed.

(XML programmer)

[Anita]

I am everybody's butt-monkey. (Receptionist)

I have also been slowly trying to reorganise the business so it makes sense (above and beyond the call of duty). Half the people I work with are psychologists, which means they know next to nothing about how to deal with people. I, being a mathematician at heart, for some reason am better at this.

[Minimal]

I babysit a computer program I wrote 2 years ago, and pretend errors that occur are down to 'Bad Data'.

[Aquila]

My work is to be disappointed with the human race and drink a lot of whisky when I'm home. A restart will fix it.

IT Helpdesk

[Paul Pichugin]

I take photos of turds, then polish the turds in photoshop..

I'm a photographer.. primarily a wedding photographer ;-)

[d]

I take numbers on pieces of paper, rearrange them and put them on different pieces of paper.

(Tax Accountant)

[Gavin]

I build fecking big sawmills in Russia, *despite* working for a large company with a consensus based decision making policy...

(Avoiding the turd reference) - DOH!

[Amdillae]

I am told but a person who knows I can't create turds, to create a turd for a group that had no idea how a turd is meant to function.

I am a poorly trained student web designer.

[Walt]

I explain big words to sales people and then cower before customers and try to convince them that the sales person really didn't say the bull-turd that they thought he did.

(I am a Customer Solutions Engineer)

[Trotta]

I produce the same virtual turds everyday, only changing colors to make 'em seem different. I'm a web designer.

[Caitlin]

I launch turds into the air...line industry.

I hire pilots.

[Andrea]

I clean up turds from an animal that makes more money then me in a year.

(assistant horse trainer)

[obviouslynotworking]

I listen to the turd, ask it how it feels, encourage it to process through the traumatic experience of being catapulted out of and raised by an even stinkier turd.

I am a therapist.

[Mark]

I feel compelled to add another description of what I do most of the year.

I try to learn laws created a long time ago so later I can tell engineers why I'm smarter than they are, and why its a travesty that they get paid more.

I'm a physics major.

[Rod]

I move turd around from one company to another.

Headhunter.

[Dave]

It's my job to use a metaphorical plunger to help turds fix their internet connection.

ISP tech support.

[Wayne]

Aren't my marshmellows delicious? Sorry, I just ran out of white paint.

[Mark]

Just recently finished this job, but I'll give it a shot anyway.

My job was to show you innovative ways to literally burn money in the spirit of patriotism.

Fireworks stand manager.

[Rich C]

It is my job to do basic math for people to stupid to balance or use a check register. (Telephone Banker)

[nwest]

I take ideas for turds, and turn them into real turds.

Game programmer.

[Adam R]

Oh, finally a blog on this vexed subject! I have long faced this problem of aptly describing my job, whether to girls or just to normal people. I usually make the description neither concise nor intelligible, let alone witty! So here's my first stab:

"I try to make markets work freely by constantly intervening in them."

(Economist for regulator/competition authority, e.g. FTC)

[Giles O'Donovan]

My job is to try and persuade hard working turds to part with their cash in exchange for large amouns of alcohol. I am a part time barman.

[Deirdre F]

I am a government turd with the thankless task of attempting to keep all the other government turds honest.

I am a Financial Auditor for my state.

[Dan W.]

My job is to perpetuate our salespeoples' lies.

[Blackfox]

I write the code that makes sure we get paid for all the porn that Europeans download from our sites to their cell phones. I know what you're thinking: "Who in their right mind would want porn on their cell phones?" Obvious answer: "Just about everyone."

[billy]

I am a dyslexic, so I handle statistics; I am a history major, so I manage our website, desktop publishing and graphics manipulation; I tell people not to go into forest fires (four months a year); I give tours to people who already know it all (and don't); I try to explain that the reason the historic structures are going to hell in a handbasket is because we have no money; I am routinely abused.

I am, in short, a Park Ranger!

[Joe-Joe Junior Shabadoo]

I build turd 2.0 and convince customers it's better than turd 1.0.

since reading this i've been telling myself "Round down" every time something little starts bothering me(i.e. i place myself in the accumulator category). of course it's only been a few days but i notice a difference!

[Kim]

I'm a turd-herder, herding turds for turd powwows to generate more meetings for a turd-herding loop.

Secretary to the boss

[schelf]

I save the ungrateful taxpaying turds money by moving turds off of expensive fibre and wire and fling them through air.

Wireless specialist

[Leif]

My job is to repackage the turd as a steaming hot "meatloaf and your choice of vegetables" dinner to people who don't seem to notice the difference.

Newspaper editor.

[Ryan]

I write software to show how much money we save so we can use that to justify canceling anything that saves money.

[DaBoss]

I help people lie consistently to management.

Business Intelligence Consultant

[The Ape]

I am a button-monkey.

I work in IT, and my job is to reboot computers that spontaneously work when you do, and fail when you don't.

For the record, I hate my job. The only saving grace is that people think I'm good with computers, and I can leverage this falsehood into a strong God-complex.

Now if you'll excuse me, I must return to my peons.

[Isabel]

It´s my job to tell people how faaaantastic the turd looks on them.

I´m a sales assistant in a clothes shop

[Anand]

I google, Ctrl+C and Ctrl+V!!!

I'm an analyst with an IT services organization!!!

[Veda]

I take bullshit from dumbasses and bullshit other dumbasses into believing that it's not bullshit.

I work in advertising.

[MikeBert in Phoenix]

My job is to invisibly be everything to everyone.

[Ullas]

Write, proofread and edit so my editor can read The Dilbert Blog :P

[Steve Styrus]

architecture student - it's my job to produce plans, elevations, sections and a model of a turd, integrate structure, then convince my tutors of its conceptual brilliance.

[Slave]

Social Worker:

My job is to provide quality of life for my clients by saving from and/or schmoozing the gov't programs that could help/hurt them, while enduring the stress of 10 jobs, working with the budget of a lemonade stand, and getting paid chicken feet.

[Dave :^)]

It's my job to design turds that stop turds from stealing turds from other turds. Security Systems Designer.

[Adam]

I support turds who support end user turds so that they can fart into their phones all day.
I'm a Mobile Phone Technician!

[61north]

For each project, I spend two years writing hypothetical reports that no one reads about nonexistent facilities that will never get built for a client that doesn't care.

Really gives me that warm fuzzy feeling inside that I'm making a difference in the world.

BTW, I'm an planning consultant under contract to the government.

[ant723]

I would, but you did it for me in a previous comic. "Shut up and reboot".

[Ray]

I get paid for what I do when the shit hits the fan. Being lazy, I make sure that seldom happens. I certainly don't get paid for what I do on a daily basis - tell management and users they are idiots (but so politely they don't hear me).

[JP]

My job is to take turds of Design and make them into real life turds, despite the fact that I've already identified them as turds that will never make it to gold master.

I am a video game programmer.

[Scott]

I take some idiot's (graphic designer) turd delusion and make it a turd reality for the purpose of allowing the moist robots to interface with the Hive-Mind and then I fix the turd when the idiot moist robots do something completely retarded and break their intreface and start to squawk about it.

In other words, I'm a Web Developer. All will become one with the Hive-Mind! :P

[Jason Marmur]

It's my job to not stab Program Managers

(Systems Engineer)

[olie]

Wow 600+ comments -- this is almost as good as the restaurant thing :)

Scott said: "I’ve often said I have only one special skill. I can look at complicated situations and pluck out the thing that matters."

I just wanted to comment that people who are really gifted in this area amaze me. It's a skill that I struggle with and have some successes, some times (heh, or do I just accumulate my failures? ;), but when I see someone who can do this consistently, I always envy them.

Blog request: notes on how to develop that skill.

Oh, job description: I've always used (on my business cards) "Janitor to the gods", in reference to cleaning up the messes left behind by various levels of prima-dona.

Shrink said "Psychotherapist: It's my job to bullshit people into thinking what they're thinking is bullshit."

Mrs. Olie, who is a psychotherapist describes her job as "when I was in sales, they paid me to lie to people. Now I get paid to tell people ''you're lying''".

[SMAX]

I read the dilbert blog and act like I'm coding when my boss walks in.

[MM]

My job is to take the smelly farts and create really big stinky turds out of them while making it all smell like roses for people who have poop for brains.

Computer Consultant/Manager/Programmer/Analyst/QA/...

[1969iggy]

I help produce turds better, faster and cheaper.

Lean Six Sigma Baby!

[Scott]

It's my job to organize various cluster-fucks and make them work.

[UniGuy]

I copy and paste the Internet.

Student.

[SearchingForTheExit]

Hi Scott,

My job is 10% productive and 90% reporting our team's low production to management.

[Chris]

It's my job to fabricate documents that include long words and subtle references to my apparent brilliance, therefore justify my pitiful salary.

[HeavyJ]

I'm handed the stinkiest turd around and asked to convert it into some sort of sweet smelling, business-oriented aphrodisiac (ie make our customers love us!).

aka: marketing.

[Kev]

I take field turds and put them in everything you eat.

(Chem Engineer)

[Poor me]

It's my job to make people feel better about their jobs.

I'm a contractor who sits on the corner of two high-traffic aisle and is working on a this-needs-done-some-day-but-no-one-wants-to-do-it-because-it-is-so-repetitive,-tedious,-and-mind-numbing-and-will-take-forever project.

At least since no one else is doing it and I have developed my own method of documenting everything it would be very hard for someone else to pick up right where I left off. I created my own job security.

[Drew Thaler]

It's my job to cram as much stuff as possible through a tiny hole.

[john t unger]

I'm a professional artist, so basically I get paid to be me. Sweet gig.

I'm also available for impossibility remediation. If it can't be done, I'm on it. You'd be surprised how many impossible things aren't.

[WATYF]

It's my job to write programs so people can avoid work.

WATYF

[PK]

@The person who compared Calvin & Hobbes with Dilebrt.
Just because Dilbert doesnt quite match up doesnt mean anything. I mean there are hardly any strip that could measure up to that level of genius.
Dilbert is very good in its own right and it doesnt make sense comparing them.

[PK]

Trying to make the sense of the shit the central bank(in India its RBI) throws at us in form of monetary policy. Believe me its really shit!!!!
Am a bond trader

[Timbo]

I explain what would happen if you were to put a turd on a ramp
High school physics teacher

[The Intern]

I deal with the loose turds that my superiors don't want to touch...I clean up diarrhea. I am an intern.

What's more, I turn turds and/or diarrhea into news. I work for a PR Agency.

[Shigeru Miyamoto]

My job is to develop a turd, who happens to be wearing dungarees and a red cap with an "M" on.

[Claire]

i recieve turds via email, sift thru them to find the best looking turds, interview the turds, write nice things about the turds to get them more money in their new turd-jobs...

Recruitment Consultant

[charlie]

I use fancy software that makes a virtual model of a turd to tell the idiots designing the turds how much abuse their turds can take before they smear all over their hands and they have to poop another one... and then I make recommendations to make the next turds more smear resistant.

...I'm a mechanical analyst.

[James]

Business Analyst for a government agency. I spend a great deal of time explaining to senior people what the decision they have just made actually means.

[anon]

I dig trenches in gravel, then bury semiprecious stones in the gravel, then help children dig up said gems, and repeat (Summer Job). In my free time, I seek out and destroy unwanted OEM copies of Windows Vista (Amateur Geek) and write a semi-regular webcomic currently on a summer hiatus (Amateur Cartoonist). I go to college to learn how to fabricate entertainment by capturing images of overpaid egos acting out scripts they secretly disdain (Video Major).

[Zzyzxmo]

My job is to tell the gov't when the Con-tractor try's to sell the gov't the wrong turd.

[KE]

I get paid to teach your kids enough to complain, but not enough to make a difference.

(College teacher)

[pboedker]

I work with the web. Well, it doesn't surf itself, does it?

[Leon]

I am an internal consultant (at least according to the last orga-chart), tasked with disecting the turd (process analisys), re-shitting the turd (flow improvement) followed by selling the new-improved turd to upper management, defend the turd (selling it to the working level)and finaly giving the turd tou our IT who ineveitably turns a well meaning turd into montenzuma's revenge (our IT is renouned for claiming that this e-commerce thing will go away)

[Daniel]

I correct the mistakes of the over-confident incompetents.

[Hade]

I 'm a student.

It 's my job to believingly convince other people that I agree with them, but not too much.

[Ryan]

I pass poisonous gas on command.

(Research assistant in solid state ammonia storage)

[S@ns S@nity]

I am the lowest level manager in my company, 2 years out of B-school...

So my job is :Chief peon to upper gods..

If I were to use a turd reference, that would make my job :Cleaning the turd that upper gods keep dumping

[Karthick]

Working in IT. Taking the boss as the Turd.

I work Off the Turd, by the turd and for the turd.

hmph :-|

[effini]

repoop the turd at least 3 times, in every way possible, to determine whether the turd meets/matches expectations.

[ming]

i design websites using photoshop and microsoft messenger
(that's funny.)

[Marc]

I tell people their turds stink, then tell them how to make better turds.

In other words, I'm a consultant

[Hugo]

My job is to make people who are already filthy rich somewhat richer, by dupping poor people into bying stuff they don't need.

I'm a software engineer in a big company.

[John]

I guess I'm my boss's underwear since I spend all my time covering his ass.

Copy-Print Tech/Customer Service Rep till the second I graduate from college and no longer need the pennies.

[TS]

>Rounders are pleased with a job that’s 80% right because that rounds to 100%.

I guess that's the reason, why most Calvin and Hobbes strips are great while only a few Dilbert strips are really good.
It seems that Watterson put a lot more effort into it.

[Nin]

My job is to fix developers appointment with his manager, for firingi.e. i am a tester.. be-aware..! :)

[Kevin Gibbs]

I just try to keep my companies turd floating in the bowl whilst customers keep pissing on me with their incompetence.. (Network Communications technician)

[reeverse]

It's my job to draw crown turds so they can be rented out

I draw property plans for crown land (including boarders for mining and farming leases)

fyi in this situation "crown" means something that belongs to australia thus essentially the queen of england.. hence crown.

[Ben]

Scott your job is to make people with horrible jobs think their situation is funny.

[Jnny]

I design lightweight, precise turds to survive a trip through the harshest toilet flush, with enough layers of paint that the customer will never catch a whiff of the stink.
(Spacecraft component engineer)
(The paint usually costs more than the turd.)

[videhi]

Write scrap about scrap on my SME's grace in the name of technology(Tech writer).

[Bruce]

My Job is to get to people to crap faster.

[Art]

My job is to put ten pounds of turds into five pound bags.

[Shen]

I work overseas. My title is Network Defender, but what I really do is wait until someone breaks a piece of my network for which I open a ticket, notify them that runs that peice of my network that it's broken (if they didn't know already), notify them that knows how to fix it, track everything they're all doing in my ticket, and get yelled at by the turds state side who can't remember that it's mostly night time here when they're awake, their emergencies are not mine, and them that runs and fixes it have to sleep sometime.

Please just give me my red shirt and shoot me already!

[Mr Mark]

I make people prove they are worthy to get money from me to buy turds, then I tell them they have to insure the turd, pay taxes on the turd, and pay me back twice as much for the turd, and they thank me for it.

[Wendy In Philly]

I make words look pretty so turds all over the world can learn English. (Textbook designer)

by the way Jane...I hate "Electroneurodiagnostic Technologists" people like you hurt me!

[Natalie Schladetsch]

My job is to take the horrible lumpy enormous turd, pick out all the peas, corn and other painful bits, smooth it down, rearrange it and mould it into a nice trim comfortable turd that is easy to poop.

I'm an editor.

[Jez]

Today my work involved getting steamy in the bedroom, stripping and getting wood, naturally. Tomorrow I'm going to fill my employer's large crack. I don't often do this sort of thing. I'm a Saggitarius.

[Netminder]

As an IT security consultant I spend my day trying to get clients to turn off - or cover up - the fans before the turds hit them. Of course they usually wait until AFTER the stinky stuff hits the whirly thing & are then stunned to be splattered.

BTW - I'm a rounder when x>5 and an accumulator when x<5 I assume it comes with the job.

[eclecticdog]

I pull turds from shits that don't want to crap, then produce a turd for shits that don't want to look at it (tech writer).

[Jack Heath]

I find as many synonyms for "explosion" as possible.

(Novelist for teenage boys)

[John]

My job is to help those that generate the turd to learn how to avoid turd generation in the future all the while cleaning turds out of the bowl AND monitoring the destructive little midgets.

I do IT support a high school.

[Brian McKee]

A little late but:

I figure out the voodoo necessary to get software turds to let me design functional hardware turds in half the time it should take.

(Digital Design Engineer)

Hi Ho! Its Mr. Hankie!

[Jim]

I am a carpenter for the, " If You Have to Ask, You Can't Afford It" remodeling company. If it weren't for people having more money than brains I wouldn't have a job. I know; two sentences but I'm pretty sure you're a customer that won't mind.

[AngryLabRat]

My job is as head lackey. I head my area, but I lack the keys.

[Felipe Dex]

I help people get richer(it would be more noble if they weren't rich alredy) by investing their money in ways that they'll never understand. But as long as its working, they don't give a crap!

Hedge Fund Analyst

[adora]

So there are already a few architects...

It's my job to use hypnosis to maximize clients' imagination when presented with our turds on blueprints.

[shihchiun]

I'm high school graduate. My latest assignment involved convincing a university that I am worthy enough to pay them lots and lots of money.

[Tigerh8r]

I supervise the guys and gals who try to protect the good poeple from the turds, only to be hated by the good people AND the turds.

Police Sergeant

[ianbee]

I move sick babies that are born in the wrong hospital to the right hospital so they can get better, then I move them back again.

[OJ]

I take my coworker's turds, make them look as non-turdish as possible, then cop turd when the management turds realise that the turd is actually a turd!

[stu]

I make corporate propaganda feel like folksy truthisms. (TV ad director)

[Marc Mengel]

I trick computer programs into doing what people actually want them to do, when doing what the people were doing doesn't work.

[Ann]

It's my job to explain the sublime turd. (Professor of British Romanticism)

[SlowMovingTarget]

I am the proverbial fan.

[sodajerk]

i work for welfare.
i try to help folk through the myriad of pitfalls that my pointy haired bosses have laid for them.

i treat people as i would hope to be treated myself if i was in a similar situation,i have been in the past.

so if somebody decides to be an ass.........well you can guess where their claims go in the queue.

[Matt]

Director of Mirth: Antics Division

[Caroline]

Its my job to write the Owner's Manual on how to use the turd effectively.

No one ever reads it either.

~Disgruntled Technical Diddley writer

[Jorrath Zek]

Database Programmer for Building Automation Systems -> I get blame for smell coming off of the lowest bidder's crap.

[Andrew]

Sit in front of a computer and pretend to work.

Automotive Design Engineer.

[larry horowitz]

My job is to create virtual life. I first create small objects that know only themselves. Then I create object companions that they can talk to. Then I create the rules of the universe in which they live. Then I encourage them to cooperate with each other and join together to create larger and more complex organisms. I am a software developer.

[Chrono180]

I make food that is about as heathly as turds (dairy queen employee ).

[Ubu Walker]

Regulatory Consultant: I help find the turds that companies have buried, and then tell them that they have a turd.

[Joe]

To follow behind the elephants in this parade to clean up their mess with a shovel that is too small for the job.

[Snicks]

Waste Recycling, Promotion & Sales

(Antiques dealer)

[Solusike]

I write words that no one wants to read.

I write documentation for software.

[The Tree]

I can't reveal my profession, but here is my sentence though:

My job is to kill people just a little bit inside several times a week while ignoring people with problems.

The reason I can't reveal my job is because it might jeopardize the entire profession, and make everyone greedy as myself lose our jobs. But all the pieces are there, so if you are cleaver enough, you will probably figure it out.

And I hope your secretary won't unschedule our appointment next week.

[ravantra]

I design the turds that people live and work in and design them in such a way that they are cheap for the developer to build and appear as un-turd like as possible to sell them to the masses....I'm an Architect

[Happy Swede]

I drink coffee and ride a lot in the elevator.

I'm a software consultant.

[Katrina]

My job is simple; I sit in an office in front of a computer, occassionally escaping to deal with a total cluster f*** of tards trying to accomplish a simple task, usually taking the most difficult route to finish their task because they do things how they were taught and do not apply common sense, then I return to my desk to sit and read about people who are generally in far off places and try to predict what they will do, it is rare that anyone in my job is accurate, since people are relatively unpredictable, but it really doesn't matter, since I get paid weather I do work or not (although I do enjoy working actually) because your fine government pays me contractually rather than by how much work I actually do!

(is that one sentence.... no... it is definately a run on, but I think it hits the head on the nail... although it isn't funny... more like kind of sad)

[John Simmons]

Scatologically, my job is to keep the turd swirling in the bowl.

I am a software support analyst. Thus, my job is to keep already unhappy users at least happy enough that they keep using our product...

[Lazy Boy]

I'm in customer service, so essentially my job is to round accumulator's issues.

Lazy Boy

[Dan]

I'm an over-educated MBA who's stuck being the senior software developer at the world's oldest (and mostly dysfunctional) start-up. My job is to keep the new turds and all the turds created over the last 10 years from clogging up the toilet.

[RPK]

Another Software Developer here. My job is to ignore what the users say they want and give them what they need.

[pand0ra]

Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
And
Someone who solves a problem you did not know you had in a way you don't understand with much consternation.

[Auditor]

[Kim]

My job is to decide if people are healthy enough for us to get any money out of them before they die.

[Macgiver]

I tell people how to turd properly, so you can make sure turd is functional after some years, and it's easy to add or modify that turd. Not to mention that I tell that because I have experience in creating turds as well.

(Application Developer Lead)

[DD]

Process Specialist: my job is to find fault - and then everybody says I'm negative

[FlyingFish]

Software Quality Assurance: I wash off the spray paint and remind the programmers that they still tried to hand the customer a turd (and a wet one, at that).

[MC]

I'm a management consultant. I'll tell you what I do if you pay me a million dollars, supply me with data about what I do, and assign to my command a team of your company's top people who will analyze the data and put it into PowerPoint.

Or you could just look at yesterday's Dilbert strip.

[Sandy]

My job is to squeak like the mouse and hoot like the owl!

I work for an outsourcer and have to deal with people on east coast and also half a way across the globe, on a daily basis.

[Ben]

Most of my jobs have boiled down to: maintaining computers and helping people use them to produce presentations or instructional materials.

Put another way, I help others make turds.

I am laxative.

[Custard]

I used to electrocute children, then teach them to build nuclear weapons.

[ny]

My job goes by fighting sleep and furtive glances at the wrist watch wondering "Is it 5:30 yet?"

[Diana W]

I used to be a Manufacturing Engineer, which would make me the ExLax in the turd production process. Sure, the Design Engineers got the glory for creating the turd, but without me to make sure the line went smoothly, nothing would ever come out the other end.

[Gandalf]

Business Analyst (Energy and Telecom) - I sell gas.

[emily sonntag]

I take a stack of road kill and label it "Road Kill 2007- ##." Then I put the road kill into individual sorted folders and move it around in different little stacks of road kill: A to B to A to C to A to D to A.

-accounting assistant

[Marco]

Relationship Management: I turn turds into gold.

[Daniel]

My job is to tell you what the turd does (tech writing), tell you why you want the turd (marketing), and then fix the turd when it breaks (support), all without the slightest understanding of how the turd works (English degree).

I'm also a freelance music critic.

[VMBerns]

I'm a student, so I guess my "job" is best summed up as examining other people's turds, thinking about them, and then doing my best to recreate them.

[Jim]

I store and retrieve turds, so that the entire world can move their turds from point A to point B.

I'm a Database Administrator (Storing and retrieving turds of data) for Fedex (moving turds (packages) all round the world).

[Heather]

I watch my co-worker sleep and look at baby pictures online.

[Karl H.]

I cram elephants into matchboxes. (I develop cell phone versions of my company's line of computer games.)

[kal]

My job is to make people disappear.

[Ric]

As a Product Manager: I define the requirements of the turd and tell Dogbert what color to spray it.

[shankar]

My job is to write detailed instructions to help other people spray paint turd, and then do it myself anyway, since they can't identify which is the turd and which is the spray paint. (Outsourcing coordinator)

[Cube Critter]

i'm the bottleneck in the turd-flow

[Vis Major]

HR-speak title: Global Application Development Manager

Actual title: Professional Cat Herder

[Lucas]

Bemopolis:
>>It's my job to take an unintelligible mess and turn it into something a retarded marmoset could follow (I'm a technical writer).

>Me, too - but I'm a high school chemistry teacher.

Its my job to confuse the marmosets by showing them the Chemistry teacher was wrong - I teach high school physics. Oh, and I laugh a lot and make sparks while I'm doing it.

[Thomas]

People come into my office and throw up on me, and after thanking them I either pull out a rubber stamp or try to get everyone to join together in singing kum by yah.

Ombudsperson.

[Grump]

My job is work in a real old turd app and keep the turd intact. Can't wait to flush it down and have update turd to turd along.

[Michelle]

I convert oxygen into carbon dioxide since no one trusts me enough to give me real work. (I'm an engineering intern.)

[Shawn]

I tell forty year old men it's okay to behave like fourteen year old school girls.

I'm a production coordinator at a printing press. Surprisingly, we get a lot more work done this way. I'm not 100% sure why, although I have a some of theories.

[Jayelle]

I have 3 more years to go before I succumb to a life of picking turd out of pits and fissures and patching holes no thanks to the effects of turd...my dad reckons that my area of work is probably the smallest in the world. He forgot that gynaes are in existence. :)

[Trish]

I provide arcane information on a need-to-know basis.

Chief Accountant

[Turil]

My job? Enjoying being myself, I guess. I'm not all that great at it yet, but with a bit of practice, I'm hoping I'll get there. And when I get do finally get there, I imagine I'll start earning a living at it, too, which I will definitely enjoy.

[latsot]

I am in charge of a research group. I cannot imagine a better job.

[InkyDink]

I save people from their idiocy, so they can do all the fun and exciting things listed here, by putting out blazing turds (volunteer firefighter/EMT).

[minister of silly walks]

My job is pretty much the same, except I use a roller instead of a spray gun.

[Sparky]

Electrical Utility Engineer: My job is to make all of your turds shiny when it's dark out.

[matt m]

Bill more than the minimum number of hours per month, but in such a way as to be allowed to do the same next month, and next month, etc.

[InkyDink]

My job is to interpret the law and the facts in a manner that doesn't make either side so happy that the other side thinks they've been screwed enough to appeal to a higher court. And to write it in a manner that makes it seem that no other result could even be contemplated by a reasonable person (or an appellate court), even though in actuality sixteen other results were equally feasible and some might even have made more sense. And then, to let my boss take credit for everything I do.

On a really good day, once every few years, I get to actually give someone something they deserve, and/or take away something that someone doesn't deserve. That's fun.

Law Clerk for Civil Judge

[Forgottennotgone]

I'm a scapegoat.

I have all of the responsibility for making good decisions, given none of the authority to have those decisions carried out. So, when the idiots above me go against my decision, I get the joy of having all the blame put on me when things don't work out.

Of course, if things do work out, those same idiots get all the credit.

[Dotti]

In the middle of a penis envy sandwich!

[Jabba]

I save the City of New York millions by paying out billions.

[Dan]

Test Engineer:
Its my job to make sure the test will pass the turd.

[gerald b]

I'm a rope cutter. One end of the rope is noose around a neck. The other end is tied to a strong board. I try to cut the rope before the hanging. Capital habeas attorney.

[Tom]

I shepherd clients through the process of setting their products on fire.

(not kidding, I do fire testing on consumer products)

[Daniel M.]

Human Resources Manager: Responsible for babysitting; changing diapers, making sure the kids don't hurt each other's feelings, hit, bite, and/or spit on each other, and generally keep everyone entertained for eight hours each day.

[Brett]

I'm a turd sculptor - aka maintenance programmer.

[The Dude]

My job can basically be summed up in one word: "Buffer". I work on a relatively small project which is part of a larger contract so there are only 2 software developers: myself and "my good buddy". Everyone (DBAs, SAs, other developers, etc) here seems to hate "my good buddy" and basically refuse to deal directly with him so I am the "buffer" between them and him. How he is still employeed is beyond belief.

[Diana W]

I'm a PM, so I've always wanted "Customer Chew Toy" on my card

[Wyld One]

Office Mushroom. Kept in the dark, fed turds all day, expected to produce something useful.

[Jason]

I take pictures of invisible light (I build gamma ray cameras for medical imaging)

[Aglet Racing]

My job is to sample and test the turds that businesses send to the giant turd lagoons next to the river. I'm an Industrial Waste Inspector (Sewer Cop.)

[anth]

But Scott, what do Rounders do when confronted with multiple "8" issues?

[Scottin08!]

Senior Accountant: Oh sweet monotony.

[M.]

I take old non-working turd and turn it into new, buzzword-compliant but still non-working turd.

[simcoepl]

I used to tell people I was a Marine Engineer in the Canadian Navy. But when I have to put up with people telling me all their great ideas and waiting for me to go "WOW!!" and after learning that when my opinion is asked for, they only want their own opinion regurgitated, I now tell people that my job is to prop up my bosses fragile egos.