Did you see the story about a man arrested for having sex with a bicycle?
I imagine the police interviewing him after his arrest. It probably went something like this:
Detective: Do you confess to having sex with a bicycle?
Bike Humper: Yes.
Detective: Was it a woman’s bicycle or a man’s bicycle?
Bike Humper: Dude, I’m not gay.
I have to wonder if the perpetrator is exclusively attracted to bicycles, or are other inanimate objects just as sexy? If so, I envy him on some level. There would be no such thing as a boring night at home. “Hellooooo, Lamp!”
He probably has his own set of private jokes he uses around the house: “Well, there’s nothing on TV tonight,” …pause for humorous effect…”except ME!”
If the perpetrator gets jail time, I would hate to be the other prisoner in his cell. I’d be afraid to fall asleep and appear inanimate for more than a minute. And I’d tape my toothbrush and tin cup to my chest. That would be a long five years.
My theory is that the perpetrator has a neighbor who keeps borrowing his shit, and this was his way of dealing with it. It almost worked. I’m practically certain no one will ask to borrow that bicycle. And his family will probably bury his bowling ball with him.
Or perhaps the man was too cheap to buy a bicycle lock and he was worried the cleaners would steal the bike. He had a choice of paying $12 for a lock, or humping the bike in front of them. Either way, the odds of bicycle theft plummeted. The thing he didn’t count on was the cleaners turning him over to authorities. I can see how he’d make that mistake. If you tell me you knew there was a law against loving your bicycle too much, you’re lying.
This story disturbs me on many levels. I was already concerned about becoming impotent from riding my bicycle. Now I’ll only ride my bicycle standing up, so no one will accuse me of teabagging it. I have enough problems.
[The joke I forgot to include: He would have done a unicycle, but his mother told him it would make him blind.]