Homo Erectus

I was reading an article about the little hobbit-like creatures discovered in Indonesia. I couldn’t help notice that the article uses the abbreviation “H. Erectus” instead of the full name Homo Erectus. This is presumably to prevent jokes about why we don’t see any of them around these days.

http://www.abc.net.au/science/news/stories/s1230409.htm

I’m crossing my fingers that someday scientists will discover one of these hobbit carcasses encased in amber or whatever-the-hell would allow us to snatch some DNA and clone them. Since they aren’t human, I think cloning would be legal. And although they have heads the size of grapefruits, scientists believe they were smart enough to use tools and hunt tiny elephants. That spells one thing: Hobbit butlers.

I want to be able to order a hobbit butler from a magazine and have it delivered in a box with air holes. My hobbit butler would always wear a tiny tuxedo, mostly for the cuteness. I’d call him Max, because of the irony factor, since he would be so tiny.

Max wouldn’t be bright enough to install a new computer network, or big enough to drive a car, so his utility would be limited. But he’d be perfect for playing ring toss. I’d have him stand at attention on the other side of the room and train him to yell funny things when I got a ring over him, such as “You are the best ring tosser of all times, you magnificent and gigantic bastard!” Best of all, he could pick up the rings and bring them back. If you think I would ever get tired of that, you don’t know me.

For Halloween, I’d get Max a winged monkey costume and dress up as the Wicked Witch. You can’t tell me that wouldn’t win some sort of prize. And I’d make him knock on doors and get candy. He’d clean up.

I might also get a dog so Max could ride it like a horse. When I wanted a Diet Coke from the fridge, Max would ride the dog to the kitchen and get it. Would I ever get tired of that? Not likely.

I’d never have to find the remote control again, because I would use Velcro to attach it to Max’s head. When I wanted to watch TV, I would just whistle and he’d run over and face the TV.

I’m sure there are more uses for a hobbit butler, but none come to mind. What would YOU do with a three-foot tall Homo?

Comments

[Patrick]

I'm tempted to agree !!

[Melissa]

actually the use h.erectus just because its easier. You will find in all text books the genus of a species is usually just the initial. Why bother writing australopithecus more than once. Maybe you should get a life and find something better to do with your time

[TSB]

1. PETA would have a fit
2. As a non-human you'd have to give him shots, license him / her, etc.
3. Children don't fall under 1 or 2 and you have all the equipment to "clone" them...

[Krzysztof Wiszniewski]

I hate to say this Scott, but you must have really had a bad week. Not funny.

[K-2]

Nothing like the sound of small feet around the house, right?

[Cait]

What would I do?

My question is, can it type? Because if I could dictate, and it could type, I'd be the happiest person in the world. No more essay writing, or long days at the computer - no Maximillian would do it for me.

[Silverback]

Trunk Monkey anyone?

[Silverback]

A humanoid Trunk Monkey!

[Silverback]

"Honest to God, you are a frickin natural treasure' and 'You are a sick, sick man' can both be so very true."

Come on - Hes a trained Economist... Cognitive dissonance!

[Silverback]

"Honest to God, you are a frickin natural treasure' and 'You are a sick, sick man' can both be so very true."

Come on - Hes a trained Economist... Cognitive dissonance!

[marry]

when i was in six .iread about homo eractus.it was quite inturesting.i really like it.and i hope u will also like it.

[Glenn]

Perry Homo. Oh, I'm gonna die. Truly, there are some fantastic responses here, to a fantastic post. I love the fact that "Honest to God, you are a frickin natural treasure" and "You are a sick, sick man" can both be so very true. Bravo, Scott.

[Grainbutter]

I'd name him Refill to save time.

[CL]

Hate to be a downer, but perhaps the hobbit butler wouldn't be such a great idea

if they're possibly smart enough to hunt and use tools... how long would it take him to start plotting your untimely demise for making him do all of that stuff...

[i b4 e]

Sure, it's all fun and games until he says "Gee your hair smells terrific."

[Ramachandran R]

I would order for a HOMO that looks exactly like my manager and keep him in office.
Would train him to immediately start giving me a foot massage as soon as my Manager enters the cubicle.
And just when the manager is leaving hte cubicle I would throw a biscuit on the ground and shout "FETCH!!"

[Steven McDaniel]

Actually, subsequent to this great significant discovery, several researchers, according to Wikipedia, have been of the opinion that it was just a retarded pygmy, suffering from 'microencephalitis.' That, of course, must not be true, as it would rain on the parade of those who thought they had discovered significant proof of speciation. And it would render invalid all the artist's impressions I saw in scientific mags, of this wonderful evolutionary discovery. Personally, I'm holding out until they also discover Gandolf, the original Lord of the Ring Tossers.

[yolsgaard]

I'd put them in my garden instead of garden gnomes and use them as garden waterers and home burglary alarm systems (prevents false alarms).

They kind of sound like fat versions of the Harry Potter elves too.

Thanks for the laugh, Scott, I needed it today!

[Mike]

I've always wanted a monkey butler (mostly so I could have poo flung at my enemies with a viable excuse). This would be even better, I think.

What would I do with a three foot tall homo? Why, I'd buy several of them. After all, three foot tall homos are stackable, have the hardware to stay in place, so would make perfect modular foot stools.

Right?

[Dogzz]

I am new to your blog and was reading it while I ate my oatmeal this morning. I thought that it was really funny. I have a great imagination although this little voice in the back of my brain kept saying "it's not real, it's not real", and then I got to the post where someone started talking about rights for the three-footers and I thought "are you kidding?", someone actually thinks that this going to happen.

I would dress mine up like a Napoleonic soldier and have him stand by the fireplace at Christmas time. And during the off-season he could sit on the dashboard... no more bobble-heads for me.

[rita mae]

I was in the hospital again yesterday. I'm posting a day late.

The link you posted included this:

"Scientists have pieced together an image of a hairless, dark-skinned dwarf species with a head the size of a grapefruit, sunken eyes, a flat nose and large teeth and mouth projecting forward with virtually no chin."

I've seen a few of these wandering around. Didn't know they were extinct. Come on, you all know you wanted to say that, but were too afraid to take the chance of degrading a whole class of dark-skinned peoples. Hey, there are dark-skinned peoples in Iraq and Iran. Coincidence?

Don't get made at me, I just quote the article.

Scott, still love you, but still too old (and sick) to stalk you.

Rita Mae

[it's me]

Didn't Dogbert once get an Elf or Christmas since Santa couldn't name him Emperor of the World?

[G]

Prashanth J: [You are clever. Don't blog for the sake of it.I dont mind you not posting on a day rather than posts like this.]

You are dumb. Don't comment for the sake of commenting. I don't mind you not posting on your own blog, but don't whine because someone (anyone!) posts what they damned well please on theirs.

[Jeff]

While I have no opinion on hobbit butlers, I have to say I enjoy these posts much more than your bombastic, is-it-satire-or-isn't-it political diatribes.

[charlie]

Ok, you haven't exactly been on a roll lately, but holy crap this one was funny!!! You earned you pay, whatever that is, today.

[Nitsud Stems]

The possibilities are endless!

Hobbit gladiators! Or at least for H. Erect UFL... Get a team of them and teach them to pick pocket... their cover? Bag boys at the local air port... Unruly children at a local game... Cheerful uumpa luumpas at the local mall. Or I can skip all that by breeding mini-ninjas who can be professional assassins or thieves.

How about in a carnival setting? Hobbit curling. Across water... not ice *ouch* Or hobbit body guards/escorts that can go on rides and keep children company while you go drinking. Or bowling. A trampolines and velcro walls have numerous applications...

I guess in general my ideas revolve around using them as minions to become head of my own crime syndicate... or rigged betting... or some ensemble of cute little sub-humans performing in such a way that I make money.

*Note* I envision all this with happy hobbits.. I don't or wouldn't actually endorse cruelty to or inhumane acts of mental or physical. I have the perfect temperament/morality for a minion...

[naz]

You wouldn't win the fancy dress party, because Alec Baldwin would buy 7 Herectuses and dress up as Snow White. He already has the costume.

[Bill]

Scott, you're forgetting an important detail... even a 3-foot hunter-gatherer can easily beat YOU up.

As far as getting the DNA... there's lots of DNA in tar pit animals. Maybe you'd have better luck with a dire wolf than any of our relatives... less likely to turn on you.

[Dan K]

Terrorists have an irrational fear of midgets, so I think we should strap them to rockets and launch them at suspected terror hideouts. There is already a plan for this but it involved leprekauns which presented a problem, easily solved by clonable hobbits.

[Loser]

The beer holder comment reminded me... I have a vague memory of a joke about wanting a girlfriend who was three feet tall with big ears and a flat head.

[Alan]

"Teach mine to sign and name him Perry Homo"

Now that's some funny shit!!

[JD]

From today's (Thursday) "Inthebleachers".

http://tinyurl.com/2dsbte

Looks like you have a "soul buddy".

[Bob]

A lot of people believe that even lifeforms that are evidently not human (i.e. animals) should not be humiliated. I am not like that, because then I would be 'one of those animal lovers'.
I even eat them, although they are mass-produced in large factories, never see the sunlight, have no normal life whatsoever. But I don't care, they're just animals, aren't they. They have no intelligence, no free will, therefore I am superior and can I do with them whatever I like.
Mr. Adams, please keep blogging.

[pradeep]

errr.are the female of the species lesbian?

[Stuart]

"What would YOU so with a three foot tall Homo?"

I'd get him to write a set a daily comics about a work related environment, so I could get on with perfecting my ring toss technique.
or

[David Byrne]

I would train him to dry hump guests on arrival at my home... And then just brush it off saying, "don't mind him, I think he likes you"

[Enough Wealth]

I'd breed up a viable population of H. Floresiensis, establish small settlements of them on each continent, teach them some advanced tool making skills (and possibly written language), and then let loose a customised bio-weapon that kills H. Sapiens but not H. Floresiensis.

Since it was apparently just the restricted diet that led to H. Floresiensis small stature, a few hundred thousand years of unrestricted diet should see them evolve to a larger size and bigger brain.

Maybe they'd do a better job as the most intelligent species on the planet than we managed.

ps. Just kidding - I have a couple of 3-ft H. Sapiens running around the house, so I'd design the bioweapon to only kill off mature H. Sapiens -- a bit like that episode of Star Trek TOS.

Regards
http://enoughwealth.com

[Kevin]

Maybe you should consider reading Shozo Numa's "Yapoo and the human cattle". You would find LOTS of different uses for such an "animal", some much more entertaining than a troubled mind could even imagine.

Respects.

[Nicholas]

I'd need about 9 or 10 of them dressed in green Tux(s), give them all a pot fulled with those chocolate coins covered in gold wrapping. Then move to Ireland and get them to run fugitively around the country side, especially in areas with where lots of rainbows appear, and there are lots of pubs.

[yeti]

Hmmm... maybe if there was a prehistoric version of dilbert.. (similar to flintstones) some of the charectors would be "hobberts"... !

[Simon]

Scott,

I loved that - hilarious. You know what? You should do comedy for a living.

[Oli]

How do horses ride dogs?

Http://ramblingsofanofficeworker.blogspot.com

[Tony]

You might hear . . .

"You are the best ring tosser of all times, you magnificent and gigantic bastard"

But what he's saying is . . .

"You are the biggest tosser of all times, you mutated gigantic freak"

:-)

[Oli]

Ild dress him as an oompa loompa annd make him sing songs all day.

http://lonelyplanet.evolutiondirectory.com

[T.G.]

[Hey Scott, what happened to that "Best response" post you had out here earlier today?]

I was wondering the same but then I remembered how easy and lucrative is to fill lawsuits against wealthy people in your country. I don't think many people that can take your money away would allow for subtleties like "disclaimer, i am against public humor of x group of people, that said lets go on, how many x do you need to paint a wall?" If there are many posts like this i would expect real trouble besides all the "sarcasm", "irony", "mind experiment" or whatever. Maybe the irony is that there is none and a lot of people just follow the "subtle" mocking of minorities and disabled and think that they are genius. Looks like a fine monkey dance to me, hehe.
Of course ... I don't get it at all :P well ... do you mind to throw some coins as i dance for your entertainment? :)

[Frank]

I love this. Maybe because I'm a nerdy alcoholic and I'm pretty lit right now. But I love this!

[jerry w.]

The best thing about having a three foot tall houseboy is that when people ask if you really like having him around, you could say "Why yes, I'm nuts over him".

The hard part might be keeping a straight face while doing so.

You'll enjoy calling him "Odd Job", and have him answer any of your requests with "Of course, Mr. Bond".

http://boskolives.wordpress.com/

[The Hammer]

Didn't read any comments, so this may be a repeat. Are you not talking about owning your own umpa-lumpa's?

[SirDrinksalot]

Wouldn't it be cheaper to buy a midget slave from the third world? Just be sure to buy a leash.

[sue]

Perhaps I'm biased because I like your blog. I often have differing opinion
from yours. Sometimes it is better to differ each other because it gives a
totally new perspective in our outlook. I honestly believe yours is one of
the best blogs on the web. Thanks for the nice work. :-)

[Joe]

As we are still evolving, perhaps we can treat the people with Ripperitis as though they were 3 foot tall homos.

Wouldn't be as much fun though.

[matt]

The DNA won't survive in amber, it would just crystallize.

[Tanmay Bhat]

Scott, if you've ever read Harry Potter, you'd know about house elves. This is very similar to that concept.

[Jon]

I would train mine to do the robot dance on command. That would also never get old.

[Richard H.]

Bodyguard.

If any tough guys try to pick a fight with me... BAM! Right to the groin.

[Anon]

It would be great to have tiny elephants, just like miniature horses. I'd keep one in the backyard.

People have pot belly pigs as pets, why not a miniature elephant?

[Rosemary]

I'd have him sit in front of my while I watched TV and use his head as a foot rest.

Tie a bone to his head and make him run around my yard to exercise my dog.

Make him carry speakers around behind me so I could have a musical soundtrack to my life.

Use him as a footstool when I can't reach the top shelf in the kitchen. Chairs can be dangerous.

Lend him to my superiors at work for their own dirty pleasures. It will make me memorable around promotion time. (Of course, this isn't that practical since I don't have an office job, but it's a damn good idea.)

[Jason]

That was the funniest post I yet... coincidentally you are probably one notch closer to the proverbial hell.

[Gerry]

I'd imagine he'd shout "You giant tosser", instead.

[Venkatdeep]

Goodness!! You're saying its legal to clone George Bush!!

[Kevin Kunreuther]

Max could your very own personal Monkey Dancer! He could boogie exactly like that creepy CGI baby that used to be so popular back in the ninties a la Ally McBeal.

[Bloggy]

"So... what social groups have we managed to insult today?
- Queers. Check.
- Midgets. Check.
- Latinos. Check.
- Dead people. Check."

Dead people are a social group now?

@#$%in' zombies. Ahmo start a clan.

[Bernardo Gallegos]

I love your blogs more than I love my brother, not all my brothers, just my half brother that lives in Chicago. I dont like him. Anyway, I truly believe that these hobbits were predecessors to midgets. I feel that modern man bred with them, and since there were so few (hobbits) they eventually dissipated. As humans we still have the gene, hence we get annomalies such as midgetry and dwarfism. Just my theory. Anyone agree. Im sure there was a better way to word this.

[Mokkery]

This why you’re a famous artist, while I sit in a cubicle answering emails from imbeciles.

Good grief.

[Nic]

What did happen to the 900lb goalie?

[DWH]

All I know, is that there wouldn't be any tiny Homos in Iran!
I would get one just to answer all the solicitation calls at dinner time.

[Bromond]

I would order several, and form a lollipop guild...or maybe even a lullaby league.

[Kendra]

sounds like you just need a kid lol

[Tutu]

I'd get a special order hobbit butler with flat head and very stiff spine, then I would make him follow me around all the time and stand close when I am not moving so I have somewhere convenient to rest my beer, soda or whatever I am drinking.

If they come in slightly attractive female versions, the flat head would still be the key but a second exercise a lady could do at that height comes to mind.

[Free William]

If I lived in Iran I would probably keep my Homo locked in the closet but as I live in a "free country" I expect he would be more than happy to come out.

[Bjornstjerne]

Dress them like garden gnomes and make them stand still in the front lawn. Then, when curious passersby stop for a closer look, train the "gnomes" to scare them half to death (with pitchforks, hoes, etc.).

[Raph]

a 3 foot tall Homo? well its hard to think of a reason that is G rated.

I think I'd use them as a humourous substitute for furniture.

[Fury]

I would buy 32 of them and create a live action chess set. Although I guess you would need a subsription to replace the players that were eliminated. Either that or you play the game like marbles, the more pieces you take the larger your H. E. army grows

Alternatively they could be put to work for the IRS. Could you imagine anything scarier than a 3 foot tall auditor with a financial probe?

[Dave]

I was wondering if I ordered one and it was delivered to my work place, and on the PA system they announce "Dave your little homo is arrived in shipping..." That would be hard to live down. I'd get nicknames like "Gandalf the Gay" or something.

[Drone74B]

I'd dress him up to look like me. People would think that it's actually me but much farther away. Imagine their surprise...

[Maurice]

yes but you would of course be sued into oblivion by JRRT's estate for The use of Hobit (tm)

[Melanie]

I love that you used the word 'miasma' in today's cartoon.........

[Matt]

Dammit.

I hate making a post when someone has already beaten me to the punchline.... :/

[Matt]

I can't believe that you forgot about dressing both him and yourself in white suits; standing at an arrival gate at the airport with him randoming yelling: "The plane, Boss! The plane!" before greeting people with a lei and saying: "Welcome to Fantasy Island" in your best Latino voice.

So... what social groups have we managed to insult today?
- Queers. Check.
- Midgets. Check.
- Latinos. Check.
- Dead people. Check.

Damn... I must be slipping... :(

[Jason Allen]

I certainly wouldn't try what you suggest. They may not been as sophisticated as modern humans, the Indonesian "hobbits" were smart enough to hunt with weapons. I think I want my obituary to read that I was hunted down by a pissed off primitive three foot hobbit with a spear.

[P3T3RK3Y5]

thanks for this provocateur -

the Battlestar Galactica series does an incredible job of presenting some of these “what makes us human” questions. if you think intelligence is sexy you might be inclined to believe that humans are getting smarter. perhaps this is true of dolphins and other species as well. but if ever there were a gray area - cloning one of our evolutionary ancestors / biological cousins would provoke it.

we need to start thinking about what makes us human - and with a marked humbleness. we need to figure out who or what, shares (enough of) those characteristics with us to rise above the status of “play toy”.

the Saruman comment is right on. just wait till the next bush-cheney evilness persona in power finds out that a scientist may be able to clone Neanderthal - they’ll find a way to be pro-cloning in pico-seconds.

[hma]

I would sent my three foot tall hobbit to a dangerous journey and have him write a trilogy about it.

But seriously, I always knew that some day politically correct media would stop using the h word. Now, on behalf of all ancient gay-upright persons and lesbian-genous mixtures, I ask you and you readers to stop using the h word. If We all do this, maybe in the future, even alternative lifestyle-overweight-acids will be treated with respect.

[Gandalf]

Scott, while this sounds like a wonderful idea you must remember that a hobbit is more likely to destroy any "ring" that you throw at it than return it.

Just a thought.

[Justin C]

Just please spay and newter your little homos.

[Ethan]

If you want a small humanoid who's mentally inferior, and can ride a dog and trick-and-treat for you, have a kid!
Adopt a retarded one if you're concerned it'll eventually outsmart you and put you in the Dogbert home for the elderly.

[DrJon]

> I'm crossing my fingers that someday scientists will discover one of these hobbit carcasses encased in amber or whatever-the-hell would allow us to snatch some DNA and clone them.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Orang_Pendek

> Since they aren't human, I think cloning would be legal.

They're prolly more "human" than many homo sapiens. I can think of a few pointy-haired bosses, for instance...

[JD]

Hey Scott, what happened to that "Best response" post you had out here earlier today?

[Chris]

Max? gee i thought 'Tattoo' would be the go...

[Jan]

Do they come in female versions?

But then again, hairy feet... ugh.

[Kyle]

LMAO... hilarious post Scott!

[Sibs]

For the record, H. erectus is standard scientific abbreviation for the genus. You would also find C. lupis for a wolf, for instance.

My nit-picking biology major ways aside, I would advocate the cloning of small elephants and large komodo dragons and set up a hobbit village/cave village for anthropological study. Because I'm lame that way. But I'd probably have them fetch drinks if they happened to be in the lab. Why not?

[Leonel]

Yes... You do fit the profile of a ring tosser... You, in your dark tower. Don't you know that even the smallest person can change the course of the future?

[Ray Smuckles]

Once again, you prove there are two types of people:

a) those whose sides hurt from laughing so hard

and

b) the dumbest fucks imaginable

When mine arrives, I'll teach him to sing and name him Perry Homo.

[Adrianne]

Forget the homo, I'm gonna dress my 3-year-old as a flying monkey for Halloween! (We were gonna dress up as the cast from Little Miss Sunshine, but figured nobody would get it.) Thanks! You're my favorite!

[Adrianne]

Forget the Homo butlers! You just gave me an idea for my 3-year-old's Halloween costume. Thanks!

[Adrianne]

Forget the Homo butlers! You just gave me an idea for my 3-year-old's Halloween costume. Thanks!

[DanW]

Scott,

I would not have thought a piece about an extinct animal could have offended so many of your readers.

Once again I have underestimated the level of sensitivity people are willing to go just to appear 'understanding'.

[Mark Thorson]

Didn't Michael Jackson keep
two of these butlers at his
Neverland Ranch?

[Jeremy]

Wait a minute...the article said Homo Erectus (the full sized one) may have evolved into the Flores Man (the hobbit one). Wouldn't that be devolving?

[bitguru]

Great idea! Too bad we'd need more than DNA to clone one.

[murpasa]

teach him to sing and you've got an oompa loompa!

[Ian]

I think all the Maxes and Maxines would escape and find their way into the sewers, where they'd create their own little Hobbit Hole society. Eventually they'd become horrible pre-human vermin with their own eradication industry sprouting around them (including vans with caricatured hobbits on the roofs). Eventually some enterprising arms dealer would realise they'd be a great market for second hand uzis and other little guns, sell them some heat (which they'd finance through stealing, using their small size to creep into houses at night - note they'd have no compunction about murdering the "Biguns") and then start the sewage revolution. They'd use the kerb-side grates as ideal bunkers, shooting out car tyres and pedestrians, taking over cities block by block.

Creepy little hobbits.

[Prashanth J]

The article was a real bullshit and am surprised you could turn that bullshit into a post.It wasn't too funny. You are clever. Don't blog for the sake of it.I dont mind you not posting on a day rather than posts like this.

[jemand]

what happened to the funniest observation of the day? How many posts DO disappear, anyway?

[Pete]

Well, I wouldn't use them as hockey goalies...

[Andy]

[I would elect him President of the United States, could do worse than the one you have already, and he would perhaps look less like a monkey too !]

We Did.

[DFerrans]

Um...hate to break it to all of you, but there's a guy named Willy Wonka who already stole your ideas and has a whole factory of these hobbit-slaves. He's been hiding what he's doing from the locals for years...except for a couple of dumb kids he let in last year on a bet. He abused them in such bizarre ways it pretty much guaranteed nobody would believe anything they said, Hobbit-slave "save us" messages included.

You can tell they're all from the same bit of DNA because they're identical. One of the parents smuggled out this photo on their cell phone:

http://imdb.com/gallery/ss/0367594/Ss/0367594/CCFC-102.jpg.html?hint=tt0367594

DDF
-=-=

[Simon]

Oh, that's easy. I would train mine to fight other Homos. I think I would ask my neigbour to lend me his kid for his training sessions.

Then I would sell this concept to MTV for millions of dollars.

[Ace]

"What would YOU do with a three-foot tall Homo?"

Though I'm too lazy to actual look, I'm willing to make a guess at the not-inconsiderable percentage of commenters that will bite on that obvious bait (pun intended)....

[Anti-slaver]

Well, hummans (Homo Sapiens) come inall shapes and sizes and are much cheaper.

You could always give a scholaship to a group of third world country boys and girls (orpans preferably), I am positive that it would be cost effective and while giving them education (on their free time of course, thats why i said a group, so that you still have 7/24 buttler service).

It would beat Wallmart's sweat shop as a job, would eat better, get better education and i am sure would learn to appretiate the ring game. (Move around a little and say funny thing when you fail ;] ) If properly design by your lwayer and accountant, i am pretty shure it would be even tax deductible.

If some one starts yelling "slavery", don´t know, like que UN, you can stay coll, after all US gives no right to inmigrants anyway.

Of curse, this is a joke, no seriously, I am kidding, I swear. Rats!, I hate when reality imitates fantasy.

[Drew]

How about getting 5 or 6 of them. Name them Dilbert, Pointy Haired Boss, etc...

Each day they could dress up and act out the latest Dilbert comic strip. Video it and put it on YouTube. You could even build a miniature office in a spare bedroom complete with cubicles and a water cooler. I smell a trip to the Sundance Film Festival in my future.

Scott, why not include one of these folks in your strip? Then dogbert could have his own pet.

[Amit]

I would make my homo hobbit reach the most non-reachable corners of my house when i lose some bloody thing and reach the most non-reachable areas of my body when the bastard starts itching. Both happen at the most unwanted time of the hour. And also his size suits the job:D

By the way, great to see a total "Scott Adams"ish post finally. Was fed up with senselessly strolling through your last few posts, that too without commenting.

[Ivan]

You forgot the 3 ft homo erectus will need to eat, crap, sleep, will get horny and need a female, need training so he won't eat your cat, will need a weekly bath or you neighbors will complain, a veterinarian (or a doctor?), vaccines, a licence, plus you will face problems with the new SAVE the HOMO ERECTUS.org. Good Grief! Keep that thing extint!!

[Bob]

Scott, there is something very wrong with you. It's funny!

[Rocky]

Firstly, he would be given a Great Dane and a broom. The dog would be his noble steed and the broom his trusty lance. I would then knight him as Lord Minikins, Warden of the Streetward Marches (my front lawn). In keeping with feudal tradition I would grant him a great fief on which to grow tiny crops (also my front lawn). His main purpose would be to defend my home from anything that wanders by. Things will stop wandering by when a three foot tall hobbit riding a great dane attempts to lance them with a broom. All the while I will watch from my living room window, fully prepared to yell 'Hazaah!' when the Hobbit Knight vanquishes my neighbors.

[ughbert]

You don't need a hobbit.....you just need a dog. They'll always bring back the rings, they always think their owners are magnificent bastards, and people are always dressing up them up (ok bad idea).

Plus if you're abusing a small person (velcro on their head), then you're probably going to be visited by Chris Hansen and Dateline......

[tim shepard]

The best part is, he'd be incredibly clumsy, dirty, and vicious. And as strong as a 3 foot tall Baboon.

[Marxist]

Yay! 3-foot gays!

[Dusty_Duster]

"Will the hobbit come in a female version? Maxine? A whole new set of uses."

Dear god, I don't want to think about that.

[Alan]

What happened to the 900 pound goalie?

On the current subject (mixed in with the missing 900 pound guy) Do you think that the hobbit people would become snacks for those in the 900 pound class? Can you imagine the credit card bills for ordering from 1-800-hob-bite?

Alan

[Bill Tkach]

Mini me!

[Candice]

Goodness gracious! I What brought this on? :/

I have a small male child who runs around dressed in armor that smells faintly of smoked Atlantic salmon… but he's always losing the remote control! LOL!

[Berimbauone]

I only like baby pets. I think they'd be cute as babies, but then they'd get weird to look at.

I would probably enslave them and create an off-shore manufacturing city-state; I'd call it the Republic of "I can't Believe it's not China". Our GDP would rise astronomically as we underbid other emerging economies for manufacturing outsourcing, then we would expand to customer service centers "Hello, my name is Maxie, how may I provide Hobbstastic service to you today?".

Other countries would inevitably get jealous, so as long as we're cloning, I'd whip-up a flying-Hobbit airforce for defense. They'd fling warning shots of crap and escalate to molotovs and kamikazi attacks. During times of peace we'd hold the Hobblympics.

I'd proclaim myself emperor MUHAHAHAHA!!!

http://berimbauone.blogspot.com

[Terry]

Scott, Where you fishing for a looks like it's time to have a kids comment?
You can do most of that stuff with a kid. Sometimes they even say you are wonderful without asking.

[Milo Johnson]

BJ. You did say he was a homo.

[Shawn F]

Scott -

I would give all the short homos a dirty sock to free them from their evil masters! Oh... my bad, that is only for house elf's...

Wrong era and wrong story,

-Shawn

[Ale]

Would you offended little people readers and offended little people defenders find it so offensive if the joke was about a prehistoric hominid with three balls?

Anyway: deja-vu, right?

[Bedpuddle]

I'd name mine Dupey and teach him to surf because it would be a spectacle.

[Erich]

I'd order a bunch of them and have myself a plantation.

[Dan]

If Max can fetch sodas and get candy from the neighbors he should be capable of seting up a computer network... he'd be at least as bright as several Network Admins I know.

[Nick]

I would elect him President of the United States, could do worse than the one you have already, and he would perhaps look less like a monkey too !

[Kathy]

I just read the book 'Sims' By F. Paul Wilson. Good read on this subject, I recommend it.

In the near future, sims-chimpanzees enhanced with human DNA created by a company called SimGen-are used as cheap labor and medical guinea pigs.

[David]

You're free, Homo, free.

[DF]

First of all, I would want two of the little homos, and i want them to be female. Second, I would sell my TV, I would no longer need it as my two little homos in maid outfits would perform a show for me every evening. I don't think I would ever get tired of that.

[David, Hungary]

Well Scott, looking down the comments, I guess you need to dress Max in a monkey suit and teach him to dance - there are not enough of them sending you emails today to satisfy your quota.

Maybe the responses reflect that the ones with lower reading comprehension really are refusing to read your blogs now (this test being the real reason you wrote the blog in the first place – you really are what in England is commonly called a "crafty bugger" !).

[Lise]

You are a sick, sick man.

[Oliver]

I really think you are limiting yourself by thinking of just 1 3 ft. tall butler. You would need at least 2, and in practical terms 2 3 ft. butlers could be so much better than 1 6 ft. butler. Whereas your 1 3 ft. butler can't drive a car, your pair can drive perfectly, with 1 steering and 1 working the peddles (they may have to drive an automatic). But then when you aren't requiring them to big people things, your pair of butlers frankly win hands down over your six footer. A good butler is practically invisible, how much easier when you can fit into a cupboard? How can your mind not imagine them serving food/drinks from under giant trays that completely obscure them from view? Walking tables!

It really doesn't stop there though, if you can afford 2 why not a small army of butlers, your wicked witch costume now has a whole new dimension and your trick or treating yields much better rewards. And why stick to a ring toss game when you can play midget bowling. Imagine what the pins could say as you get a strike!

[gus]

I'd call him beetlejuice and try to get him on the Howard Stern show.....

[Bundy]

I would have him crawl behind my entertainment center whenever I need a new electronic hooked up. He may not be able to install a new computer network, but surely he has the intelligence to match red to red and yellow to yellow.

[Luis]

Scott, it was pretty funny, but to tell the truth is a little bit discriminating in so many ways. And people could really get offended, for example myself I felt like it was discriminating to latinamerican people for some comment about "I have them clean windshields". I know you just wanted to share your comments and thank you for it, I read you everyday, but why all your readers start saying ridicoulus conclusions? maybe only we that write back.

Nevertheless, Scott keep writing. I'd better not read the stupid comments of the other fellows, they always sux (maybe just like this one)

[Adrian]

'Since they aren’t human" -- They are called "Homo" what do you think that means?

[Gabriel Luci]

This reminds me of the song, "If I Only Owned a Midget" by Benefit: http://www.lyrics007.com/Benefit%20Lyrics/If%20I%20Owned%20A%20Midget%20Lyrics.html

[Skeletor]

Interesting post.

Why not hire a midget then huh? Dont have to clone anybody..just get a midget. Some talk shows have one too. They are apparently quite popular these days.

Velcro on head and dog riding sounded funny. If the herectus are dumber than us, perhaps its not a good idea to let an untrained one around especially with guests lest u want a leg-humping fest.

Or..how about a kid? Perhaps an adopted one? I can volunteer for that. You can guardianize and I can revel in ur everyday quips and perhaps build a death star with ur wealth. I am good at eroding wealth.

[Rich T.]

I saw some documentary about this a couple of months ago on Discovery channel or something. There's doubt as to whether a new people has been discovered, or just a few isolated remains of deformed individuals of another people.

[Alex]

What about an oompa loompa suit, and orange face paint. then him punish the children with song.

And lets not forget about the chocolate.

now would they look all the same (like in the new wonka movie) or would each one be a little different.

[Rich T.]

Today's quality blog entry makes me wonder how you, the concerned humanitarian, view adults in our society who ARE actually 3 feet tall?

[I think they should have hobbit butlers too. -- Scott]

[Michael Simone]

I'd make my three-foot tall homo yell, "Da Plane, boss, da Plane!" every 60 minutes.

[The Toad]

I'd make him wear a Sombrero hat, full of Nacho Chips round the outside, and a well of Salsa in the middle on top of his head, and invitehave him wander around the room as I entertained friends with drinks & nibbles.

He'd love it.

[Okay, that's quite funny. -- Scott]

[helton]

I would get a couple of H. Erectus and have them starting a H. Erectus family!

them I would send them to the streets to clean wind-shields and beg at the entry of churchs.

if that didn't make me rich then I would buy them weapons and rent them to the US gov, it is time to share the profits of so many wars!

[Jabba]

Hmmm, well, much like the fat guy in the deleted post, I wouldn't use him as a hockey goalie (and the fat guy still wouldn't cover a 4-by-6 foot space. the upper corners of the goal would always be open, and that's all most players need to shoot at. without a quick person - aka not a fat guy - those corners would always be exposed and the other team would have a delightful day scoring... that's why a fat guy wouldn't work, in case you were still wondering).

I think the hobbit could sweep under couches, beds, etc. He can also change the oil in your car without doing a lot of crouching. that's a plus.

[minister of silly walks]

My luck I'd get the one with the ring. I never would be able to find the little bastard.

[HALiverpool]

That's just so wrong on so many levels...

-HAL

[BigWheels]

Scott,
Did you notice the name credit for the picture in this article? Homo erectus and Peter Brown (or Brown, Peter, if you prefer) all in the same article. Coincidence?

[Bjornstjerne]

I might use mine like you would yours, but when he misbehaved, I'd punish him by dutch-rubbing the grapefruit.

[chmee]

"What would YOU do with a three foot tall Homo?"

Direct.

[bn]

OK, I laughed... but you do realize this is insulting to Little People?

[James Yeamans]

sooooo, now you want to piss off the "little people"? Man, you are really asking for now. You'd better watch your self or they will "cut you down to size", if you know what I mean.

[T.G.]

"big" people, then "short" people (or sort of) ... I like it more when you just make fun out of brains, but hey, that's only me and my brain (or sort of).

[WanderingDutchman]

Scott,
Do we really have any idea of the accuracy of aging fossils? It just seems in stories like this one we could be off by a couple million years and no one would know...

However on the 3' homo question.
1. I'd get the irony to a couple of levels and call him Wilt.
2. I'm not very smart but I can lift heavy things so Wilt would have a handle on his back (no waiting around for the guy with the short legs).
3. He could listen to the phone and say "Yeah" every 1/2 hour.
4. Invisible fence, dog collar and tire iron. I can stop payments to ADT.
5. Set up the hobbit redneck olympics. Hobbits competing in the redneck arts, greased pig chasing, hobbit pulls, hobbit bog races etc....
6. Designated firework lighter on the 4th. Now maybe we can get the good stuff.

[Sondra]

As I was reading this, I was thinking, Jeez, you're so cruel, objectifying this poor little ...Velcro on his Head!!!! and then I laughed so hard the tears ran down my face. Thank you.

[Noah Vaile]

You, Scott, epitomize all that Sauron strived to be. Congratulations:+))

[Karl]

"My hobbit butler would always wear a tiny tuxedo, mostly for the cuteness. I’d call him Max, because of the irony factor, since he would be so tiny."

One of my favorite forms of humor is repetitiveness. But on my monitor, "tiny tuxedo" was perfectly aligned with "so tiny". Both "tiny"s were PERFECTLY ALIGNED ! It couldn't be funnier. 'Specially since repetitiveness is my favorite form of humor.

That's some superior, godlike, bestest ring-tosser extraordinaire writing right there. You gigantic bastard.

BTW, I heard Midget Tossing has become illegal (damn U.N.). I'm sure Hobbit tossing would be loads of fun.

Until steroids and free agency kills the game.

I for one would open a chocolate factory.

[Misanthropic Scott]

Wow this is a bizarrely species-ist posting on your part Scott.

As for Homo Erectus vs. H. Erectus, it is common in scientific pubs for the first reference to the genus to be spelled out and thereafter abbreviate it by its first letter.

Sorry, the scientists aren't quite as Homo Phobic as you thought. They are just sticking with boring convention.

[Billy Arvia]

Scott,

I had started a reply but the television caught my ear. The movie is Billy Madison. The line that was being recited is "Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."

Somehow this seemed like a more fitting comment. LOL

http://triplebee.squarespace.com/journal/2007/9/26/big-billys-bits.html

[William Skyvington]

I'm reminded of the guy who strolled into a bar, took a 15-inch tall hobbit out of his coat pocket and set him down in front of the piano. The little guy played amazing jazz.

"Where did you find such a fabulous hobbit pianist?" asked the proprietor.

"It's a complicated story. One night, during a tempest, I helped an old lady cross over a busy road. On the other side, she was terribly grateful for my help. She told me she was a witch, and would like to thank me by granting me a magic wish. The wind and the rain were so strong that I don't think she heard me correctly. In any case, I ended up with this 15-inch pianist."

[Paul K]

Thanks for the brain-break between posts about serious topics.

I think the first time my friends were over after I bought him, I'd dress him exactly like me. Then he'd answer the door and say "Thank God you're here! The experiment went horribly wrong!!"

After that, he'd basically be a beverage and snack fetcher.

OOhh! Just thought of one: You know the guy in History of the World Part I that carries around the piss bucket? He'd be PERFECT for that!

[Evo2Me]

Any animal in the genus Homo is a human by definition; some [me included] argue that Australopithecines are human, too. Peter Singer made the case that at least the species now making up the genus Pan should really be included with Homo.

What would one do with a small H. erectus? Probably the same H. sapiens does to one another - anything from mild slavery through serfdom to murder, rape and throwing babies from swings for America's Funniest Home Video and YouTube.

[Dilbert's Rabbi]

Is THIS the penis joke everyone was expecting with the last post?

[Dan]

I thought where you were going with this article was "human rights" versus "animal rights". You had this being be sentient enough to talk and listen to command but not sentient enough that he can be treated as a slave. This does raise ethical issues, if evolution is true (if??) then how would we treat "sub"-humans?

[cMAD]

What to do with creatures that are almost, but not quite, considered human beings?

No idea ...
I'll need to get some inspiration what to do with them from Strom Thurmond. Or, better yet, from Thomas Jefferson.

In any case, it will probably have to do with the pursuit of happiness in some way or another.

[TriFish]

Mr. Scaramanga had this in the 007 movie, Man with the Golden Gun. Remember Tatoo?

[ShaunL]

It’s all ha-ha-ha, until they get bigger and less cute and start crapping behind the sofa. That’s when they get flushed down the toilet and the kids get told that little Maxie has gone to hobbit heaven.

Meanwhile their numbers swell in their subterranean sewer lair. Thousands of little hobbit minds feverishly plotting their revenge.

TWO LEGS GOOD/SHORT LEGS BETTER…

[David Anthrope]

I'd have him taste-test your blog posts daily and let me know when you're done rattling the cages of the poo-tossing-dancing monkeys and have returned to being funny.

Kinda like today.
Where the hell was my hobbit earlier this week though?!

Dancing monkeys aren't nearly as funny as a hobbit reading this blog trying to figure out if you're being serious or just an asshole ("Gee should I let master read this one?").

[RPK]

What happened to the fat goalie entry? I wanted to see how many people thought the 900-pound guy should be drafted by the Red Wings.

[Brian]

Michael Vick must seem like a pretty decent guy when put in the same room as you...

Smart enough to hunt = Scott gets killed in his sleep by army of tiny homos for all the humiliation he caused.

Moral of the story - love your homos and your homos will love you... as much as you desire.

[rob kay]

I'd train him to work perfectly level, then attach a table to his head. Three words: walking coffee table. During power outages I'd put a candle on the table and get beautiful light walking just a foot in front of me.

There are disadvantages, though. It would only be a matter of time before Paris Hilton, or some other pop-tart, starts carrying one around as a fashion accessory. Then, I suppose I could still use one, but it just wouldn't be the same.

[RPK]

A 3-foot tall homo? That's the perfect size for...well you know.

[John Elliot]

Start saving toward the hobbit butler reparations judgment.

[Chris]

Hmm seems like were missing a post? What happened to the one about the fat hockey goaley?

As far as what Id do with a 3foot tall butler? Id build myself a catapult, strap a helmet on them and see how far I could launch them on a football field. Extra points if I can make it through the uprights :)

[Ashok Subbarama]

Scott,

Are you an organ donor? If yes, and when you die, I suggest someone qualified harvest your brain .. I do believe that by studying your brain, we might find the cure for so many of the ills plaguing mankind. We all know "Empty mind is a Devils workshop" but would love to know what matter/anti-matter your brain is filled with.

The only thing (I would assume its a thing) that would be happier than a Hobbit would be a midget ...

Sincerely,
-Ashok

[Lone Wolf]

Someone who rides the subway and buys nosebleed seats to a tennis tournament is going to shell out the cash to buy a cloned H. Erectus? Riiiiiight.

[Greg]

A three-foot homo? I'm sure for the average - umm - height modern male interested in "those sorts of things," a three-foot homo is pretty much perfect. You can call it a butler if you like, service is service.

Wow.

[G]

I would also have a tray with velcro on, and he'd follow me about so i'd never be stuck for a place to put my pint again.

[LA Clay]

R2 D2 comes to mind first. Second, SHE'd make a great camera operator for those private moments

[Real Live Girl]

I'm going to take a pass on the mail order homo erectus. I'm a little worried there may be times when he's going to live up to his name, and I'm not fond of little creatures humping my leg. I'm funny that way.

[jdw242b]

I'm afraid to grace that question with an answer, but the first thing that comes to mind is ball scratcher; if it's hair is short and wiry.

[E]

Scott,

I would send him to Austin Cline's house and have him say repeatedly, "there's really no practical difference between weak atheists and agnostics... as far as you know."

On a related note, I heard on a radio program a few months back that slavery is still a problem in some parts of the world, with current species.

Apparently, you can buy a Cambodian for about $100 US, in some places.

I was thinking of getting a couple, then setting them free and helping them acquire US citizenship after about 6 months. Not a bad deal for them really, and I would never have to lift or carry anything ever again. Everybody wins.

And yes, all you trolling, dancing, monkey bastards, I'm just kidding. About the slaves, not about Austin Cline.

[MrChris]

Wow, this is about as far as you can get from the extremely confrontational political posts of the last couple of days.

Send a couple of them down the market to do your shopping for you!

[Jon]

Always after me Lucky Charms...

[Robin Byrd]

Scott, you and I must have the same programmer. Just last night my husband and I decided to dress our 2 2/3 year old daughter as a flying monkey for Halloween. I'm going to be the Wicked Witch and he is going to be Scarecrow because I wish he had a brain.

[Raphael]

You don't have him, but you sure sound like you already love Max.
Come to think of it, riding the dog like a horse sounds kinda fun.
Wish I was three-foot tall.... *sigh*

Scott,

Regarding your first paragraph: In scientific publications, the genus is often abbreviated, especially after the full species name has been mentioned once. Most probably, the article is an excerpt or a summary of a more comprehensive one where the full species name "Homo erectus" has been mentioned before.

(If they wanted to avoid "Homo" per se, they would have not used it in the image caption to the right, right?)</