Slap the Monk, eh?

My favorite story of the week, if not my entire life, involves China passing a law banning Tibetan monks from reincarnating without permission.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20227400/site/newsweek/

My first reaction was something along the lines of “Ha ha! You can’t regulate reincarnation!” Then I realized China manufactured every article of clothing I’m wearing, and I didn’t see that coming either. So maybe I should stop underestimating China for once. I’d like to go on record predicting China CAN control reincarnation if they set their minds to it.

Regulating reincarnation is a worthy goal. There are many benefits. For example, reincarnation would give the Chinese government a renewable source of spare parts:

Chinese Bureaucrat: “Hold still.”

Monk: “Please don’t remove my heart! I’ll die!”

Chinese Bureaucrat: “No worries. I’ve already signed form R-23 authorizing you to reincarnate.”

Monk: “As another monk?”

Chinese Bureaucrat: “As a dung beetle if you don’t stop squirming.”

I also wonder if crimes committed in this life will be punished in the next. For example, if you commit a crime, and coincidentally have a heart attack as you are being sentenced to jail, and reincarnate into poultry, can the judge order his bailiff to choke the chicken?

Cynics believe the real reason behind this Chinese law is to control the Dalai Lama’s impending reincarnation. I hope that’s not true, because it is exactly the sort of decision you should not trust to bureaucrats. It raises the ugly possibility that the next Dalai Lama will be, for example, a squirrel.

I don’t think I have to tell you that Tibetan monks have enough trouble already. They sit around all day in their bathrobes chanting whatever the Tibetan words are for “I wish I had Internet, I wish I had Internet.” That has to get boring after a few decades.

The only possession of a Tibetan monk is a rice bowl. They aren’t even on the Victoria Secrets mailing list. If you have ever tried pleasuring yourself while looking at a rice bowl, it’s not as easy as it sounds. You’d need at least two bowls for that, turned upside down, with a pebble on each of them. And I already told you Monks don’t own pebbles.

All I’m saying is the monks have a tough life. If they have to start worshipping a squirrel, things can only get worse. Imagine the teasing the little monks would get in school:

Chinese Bully: “Hey, Norbu, I hear your Dalai Lama is home playing with his nuts! Ha ha!”

And I imagine the Chinese schoolyard bullies of the future will be kids whose Dad’s work in the Department of Determining What You Reincarnate Into.

Chinese Bully: “Give me your lunch money, or else.”

Chinese non-Bully: “Or else what?”

Chinese Bully: “My dad will turn your dad into an ass monkey.”

Chinese non-Bully: “There’s no such thing as an ass monkey.”

Chinese Bully: “Oh yeah? My uncle works in the Department of Evolution, and we have a family reunion coming up.”

Chinese non-Bully: “Noooooooo!!!!!”

It could happen.

Comments

[Rangzen]

Quite saddening. Making fun of the people on the edge of systematic genocide by the Chinese regime.

[Nick]

I just caught wind of an event that just happened last night in DC. This "Pray for Peace" included performances by Graham Nash, David Crosby, Jackson Browne, and others. Speakers included A local radio station has pics, video and audio from the event. Check it out at www.idigbig.com.

[CaptainDan]

You misunderstand the two completely different definitions of "law". There are natural laws, and man-made laws.

Natural laws are scientifically proven, and are obeyed whether you like it or not. Such as the law of gravity. If you drop a piece of toast, it's gonna hit the floor, like it or not (which side down is a different law, and a whole different discussion).

Man-made laws are really more like rules, and have consequences to violating them. Like speeding. It's against the law, but you can still speed. You just are risking the consequences (fines, jail time, high speed chases, night stick shoved up your....anyway, you get the idea).

China is just looking for some revenue enhancement, just like the state police. "Hold it there buddy, I got you on the video surveillance reincarnating. Here's your court date to appear before the judge."

Hmmmm. "reincarnating" why does that sound dirty?

[h.f.]

I don't whether reincarnation exists. While I do doubt it's existence, I have no plans on making any definitive statements about its existence as such statements would be too bold and rash. I do not have enough metaphysical auhtority or knowledge of this universe to make such a claim.

While I am researching the role of religion in East Asian history, my knowledge of Tibetan Buddhism and Zen Buddhism is still rather superficial. At best, I know that
Tibetan lammas who choose to reincarnate must undergo a complex fasting and burning ritual. The fasting process is incredibly complex because only certain minerals may be consumed so to ensure that essential remains of the individual may be retained even after the burning. (There was an exhibit explaining the process in detail a few years back in s.f...I was still a kid then so a lot of the details escaped me)

Because the ritual is so complex,China can easily carry out their proposed policy by as you put it restricting religious freedom. It's not a matter of whether, as you argued, reincarnation exists, but whether China can actually do something to stop monks/lammas/priests from undergoing their ritual. If the proper ritual is not carried out, it could be detrimental to the faith (which is their motivation for their liberation cause)and future of Tibet.

Personally, I have to admit I'm rather indifferent to organized religion. The whole concept confuses me. It feuls conflict between and within religious groups. I don't know why organized religions still exists.

Sorry, I realize that my thoughts are rather scattered and not written in an organized fashion, but essentially, I just don't think that we should downplay the seriousness of the issue by offering jokes and hypotheticals that falsely generalize the issues at hand.

[Paul]

How, exactly? It may come as a surprise to you, but REINCARNATION DOES NOT EXIST.

Apart from your belief that you are able to state it doesn't exist. The implications are of what it will mean for buddhists in Tibet who believe in reincarnation and what this law will mean in terms of them recognising priests and lama's. It could be seen as a sign of trying to restrict religious freedom.

[Simon]

A post purely to try and make as much reference to masturbation as possible?
What possessed you Scott?

[PaS]

Scott
One of your funniest post ever (or at least since I've become addicted to your posts...). triple LOL

[h.f.]

I suggest you guys research how a Tibetan reincarnation is carried out before you make these comments. China can regulate the process. Simply dying is not sufficient for reincarnation. Don't just go by what your superficial knowledge of how the religion/philosophy actually works. I'm not trying to put people down, I'm just trying to promote academic enrichment.

In addition, if you have studied religion and its history in east asia, Tibetan monks were atrocious during the Yuan dynasty (13th).

If you look at things objectively, then, neither China or Tibet is free of sin. There are historical underlayings here.

btw to those who believe in a free tibet, how deep does your knowlege of the cause go? are you aware that actual tibetans are often oppressed by the tibetan elite?

I don't support China or Tibet, but I think as global citizens we should all try to at least understand the history of the issues before making any assessments of our own. and don't rely solely on the media. use your noggin and read some academic articles/texts.

[Sanjeev]

What can I say.... the Chinese officials probably will get on the job of preventing reincarnations right after they finish "cleansing" the internet!

http://www.reuters.com/article/technologyNews/idUSPEK8130920070423

[Aqua]

For "I am Chinese": The issue here is not about people trying to separate Tibet from China. The issue is about China illegally occupying Tibet and committing grave human rights injustice and cultural genocide in Tibet. I wonder how ppl in the Chinese govt can go to sleep peacefully at night when they have:
1. kidnapped the true re-incarnation of the Panchen Lama. Gendun Choekyi Nyima, XIth Panchen Lama is probably the world's youngest political prisoner. kidnapped at age 6. He is 18 now. http://www.savetibet.org/campaigns/pl/index.php
2. Illegally occupied Tibet since 1956.
3. denied a fair trail to Tulku Tenzin Delek and other current Tibetan political prisoners.

I am Tibetan, and we will never forget. So the Chinese may kick and scream about Tibet and "separatist" activities, but the truth will prevail. and Tibet will be free someday!

[latsot]

"This is a story that could have serious human rights consequences"

How, exactly? It may come as a surprise to you, but REINCARNATION DOES NOT EXIST. Even if it did, how would a government trying to ban it prevent it from actually happening? This is the point Scott was making using a thing called 'humour', which you might want to read about.

[thearbitcouncil]

/// They sit around all day in their bathrobes chanting whatever the Tibetan words are for “I wish I had Internet, I wish I had Internet.” ///

that's gold, scott, gold.

i swear that is the 2nd funniest thing i've ever read on the internet.. the first being a comment in a news about how a man got a rod stuck in his head.

[XTC]

Ass monkey.

ROFLMAO.
Thanks for that. =D

[Karen]

you just wanted to say "choke the chicken"

[Enough Wealth]

I had been thinking about getting an additional life insurance policy to fund cryonic suspension (just in case medical science doesn't extend life span as fast as we might like). Now I realise that I'd better also apply for a licence to reincarnate from the Chinese government. By the time there's a cure for whatever it is that eventually kills me, and someone gets around to defrosting my corpsical, the People's Democratic World Government is likely to be running the joint. Without the proper paperwork it might be a short trip straight from the deep freeze into the crematorium.

Regards
http://enoughwealth.com

[Damian Kumor]

Free Tibet.

[Smartyboy]

finally sm gud..partially dirty humor..welcom bak!

[Noah Vaile]

Yes what if the new Dalai Lama is Mao I. Naise, scion of the Chinese bureaucrocracy?

China is a DICTATORSHIP!! in which the people are treated like things and there is little to no respect for human rights and even human needs. They produce cheap goods very cheaply and we buy them providing a significant profit margin. These profits do trickle down to the Chinese manufacturers and the more unscrupulous among them are seeking to increase their own share via use of even cheaper (and dangerous) materials.

There are few rules in China the primary one being "don't get caught." As in any totalitarian regime being caught is the only true crime. If you are caught you are killed, This also weeds out the careless, stupid and unlucky from the ever shrinking yet still huge gene pool.
Further, with their "no child has a sibling" birth program. they are an aging and unhappy society. Finally the fact that girl children are less valued than boys there are too few females in China giving the country a surfeit of young males who have a lot of young male energy giving the entire country a tendency towards violent and aggressive behavior. A nation of older aging people led by old men with an underclass of angry, sex-starved, aggressive young men with nothing to do. What do they have to lose? Ouch!

[Jiri Novotny]

Damn, you made me laugh out loud for the first time, even Dilbert couldn't do that. I want more :D

[I am a Chinese]

The truth is that those monks are always trying to seperate Tibet out of China.
This law may sound absurd, but the true object is to protect our country from seperating. And that can be understood by every Chinese.
I like the cartoon very much, but I'm sorry to see there are so much Dilbert fans attacting mu country in their comments.

[I am Chinese]

The truth is that those monks are always trying to seperate Tibet out of China.
This law may sound absurd, but the true object is to protect our country from seperating. And that can be understood by every Chinese.
I like the cartoon very much, but I'm sorry to see there are so much Dilbert fans attacting mu country in their comments.

[felize]

Permission??
What cracks my head most about this thing is that Scotts reference as well as the Newsweek article say that the monks are to be "banned ... from reincarnation without government permission". Did the Chinese government really push this farce that far to create some kind of "permission process" that pretends to make it possible to have one´s reincarnation approved by a legal process? And how are the monks supposed to transfer their permission into their next reincarnation? Bury it some place that only they know about?

[ipsissimus_clay]

Ha! Finally I know what 'Ohm ahne padme hum' actually means. 'Jewel in the Lotus' my ass.

[Sameer]

Scott, this is what your blog readers WANT. This post is a gem. So here is a suggestion: just pick one news article everyday and let your thoughts run wild on it. Chances are high that it will be funny like this post is.. (as opposed to trying to educate the world with your philosophy or trying to commercialize someone's comic strips).

[Dexter]

To put it simply its the posts like this one that makes me want to waste my most productive hours of day in reading your blog, thanks scott at least you help keep us alive..
hail scott......

[the man in the trout mask]

Form 11D/2b(GP) - Application to reincarnate.

Please complete the following:
(1) Previous incarnations: (a)from....to....
(b)from....to....
(2) Reasons for desiring further reincarnation

(3) Have you ever undergone an unauthorized reincarnation?
Please explain:

(4) If granted permission to reincarnate please describe form that this incarnation would take and why.

Please return completed application to:

Bureau of Personality Management
Licensing Department
Attn. Peoples Comissar for Future Lives
Beijing

[Paul]

You do often simplify a situation so that you can make it amusing, which regularly works well. In this case I think you've crossed the line into ignorance, and seem to be assuming that Tibetans have Western values and are longing to be better and more..um...American

This is a story that could have serious human rights consequences, and it's probably worth more than a couple of incredibly contrived masturbation jokes.

Not up to your usually high standard.

[kritika joshi]

You sounded so much like Harry Potter. Department of magic huh :-)

[Seth]

I think Scott would do best if he converted to a 3-panel format, a la Penny Arcade (www.pennyarcade.com).

Penny Arcade's basic format is something like, first frame has a situation; second frame, situation procedes logically towards humor; and the third frame, it throws everything completely on edge.

It shouldn't be too hard to reformat most of his comics into a three panel format by combining either 1+2, 2+3, or 3+4. While he does have a gift for humor, chance are not every joke in each panel is as strong as some of the other panels. Giving more focus to the stronger panels will increase the overall strength of the comic.

Just my opinion.

[Raza Khan]

Seriously Scott, what did u drink today instead of diet coke?

[Aditya Simha]

Oh my god! That has got to be the most absurd rule EVER! A law to control reincarnation? But I always thought the commies never believed in reincarnation; why control something you don't believe in?

This is just another plan to "integrate" Tibet into China; that's all it is!

[Paris]

It will be be the fall of the Western World as we know it.

[Anshuman]

Amazing line of thought you have, I must say! I am really impressed...I was already your fan and I have yet again become one...keep these "General Nonsense" coming...

Thanks

[Jason Allen]

Tibet was traditionally ruled by monks believed to be reincarnated spirits of past leaders. The Dali Lama is an example. The Chinese have interfered with the Tibetan government since it invaded in the 1960s. Children believed to be the reincarnated spirit of past important leaders sometimes "disappear." Other times, the Chinese government claims a different child is the real person reincarnated with that spirit.

Outlawing the act of reincarnation without prior authorization is just another attempt at controlling Tibetan politics. It's quite pathetic.

[BTTFVGO]

I had to reread the post, and caught a little more than I did the first time. Wow. Your mind is like a master's playground... or um, like Norm Abrams and Bob Villa's workshop.

You can take anything and turn it into something a million times better! Excellent job. I truly commend your sense of humor, as, sadly, I can relate to you a lot more than you know.

I only have 13 Dilbert books at the moment, but will have them all. You work has always been an inspiration, as I've been reading Dilbert for years.

Hey Scott, ask Dogbert when a new newsletter is coming out! I know it's a lot to ask and all, but as each book tells you to join the DNRC, it's like a tradition. The newsletter MUST go on.

You're the man, Scott.

[rd]

poor monks, no empathy for them here
but they always have a choice to give bribe to the official regulating them and reincarnate into f.e angels
whilst the bribee would get caught by his brethren and shot for bribery
it's not that i'm endorsing such a cruel fate for another human being, c'est la vie and human nature and the chinese created circumstances
clothes are OK by now, but what if you'll get forced to speak chinese at the end of your life in say 10-20-30 yrs period, that's a very real threat
but whatever
since my senses are failing, humor sense including
and i'm lazy to look up pebble, choke and else
must be all something witty
hope you'll get enlightened accidentally by checking this out
http://www.darkroastedblend.com/2007/08/creation-and-destruction-of-sand.html

[Gleetnorx]

Well, you understand, HH the 14th Dalai Lama has already made comments about the possibility of the next Dalai Lama incarnating outside of Tibet, which would be a smart move, considering that ...

the Chinese have been manuvering for years over various Tulkus(reincarnations of prominent Rinpoche's etc), attempting to get their own puppet versions installed around Tibet.

Just like petty tyrants, to think they can control it all.
Control this, Peoples Republic of china: (_!_)

[Mac]

There's one problem with your last scenario - the one child policy.

That means no sisters or brothers in this generation.
And no uncle or aunts in the next one.
etc.

Family reunions wouldn't be particularly exciting.

Sadly, that leapt out at me as the only implausible part of the entire scenario.

Mac

[Matt]

This is a little more insidious than it seems. The Dalai Lama will die within the next 20 years or so. At that time the Tibetan monks will start searching for the baby that is his re-incarnation who will be the new (latest form) of the Dalai Lama. This is not only for the big guy, but many important personages within their religion are replaced this way. This law can effectively allow the Chinese government to imprison any replacement that the Tibetan monks put forward for their heirarchy. What appears to be a humourous story actually has a serious human rights and freedom of religion implication.

[Don]

Ha! You're just damn funny once in a while. :o)

[Iain]

I think you were trying a bit too hard with this one. Keep it subtle, it's more amusing. :-)

[Tim Martin]

When the Chinese military acting under orders of the Chinese government did the dirty deed in 1959 they destroyed what I understand to be the most advanced piece of technology ever to appear on this backward little planet: the magnificent reincarnation machine in wuthering Tibet. They shot it up with automatic rifles, like a zillion rounds. I just wish they had stolen it like I wish someone had stolen the library at Alexandria instead of burning it. I still think that action in Tibet was the worst crime of my lifetime. If the fucking Chinese had dismantled and transported the device to their own location this law wouldn't be a scam nor a joke: It might be an industry selling authentic immortality.
By the way humans on this planet do not reincarnate as animals on this planet, while energy is neither created nor destroyed coherency is easily lost through living an incoherent life. Frequently humorous fuck-ups reincarnate as 2 dimensional cartoon figures invisible from the sideview.

[RunningFool]

I thought your silly, brainless, masturbation-pun-filled posts were supposed to be on Sundays.

[D. Mented]

Tibetan monks have internet. I think the head lama sets the settings, though, so they have to be really persuasive if they want porn. There could be a few Tibetan Buddhists reading this blog right now, but if they are, they're not supposed to log on with names like "Ima T. Betinmonk" when they post.
The thing you need to understand about Tibetan Buddhism is that it comes from the Indian mystic tradition that included sexual tantra. They're trying to transform themselves to be happier, more understanding, better sense of humor, compassion, that sort of thing. It's hard to do that if you can't have any fun at all.
As for only owning a rice bowl, they're also allowed to have a teacup. They don't mind about lots of other stuff because the money all goes to religious paintings and statues. They're really pretty, and they have Dakinis in them. Look up "Dakinis" if you want to see pictures of beautiful naked women with fangs and weapons dancing around or having sexual congress with the Bodhisattvas.
...Like I said, the monks don't need lots of stuff in their own little cells, because they're always down in the meditation hall contemplating the inspiring religious images.
D. Mented

[BTTFVGO]

I've heard it all.........

[Goggles]

ah, Scott. I think you have just made my week.

[Andrew]

Imagine if the next Dali Lama was reincarnated in the USA.

Imagine if this was the event that triggered serious hostilities between China and the Western World.

Going to war over a reincarnated squirrel arguement. It could happen.

[nnam]

if the criminal has a heart attack while being sentenced, and then reincarnates as an ape, do you think the judge would then order the bailiff to spank the monkey.

hehehehehehehehehehe

[Sean]

Horny camel kills woman... Sounds like ripe blogging materials for Scott.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/asiapcf/08/20/camel.death.ap/index.html?eref=rss_world

BRISBANE, Australia (AP) -- An Australian woman was killed by a pet camel given to her as a 60th birthday present, police said Sunday.

The 10-month-old male -- weighing about 330 pounds -- had knocked her to the ground then lay on top of her in what police suspect was mating behavior, Gregory said.

[Chris Hulley]

Banning reincarnation is a very funny concept.

I only saw one person raising what the real issue is, so I thought I would clarify it. Sorry this isn't humorous, anyone who MUST have a joke should stop reading now.

The way Dalai Lamaship is passed on is, when the Dalai dies, the senior monks go around looking at babies that have just been born, and when they find the one they reckon contains the Dalai's reincarnated soul, they choose him to be the next Dalai Lama. (For some reason, the Dalai doesn't seem to reincarnate as a girl.)

Since reincarnation is now illegal, if the monks try to do this, they can probably be prosecuted, and the baby can be taken away and something horrible done to it.

This legislation makes it effectively impossible for there to be a new religious leader in Tibet chosen from the population. A new Dalai can still be chosen as the Dalai says "he will not reincarnate in Tibet", but he will not be Tibetan. This will have an enormous impact on Tibetan religion and Buddhism within Tibet. It remains to be seen if the organisation will survive. This is China's objective.

If you're Catholic, a similar thing would be the banning of Apostolic Succession. Then, when the current pope is going to die and a successor is chosen, the successor is taken away and shot. If you're a Catholic, this has enormous impact. If not, the politcs should disturb you.

One of the plus sides of Buddhism is it is the most peaceful philosophy there is. The down side is, it cannot easily defend itself from attacks like this - or any other.

For all those who've kept on reading but would still like a joke, here's my "thank you" ...

"What did the Dalai Lama say to the hotdog salesman?"
"Make me one with everything"

[XX EE]

Oh, lordy ... this post was a laugh-fest from start to finish!

I really needed it today because I have a meeting this coming Friday with my doctoral committee ... which features one bullying hater, one two-faced hose beast, one squirrely curmudgeon, one absentee (who I wish weren't), and two genuinely intelligent and reasonable people ... and since the smart, reasonable people are outnumbered by dingleberries, the meeting won't be pretty.

*sigh*

I also loved today's Dilbert ... even sent it to my boss.

Thanks, Scott!

[Tom Foster]

I don't know why, but I can't help noticing that you call person being bullied "non bully" rather than, say "victim".

I can't help suspecting it's a lot healthier that way.

[Roby Bang]

But then again, what do monks have to lose if they reincarnate illegally? Their lives are so simple that they don't fear death. they avoid any sense of physical pleasure, and they can slow their heart down to an almost dead level. They aren't really attached to their bodies like we are, since they hardly ever really use theirs. If the Chinese police caught them, they'd just press the ejector seat in their body and get a new one, like throw-away cell phones.

[QwkDrw]

Too very funny! Dung beatle, rice bowls and pebbles, ass monkey, squirrel Lama, and . . .

The Department of Evolution.

[Meghan]

What if the Dali Lamma dies with out getting permition to reincarnate? An then they locate the next incarnation of the Dali Lamma, but they have to be jailed because they reincarnated with out permition?

That would be horrible indeed.

[CH]

Another ridiculous story that I read recently...:

http://www.thestar.com/article/248045

CH

[Don]

I have a test for divining the real Dalai Lama in the next round: it won't be the control freak with a closet monkey-slapping obsession.

[Mr. Wampus]

So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one - big hitter, the Lama - long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga... gunga, gunga-galunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.

(Sorry, it had to be done.)

[AJ]

How to make a funny blog post (ala Scott):
- Take a preposterous news story (e.g. a Gov't banning reincarnation)
- Attempt to defend the absurdity in the story (e.g. it could happen)
- Mix in a few friendly and cute animals (e.g. squirrels, poultry, etc)
- Toss in veiled and not-so-veiled references to sexuality and masturbation (e.g. choking the chicken, inverted rice bowls with a pebble on top, Victoria's Secret)
- Sprinkle in some cruelty (e.g. turning a monk into a dung beetle or ass monkey)
- Mix well
- Serve
- Repeat.

p.s. Yet again, another excellent post!

[John Hewitt]

If the government outlaws reincarnation, only outlaws will be reincarnated!

[Berimbau_one]

My 81-year-old dad has a new hobby, every store we go he will pick up random items on shelves and flip them around, turn them again, and scan them meticulously until he finds what he is looking for, a “Made in China” sticker. Then he grins, satisfied, and announces it: “Hey whaddayaknow, it’s made in China! I tell ya. Those Chinese are smart, they’re everywhere. That’s why the Olympics are being held there next year!”

Also, my wife has the theory that those latest Mattel toy recalls are anti-China propaganda, along with all the other recalled products. All Chinese products had been alright, until this year, when the perceived economic threat to the US economy is latent. Now all of a sudden its Chinese policy to dip everything in lead and lighter fluid before it’s shipped to the US? This is suspect.

As is the case with any culture, the Chinese obviously have qualities we would want to adopt, but also have a way of running things that is a bit in contrast with what we’re used to. But in an increasingly globalized community we have to evolve and adapt, right? I say the smart ones among us will start looking into taking Mandarin classes.

That said, let me be the first to welcome our future Chinese overlords and will be happy to point out any non-regulated reincarnated dissenters.

[Kevin]

I love the fact that some people believe the purpose of your blog and your very existence is only to entertain them. While I also would like more posts like this, I enjoy almost all of your posts - even the ones *not* like this. The ones I don't like are even interesting, because they give me a window into another person's thoughts. IMHO, you are someone who has interesting ideas about the world, the funny parts and the not-so-funny parts, and you write well enough to get his ideas across in a way most people can understand (even if they don't agree). I know you don't need to be told this, but keep being yourself! That's an order!

[Bill Harting]

Is "Slap the Monk" going to be the new term for "Choke the Chicken"?

[DWH]

What if the Dalai Lama is reincarnated as a Chinese bureaucrat?Then what?

[rpr9999]

The article is about Tibetan Monks, the commentary is about masturbation.

Brilliant!

[Phnix]

>Buddhist monks don't have anything because they've >renounced all worldly desires. They tread the path of >enlighment. The great thing about the monks is they >are perfectly happy and at peace without the internet.

At peace without the Internet... where do we find these people? Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go put my penis in some technology now.

[Bobby]

Most of your post was very funny, but that was too far to go for the chicken joke.

[rita mae]

Slap the monk, eh? Choke the chicken?
Scott, Scott. It has been a long time for you, huh?
Bobby and I were just talking about you. Good to have you back.

Scott, still love you, and still too old to stalk you.

Rita Mae

[Wossname]

/Cynics believe the real reason behind this Chinese law is to control the Dalai Lama’s impending reincarnation./

The problem with this is the 'grandfather clause'. I don't see how this law can be imposed on people whose souls have already passed on, so they're already in limbo. How did they "get the memo," exactly?

Sure, if you're alive right now, and reading the Chinese news, you can be held accountable. But there is an obvious gap in passing on the information. (No pun intended.)

It's like if someone is imprisoned for murder and THEN the death penalty is passed. There was no death penalty when the crime was committed, so it doesn't apply.

Also, every good law has a punishment, right? Explain how you *punish* someone for reincarnating as the Dalai Lama.

I won't even get started on wondering what the paperwork looks like.

[Berimbau_one]

My 81-year-old dad has a new hobby. Every store we go he will pick up random items on shelves and flip them around, turn them again, and scan them meticulously until he finds what he is looking for, a “Made in China” sticker.

Then he grins, satisfied, and announces it: “Hey whaddayaknow, it’s made in China! I tell ya. Those Chinese are smart, they’re everywhere. That’s why the Olympics are being held there next year!”

Also, my wife has the theory that those latest Mattel toy recalls are anti-China propaganda, along with all the other recalled products.

All Chinese products had been OK, that is until this year, when the perceived "threat" to the world's other economic powers is latent. Now all of a sudden its Chinese policy to dip everything in lead and lighter fluid before it’s shipped to the US? This is suspect.

As is the case with any culture, the Chinese obviously have qualities we would want to adopt, but also have a way of running things that is a bit in contrast with what we’re used to. But in an increasingly globalized community we have to evolve and adapt, right? I say the smart ones among us will start looking into taking Mandarin classes.

That said, I would like to officially welcome our future Chinese overlords and will be happy to point out any non-regulated reincarnated dissenters.

[Mark Thorson]

Hey! You found a religion
you can mock with absolutely
no fear they'll come after
you with shotguns or sue you.
These people don't step on
ants, so you can feel free
to mock them at your leisure.

If I were the Dalai Lama, I'd
respond to the Chinese govt.
by claiming that Mao Zedong
has reincarnated and he's
being trained to be a monk
in one of our schools in
India.

[tubaguy]

Was this post a thought experiment about thought experiments?

The reason I ask is that in one day the direction changed from what I'd call aesthetic constructivism to something remarkably less esoteric which included references to rice bowl masturbation and ass monkeys.

It seems to have evoked a different kind of response.

[Ichabod]

A number of years ago, the town of Topsail Beach, NC, passed a resolution outlawing hurricanes within the town's boundaries. Perhaps predictably, the next hurricane season brought not one, but two hurricanes that passed right over the town.

The Chinese can outlaw the supernatural or the natural all they want, but I don't think they're going to be any more effective than Pat Robertson is at redirecting hurricanes.

[Artemas Gruzdeff]

The original story is so hilarious on its own (it's almost too good to be true) that your post provides no added value. You certainly tried, but failed.
It's not your fault, it's just that one-in-a-million occurrence when reality is a million times better than any fiction.

[adora]

The Chinese word for Baboon is 狒狒(fei-fei) which ryhmes with "ass"(si-fei) in Cantonese slang.
Is that one of your freaky happenings again?

[adora]

Actally, most Tibetan monks gets paid by the CIA, just sit around all day talking about suffering. They don't have a tough life, their slaves did. http://youtube.com/watch?v=QXRmPwWGwBA
The up side is, you can now bribe someone at the Department of Evolution to have yourself reincarnated to whatever you want.

[jakesdad]

and the penalty for unauthorized reincarnation is?

seems like they didn't think this one through real well...

[Xavier]

sadly they did institute this so they could control the next dalai lama

[Robert B.]

You might want to think about getting a lead test.

[DanW]

That would make sense of US courts imposing multiple life sentences on criminals. Can you imagine? Your reincarnated and immediately get thrown back in jail as an infant.

This could lead to multiple capital punishment penalties also.

[^Mo^]

How the hell do ya find these kinds of stories?? Do you just stroll the Internet all day long or something?

[Jenny from Chicago]

I must say that there seems to be a general tone of relief about your return to being funny. I concur.

[Tyler]

Buddhist monks don't have anything because they've renounced all worldly desires. They tread the path of enlighment. The great thing about the monks is they are perfectly happy and at peace without the internet.

Go monks!

[Raphael Linhares]

Great Post!
LOL
I thought this law was a bit unreal myself.

[mtty]

Too many funnies to point out. Good one. Though I am growing weary of all the masturbation references. The funny just wears off of some things after a while.

BTW: You're confusing reincarnation with transmigration. Reincarnation specifically implies the soul is born into another human being. To be born as another creature, the soul has to transmigrate.

[Real Live Girl]

What is that I hear? The sound 2 pebbles being put on 2 overturned rice bowls... Just checking out the Tibetan monk lifestyle, eh?

Thanks for the laughs this morning!

[tim shepard]

Let's talk about something fun...
How about magic?

[Alex]

Now, only if Iraq would learn from the Chinese and ban suicide bombers from getting 70 virgins.

[Matthew Kovich]

Also - "choke the chicken"?

classic.

[Oddity]

And on the 72nd day, Mr. Adams posted, and it was funny, and the peasants rejoiced.

Please continue to post whatever's on your mind, not what will make the masses happy.

Of course, when morale gets low, they seem to like posts containing masturbation or other sexually-enriched subjects, and that should hold you for another week or so.

Anyway - some of the early responders have apparently missed the point of the post, and how sad this whole religion/government/moron environment is becoming worldwide. And how scared China is of Tibet.

[Dave]

Why would the Chinese Bureaucrat's be taking spare parts from monks? They already abuse and oppress the massive poor people in the country. Why pick on the monks when they have plenty of other people to extract body parts?

Furthermore the Dalai Lama's soul, by tradition, is reborn as a new human. So the whole monkey or squirrel or whatever really doesn't make sense.

Finally how would a "little monk" be teased by a bully? Wouldn't they both be going to the same school if they were Buddhists and hence be worshipping the same person/entity?

[Matthew Kovich]

the world is coming to an end

[Scottupnorth]

Been holding all that in for awhile eh?

[Pat]

om ma ni pad mi hum

(those are the words they chant)

really.

Pat

[Joshua]

I don't promote violence, but shouldn't God start smiting by now?

[techy]

Did you spank the monkey this weekend? LOL, Hysterical. Keep 'em coming. That was funny!

[RPK]

Interesting how different societies/governments react to things...

The Chinese government obviously feels threatened by the idea of reincarnation, so they ban it, however futile an effort that might be.

I have to believe that if a large reincarnation movement was present in the US, the government would not try to ban it but would looking to tax the hell out of it.

There would be a sliding scale...coming back as a houseplant might cost $50. A squirrel could be worth $100. Dogs, (with good owners), $250 at least. Coming back as a human would be pretty steep, depending on what type of human...there would be a difference between coming back as a dorky kid who gets beat up every day at school versus the quarterback on the high school football team.

When the soon-to-be-established Department of Reincarnated Revenue sets the tax rates, they'll need to account for the fact that the dorky kid will have his own successful business and be a multi-millionaire by age 25, and the high-school quarter-back will be sweeping floors in the dork's office building. The former QB will still get laid more though. I'm glad I don't have to figure this stuff out.

[t-dawg]

Okay. I can't believe only one person has noticed the pun in the title, and even they didn't make a direct reference to it. I'm going on record as the first to do so.

[azw88]

I wonder if the penalty for unlawful reincarnation is execution.....

and making the person an automatic repeat offender by coming back as something else...

[ita]

Great post!!

Speaking of China, on NPR I heard an interview with a woman who tried to live a year without buying anything made in China and wrote a book about it: A Year Without 'Made in China. It was a real challenge.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/LIVING/wayoflife/07/26/china.products/index.html

[Julie]

This is very funny, but I can't help but wonder if you did all this just to get the pun in.

[Idi Amin Dada]

Humorous. However, definitely not PC. I'm just waiting to see you flamed.

Personally, I have very strong religious convictions, but if you switched Tibetan Buddhism with what I believe in, it wouldn't faze me because I'd consider you "unenlightened" (and probably in possession of a first-class ticket on the train to whatever hell I can imagine...).

But there are less mature people out there, so I sit here, supposedly working, and checking for new fireworks (er, posts) every few minutes...

P.S. There was an extended outage for several hours on the Dilbert.com domain a couple of days ago. What was that all about?

[Curtis]

Eh. I guess I didn't find the internet part funny because I know that meditation isn't boring. I guess I'm the oddball here. I wouldn't mind living at a Tibetan temple and meditating all day, well, except Tibet is probably really cold.

[JoePike]

Best. Post. Ever.

[JoePike]

I chuckled out loud at your 'choke the chicken' joke. What does that say about me?

[Dan]

"They sit around all day in their bathrobes chanting whatever the Tibetan words are for “I wish I had Internet, I wish I had Internet.” That has to get boring after a few decades."

Classical.

Nearly (but only nearly) as good as the once-in-a-lifetime Sturgeon General...

[Stomper]

So the faithful need to hope that the Dalai Lama reincarnates as someone outside of Chinese jurisdiction, or they better have a good plan for smuggling that baby out of the country, pronto.

Next, the Chinese will order the execution of all male babies born 8-10 months after the current incarnation "advances to the next plane." Almost like King Herod.

--Stomper

[Leonel]

Man! That was funny. A bit disrespectful to Tibetan monks, but then again...

And it does make one think about the absurdities of the political regime of the biggest country in the world. But what can we do? I, for one, have a mind to boycott the TV transmission of the China Olympics. Changing channels is just a click away and there will be lots of alternatives, hopefully.

[SoWhy]

"Chinese controlling reincarnation makes even less sense than the Pope deciding there's not a Limbo anymore."
Good Point. At least, the Pope decided about something fictional his own people invented in the first place.
It's not nice of China to try and control stuff other people invented in their heads - they should follow the Pope's example and try to change stuff they invented themselves first.^^

[Tom NC]

I agree with many of the other comments that this was the funniest post in a while.

However, I am still glad to have heard about Basic Instructions. (to which I have set up an RSS feed) and in the comments for that, I saw a link to xkcd.com, another cartoon which I also find extremely funny.

It's not the destination, it's the journey, and it has been a good journey thus far. Thanks, Scott.

[snowdog]

The Dalai Lama is nesting my attic again! A spiritual metaphor if I ever typed one.

Personally, I enjoy the serious posts every bit as much as the humorous ones. I was enjoying Basic Instructions until he insulted Air Supply and Jim Steinman in the same strip! :P

-Jim

[Shane]

I have to ask for more references to self pleasuring in future posts. This one contained at least 3, but that isn't nearly enough.

[Roger The Shrubber]

If the monks are smart enough, they'll realize that they don't have to own mud to use it, just borrow it for a few minutes.

(Apologies to Lenny Bruce.)

[Diana W]

The Dalai Lama is no dummy. My bet is that he'll come back as Angelina Jolie's next kid. Who needs pebbles for their rice bowls when they have memories of breast feeding from Angie?

[Hokage]

Your desires are significantly influenced by the desires, situations and resources available to the group you are surrounded by everyday. So if monk A ain't gettin his whistle cleaned and so is the same with monk B, chances are they don't mind it at all. Your instincts are quelled. Isn't that nice? Put a tibetan monk in New York, all by himself and he'll probably go nuts and kill himself.

The reincarnation regulation is quite hilarious until the article said that the Dalai Lama has political influence. What is the chinese government going to do? Station an officer at every maternity center? (thats the place isnt it?). Is he gonna stand there and when the crown is showing make a quick visual inspection and test with the lamameter to find if its the Dalai Lama and if yes say " ah ah ah ... you don't proper authorization to reincarnize here. back inside" ... shove shove :).

Funny one.

[Clyde]

Two inverted rice bowls with pebbles. That's...so...HOT....uuuuungh!

[NotNasser]

You started off with a determination to use the expression, "choke the chicken" and the rest of the entry just grew around it, right?

[DarthMommy]

"can the judge order his bailiff to choke the chicken?"

Why is it always the chickens?

[laukaiti5]

Funny, but I could swear I saw a squirrel meditating in the middle of our cul-de-sac and just before the red-tailed hawk swooped down and carried him off, I wondered if he had prepared himself for reincarnation. I mean, other than taking the time during the flight to his inevitable demise. I guess this is one of those strange coincidences you mentioned in an earlier blog. Grim, but interesting.

[Derrill]

@Blob: "Scott, masturbation is a recurring theme in a lot your posts. I'm sure this is somehow significant."

Yes, Scott, tell us about ... your mother.

[Richard@Home]

I find it especially ironic as it appears Mr Scott has reincarnated his sense of humour.

Encore!

[Rod]

One word: excellent!!!

AND I am a buddhist, and I don't mind the jokes. The only thing is that, after laughing my ass off, it makes me sad because it reminds me of the genocide China’s been conducting in Tibet for 55+ yrs, killing more than 50% of the Tibetan population.

[SJ]

Chinese again. I am offended why don't you insult us Indians for a change. You don't love me anymore *sniff*

[J Jetzen]

Finally! you got off the reality bit! Thank you thank you thank you. This was much better and very funny. Keep up these types of posts and we will look into reincarnating you into something nice.
Sincerely,

J

United States Department of Evolution

[Chief]

Worst. Post. Ever.

[DF]

It would be sad if it weren't so true....

[friskybeaver]

I bet they'd accept bribes, but I guess a rice bowl probably wouldn't cut it.

[twounicycles]

Isn't this good news for followers of all religions in China? This avowedly atheistic state is explicitly acknowledging that there is a spiritual dimension to life. Else why try to regulate it?

George Orwell must have had a time machine bringing him news of 21st Century life...

[Avi]

Chinese controlling reincarnation makes even less sense than the Pope deciding there's not a Limbo anymore.

[Khoj]

For emphasis, I will say this again and again and again until the words loose all meaning... "We want more posts like this!" "We want more posts like this!" "We want more posts like this!" "We want more posts like this!" "We want more posts like this!" "We want more posts like this!" "We want more posts like this!" "We want more posts like this!" "We want more posts like this!" "We want more posts like this!" "We want more posts like this!" "We want more posts like this!" "We want more posts like this!" "We want more posts like this!" "We want more posts like this!" "We want more posts like this!" "We want more posts like this!" "We want more posts like this!" "We want more posts like this!" "We want more posts like this!" "We want more posts like this!" "We want more posts like this!" "We want more posts like this!" "We want more posts like this!" "We want more posts like this!" "We want more posts like this!" "We want more posts like this!" "We want more posts like this!" "We want more posts like this!" "We want more posts like this!" "We want more posts like this!" "We want more posts like this!" Wha.... what am I doing here?

[Dave]

"They sit around all day in their bathrobes chanting whatever the Tibetan words are for “I wish I had Internet, I wish I had Internet.” That has to get boring after a few decades."

AHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAH
I just dropped on the floor laughing like a crazy monkey reading this :D:D:D:D:D
You are a genius. If the Dalai Lama could reincarnate into a living person instead of a new born child (or squirrel), i would vote for u.

D.

[Irving]

Very funny :) Except what China is really trying to control is the IDEA of reincarnation, the spiritual belief. Dictatorships hate the hope reincarnation and spirituality brings as much as free thought, freedom of action and freedom of movement. What they can't control, they condemn.

Peace and Blessings!

[E]

Scott wrote: [For example, if you commit a crime, and coincidentally have a heart attack as you are being sentenced to jail, and reincarnate into poultry, can the judge order his bailiff to choke the chicken?]

He shoots... he scores.

[Srini]

"I wish I had internet!" :D

By the way, something screaming "Scott Adams" ... http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/6954728.stm

[You know me well. -- Scott]

[LA Clay]

Hey is that the new Dali "Lamma"?

[Andrew]

Your best blog in a long time! I actually laughed out loud at my desk. Fellow cublicle dwellers turned and looked at me like I was crazy (They thought I was actually doing work)

[Blob]

Scott, masturbation is a recurring theme in a lot your posts. I'm sure this is somehow significant.

[The BGM]

Classical Scott.

This is the reason I started reading this blog. Not blogs about some cartoonist whose cartoons I'll never read - he he he.

[jerry w.]

China manufactures every article of clothing you're wearing?

It goes much farther than that, have you ever been in a Costco store? Walmart?

Quickly as you can, Grasshopper, find any item on the shelf that is not from China.

And if an item is from China, find one that won't poison you, or catch fire if you move too quickly.

I'm waiting kid, you're moving like your grandparents have sex!

Go!

http://boskolives.wordpress.com/

[Sondra]

LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL

[Nic]

Hilarious.