Turd is the Word

Being a syndicated cartoonist isn’t as glamorous as people imagine. For example, the other day I spent about an hour trying to come up with a word as funny as turd. Ultimately, I failed.

It all started with a comic I drew with this third panel. (Click to enlarge.)

This comic has at least two problems. One is that it uses a word I can’t get published. The other is that the boss’s line is so perfect I can’t convince myself it is original. Did I read or hear that line someplace in the past? It sure sounds like something someone would have already said. Google came up empty, but it might be something that a colorful person from my past used to say.

Intuitively, I knew there was no other word in the universe that would be as funny as turd. Even other words that mean the same as turd would fall short, and be equally impossible to publish.

Eventually I came up with a replacement word, and that’s what will run in a month or so. It’s not nearly as funny as turd, but it was the best I could do. I wonder if you can top it. Let’s see.

I’ll give you a little wiggle room. There are two rules for your submission:

1. Keep the boss’s first words, “Sometimes the best you can do…”
2. Complete the sentence with a funny expression of utter futility.

If I like your suggestion better than my own, and it’s not filthy, I might use it. I’ll tell you mine tomorrow, so it doesn’t get in your head and make this harder today.

I know some of you are already thinking about “arranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.” That won’t be a winner.

Comments

[BlatherOn]

A little late, but regarding the source, there is a song on The Gourd's album "Blood of the Ram" called "Turd in my Pocket"

[Anne]

Sometimes the best thing you can do is complain about it.

-Anne
http://freecatlitter.weebly.com/

[Jon]

Sometimes the best you can do is stick your finger in another hole.

[Fitzy]

Sometimes the best that you can do is slip the turd into someone elses pocket, and hope the press doesn't notice.

[G. H. Diel]

Really? What is the difference between 'dreaming' and 'thinking'?

[Tony]

Sometimes the best you can do is make up a funny expression of utter futility.

[Frank Goodman]

"Sometimes it would be better to just move the..." keys to the executive washroom to the other pocket.

[TSB]

Sometimes the best you can do is move the *trud* to the other pocket. Hey, it works for Fcuk...

Also see: drut

[Andy]

"Sometimes the best you can do is push the rock back up the hill."

In reference to Sisyphus, from Greek legend a king of Corinth who was condemned to forever push a huge rock up a hill only for it to roll back down again.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sisyphus

[Patrick Sain]

Now that I see three comments and can get a better look, it looks like it might just be "me" that is looking at it wrong.

I've been reading everything "between the lines", as Poster, Time, then comment, but now I see that it is probably set up as Comment/ hard rule / Poster, time.

My apologies if I've been reading things wrong. Just didn't want anyone mixed around. No cookie for me.

[Bone Flasher]

So is that a turd in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

[Paul Lafferty aka - Bigsmak]

Sometimes the best you can do would be frowned upon if you got caught

[Patrick Sain]

Don't know how these comments are being checked and posted but so far both of my comments have been put under somebody else's name. Looks like you need to check the software or the checker.

In the event that this one gets swapped around too, This is Patrick Sain.

Be interesting to see if it comes out correct. Then again this could all be a reality joke.

[See if you can spot the pattern. -- Scott]

[Andrew]

Sometimes the best you can do is just try and go limp.

Sometimes the best you can do is to close your eyes and imagine it's sushi. (or other choice food)

[Big Big Fan]

Sometimes the best you can do.....is not do

[Patrick Sain]

Uhhhh, the comment attributed Daimyo no neko of Let the paper bag burn was mine, and the one atributed to me wasn't.

I don't know whose that was.

[Sammy]

Sometimes the best you can do is hide it in Wally's desk and hope you forget its there.

[cisco72]

Turd IS a funny word. My grandfather actually had a funny way of using it conversation. If he thought something you were eating was hearty, like say....a big steak or beef stew, he would say "That'll make a turd". It always cracked me up.

[BK]

Sounds like that joke about marketing "My job is to sugar coat the turds". Anyway how about "Some times the best you can do is the worst you can do"

[Dave]

Sometimes the best you can do:

is squeeze a little lemon in your hemlock tea.

[GH]

Flush twice.

[John Hewitt]

Sometimes the best you can do is move your used tissue to anothe rpocket.

[Neil Sampson]

Not sure if you had this, but how about..

Sometimes the best you can do is....

Clean the fan up afterwards

(as in sh!t hitting fans)

Neil

[Barf]

shake it down your pants....

[Kent]

sometimes all you can do is put it on a stick and call it a lollipop

[Andrew West]

Do you have cowpats in the US? Failing that, how about banana peel. My problem with hairball is that, despite living with cats for 20 years, I have never seen a hairball, so the imagery just doesn't hit home.

[Geoff]

Sometimes the best you can do is deodorise the corpse

[looney]

Hands in pockets...

Sometimes the best you can do is juggle your balls.

Theres no rude words...what do you mean they would publish it.

[ACD]

...switch socks?

[Great Genius]

Sometimes the best thing you can do...is hope that everybody forgets.

[Daimyo no neko]

Sometimes the best you can do is bury it in the kitty litter

[Patrick Sain]

Sometimes the best you can do…

... is let the paper bag burn.

[Bob T]

Sometimes the best you can do is punch air and walk away.

[Elliott]

My favorite clean one was one near the beginning, "Hit the screw harder." It really is management at its best without being poop.

[Jay]

Sometimes the best you can do is dry your pants and walk away

[carl]

Sometimes the best you can do is add hot sauce and pretend your not eating a spicy crap sandwich.

[ACD]

Sometimes the best you can do is choose a different polish.

[Regret]

Someone got it part right:
... is flush and pray.

[Ian Wright]

Sometimes you just have to paint the statue the same color as the pigeon manure.

[steph]

sometimes the best you can do is lose the memo

[henry]

how about just substitution?
t*rd
excrement

[Fin]

My uncle always said,"Sometimes you have to put the meat in the bun."

[ralla]

Sometimes all you can do is add glitter and call it crap-tacular.

[John J]

Sometimes the best thing you can do is open the pants before you piss.

[Bane]

“Sometimes the best you can do…” is just keep hiding the body.

[Zerbet]

This is probably already there somewhere, but I didn't have two weeks to read through them all...

Sometimes, the best you can do is call it a feature and raise the price.

[wright1411]

Put lipstick on the pig

[Brett]

Sometimes the best you can do is reinvent the Wheel of Fortune.

[Anonymous John]

Sometimes the best you can do is swallow your tongue without chewing.

[Lazy Boy]

Difficult, turd is a pretty potent funny word. I tried to come up with something that would covey the same message.

First I thought of:
Sometimes the best you can do is to move your finger to the other nostril.
Then I saw a few references to nostril in the past posts (got to admit nostril is a pretty funny word).
So I came up with:
Sometimes the best you can do is to sweep the possum in the other lane.
But that isn’t really something the PHB would say. Unless of course you put a cowboy hat on his head.
Since turd is so funny I decided to use two funny words to compensate:
Sometimes the best you can do is to shove the noodle back up your nostril.
Bhaaa using nostril again.

This is something I found hilarious but doesn’t really stick to what the PHB was saying:
Sometimes the best you can do is gasp and hope the girdle will hold the blubber.

Lazy Boy

[Marc]

My contribution is "sometimes the best you can do is pretend you were asleep". It's from my something that happened to my father. He was in a group psychotherapy session. They had just had lunch, and were sitting on the floor, in a circle, while someone poured his/her heart out. My father dozed off and let a loud one rip. That's when he woke up, but - remembering where he was - he thought it would actually be better to remain with his eyes closed and pretend he was asleep. I always laugh when I remember it...

But my comment is on your comic today (about Wally using words that denote feigned loyalty to the company).

I was thinking "my loyalty to this company is unmatched" does it nicely, too.

[hans stolte]

put the jobby in the other hand.....

Or Juggle blame..

[pogo]

sometimes the best you can do is blame it on bin laden

[pogo]

sometimes the best you can do is call them terrorists before you kill them

[pogo]

sometimes the best you do is pretend to be from the management

[Venkatdeep]

Sometimes the best you can do...

...is wait for the rat to come out by itself!

...is clone more dodo's!

...is wait for others to shovel the poop!

...is fart like no one can smell.

...is to invite the furniture sales guy for a spring loaded colonoscopy (Yeah,Yeah...I know its plagarised!! :P)

...is to 'open mouth, insert foot'

...is just use "turd"!!

cheers

[derek]

sometimes the best you can do is lie to yourself

sometimes the best you can do is complain about it

sometimes the best you can do is make it someone else's problem

sometimes the best you can do is sue yourself for sexual harassment

[SadCase]

In Oz we would say 'Same shit...different bucket'.

Sometimes the best you can do is use the loo next door.

Sometimes the best you can do is have a can of deodorant handy.

Sometimes the best you can do is blame the dog.

Sometimes the best you can do is pretend it doesn't exist.

Sometimes the best you can do is market is as a party finisher (or room clearer).

[Minister of Silly People in Green]

Oh, I think this will make the best birthday card ever.

[Minister of Silly People in Green]

Having been there...
Sometimes the best you can do is enjoy the ride off the cliff. (Yes, I've been through my numbing).

[Minister of Silly People in Green]

Can't top it run the turd on your website.

[Kent]

Sometimes the best you can do is talk to your cat.

[Saint Stryfe]

Sometimes the best you can do is...

...hope they don't check under the floorboards.

...shoot the wrong person.

...wipe yourself standing up.

...not use the break room toilet.

...end the bastard's misery.

...insert the needle at a perpendicular angle to the plane of the bone.

...put the money in a bag under the overpass and pray to God.

...raise the dead and hope OSHA doesn't find out.

[Jim]

Sometimes the best you can do is fart at Thanksgiving and point at your mother-in-law.

[sam g.]

sometimes the best you can do is move the dime bag to the other pocket

sometimes the best you can do is grab an intern and hope they aren't gamma rays

anything relating to drugs or lethal radiation really

[James]

Sometimes the best you can do is smile and say you like it.

Sometimes the best you can do is ask for a second helping of strychnine.

Sometimes the best you can do is hope they use lube. ( I know, filthy but hey)

Sometimes the best you can do is be in the somewhere when it gets discovered.

[Samuel Paul]

Sometimes the best you is to blame it on the pog
Sometimes the best you is to eat the slimstick away
Sometimes the best you is the thing that can't be done

[John S]

Sometimes the best you can do is move the bodies from closet to closet.

[mason]

Sometimes the best you can do is point your gun at the other foot.

[Winston Smith]

Sometimes the best you can do is pretending you're too drunk to remember it happened

[james]

Sometimes the best you can do is to move the turdoid to the other pocket

[Doug]

Sometimes the best you can do is...

...misspell your own name and hope nobody notices.

[Douog]

Sometimes the best you can do is...

...hope the monkey has bad aim.
...hope the monkey flings the other way.
...hope the bird waits until you put your hat on.
...call it a feature.
...say it's on sale and hope somebody buys it.
...pretend they have weapons of mass destruction.

[Kari]

Sometimes the best you can do is lick your elbow.

[Mirky]

Sometimes you can only get the illusion of new angle by rotating the problem.

Some neck-fixing thing would be a nice touch to it.

[C Johnson]

Sometimes the best you can do is hope it isn't a slow news day.

[C Johnson]

Sometimes the best you can do is call it coffee and hope no one notices.

[BritSwedeGuy Stef]

Sometimes the best you can do is slap more make-up on the cadaver.

[G]

Sometimes the best you can do is stop your house burning with just the contents of your own bladder.

[Psy]

Sometimes the best you can do is bring the walrus to a new dentist.

[G]

Sometimes the best you can do is assume that your readers understand the meaning of the word "futile".

[G]

Sometimes the best you can do, is use both sides of the last square of paper(cos either way, you hand's getting messy).

[Jon]

Sometimes the best oyu can do...

...is shake hands with a leper and hope you don't end up with an extra hand.

It's a bit long.

[Shannon Knowles]

sometimes the best you can do is beg for more sourpuss.

[Borjan]

Sometimes the best you can do is pray you've just laid an egg.

But I also like half of the others, but especially:

"Sometimes the best you can do is move the plop to another pocket." - Nick (plop is really funny to say, and comes close to invoke filth in one's mind)

"Sometimes the best you can do is reverse your boxers and soldier on." - Lots42

It seems your hit-count hits the roof when you ask your readers to participate in your work, or am I mistaken?

[Kevin Kunreuther]

Sometimes the best you can do is shift the latrine six feet and hope the wind blows in another direction.

[ShirtBloke]

Damn - somebody already wrote mine!

[Muthu Ramadoss]

Sometimes the best you can do is.. Act REALLY dumb and chuckle silently at the smart people.

[Richard]

Sometimes the best you can do . .
is just to put the ring on a different finger.
=OR=
is just to put a different finger in the ring.

p.s. This saves you from having to pick the turd up in the first place, plus keeps your finger warm ;-)

p.p.s. I think they might publish this - mwahahahahahaaa!

[syn]

Readers are taking the TURD comment too literally. A TURD in this context is just a bad idea or task, not the do-do thing
-------------------------------------------------------

Soi he's saying "Sometimes the only thing you can do is move the bad idea to another pocket"?

No. He means shit.

[Martin Stennert]

My vote also goes to:
...fluff the rat and call it a poodle.
I think its even funnier than the original.

Others I loved:
...shoot the messenger
...eat coal and hope for diamonds
...put it in a bun and call it lunch
...shave off the other eyebrow
...paint it blue and call it art
...call it flavor of the day
...put lipstick on the pig before you kiss it

[Dick]

... praise them, and promote them into another department.

[Dick]

... hold your breath and move it to the other pocket.

... hope a sleazy lawyer can make you look like the victim.

... sue everyone and hope for a LA jury.

... trade for new pants in the fitting room.

... call it a new fad and hope Hollywood follows it.

[James]

Sometimes the best you can do is blame it on terrorism.
Sometimes the best you can do is as good as the worst you can do.

[Matthew]

Sometimes the best you can do is move the clob to the other pocket.

The beauty of this is that "clob" is a database term, so it is entirely likely PHB would hear it and think it was something completely different than it really is and use it improperly.

[Pat]

Tell me.... What is the EXACT reason why turd is a word that's impossible to publish in America?

Does it have anything to do with Janet's tit?

[an archer]

Scott,

I am digressing... but came across this

Men live in a fantasy world. I know this because I am one, and I actually receive my mail there.
-- Scott Adams

Man... have to hand it to you to come up with some thing like this...

another male !!.. cheers...

PS : Luv what you post... so keep them coming !!

[Lordzues]

I'm going for Charliebeck's, but with a little modification:

Sometimes the best you can do is sweep the dirt under a different rug.

[Original posted by: charliebeck | September 28, 2007 at 01:36 PM]

[QwkDrw]

Sometimes the best you can do ... is be thankful it was silent and walk away slowly.

[Santosh]

Sometimes the best you can do is to turn around and do the talking :-)

Sometimes the best you can do is to stop your watch so that deadlines seem far away

Sometimes the best you can do is to wait n wait n wait till terminator comes back

Sometimes the best you can do is to sit below a tree and hope something other than an apple falls out of it.

[Stephanie]

I never use the word "turd" I prefer "dingleberry"

[The Stache]

sometimes, the best you can do is shoot the gopher and put on your dancing shoes.

sometimes, the best you can do is look that weasel in the eye and tell him "no, i will not fold your socks"

[Abraham Rash]

Sometimes the best you can do is shift your weight to the other cheek and hope for the best.

[Kevin Kohls]

Sometimes the best you can do is move the Portapotty to the neighbor's yard.

[Kevin Kohls]

Sometimes the best you can do is move the Portapotty to the neighbor's yard.

[Amit]

Sometimes the best you can do is scratch the other half of your bum!!!

[The Sound of KOINK]

Sometimes the best you can do is make like a cow pie and hit the trail.

Sometimes the best you can do is cough into a full ashtray.

Sometimes the best you can do is attempt to pull a sliver out of an ant's rear-end with a boxing glove.

[Madmarleyboro29]

I'm not even going to bother trying to find a better word for "turd".

But I actually pictured in my mind, this phrase being said:"

****Nobody says you have to give up. Just, give in*****.

It's what cats think, with freshly-caught mice. The cat still wants the mouse to struggle & run. But the mouse had better concede the point to the cat. The mouse won't win this day.

So, pairing that up, with your initial idea, you get:

"Sometimes the best you can do is give up. Try all you want, but here's what I want.".

"It's a picture of a potato, with wings.".

"Yes. Make it fly, by this afternoon.".

About the only way that potato will fly, is if you chuck it back at the protagonist. And that might humor them too.

[ron_h]

once it hits is turn the fan up to high.

[dan]

sometimes the best you can do is...

eat around the loogie
hope there's ice cream in hell
take up rain dancing
farm body hair till it all blows over
drop a cherry in the toilet and call it a sundae
cultivate a deep cynicism
go home and take it out on the kids
hope the noose matches your outfit
burn down the building and start over
write "it's benign" 15 times a day

[Joyce Melton]

...not sign the death threat.
...wait another four years.
...become a cartoonist.
...clean your shoe on the other leg.
...kiss your elbow.
...pass the ketchup and call it sirloin.
...wear a hat and root for the falcons.
...try to look too stupid to lie.
...pass the plutonium and pretend your watch is broken.
...look for weapons of mass distraction.
...tip the dealer anyway.
...put the porcupine in another tree.
...shine your head and paint it green. Ain't no one here but us watermelons.

- Joyce

[Ian]

I am so gutted that Dave beat me to:

Sometimes the best you can do is flip the roadkill.

[Justin]

Sometimes the best you can do is to shovel it somewhere else and hope somebody else deals with it.

Henry Rollins for President!

[Rift]

Sometimes you just need to paint your ass to look like a horse.

[car free since '93]

A butcher might say: Sometimes the best you can do is the wurst.
CFS '93

[jerry w.]

Sometimes the best you can do is hope the other monkeys don't do it unto you first.

http://boskolives.wordpress.com/

[k-ace]

I don't know if these have come up before:

Sometimes the best you can do is let it rip and hope it doesn't follow through.

Sometimes the best you can do is move to an non-extradiction country.

Sometimes the best you can do is move everything to an off-shore account.

[(an) andrew from California]

I am a video editor. I have a colleague who holds local contests to find the best editor that he can hire as additional staff. It seems people clamor to participate in his contest as he is fairly well-known in the field.

He gives the contestants footage from his workload (that has already been completed, so he claims) and lets them edit it. He picks the best editor as his next prodigee.

We always joke that he whittles away his project load by conducting these "contests."

Sound familiar?

[Animesh Sharma]

"Sometimes the best you could do is change the gears"

[Jean A Kirkpatrick]

Sometimes the best you can do is lie back and think of England.

[Rob]

sometimes the best you can do...is flush twice and hope for the best.

[Dave]

Sometimes you just have to fight in the shade.

[Ferran]

Sometimes the best you can do is just sweep the dirt to another corner.
Preserves the sense, but not nearly as funny as turd.
Why is it that shit jokes, ass jokes and penis jokes are so funny? Someone should do some research there... I bet there already is...

[Maggie]

Sometimes the best you can do is...

...wear the dunce cap on a different foot.
...put the possum in a different kitchen cupboard.
...bark up a slightly taller tree.

[Scott Loving]

Sometimes the best you can do is hope the check clears before anyone notices.

[Patrick]

Sometimes the best you can do is trade in your oxygen tank for a body bag.

[bob]

Sometimes the best you can do is lift it by the clean end, put it in your pocket, and blame the smell on someone else.

bb

[Allan R]

Sometimes the best you can do is hope the cow doesn't tip you

[Cassandra]

Sometimes the best you can do is laugh at your own jokes.
I mean, seriously--you have a calculus of humor and laugh if something scores enough points. I bet you could hypnotize yourself to be tickled by a feather you wielded yourself.

[bob]

Sometimes the best you can do is lift it by the clean end, put it in your pocket, and blame the smell on someone else.

bb

[dogbert]

sometimes the best you can do is take off your pants and admit to the world your "inadequate"

[sunflower]

wow...I have 3 boys,( not including their dads, BWA HAA HAA)and I have never found anything funnier than a fart. Fart noises, fart sounds. Sneak farts into any conversation or situation and it always makes them laugh.

[Biff]

Just thought of this:

"...steer toward a different cliff/wall/iceberg/object"

[Kent]

Sometimes the best you can do is squish your toes in it and savor the warmth.

[William]

Mix and match the first set

Move the Outhouse vent.........
Move the Sump Pump ............
Move the Sewer.................
Move the Garbage...............
Move the Septic system.........to the basement
Move the Dead fish.............to a different cube
Move the Fish pile.............to different floor
Move the Fish head.............to the other pocket
Move the Bad shrimp............to a different department
Move the Rabbit pellets........to the roof
Move the cow pie...............
Move the Guano.................
Move the Leach field...........
Move the Road kill.............

Wipe the guano to the other foot
Step on gum with the other foot
Put the shoe to the other hand
Put the Hat on the other foot
Let the rotwieller chase the kitten
Let the tiger chase the puppy
Let the greyhound catch the rabbit
Let the intern play with the plastic bag
Let them have color monitors
Let them Bring in their own food
Let them Leave before the hurricane hits
You have to stock the bathrooms with toilet paper

[Nikkia]

Sometimes the best you can do is throw your trash in someone elses can.

[Dunbar]

Sometimes the best you can be is like a landline in a world of mobile phones.

[Carrie]

Sometimes the best you can do is put on a fake smile and go back to work.

[Roboguy]

Sometimes the best you can do is to pass the stain off as gravy.

[Stretch Mark Mama]

I am still grieving the loss of "spray paint the turd".

[tubaguy]

Sometimes the best you can do is flip the mattress and buy rubber sheets.

[Patrick]

Some words are just funny. Turd is an immensely funny word. How does one measure a word's "funniness"? I like to test out a funny word by inserting the word into popular movie titles. For example,

Turd Wars, Star Turds, Romancing the Turd, etc.

It (turd) just keeps giving. I can see your dilemma. I would propose you keep your original line the way it is, and just concentrate on replacing the word.

My personal suggestion is my trusty backup word. Everyone should have a backup funny word in case you cannot use your go to funny word. My backup funny word is monkey. It may not have the same luster as turd, but try it out first. Some examples,

Monkey Wars, Star Monkeys, Romancing the Monkey, etc.

Now that's funny with a PG rating. Let us compose the line with our new substitute...

Sometimes the best you can do is move the monkey to another pocket.

Nice :-D

[Cully]

Sometimes the best you can do is shift the pickle to the other pocket.

("pickle" is almost always funny)

[Ahmadinejad]

Sometimes the best you can do is just
Deny the holocaust, build a few nukes,
And piss off the most powerful nation on earth.

[Dorky Dad]

...stay the course.

[hsueh dawg]

Sometimes the best you can is... come up with a statement like this.

[Mokkery]

Sometimes the best you can do is just
shoot the accountants, burn the books,
and hope for a flood.

[Chubby Mike]

Sometimes the best you can do is fire them all and start over.

[moiagain]

... is cover it with litter and call it a sandbox.

[thepi]

Sometimes the best you can do is put on a speedo before trekking into the arctic.

[Eric Blade]

Sometimes the best you can do is rearrange the deck chairs on the Hindenburg.

[G Smith]

...move the dryer lint to the other pocket.

[Tom]

Sometimes the best you can do is continue buying Cubs playoff tickets.

Sometimes the best you can do is piss on the forest fire.

[Tom O.]

Sometimes the best you can do is scoot away from your desk before someone smells it.

[Christine]

Sometimes the best you can do . . . is hope they go into management.

[Robby]

Sometimes the best you can do is jump off a shorter skyscraper.

[Harris Hocker]

Sometimes the best you can do...

...is hope they hear "euthanasia" and think "young people in China."

...is hope for a jury of your peers.

...is blame it on the dog and hope they love pets.

...is point to the left and blame the smell on him.

...is call the cops and hope for an insanity plea.

[David Pupton]

Sometimes the best you can do is put out the flames and claim it as a deductible.

[Alexis Downey]

Sometimes the best you can do is accept that you'll be on
penicillin after returning home from the holiday in Mexico.

[Carolyn]

Sometimes the best you can do is to flick it off your finger.

[nick]

Sometimes the best you can do is shift to the other cheek.

[Eric Blade]

...rearrange the deck chairs on the HINDENBURG.

;)

[wheelz]

Sometimes the best you can do is put stockings on a rooster and call it Mathilda

[Jennifer Duckett]

Sometimes the best you can do is realize you can't change
that accident on vacation involving a beautiful woman and rodent.

[Antonio]

f you get caught between the moon and New York city
Best that you can do ......
Best that you can do is fall in love

[Luke]

Sometimes the best you can do is poke it with a stick.

OR...

Sometimes the best you can do is hit mushrooms with a golf club.

OR...

Sometimes the best you can do is the electric boogaloo.

The boogaloo is a dance.

[Jude Schwegel]

Sometimes the best you can do is empathize with the guy
next to you that's spontaneously combusting.

[Michael]

Turd is considered unpublishable? Wow, America must be even more conservative and uptight than we in other countries believe it to be.... and I can tell you that we consider the US to really conservative and uptight.

[Chris @ Martial Development]

...put it in a tortilla and call it a wrap.

[The Giver]

Sometimes the best you can do is pay for the goat and leave.

Rat-poodle is darn good too.

[Rosie]

Sometimes the best you can do is blame your busby.

[AS]

Sometimes the best you can do is put your brain in your other pants.

[Okgenuine]

Sometimes the best you can do is elect a president who can't multitask.

[mike]

sometimes the best you can do is to settle for it blowing out either end.

[Grabs]

Ha ha ha, good old Dilbert. Reminds me of a guy at work

[Jackrabbit]

...is to swallow and say thanks.

[Freeway]

Sometimes the best you can do is add another layer of newspaper to the bottom of the birdcage.

[Curtis]

Sometimes the best you can do write it down and hit delete.

[ZeroFett]

Sometimes the best you can do is move the booger to another pocket.

Sometimes the best you can do is move the durt to another pocket.

Sometimes the best you can do is, Say where did this come from?

Sometimes the best you can do is throw it at someone.

[Amy]

Sometimes the best you can do is delude yourself into believing that no one will notice.

[jai]

Art Carney, in St. Helens (1981), a movie about the eruption of the volcano, says:

"Don't shit me, I've got a turd in every pocket."

[egravl]

Sometimes the best you can do is declare victory and go home.

[Bobby]

Sometimes the best you can do is remove the batteries from your hearing aid.

[jojax]

A little bit wordy, but here goes:
Sometimes the best you can do is keep everyone equally dissatisfied.

[Hywel]

Sometimes, the best you can do is move the trash from one can to another.
Sometimes, the best you can do is spray yourself with deoderant after a day in the sewer.
Sometimes, the best you can do is take an air-freshener into the sewer.

[c]

Sometimes the best you can do is hope your dental records are up to date.

Sometimes the best you can do is hope they find the black box.

Sometimes the best you can do is try to boil the ocean with a match.

[Ray Ward]

Nothing wrong with the word "turd." Walker Percy used it to great effect in "Lancelot." (You're right; the word is funny. Percy's novel was no comedy, but the sentence with "turd" made me laugh out loud.)

[Joey]

Sometimes the best you can do is spread it around the lawn.

[Matt Super]

Sometimes the best you can do is go one toilet over

[Nichole]

Sometimes the best you can do is pass the potato.

[Cobra]

- Sometimes the best you can do is spit-shine it and give it a cute name.
- Sometimes the best you can do is swallow it and complain it lacks sugar.

[TK]

Sometimes the best you can do is flush the toilet after you pee on the seat

[Casey]

Sometimes the best you can do is let it dry in.

[Chris]

Sometimes the best you can do is seesaw the booy.

[Ray in San Geronimo]

Sometimes the best you can do is try and push a lesbian salmon upstream to spawn.

[Kevin Moore]

Sometimes the best you can do is wash the elephant with an eyedropper.

[GrainReaper]

Sometimes the best you can do is pull out and grab a towel.

[Kevin]

Sometimes the best you can do is to just go home and spank the monkey.

[Rafael Cavalcanti]

Sometimes the best you can do is slow down the fan.

[Zbu]

"Sometimes the best thing you can do is really screw up everything and hope daddy has enough connections to cover it up."

[sandra]

Sometimes the best you can do is wrap it up and sell it as a candy bar.

[MarkM]

Sometimes the best you can do ... is flush and walk away.
Sometimes the best you can do ... is spin the bottle and hope for the best.
Sometimes the best you can do ... is head for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Sometimes the best you can do ... is run from the light at the end of the tunnel.
Sometimes the best you can do ... is roll up your sleeves and start shoveling.
Sometimes the best you can do ... is look for another rip cord.
Sometimes the best you can do ... is smile and nod.
Sometimes the best you can do ... is bury your head in the sand.
Sometimes the best you can do ... ask a horde of no-talent strangers for help.

[Wayne]

use "turdle" for turd and feign spelling incompetency

[cuttman]

is find a dark corner and sob to yourself?

[Bruce]

Sometimes the best you can do is dip it in K-Y jelly and put it where the sun don't shine.

Sometimes the best you can do is bend over and hope this is the worst part of you day.

Sometimes the best you can do is tie a bow on it and re-gift it.

[Marc]

Sometimes the best you can do is form it up and call it Baby Ruth.

[$8]

Sometimes the best you can do... is pretend you can't smell anything.

[Josh]

Sometimes the best you can do is shuffle the kitty litter.

Sometimes the best you can do is shuffle the kitty litter around a little bit.

[Janos]

...pour another bucket in the river?
...disinfect the syringe of the lethal injection used for an execution?
...give CPR to the headless body? (don't ask me how, go figure it out yourself)
...fill up the Yugo with premium unleaded?
...send brochures of legal licensed software to Russia/China?
...try to sell Old Testament in Iran?
...try to explain to an American that the Koran teaches peace, and that muslim extremists are the same to Islam as the KKK/NRA to Christianity?
...try to explain to the Ayatollah that all they need to do to avoid being bombed to back BM (before Mohamed) is to agree with the oil barons of America to sell them their oil X dollars below Brent?
...try to explain to the Senate that the First Amendment does not limit freedom of speech to those people who/opinions which agree with the president('s)?

Unfortunately, none of these will top turd and pocket, but I hope I made some of you laugh, and some of you think. The rest of you may carry on.

[mdh]

Sometimes the best you can do is move the stink to another pocket.

[mdh]

Sometimes the best you can do is move the stink to another pocket.

[richard yuan]

Sometimes the best you can do is let someone else fill in the blank.

[larry horowitz]

Sometimes the best you can do is hose down the wife and call it a day!

I was going to say "hose down the homo and call it a day" but "wife" seemed just as funny.

[Brian]

I fail. But I do agree with Matt M that turd would leave a bad taste in your mouth.

[GentleGiant]

Use 'dump' instead?

[Bolivar T. Shagnasty]

Sometimes the best you can do is...

... make sure your initials aren't on it.

-- George Bush is NOT a Texan - neither one of 'em.

[Andrew]

Sometimes the best you can do is point the finger back at marketing.

[StoopidGurl]

We got banned too. I'm not sure why...

[RonZilla70]

Sometimes the best you can do is close the lid and hope the alligators don't get mad.

[Ross]

"Sometimes the best you can do is move the piranha to another pocket."

You could also try barracuda. I think baracudas look nastier than piranhas, but piranhas have a more ferocious reputation.

This of course, assumes people know what a piranha is. "It's not funny if I have to explain it" ;-)
I have this problem frequently with my company name, Tech Mavens. I'm amazed at how many seemingly educated people have never encounted the word "maven." Most of the time they even pronounce it wrong.

"What's a mah-vin?"

"Never mind, you're too stupid to be my customer."

[aaron]

This is like the Aussie saying "Same shit different bucket" that is usually used in response to some lame marketing ploy. Therefore:

Sometimes the best you can do is put the poop in another potty.

Poop makes a funnier verb than noun so:

Sometimes the best you can do is poop in another potty.

[JFS in IL]

Sometimes the best you can do is dye it brown as camoflage.

Or words to that effect.

JFS in IL

[Gene]

(Gross) Move the booger to another finger.

(Even Grosser) Eat the booger and hope for better tomorrow.

Rip one and blame it on the dog.

Pee your pants and jump in the pool.

Keep digging and hope someone has paper handy.

Poop your pants and waddle home.

:)

[Albert]

Sometimes the best you can do is hang it on the wall and call it art.

[discumBob]

"...put ketchup on it and call it dinner."

[Mark]

Sometimes the best you can do is scrub the toilet with somebody else's toothbrush.

Sometimes the best you can do is keep your thumb up there and hope nobody notices.

[amenot]

Sometimes the best you can do is suck the dung,
and declare "mission never accomplished!".

[johnmac]

Sometimes the best you can do is move the poo to the other pocket.

[heregoes]

Sometimes the best you can do ... is jump to another rail.