Invent Your Own Cuss Phrases

Since I know some of you will whine about seeing another Basic Instructions post (below), I give you this bonus post.

I’m a big fan of creative cussing. When I was a kid, in Windham NY, one of the older boys invented this friendly threat:

“Don’t make me drag you around on the crushed stones until your bung hole smokes.”

It became an instant classic.

I’ve since invented (I think) a few cuss phrases of my own, spontaneously. They make no sense, and that’s exactly what I like about them. The first is used when you see or hear something that is both bad and unlikely:

“Christ on a cracker!”

See? It makes no sense, but rolls off the tongue like it does. Feel free to use it.

My other invention is one I use when I experience unusual bad luck. It likewise makes no sense, in the best possible way. It goes like this:

“Fuck me with a saw!”

Now it’s your turn. Do you have any good cussing inventions to share?

Comments

[Judah]

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph on a Bicycle!"
From my wife, a "recovering catholic". She thinks this was common in parochial schools.

"Assface!" (always said in a high-and-whiny voice)
From a guy in my dorm in college. I'm surprised you don't
hear this one more often.

"Oh intercourse the waterfowl"
A polite way to say "fuck a duck" while doing homage to Monty Python

"Via con Caso"
A random spin on "Via con Dios". Where should you 'go with cheese'?
I could have the Spanish spelling wrong.

"Quelle Fromage!"
A random spin on the French "Quelle Supriese": "What Cheese!"
I'm positive I'm mangling the spelling of this.

[v]

My husband and I came up with our own favorite: Fuck you with a broken broomstick dipped in battery acid.

[trailerparkbarbie]

You snotlicking bugfucking turdhole! Use your shitforbrains cockhaped cranium and stick an asshole flavored cork in your pie-hole!

My mom used to say this....when someone would use the term, "By God"....my mom would say....

"BUY God? BUY God?...you couldn't even rent a room in hell!"

[kristen davis]

What do you mean when you say you have been using christ as a cracker damm that does not sound right

http://kristen-davis-sex-tape.wedding-review.info/main.htm

[Monica Willard]

Being in the military, a couple of my favs r "Whiskey Tango Foxtrot" (What the Fuck) and This is the biggest "Charley Foxtrot" (Cluster Fuck) I've ever seen.

[Random-Monotony]

For some reason I started using: "Oh holy flying monkey jesus!" whenever suprised...

[LeeAnn]

Jesus Purpleptic Christ

Fuck fuck fuckity fuck

and if someone is looking for something and asks you where it is: "If it was up your ass eating a ham sandwich you'd know."

[Jacki]

You didn't come up with Christ on a Cracker.
Just wanted you to know in the spirit of toilet paper on your shoe alert.

[Charlie]

"Grab your cocks and move your socks"
"Fruitball!"
"wow ur glasses are thick enough to see ppl waving on a north american map"

[Ray Clarke]

one of my Dad's favorites..."do you se that mistletoe on my shirt tail?"...someone would always add "It's French."

another...."give my regards to your mother, the petite mademoiselle" (unmarried lady)..a nicer way of calling someone a B*sa*rd.

One from my wife...Oh for Five Cents!"

[west seattle mafia]

dickmunch

[SWETCH]

Fuck me Running.

[matthew barringer]

i used to say fuck a duck and sometimes still do but i have a way better your mum joke and it goes:

your mums so fat when she ordered a waterbed they had to put a blanket over the ocean.

gr8 eh?

[Nick]

BEARD OF ZEUS!

[Al]

My personal favourite used to be "dogwank" as in "that's a complete load of dogwank" but just lately it's become "pissflaps". However if you're looking for non-swearing cusses then you can't go wrong with "Holy Zarquon's singing fish", "Joojooflop" or "Belgium" from HG2TG.

[Kossick]

My absolute favourite at the moment is not really an exclamation, but just a stupid comment (thanks to Amando Ianucci) called "Jizzflakes". The first time I saw it I knew it was something special.

[Rory]

I'm 12. My dad when hits himself saeys...

[daveo]

cocking nob

[corry yn yr cymru]

i just love "nob" it works for any situation. my dad favours bugerations. my little sister(5) likes to say "flick the bees" at any random point.(she has a slight lisp and cant say v so bees has grown on us).

[conor.]

i like "JESUS MALONEY!" and "WELL PISS ON MY LIPS AND CALL ME KEVIN!"

[Moz]

My mother used to use a phrase that she said was French. To this day I can hear her say it but my limited knowledge of the language has never given me the skills to translate, if translatable it is. It sounded like:

Son c'est le vecu.

And she said it with such vehemence. It always seemed to satisfy her :).

[annoying mouse]

My friend said "I'm going to gut-fuck you with a shovel."

[Duck]

My father used to say "fuck a duck!" when unpleasantly surprised. I seemed to have picked it up and ran with it (in order of increasing expression of frustration):
Fuck a duck.
Fuck a duck deeply up the ass.
Fuck a duck deeply up the ass till it dies.
Fuck many ducks deeply up the ass till they all die.
...shortened to
Many ducks!

[PS]

One of my favourites is "Jesus titty-fucking Christ!"

And in reference to a woman on heat... "dripping like a broken fridge".

[David Cooper]

I forgot one......I feel like a bag of smashed assholes...again, women HATE that one. You know, it is becoming very clear why I don't have a girlfriend....