Andorran Showoffs

I hate it when any country does something better than my country. It’s embarrassing. The indignity reached its peak with the latest report on life expectancy. The United States is ranked 42nd. Who is at the top, you might ask? Japan? No. Switzerland? No.

Today I learned there is a tiny country called Andorra, about the size of an ass pimple, in the Pyrenees mountains between France and Spain. They win the life expectancy competition at 83.5 years.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20228552/

So what is their secret? I ran to Wikipedia to learn all about their lifestyle and culture. I figured I should start doing whatever it is that they’re doing.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Andorra

First, I learned that Andorra is a tax haven. If you have ever paid taxes, you know it almost kills you every time. It’s no surprise that tax avoidance is good for your heart. I plan to stop paying taxes immediately. I’ll secede from the United States and declare my own ass pimple-sized republic, nestled within the perimeter of my office, called Paynotaxtopia.

I’ll need a national defense plan, and again, I’ll borrow from Andorra. Their national defense is provided by Spain and France. Sweet! This is the healthiest type of defense you can have. If the Andorrans screw with Germany, the Germans will shoot a Spaniard. There’s your life expectancy right there. I’ll borrow from that model and let Canada and Mexico defend me. In return, I’ll provide secret bank accounts and a tax haven for their politicians. They can even have legal prostitution in Paynotaxtopia, but they will have to bring their own prostitutes. I don’t keep any in the office. (At least not extra ones.)

The main industry of Andorra is tourism. That’s a healthy choice, and I plan to borrow it. The workers spend their days in the beauty and safety of luxury resorts. If they want any sneakers, they import them from a country with a life expectancy of twelve. If you think you have a better economic theory than that, don’t embarrass yourself by mentioning it.

If history is any guide, the United States will want to attack my tiny republic and pull it back into the union. All I need to do is remove all of their pretenses for attacking. I plan to let the nuclear inspectors have full access, and I’ll put a sign above the entrance to my office saying “No Taliban Allowed.” If any Seal teams want to check for terrorists, I’ll leave the door open.

The country of Paynotaxtopia will be a true democracy.  I’ll elect myself every morning before I start work and resign each evening. And most important, I will have no oil. Even Colin Powell couldn't convince the United Nations that attacking me is a good thing.

That’s my plan for dancing on your grave. Let me know if you see any problem with it.

Comments

[Andorra]

I was named after Andorra.

[David]

Scott, why do you hate Switzerland?

[Mike]

I read an article once that said sheep herders in the Andes were the longest-lived people on earth. Old Andean shepherds who ran up and down mountains all day could leave young, healthy American athletes far behind, and supposedly they shook off heart attacks. I remember the account of one 80-year-old Andean shepherd who was eating dinner when he grabbed the edge of the table with both hands and went UNNNHH! After a few minutes acting stunned, he recovered and resumed eating. According to the article, he'd had a heart attack. One that would have killed the average 50-year-old American. He was fine.

Then I read another article about Chicago Bear great Walter Payton, who had a large hill right in back of his house that he ran up and down every day. Like the Andean shepherds, it kept Walter in superb shape. So I thought that to live a long life, I should run up a hill every day.

I did. It was the theory under which I operated for a while. I was attached to it. But then, as you probably remember, Walter Payton died. He was only 45.

It's not so much that Walter's death refuted the longevity theory proposed by the Andean shepherds, as that it just demoralized me. I lost my enthusiasm for running up hills. I still think about it, from time to time. But by now I've been sitting around thinking about it for so long that I'm pretty sure if I ran up a hill today, I'd have a heart attack on the spot. Which could be dangerous, because I'm an average 50-year-old American.

I'm not helping here, am I?

More recently I heard that if you eat extremely little--so little that you become emaciated--you will live longer. But what I remember about that is that the people who follow that regimen lose so much weight in their asses that it hurts them to sit. So that's out. What am I going to do with myself if I can't even sit on my ass?

I think the upshot may be that thinking too much about longevity probably isn't very good for your health.

[Vincent]

good plan, but going through us immigraton everytime you want to buy orange juice might become bothering. especially if you have your own us border office at the exit of your garden and the officier does not like you.

[Sean]

"Scottland?"

Elbonia was taken.

[TaffAndy]

Do a Google on Sealand

[Listo Cómics]

Andorra is quite a weasel country. Offshore paradise with spas and skiing resorts.
Instead of imitating it, we should conquer it.

[Carnivore]

If you like the idea of having distant colonies I'll sell you my house as long as I can be the governor of New Paynotaxtopia.

[Mark]

"I was there about 10 years ago.
There was one guy there. He was about 73.
Your stat suggests that he's dead now?

Posted by: Adam"

50-50, Adam. You won't know until you go again.

Maybe He doesn't know either...

[PSB]

Scottland?

http://publicschoolblogger.blogspot.com/

[Kevin Kunreuther]

RE: Dogbert's run for President
1.) I liked the Switzerland joke even more than most readers, as a fan of Denton, Texas based neo-cabaret artist Little Jack Melody ( http://littlejackmelody.com/ljmelody.html ) - he published a song back in 1990-91 about invading Switzerland, ( http://www.amazon.com/Blank-Generation-Little-Jack-Melody/dp/B000000NBA )
Check it out, I think you'd dig Little Jack Melody
2.)Would it be funnier if Ratbert's campaign strategy be defecating or urinating on Dilbert's foot? Oh, right , family newspapers, got it, fart jokes okay, excretions, that's a no-no
3.)If Dogbert became President, wouldn't he get bored after awhile, after teasing or torturing his Cabinet members and interns alike, invading Aruba, peeing on the Washington Press Corps with impunity, firing the FCC and replacing with Howard Stern, Larry Flynt and a curly red headed vixen of indeterminate beauty and no brains, arresting cows for being, well, cows, then resign and let Ratbert run the show? Now that'd be even more entertainment!

[Justin]

I love the logic. Now all we need is a few political, wealthy backers. We could call it a US protectorate.

[KiwiAtaahua]

In 1989 local government restructuring in New Zealand saw the back-country town of Whangamomona moved into the Manawatu/Wanganui region, rather than staying in the Taranaki region. Annoyed, the residents declared Whangamomona a republic and every two years it holds the Whangamomona Republic Day: http://www.holdenrepublic.org.nz/2005/01/whangamomona-republic-day.html

Whangamomona: One of the coolest place-names in the world.

[Kevin Kunreuther]

What a wonderful daydream.
Too bad taxes actually pay for another daydream which is the upkeep of civilization. Whether we pay taxes or do not pay taxes, it only takes one or two dominoes to set off a chain reaction that would topple the facade supposedly maintained by those taxes. For money itself is part of that facade. If for some reason we realize that the money has no value, unless people set up a serious barter system and set up pseudo-anarchic system to keep the panicky people in check, BOOM! Hell in a hand basket. People everywhere today, even in mainland China are too scared, lazy, satisfied to upset the status quo, as long we get perceived value from system and thus dissenters are mocked, alienated, dissuaded and sometimes punished for trying to either change or secede from status quo or convince enough people to be dissatisfied as to rock the boat.
As for Canada and Mexico coming to your defense, in reality they wouldn't do it for free, you would have to pay a tribute for the privilege of a country coming to your defense. The hostile surrounding municipalities and state officials would order your services like electricity, water, phone and internet be blocked or cut-off (cellular signals can be blocked).Paynotaxia would be another sere republic. OTOH, after your country is re-annexed and you are arrested for being an annoying and expensive crank, your family could apply for aid as refugees, and sponge benefits for years.

[Bsquared]

1. You have the French as neighbours
2. You will get sick of hearing fluglehorns every day

[Tony H.]

The word is "secede". Not "succeed". I'd like to succeed, too, but that's not going to make a sovereign nation of my office.

The verb form is "secede", the noun form is "secession".

"Cessation" is something else entirely.

So is "succession".

[Brain of J]

Peter Griffin already tried to do that in an episode of Family Guy. He did pretty well until he annexed his neighbor's pool.

[Danielle]

In the early 1900s doctors would often recommend time spent in the clean, dry air of the alps for patients prone to pneumonia. There must be health benefits (i.e. longevity) to living your life in those conditions.

[Avi]

What will you do when you run out of Diet Coke? What then?

Also, your plan assumes the American government is at least somewhat rational. Your steps to ensure your country's sucsess rely on combating previous irrationalities, and do not anticipate future ones. You Commie.

[Joshua]

My plans for living longer than you, um, being 25 years younger?

[Dan K]

Succeeding from the union, not paying taxes, HE'S GOT A GUN! Oh, turns out it was just a baby, to bad we already shot him for holding a gun.

Seriously, the life expectancy of not paying taxes in the US is not very good, even for famous people (so far I've only seen people become famous for not paying taxes... if someone was already famous didn't pay taxes in the same fashion nukes might have to come into play).

[Karl H.]

Far be it from me to doubt that Scott Adams has had ass pimples the size of Andorra.

[Dixon]

Ummmm ... I'm pretty sure starting your own country within the boarders of the US is a high risk activity that will lower your life expectancy considerably.

[Tom Gao]

Remember the movie 'Castaway'?

President - Tom Hanks (forgot the character he played)
Prime Minister - 'Wilson' the beach volleyball
Population: 2 (assuming 'Wilson' is a legal entity)
Economy: Fishing
Foreign Policy: SOS, I'm stranded.
Governance: Totalitarian
Defense: I think there was a bear in the movie.

If I was Hanks, I would stay on the island and entertain myself with discarded FED-EX packages.

[Bill]

>you learn just now about Andorra? US must change it's educational system. Here in Serbia all childer learn world geography in elementary school i.e. we learn about whole world even about the us states.

Ha! Scott Adams ima novacs, ne treba zna nista.