Halloween Costumes

When it comes to selecting my Halloween costume, I ask four questions:

1. Can I wear my glasses?
2. Does it cover my legs so I can pretend I’m dancing?
3. How difficult is it to take a whiz?
4. Does it allow me to be witty?

One year I wore a cow costume featuring a huge udder at crotch level. At the beginning of the party, I was simply a funny cow. By the end of the night, thanks to the miracle of alcohol, I was some sort of spotted mammal with four penises and one huge ball sack. This was my best costume ever, because women dressed as naughty nurses kept grabbing my teats. I experienced a sort of phantom limb effect that I found most enjoyable. And thanks to the four-teat design, I often had multiple partners. Good times.

This year I’m thinking of being a scary tree. I can have my face looking out of a big knot hole, so I can wear my glasses. And I can attach a sap bucket, drink beer all night, and never need to use the restroom. Best of all, no one expects much from a dancing tree.

The only problem with a scary tree costume is that it’s not witty enough. I need my costume to fill in all the gaping holes in my personality.

I suppose I could try to bite people and then say, “If you think that’s bad, you should see my bark! Ha ha! Snort!” But that’s the sort of thing that could get me stabbed with a plastic pitchfork.

I could take the Borat approach and say things that seem at first to be true, followed by “KNOT!” Again, you have the risk of stabbing. No good.

I’ll have no better luck with “Leaf me alone,” or “I’m packing a trunk.” There simply isn’t enough beer to make those jokes work.

So I’ll probably just put a plastic knife in my chest and go as an O.J. Simpson memorabilia collector. There’s nothing wrong with the classics.

I’ll be at my restaurant on Oct 27th for Halloween dancing. If you see someone in disguise who is a great dancer, that’s me.

www.Eatatstaceys.com

Comments

[Bobby]

Bee Mine women costume is my favorite...

[Aleks]

New Halloween Avatars!
http://allavatars.ru/halloween/
Happy Halloween! :)

[iain010100]

I like the tree idea, but make it that Keebler Elf tree.

http://www.kelloggs.com/keebler/images/company-tree.jpg

[John]

I remember a guy going to a party dressed as a Christmas tree. Great idea, except he had to spend most of the night plugged into the wall so the lights would work.
The best one that I've seen that covered your criteria was a guy dressed as "Waldo" from the "where's Waldo?" series of kids books.
My personal and perennial favorite is going as Uncle Fester.
I wear a muu-muu and a bowler hat, put black around my eyes, and grin maniacally!
I think you should stick with the tree, though. Put a zipper where the fly of your pants would be and hang a raccoon tail out of it. Tie a string to the inside end of the tail and run it up your pant leg to the back of your belt. When you pull the belt end, the tail twitches!
When someone comments, tell them "it's a hell of a lot better than those damned squirrels, they were always after my nuts! And don't even get me started on the elves..." Then you pull a cookie out of your pocket and offer it to them. And since you're an evil tree, you could suggest playing a party game like... bobbing for children!

[Ross]

You should go with the Franzia costume -- nothing beats wine in a bag in a box. Cheers!

http://recawega.com/pics/homepage/franzia.jpg

[firefox]

Grow Up

[Jay]

My costume is simple. I need a greenish military dress hat with a red star on it, a body stocking, and a stuff knobbly brown thing about the size of a potato stuck to the crotch of the body stocking.

What am I? Why, a Communist dick-tater of course!

[Kendra]

stick with the scary tree. it has less pick up lines the tempt you with and ergo keeps your wife happy.

[me]

So that sexy, dancing, spotted mammal was YOU!?

I need to go wash my mouth out with soap.

[BoltBait]

Here is a photomanipulation I did of the best Halloween costume ever:

http://boltbait.deviantart.com/art/Best-Halloween-Costume-Ever-42182910

Enjoy.

[azw88]

all of that just to promote your restaurant....... what, can't afford a billboard?

[Alan]

Well I'm going to be at a Marilyn Manson concert at the Palms in Las Vegas, so I'm going as a Priest (I bought a real Priest cassock) but I will have 4" platform boots, fishnet stockings and a thong on. I think the only difference between me and most Priests will be that I plan on leaving the bottom portion of the cassock unbuttoned.

My wife says I should somehow figure out how to make it look like I'm hiding a small boy under my cassock but that would take way more time and energy than I want to spend, maybe next year!

[Candice]

I am actually offended by some of the remarks made in the comments. *frown*

[Jack]

I think you should consider going as Larry in a bathroom stall.

1. Can I wear my glasses? Yes.
2. Does it cover my legs so I can pretend I’m dancing? No, but a dancing bathroom stall has to be funny, especially if you use a wide stance.
3. How difficult is it to take a whiz? This is too easy.
4. Does it allow me to be witty? Oh, I misread this. I thought you wanted to be shi**y.

[Jerry]

Scott, go as an apple tree. That way you can ask all of the ladies to "polish your apples"!

[Speedy Midget]

Trying going wearing only black socks and black gloves - hey presto, the 5 of Clubs.

Or you can copy my idea of going to the party with a girl on my back. When people asked what I was I replied "A tortoise, and this is Michelle.'

[Stoletov]

My Advice!

[Ibid]

My favorite costume was as a barrel of toxic waste as suggested by a Calvin and Hobbes cartoon. Take a large cardboard disk and add a neck hole. Hang orange fabric from the edge and stick on a radiation symbol. Nobody can tell if you're dancing or not. You just lift the front to pee, but you do need a long straw to drink your beer. I suppose you could run a straw through the cardboard and keep your beer inside the barrel.

[Chuck N.]

The simplest answer is this. Go as Chuck Norris.

1. Can I wear my glasses?
Of course, Chuck can wear anything.
2. Does it cover my legs so I can pretend I’m dancing?
Doesn't matter, Chuck doesn't pretend anything, he just does.
3. How difficult is it to take a whiz?
Easy, the world is your toilet (as Noah well knows).
4. Does it allow me to be witty?
Easiest question of all, just say jokes about yourself.

[gordon_goosemonster]

Went to a pub one time dressed as a sheep shagger, inflatable sheep tie in front of my crotch.
I was asked by the barman to remove it as it was causing offence.
Apparently actual sheep shaggers frequented the pub and didn't like being made fun of.

That reminds me of a joke, but I couldn't be arsed typing it all out.

[neopolitan]

Phoenix made some comment about Scots liking sheep. He or she is obviously not a native of the British isles and hence not familiar with the huge number of jokes which invovle "an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman" (who were doing something, most often walking into a bar).

The United Kingdom includes four countries, not only England, Scotland and Northern Ireland, but also Wales. The question to be asked is: why do all the jokes include an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman, but no Welshman?

The answer is simple, the Welshmen were all busy ... so many sheep, so little time.

[Gertone]

"Pirate of the Scaribbean" perhaps? Not entirely original, but it seems to cover all 4 points: 1 is solved by Jerry W. (see below), 2, Who expects you to be a great dancer with a wooden leg? (Moonwalking would solve point 4 also) 3, no problemo and 4 I think you must agree will be a piece of cake for someone as witty as Scott Adams!

[Anon]

"4. the jokes are limitless, from "would you like to pet my sporran (the pouch a scotsman wears)" to "so do you know whats under a scotsman's kilt?" and your wife could go as a ewe, further irony with the scotsman/sheep connection."

Techincally it's not the Sctos who are known for their sheep-lovage, but the Welsh...

[Steve]

I once went to a new years eve party dressed as BA Baracus/Mr.T. Spent the whole night telling people I didn't know to "Shut up fool". Best of all nobody gets Mr.T to dance if he doesn't want to.

[Deirdré Straughan]

My dad had an idea years ago to dress up in shaggy fur and stick a big (needle-less, presumably) syringe on top of his head. When they asked what he was meant to be, he'd say: "I'm a furry with a syringe on top."

One Halloween we had some British friends visiting who had never celebrated it before. Wren very enthusiastically dressed up in a diaper and Mickey Mouses t-shirt, carrying a teddy bear and pacifier. But he also added bandages, makeup cuts and bruises, and a fake bloody axe sticking out of his head. When people asked, he'd say: "I'm a battered baby."

This wasn't particularly funny til they got around to asking what he did for a living: "I'm a pediatrician." (And he really is.)