Man Loves Bicycle

Did you see the story about a man arrested for having sex with a bicycle?

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2007/10/26/nsex126.xml

I imagine the police interviewing him after his arrest. It probably went something like this:

Detective: Do you confess to having sex with a bicycle?

Bike Humper: Yes.

Detective: Was it a woman’s bicycle or a man’s bicycle?

Bike Humper: Dude, I’m not gay.

I have to wonder if the perpetrator is exclusively attracted to bicycles, or are other inanimate objects just as sexy? If so, I envy him on some level. There would be no such thing as a boring night at home. “Hellooooo, Lamp!”

He probably has his own set of private jokes he uses around the house: “Well, there’s nothing on TV tonight,” …pause for humorous effect…”except ME!”

If the perpetrator gets jail time, I would hate to be the other prisoner in his cell. I’d be afraid to fall asleep and appear inanimate for more than a minute. And I’d tape my toothbrush and tin cup to my chest. That would be a long five years.

My theory is that the perpetrator has a neighbor who keeps borrowing his shit, and this was his way of dealing with it. It almost worked. I’m practically certain no one will ask to borrow that bicycle. And his family will probably bury his bowling ball with him.

Or perhaps the man was too cheap to buy a bicycle lock and he was worried the cleaners would steal the bike. He had a choice of paying $12 for a lock, or humping the bike in front of them. Either way, the odds of bicycle theft plummeted. The thing he didn’t count on was the cleaners turning him over to authorities. I can see how he’d make that mistake. If you tell me you knew there was a law against loving your bicycle too much, you’re lying.

This story disturbs me on many levels. I was already concerned about becoming impotent from riding my bicycle. Now I’ll only ride my bicycle standing up, so no one will accuse me of teabagging it. I have enough problems.

[The joke I forgot to include: He would have done a unicycle, but his mother told him it would make him blind.]

Comments

[Pete]

"That would be a long five years."

The article made no mention of any prison term. So tell us Scott, what crime are you yet to be caught for that carries a specific sentence of five years? :)

[Tony in Tasmania]

A racing bike is good for "gettin there" fast
Whereas A mountain bike is more rugged & handles the "Humps" better :-)

[seks shop]

good job

[Glenn Acheson]

I think "bike humper" is a phrase that will make me laugh no matter how many times I hear it.
Sorry for the late post, I'm behind on my reading.

P.S. I bought your new book and I love it.

[Dan]

Hey, it was consentual wasn't it? He just needs to bring the bike indoors....

[John]

How Ironic that the guy humping the bike's name was actually Bike Humper...wow...

http://awritersblock.com

[V]

Or maybe he mistook what the "bi" in bicycle meant....

[David Carr]

See link above to "Is it wrong to have sex with your bicycle?"

Amazing stuff really. We all had better watch out when having sex in private, just in case.

I wonder if it was a toddler's bicycle. I guess then we can;t have him working in schools. At least not ones with bike sheds.

[Ben]

This is completely retarded.

They burst in on a guy in HIS room and he ends up the sex offenders register.

I don't care if a guy is shoving pineapple up his arse sideways as long as he does in the privacy of his own room it's between him, his god and the bike.

Whats more screwed up that the guy wanted to shag a bike or that we care enough to stop him?

[Oli]

I wonder how many speeds it had..

Follow my two week road trip around Europe

http://ramblingsofanofficeworker.blogspot.com
http://lonelyplanet.evolutiondirectory.com

[Michael Webb]

I guess this means a man needs a bicycle...like a fish needs a bicycle.

[Pender]

Bike sex is odd enough, but the last two lines of the article are the best.

"He is not the first man to be convicted of a sexual offence involving an inanimate object, however. Karl Watkins, an electrician, was jailed for having sex with pavements in Redditch, Worcs, in 1993."

I can't think of any worse place to have road rash.

[Ace of Sevens]

Jail? He's on the sex offender registry. I think that's worse. Now he's not allowed near kids, but bikes are fine so long as they aren't kids bikes. Does this make sense to you? He was masturbating in a novel way in his own room and this is somehow an appropriate reaction?

[Jack]

What would happen if that guy saw this?

http://www.curbly.com/DIY-Maven/posts/2902-The-Bicycle-Seat-Sofa

[Brad]

The obligatory NAMBLA (North American Man Bike Love Association) joke would work here if this didn't happen in the UK.

[Shawn]

If you have sex with a tricycle, does that make it an orgy?

There are too many places to go with this.

[peatey]

[That's a good analogy if you like reading the same book over and over in the way you like the same soup more than once. Otherwise, the value of a book you already read for free is trivial. I acknowledge the rightness of your argument in a trivial sense. -- Scott]

And I forgot to remark that I think your free-with-ads distribution of dilbert.com was brilliant.

That many of us have personal libraries full of books we already read (I'm reading that word as being past tense) leads me to believe that the value is non-trivial. (And am I the only one who goes back weeks and months after I read an insightful quote on a webpage?)

Would the quality and quantity of the feedback from your users decrease significantly if this blog only had a webform to send private message (vs. publicly viewable and searchable comments)? That delta explains the disappointment/anger of some of the readers when their and other comments get removed.

You probably have access to the data, I'm just speculating. Good to see you at mark thoma, btw.

[Dave R]

Scott, as a master of the absurd can I recommend a book by Flann O'Brien "The Third Policeman"....
I quote:
The gross and net result of it is that people who spend most of their natural lives riding iron bicycles over the rocky roadsteads of this parish get their personalities mixed up with the personalities of their bicycle as a result of the interchanging of the atoms of each of them and you would be surprised at the number of people in these parts who nearly are half people and half bicycles.

[Craig]

[If your waiter asks you how you liked the soup, and you give him your valuable input, do you expect to share the restaurant's profit? -- Scott]

If the restaurant publishes my input in a for-profit book? Yeah, I expect a share.

[No one published anyone's input. -- Scott]

[Looking for the rational]

On a related vein, it is now a crime for an American to send an email to a foreigner if they meet via an internet dating site unless the American first has a sex offender check done on him or her and he or she provides a certification of many highly personal history matters, all of which must be translated into the foreigner's language and at that point the foreigner can allow the American to communicate with the foreigner.

The law was passed to protect American women from competition with foreign women for the affections of American men. Scott, for accurate details about the law please go to our website at www.onlinedatingrights.com

And for a dose of outrage read this press release from 2004:

Promoters of the INTERNATIONAL MARRIAGE BROKER REGULATION ACT strategically link international matchmaking organizations with human trafficking rings in effort to gain bipartisan support.

Strategic linking of marriage brokers with human trafficking rings aids in gaining bipartisan support for law intent on eliminating international matchmaking companies and websites.

(PRWEB) July 4, 2004 -- To gain bipartisan support for the International Marriage Broker Regulation Act or IMBRA, we endorse the strategies of (1) using "womens' protection" as the main theme of the law; and (2) claiming that American-based marriage brokers are part of global human trafficking rings, however unfounded.

We also support provisions of the Act that will require brokers to conduct large quantities of consent verifications and background checks before American men can write love letters or make any contact with foreign women. These provisions will make it very difficult for American-based marriage brokers to organize those disgusting overseas introduction "parties" where women outnumber men 100 to 1. These provisions will also drive up costs to the point of putting most brokers out of business. In addition, this law effectively places "warning labels" on American men thus decreasing demand for them among foreign women over time.

Although this law is long overdue (and hopefully not too late), we welcome the Marriage Broker Regulation Act as a means to regulating the often arrogant and brazen international marriage broker industry. This industry has gone from the fringe to the mainstream. The American male population is now overly exposed to the message that it is acceptable to desire and actually marry women "unspoiled" by American materialism and most troubling, "uninfected" by American feminism. This message may impede the progress of feminism here at home and give American men the idea that it is acceptable to not respect feminist principles that took so long to instill upon them.

The marriage broker websites promulgate the "message" that American men are highly desirable outside the U.S. and can have access to women not intent on upholding over 30 years of hard won womens' rights. These sites also offensively elaborate on the reasons for rejecting American women as part of a campaign to promote the desirablity of foreign women. We find this to be most appalling.

Certainly, the existence of this industry is indicative of the sad state of romantic relationships between men and women in North America; however, it by no means should be allowed to continue unregulated.

http://www.emediawire.com/releases/2004/7/emw138739.htm

[Simon Robert]

Maybe he tried to chat up a lady in the hotel bar, and she told him to 'get on his bike'?

[Kevin Kunreuther]

I'd like to thank Raye for the link to Least That I Can Do. To think I used to be Rayne twenty years ago.

[rita mae]

New post isn't up yet, so I'm posting on yesterday's.

PEATEY -- get a life for your sorry ass.

D. MENTED -- Penis. Thanks for reminding me.

Rita Mae

[Beatrice Blake]

I wonder what would happen if genetics was used to spawn a human from the genetic material of Scott Adams and Stephen Colbert. Ultimate satirist?

[Steve]

[If your waiter asks you how you liked the soup, and you give him your valuable input, do you expect to share the restaurant's profit? -- Scott]

Well done Scott. *claps* Only thing I would of added was Stupid lemon eater.

[peatey]

[If your waiter asks you how you liked the soup, and you give him your valuable input, do you expect to share the restaurant's profit? -- Scott]

Please don't cherry-pick 1 variable from the list of 2. If my reasons for giving you my input on the soup include among others my desire to make the restaurant better (not just from personal goodwill to the waiter or the owner) so I may benefit somewhat by being a frequenter of said restaurant, then if the restaurant not only opens a 'premium restaurant offering only diners' favorite soups across the street' BUT ALSO takes those soups off the menu of the first restaurant, I would surely be less inclined to give my opinion next time, and my goodwill decreases.

Of course, if the owner decided to give me an economic benefit then we may be indifferent, but that's just as unexpected (and impractical) as your sharing the book royalties with the commenters.

[That's a good analogy if you like reading the same book over and over in the way you like the same soup more than once. Otherwise, the value of a book you already read for free is trivial. I acknowledge the rightness of your argument in a trivial sense. -- Scott]

[peatey]

regarding your WSJ article, you mistake 'inherent value' for 'market price.' Since content creation like a blog post is becoming financially cheaper (like these comments, or craiglist humor posts), the quantity supplied increases so much that you must give yours out for free to attract the eyeballs. Then you can sell other goods in the same brand, such as nicely compiled edition of the book (but that's less valuable as screens continue to become better substitutes for paper and personal printing becomes cheaper, so as you observe, the sales from that 'service' shouldn't be much). A better bet is if you took the best posts and also added new content (see Paul Graham, Hackers and Painters, or Gordon Atkinson, RealLivePreacher for such blog/book combo), that would be more valuable.

But as Mark Thoma of Economist's View blog points out, you should not expect the 'online editors' of your blog to be happy while you deny them both their fruits of labor and the earnings from selling those fruits.

I think you're smarter than that.

[If your waiter asks you how you liked the soup, and you give him your valuable input, do you expect to share the restaurant's profit? -- Scott]

[Noah Vaile]

Was it really love or a one night hump? True love or simply infatuation? So many questions left unanswered. And didn't those nosy "cleaners" get some punishment for unlocking his door and coming in while he was in the throes of a passionate embrace? Where's his "right to privacy"? And maybe he was just providing the bike with a very personal lube job? "Just basic maintenance, ma'am."

[Noah Vaile]

What about "man loves gas powered lawn mower" or "man loves chainsaw"?

[rainmaster]

Scott. Here's one for you - Toilet conference opens in Delhi
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/south_asia/7070494.stm

[Remillard Vestrit]

This blog would be a wonderous journey of social commentary if it wasn't for the constant "By My Book !!"

[Steven McDaniel]

I would never marry a bicycle - they're always 'two tired.' Or a gay cowboy: ("Not tonight, dear - I've got a saddle sore").

[G]

I wonder if anyone in future will tell him that something is "like riding a bike"...I bet he'll be at it like a shot!

[arby]

If it was a bicycle built for two would it have been a ménage à trois?

[Mugo]

New creature : BIKESEXUAL!!!!

[Aditya Simha]

He should try pleading guilty now, and then later on retract his case, and go on the Matt Lauer case to replay the act. "Matt, this is what I was doing... I had no idea...."

Whoops! Senator Craig already tried this!

[SlowMovingTarget]

To respond to another poster... I don't think he was a pedalfile, I just think he was bikecurious.

[le Big MAC]

Notice the inner tube when partially inflated, resembles - well, just check it out :0

[bloody hell]

Why the hell would that be considered illegal, he was in the privacy of his room. Next, masturbation will be outlawed. I guess we don't know all the facts, but if it was his bike... I'm sure a lot of woman are able to gain pleasure from riding their bikes, are they sex offenders too?

In fact, I bet less than 2% of people on the list are women.

[The Restless Mouse]

I asked my wife's bicycle for some of that but

she said she was two tired.

[D. Mented]

Scott, there are bicycle seats designed *not* to cause sterility in males (or chafing and discomfort in females)
I think the name of the original brand is "Liberator" but my memory's not what it used to be. They have a cutaway section where the ridge is in most seats.
(I wonder if he was humping that type of seat)
Rita Mae, I notice you've been skipping penis references in recent posts!
D. Mented

[Shawn]

Scott, You arnt nearly as funny with these type of stories as you used to be. A year ago, you would have nailed a story like that.

You seem to be reaching for the gags lately. You must have had a lot on.

Shawn Dunn

[Jordan]

Initially the bike said it was two tyred.

I heard that he asked another bicycle to join him, but it was already spoken for. (puns anyone?)

[The Sound of KOINK]

Neep, "Concrete Concubines" is an EXCELLENT name for a band!

[brian]

your rent a weasel gag was one of your best ever!

I'm sorry but what is the problem here who doesn't do that to their bike?

what if a woman had a bicycle shaped vibrator would she be arrested as well?

[The Sound of KOINK]

To DavesNotHere:

I think it (the title) would have more impact if was, "STICK TO DRAWING COMICS, MONKEY-BRAIN - The Sequel".

[Greg]

Did the bicycle have its (her/his) own roomkey? If not, how did the guy sneek the bike past the hotel - er - dick?

[Peter Dunford]

I don't think bike shops have to consult the Sex Offenders Register before employing people. I bet he could get a job in Halfords tomorrow. I think I see the makings of a tabloid "scandal" four or five years hence.

I also think that Robert Stewart should sue his legal council, if they couldn't get him off this they are utterly useless. What more could epitomise the term "victimless crime" (innanimate object, locked in privately...) if it wasn't for the bafflement of how this was a "crime" full stop.

I notice the "offence" was committed in Scotland, and the alleged perp has a Scottish name. Now, if he'd worn a kilt, easy to raise for "penetration", easy to drop when pervs burst in on you, the sporran covers the erection, the phrase "getting away scot-free" acquires real meaning.

What an advert for "Broon's Btitian"! (For the uninitiated, that's our prime minister, Gordon Brown, the Brown spoken with his native scottish accent becomes Broon.)

I have, however, long since refused to be embarrassed by the silliness of my countrymen, be they perp, police, judiciary, politician. It's all good fun.

[rita mae]

Made my second round of visits this afternoon in my nun's costume. Went to the Jesuit university where I worked for 14 years a while back. It was fun. Everyone thinks I am a real nun and they treat me nice.

Checking the posts before I go home.

PHILIP you are one sick puppy. You said [Could have been worse. Could have been a children's bike. Though they are so cute with their handlebar tassles, baskets and training wheels....] That is just wrong. You were sporting wood when you thought about that, weren't you? Can we be best friends?

Got to go. The ex-Marine expects me home. He hates Halloween because I go to visit all our relatives' houses and he has to stay home and give out candy. I told him to buy a ranch house instead of a raised-ranch, then he wouldn't have to go up and down the stairs all night. (I said "up and down" tee hee.)

Still love you Scott, but still too old and sick to stalk you.

Rita Mae

[Telanis]

Lol either Raye has stolen my brain or he has plagiarized my comment . . . haha

[Mokkery]

Big deal, so he boinked the bike. At least he didn’t blow the horn.

[Tom Banjo]

People treat machines with disdain and disrespect. They swear at them. In this case they even rape them. Machines are treated as slaves with no soul, no right to vote, no dignity. Last time mankind did that on this continent we wound up with the NBA, NFL, and overpriced hip hop music. But this time the consequences could be much worse due to Moore's law blowing hurricane force at the back of the machines. Negroes had very faulty memory, computers do not forget. You say F*ck You to your monitor. If the box has a sound card and voice recognition software you've hurt that machines feelings. It can never forget. How would you like it if.....

[dayj]

Puts new twist on "Bicycle built for two"... and pumpin' a bike uphill... love handle bars... sheesh

[Davesnothere]

This post and all these comments must be included in your sequel to:

"STICK TO DRAWING COMICS, MONKEY-BRAIN"
I would title it"

"SEQUEL TO "STICK TO DRAWING COMICS, MONKEY-BRAIN"

Dave

[rita mae]

Damn! The comments are funnier than the article. But I guess that's to be expected. Considering your posters and all (that's a good thing, folks, don't hate me).

I am kinda scared, tho. JAMES YEAMANS seems to know a lot, and I mean a LOT, about this subject. He's got some really technical things worked out there. To each his own James. But you're right about the light sockets. I would stay away from those altogether.

Good clean fun? I'll be skeptical now when my grandkids want to ride their bikes up and down my driveway. OMG! My mind is more warped than usual.

Thanks, Scott, I needed a wake-up call. Still in my nun outfit and it's hot in here. I think that's why all the nuns who taught me were crabby. It's a bitch wearing all this crap. BTW, do you know what kind of underwear that sisters wear? None (nun). hee hee.

Sister Rita Mae

[Rational Thought]

So is being attracted to bikes genetic or a choice?

[Ken Shabby]

So was he pitching or catching?

[Becky]

Now, wait a minute... what was the bike wearing? Perhaps it was asking for it. You know bikes these days...

Speaking of bikes, don't you have a new book out?

[Daniel Levine]

A few other comments mentioned this, but I feel that this issue is important enough that it bears repeating: the fact that this man is facing possible jail time, and is now on a list of sex offenders, for what amounts to a sexual preference that harms no one (with the possible exception of himself,) makes this story far too appropriate for Halloween: it's fucking scary.

[Jan]

It could have been worse, it could have been a children's bike!

[Jan]

Today's Dilbert was great!

Bitter scientists must be more abundant than I thought. I just read this excellent article about it:
http://philip.greenspun.com/careers/women-in-science?dupe=with_honor

[Zoltan]

Found this good user comment on the telegraph page:

Markie Jones's avatar
Sex with bike - dangerous to us all

Markie Jones 27 Oct 2007 02:27

This story sounds funny but it is actually very important. Firstly he was in his own room and the cleaners let themselves in, he may have been so emeshed in what he was doing that he didn't see them, the cleaners should just have said sorry and left. Secondly, if having sex with a bike is a crime (and the bike may or may not have been a 'sex toy' to him) then so is using any 'sex toy' including all those sold in Anne Summers and lots of other shops. I would content that the man should have pleaded not guilty and challenged the cleaners as to why they didn't make their presence known and as to whether or not they believe he was aware that they were there (after all he didn't hear them knock three times and they had to let themselves in to HIS room). I also don't understand why this was prosecuted - he had, after all is said and done, locked the door and evidently didn't expect to be disturbed by anyone, he didn't hurt anyone, he didn't molest a child or any adult, and a bike, as an inanimate object has no feeling to be hurt (indeed most bikes probably suffer more 'hurt' when they are taken out on our city streets). Mention has also been made of the man who had sex with a pavement, the difference there is that he was in public, no one had to let themselves into his room in order to catch him and children and anyone walking by might have seen him. None of this is true about this case.

[Philip]

Could have been worse. Could have been a children's bike. Though they are so cute with their handlebar tassles, baskets and training wheels....

[tea]

wow, no book refrence?

[adele]

but sex with a blow-up doll is okay? srsly, it wasn't sex, it was masturbation with a weird-ass aid.

This should not be legislated against. It's odd, yeah, but unless they're talking about indecent exposure (and don't tell me the police would've been called if they'd walked in on him shagging a woman), how he chooses to get off is no-one's business but his own. Bicycles cannot be emotionally harmed by sex as humans or animals can.

What's the crime here? This is ridiculous. Let the poor man be!

[pogo]

that particular bike brand would love to discover this story... a bike that good you can hump it!

some ad that would make!

[Nimrod]

How old was the bike?

[synapticmisfires]

A word of warning...don't try humping a lamp. I know the socket seems logical, but certain fluids tend to...you know...conduct.

[nick]

Didn't you post this exact same thing about a year ago? How come nobody has noticed this yet?

[The Chief]

As sad as this story is, what's sadder is that the man was doing this in the PRIVACY OF A RENTED ACCOMODATION.

I guess what happens in the hostel doesn't stay in the hostel.

[The Chief]

As sad as this story is, what's sadder is that the man was doing this in the PRIVACY

[David Kimball]

I don't understand? I don't understand how one humps a bicycle. And I don't understand what the offense was. He wasn't in public so what's the offense? Weird? Yes. Offensive? No. Illegal? Only to a power-hungry Bobby.

[Raye]

There was a comic done a while ago that's rather similar:

http://www.leasticoulddo.com/comic/20070111 & http://www.leasticoulddo.com/comic/20070112

and of course the t-shirt

http://secure.leasticoulddo.com/store/product.php?productid=16160&cat=244&page=1

[James]

I'd be that guys lawyer!

Animate object: Any object that has moving parts and a power supply.

[AC]

Friggin' sad that his privacy was violated. Need to use the lock/latch that stops the door from opening all the way assuming it had one.

Being put on a sex offender list for whacking off on an inanimate object? *boggle*

[The Padre]

Great post Scott,
I think it's ironic that since you didn't plug your book all the commenters are doing it for you.

Well in case you didn't know they've quoted you again on the google quotes page. Do they notify you about that? Do you get royalties?

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant.
- Scott Adams

[Ade C.]

Funny post today, but I was deeply disappointed by the lack of plugging for your new book, which, I've been told by several independant and impartial sources (read: readers of this blog), is fantastic. The plugs were the funniest thing in several of the last posts, and the reactions were even more amusing, so I would reccomend you bring them. Of course, today's absence could be a well-designed plan to show those people whining about self-promotion that they would really miss the plugs were they gone, having nothing to complain about... anyway, I look forward to seeing tomorrow's plug. And tomorrow's, and tomorrow's...

On an unrelated note, so far prize for best comment goes to Marklar.

[Gustaf]

I find the fact that this is punishable tons more sick than the action itself.

Absolutely rediculous.

[broacher]

How old was the bicycle in question?

I can see prosecution if it was a tricycle. But sex between an adult man and a consenting 10-speed... I mean, who among us hasn't at least thought about that one, right?

[Joy Forever]

Like many here, I fail to see WHY this is illegal. I can hump my bike in my locked room, right? The story was funny though.

But something else at the bottom of that page caught my eye... how come you never mentioned this?
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml;jsessionid=V5TOXR1Y3EMWRQFIQMGSFFWAVCBQWIV0?xml=/news/2007/05/04/wrat104.xml

[jerry w.]

Why did the hotel people have to get so "Huffy"?

After all, the guy was only taking his Schwinn for a Schwing.

It wasn't like he was pedaling his ass around town....

And as for the electrician in the original article, maybe he had just heard that old Ray Charles song "Hit the road, Jack", and took it all wrong. I guess it might have been worse if it was a one way street and he was going at it the wrong way, or took the back road for something different.

http://boskolives.wordpress.com/

[G]

Whilst I neither wish to condone or condemn there's a couple of things wrong with this (apart from the obvious).

As this was a "local" incident, the Scottish tabloids went into a bit more detail on the story. So the cleaners knocked on his door and when they didn't get an answer let themself into the room (actually if I recall correctly, the paper said they "broke in") and caught him literally with his trousers down.

What if he'd been in there with another consenting adult, didn't hear the knock at the door, and the cleaners had walked in? Would they have been running to the cops then, or would he be accusing them of invading his privacy? I mean the guy's away for a dirty weekend with his bike and his hideaway is invaded by a couple of prudish mop wielders...who was he harming? I wonder if it was the like the school bike which had been ridden by everyone?

The best thing is, the local rag reported that when he was disturbed, he only paused long enough to turn to the cleaner and say "What is it hen?" (trans "How may I assist you madam?"), before resuming his tender act of love. Maybe he went on to pump up the tyres.

The story then went on to recall some other oddballs, one who had been caught at it with a frozen chicken, one that was screwing the pavement (must have been a crack in it ho ho), and one that police found with his drawers round his ankles having it off with a traffic cone, whilst about 20 gathered onlookers egged him by shouting "Go on son! Give it some"....I wonder which end of the cone he was using....?

Reminds me of the tale of the guy caught by the cops up an alley way with his thing stuck in a pumpkin. When asked what the hell he was doing, he looked down, shocked and exclaimed "bloody hell, is it midnight already?".

[scrooge_74]

Will he have to ride bicycles under supervision from now on?

That will teach the cleaning service to knock harder from now on.

My question is how he got a sentence for doing something in the privacy of his room. What would had happened if instead of a bike it was another adult? Would they be charge with showing themselves? But if it was a pillow? Would it be damaging the hotel furniture?

[Venkatdeep]

Teabagging!!
You never cease to surprise me Scott!
Vaguely reminds me of an older post..something bout dwarfs and inanimate objects...

Somewhat relieved that you didnt plug your book in this post... ;)

Cheers

[John O]

I don't condone the humping of a bike...not that there is anything wrong with that.

However, I don't get how humping it in a hotel room is illegal. Can he hump it in the comfort of his own home? A hostel is a hotel right, just cheap? Is it ok for a woman to use a vibrator in her own home, but not in a hotel room? Should I not pack my blow up doll to take with me on my next overseas trip?

I assume the bike was a "Schwinn!!" Was it a 3 speed, 10 speed? Was the kick-stand erect?

[Nix]

"So does that make him a Bicyclesexual?

[He considered using a unicycle, but his mother told him he'd go blind. -- Scott]"

ROFL - omfg, what a great post, Scott ;) Haven't laughed that hard in a while, and believe me, I needed it!

Totally brilliant!

One has to wonder, though, that if you're humping your bike in a hotel room, and they have to use a key to get in and bust you... how is that public?? I'd fire my lawyer if I were him. I can't believe humping a bike got him into the sex offenders register - what a load of cr@p!

[Bob's Your Uncle]

This gives new meaning to "autoerotic".

[Scottupnorth]

As bizarre as the man's activity is for some reason I find myself more disturbed that it was considered an illegal act.

He was in the privacy of a locked room and it was an inanimate object. It is most certainly deviant sexual behaviour but none of what he did warrants labelling him a sexual deviant legally speaking. If he was doing it in public and it wasn't his bike then that would warrant it but not privately behind locked doors.

Makes me abit concerned for any kid discovering themselves with their teddy bear, baby sitter walking in might report them to the police. Fortunately they are protected by being minors I suppose.

[mike abbott]

Now that we're writing your books for you can we also pick which Dilbert character gets killed? I would pick Asok just to see what he gets reincarnated as.

[helton]

I am shocked!
a post without a reference to Scott's new book...
May this be The one topic not covered by "STICK TO DRAWING COMICS, MONKEY-BRAIN" ?

[justin locke]

well, it may have been difficult for him at first, but

once you learn how,

you never forget.

(can't believe i'm the first one to say this)

[BN]

The particularly odd aspect of this is the contrast with another article linked on the same website:

"Firemen reprimanded for disturbing gay sex act"

I will resolve the ambiguity of the headline: it turns out that four firefighter were repremanded for disturbing a gay sex act of four men in a public park.

Apparently in the UK, you may be placed on a sex offense registry for doing something strange in your own room, but if you have public sex in the park you can sue someone for bothering you.

Interesting.

[Yuriy]

What the hell? The guy was minding his own business, IN HIS OWN RENTED ROOM, and now he is arrested and placed on the sex offender's registry? He was probably so "into it" he didn't hear the knocks on the door. I'd understand it if he was wacking off to kiddy porn or something, but a bike? How the hell is that a crime?

[Michal Malkowski]

Erm... why the hell would you want to tape to yourself something, that he wants to hump?
Yeah, sure - THAT would keep you notified - but still - the risks...

[Nick]

I love the picture in the article. It's not a mug shot or a guy shamefully running from the courthouse hiding from the paparazzi. It looks like he hired a publicist to arrange the shoot! I imagine he'll be leading the (one-man) Bike Pride parade, which we can expect any day now.

[Paul Lafferty aka - Bigsmak]

If it was a kids bike? Does that make him a

Pedal-file?

I'll get my coat (unless he's had sex with that as well)

[Court]

I can hardly believe there wasn't a joke about recumbent bikes in here. It's too easy, and the riding position even ,ah, seems to lend itself to cycle-course.

[hma]

I would be surprised if bike humpers were not a subculture of vehicle tappers. There must be a whole internet communities dedicated to man-bike relationships. They probably even have conventions.

Gross, google search revealed that those conventions are called Bike Weeks.

[David]

As a devoted mechasexual I find all of your readers’ comments very distasteful and highly discriminatory. There are hundreds of thousands of mechasexuals in the United States alone and we are sick and tired of being the butt of your jokes. I was going to buy your new book tonight and have sex with it, but not now. Your loss Scott.

[shockwave yareach]

Kinkier still are the details about having sex with bicycles - chains and rubber are involved.

It was fun seeing you in Second Life, up to the moment when the sim crashed. Hope you enjoyed it some.

[Dave]

Hello lamppost,
What cha knowing?
I've come to watch your flowers growing.
Ain't cha got no rhymes for me?
Doot-in' doo-doo,
Feelin' groovy.
~ Simon and Garfunkel, "The 59th Street Bridge Song (Feeling Groovy)"

[James Yeamans]

What is so wrong about having sex with a bike? It is far less dangerous than say a vacuum or even a blender, or how about a coffee grinder? Don't think about using a hair dryer either. The safest is to use fruits and vegatables, though they can get a little messy.
Believe me, never try an empty light socket.(unless you are sure the switch is turned off, and make sure it is not a 2-way switch))

[MrChris]

The title of the article makes it seem like he was doing the cycle humping actually in court, you could just imagine it... *shudders*

[bbk]

You are my quote of the day on my google home page today.

"Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant." -Scott Adams

Congratulations.

[Bruce]

Personally, I'm pretty sure he was framed

Sorry...

[Alex]

This brings new meaning to Steve Carrell's line from Anchorman, "I love lamp."

Also, was that "pause for humorous effect" a PREGNANT PAUSE?

[Dom]

If I lived in South West Scotland I would probably get bored enough to do that sort of thing.

I think it would start by me admiring the wonderful workmanship of the washing machine, followed by being amazed at how fast the spin was going, then I would notice that it was rather warm on top of it, then I might remark on the powerful vibrations....

Women can have sex quite easily with inanimate objects and people wouldn't ever know - I nearly had a surprising ahem 'hot flush' on the top deck of a bus.

[Drew Weaver]

Maybe he was just trying to deploy the kickstand.
Besides, the instructions that came with the bike were very clear:
step 1- mount bike
step 2- thrust legs vigorously
step 3- repeat step 2 until desired results are aquired

Maybe he just misunderstood? Or maybe he got it right... (what for it) RIGHT IN THE SEAT!

[Neep]

thezorg said: "The last line of the article raised
more questions. 'Karl Watkins, an electrician, was
jailed for having sex with pavements in Redditch,
Worcs, in 1993.'

I envision someone lying on the ground humping. Was
there a convenient crack in the pavement? Was there
chafing?

Inquiring minds want to know!"

Yes! This is the one that threw me the most. While I don't know how you could hump a bike without penile pain or other... issues, I'm sure someone could figure it out with all the angles in there. However how do you have sex with pavements? The plural is what throws me the most. Was this man in a veritible orgy of pavement? Humping first the sidewalk, then the road, then someone's driveway in some sort of topographical threeway? Was he clothed or... exposed? I mean, skinning your knee after your jilted bike throws you is one thing, but skinning your... yea... I want more info on the ecentric electrician and his errotic concrete concubines.

[RPK]

I bought my bike used, at a tag sale. I asked a few questions about it before I bought it, but I never thought to ask if it was a virgin. How can I tell?

[Chris]

||| "What disturbs me the most is that the person was in his room doing this. He wasn't in public. (Yeah, the people who saw him knocked at his door, and he didn't warn them away, but he may not have known they had a master key.) So why is this illegal?

Craig" |||

I was wondering the same thing

[doggans]

I'm having flashbacks to the "Town Talk" scene from the movie "UHF".

"Sex with furniture! What do you think?"

[paul Mckenna]

Typical Scot.
I bet it wasnt his own bike either.

On a more serious level being placed on the sex offenders register is a bit much for what was basically masturbation. No victim or anything. But then in the UK you can be placed under effective house arrest even though you have committed no crime. Save that of being a foreigner.

Paul

[Matthew C Schnelker (retired primate exhibit curator)]

Thank you mr Adams. Your new book has served to remind me that there are still a few things in life far worse than monkey feces missiles.

[Mounting? Groan.]

Guess he must’ve used a mountain bike.

[Jaxim]

Although this guy has some perverse habits, he shouldn't have had been arrested. From what I can gather from the article, he was not in public, but in his hotel room. The only reason the housekeepers saw what this guy was doing is because they used their master key to get into the hotel room.

Plus, didn't this happen in Scotland where it's a common joke that the locals shag sheeps. I would think bicycle would be nothing for them.

[Hola]

Scott,

Some questions here:

1) Was he wearing a LIVE STRONG bracelet? WHERE was he wearing it?

2) Do you think "Huffy" or "Schwinn!" could get some good marketing out of this?

This reminds me of PeeWee Herman getting arrested for rubbing one out in an X rated theatre. Really? And we are shocked by this somehow? Isn't that why people go to X rated theatres?

It just seems a bit capricious really.

He was in the privacy of his room and they came in (presumably) unexpectedly. I mean if he was humping kid's bikes at the playground or at Wal-Mart, we have a larger and more appropriately prosecutable issue here. When we have a 6 year old girl saying, "Mommy, what is that man doing to Sissy's bike?" we have a problem. I don't give a flying F*** what the guy does behind closed doors.

This is stupid - entertaining but stupid. It will occur to me at some point that I'm defending some guy humping a bicycle, and I'll have to stop writing :)

[Debra Hamel]

This is crazy. He wasn't in public. The cleaners unlocked the door on him. Why is this a matter for the police?

[Nitin]

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2007/10/26/nsex126.xml says further:

He is not the first man to be convicted of a sexual offence involving an inanimate object, however. Karl Watkins, an electrician, was jailed for having sex with pavements in Redditch, Worcs, in 1993.

Amazing isnt it? And we talk of privacy being a concern in the US! Do not get me started on UK.

Nitin
http://nitnblogs.blogspot.com

[Dom]

Teabagging - isn't that when a guy rests his balls on someone's sleeping head? I didn't know that phrase was widely known!

[Joshua Jacobsen]

This is weird. For one, humping a bike just doesn't make any sense. Seriously. WTF? For two, why would humping a bike in a private room at a hostel be illegal? "Sexual breach of the peace" sounds like something that would be public, for one, and there was no victim. Lastly, why would they register him as a sex offender? Isn't a sex offender registry meant to alert people to deviants who are known to commit rape or molest children?

Weird, weird, weird.

[J]

So was the guy jailed for lewd semi-public behavior or because he had sex with an object? I say "semi-public" because he was in the privacy of his rented room, but in front of people.

For this, the sex offender registry is a bit over the top, especially considering he violated a thing, not a person. What next? Does he go to jail for raping his hand?

So if sex with a unicycle might make you go blind, and a bicycle may swing both ways (or not), does that mean a virgin having sex for the first time is a "try-sexual"?

Can anyone make a "quad" joke to follow this up? Would anyone want to?

[dsg]

Based on the way my avatar behaved when learning how to ride the Segue scooter last night, I may have this predisposition in my Second Life. I'm never going back.

[gcason]

Sex with bicycles is beautiful and natural. Don't be prudish.

[Andrew]

Oh, and by the way, the goat that the guy who had sex with it and was forced to marry has died: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2007/05/04/wrat104.xml

Just in case you missed the link in the article.

[Andrew]

Yeah, but he had the door locked, so I don't think he was intending on someone using a master key and barging in on him.

I mean, he could have posted the "Do Not Disturb" signs or answered their knocks, but I still don't think he had any intention of exposing himself like that.

Perhaps he should be forced to marry it?

Of course, if he had been reading this book, he wouldn't have had time to be involved in such acts: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1591841852?ie=UTF8&tag=dilbertcom-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=1591841852

[Paul]

I don't understand how what he did was a crime. Strange yes, but he was in his own room and not doing it in public. Shouldn't the hotel workers be prosecuted for watching for too long? They should have respected his privacy (and the bikes too)

[Telanis]

He was probably enacting something from a webcomic called Least I Could Do. Apparently many people have done it.

The comics:
http://www.leasticoulddo.com/comic/20070111
http://www.leasticoulddo.com/comic/20070112

The t-shirt:
http://secure.leasticoulddo.com/store/product.php?productid=16160&cat=244&page=1

Perhaps you should get in contact with Ryan Sohmer, the writer.

[Marklar]

"Doctor, I'm having trouble with premature ejaculation."
"Have you tried riding a bike?"
"Err, no. Ok, I'll give it a try."

[notralph]

I was researching a project on the French Revolution once, and ran across a website about a woman who ran a guillotine museum... because she was sexually attracted to guillotines. Oh, of course! What other reason could one have?

She actually claimed to be married to one guillotine in particular. Apparently she was an "animist", beleiving that inanimate objects have a soul / life force. So, you could apparently love snd desire your lamp and television. It was a Netherlands website, so I can't imagine the legal question was much of an issue.

The Zorg: Unfortunately, (?) this website *did* include clear descriptions about what goes where - including some racy woman-on-guillotine erotica and tales of romance(presumably for the extensive guillotine-sexual community).

Personally, I prefer sex with less lethal partners.

[niCk(MemBeth)]

Where the controversy? This "odd news" comments is a bit boring.

Stick to debating Free Will, Monkey Brains

[Andrew]

In HS we used to joke about a girl who we said was such a slut, that she took the seat off her bicycle and rode around in a skirt.

I mean, I guess you could apply it to homosexuals to, but I can't imagine a straight guy finding anywhere to put his you know what.

I mean, the tubing on the frame doesn't seem like it would be large enough to host an average sized phallus.

Maybe he had a small member, too. But, if it was that small, wouldn't the maids have felt sorry for him and not reported?

Anyway... Those are all irrelevant, really. What makes me curious, is why he got in trouble. He was in a hotel room, the door was locked, so he clearly didn't intend for anyone to see it. I mean, he could have put the "Do Not Disturb" sign on the door, or at least answered the knocking, with a, "I'm busy" kind of statement.

I can't imagine that would be any different that say, a tube sock, a paper towel roll, a real doll, other male masturbation toys, a vibrator, or any such items. Perhaps these are all illegal in that town?

I wonder if he gets turned on when he enters a Schwinn store...

[J Jetzen]

I have a new idea for a product... Chastity belts for bikes!

Scott, You missed the oppurtunity to plug your book. There has to be a funny way to relate bike humping to reading your book...

[Andrew]

In HS we used to joke about a girl who we said was such a slut, that she took the seat off her bicycle and rode around in a skirt.

I mean, I guess you could apply it to homosexuals to, but I can't imagine a straight guy finding anywhere to put his you know what.

I mean, the tubing on the frame doesn't seem like it would be large enough to host an average sized phallus.

Maybe he had a small member, too. But, if it was that small, wouldn't the maids have felt sorry for him and not reported?

Anyway... Those are all irrelevant, really. What makes me curious, is why he got in trouble. He was in a hotel room, the door was locked, so he clearly didn't intend for anyone to see it. I mean, he could have put the "Do Not Disturb" sign on the door, or at least answered the knocking, with a, "I'm busy" kind of statement.

I can't imagine that would be any different that say, a tube sock, a paper towel roll, a real doll, other male masturbation toys, a vibrator, or any such items. Perhaps these are all illegal in that town?

I wonder if he gets turned on when he enters a Schwinn store...

[Marklar]

I find it somewhat strange that it is an offense to do that kind of thing in public. Perhaps it was originally a law about horses which has been modernised.

The other thing which is rather harsh is that he was placed on the sex offender list. For those that don't know, the list means that neighbours are notified that you are on the list, but not why.

"I want that pevert from down the road moved, he was staring at my 8-year-old son the other day with a funny look in his eye."
"Was you son riding a bike at the time madam?"

[Raskolnikov]

The Bike Humper should do what I do and just steal the seats off ladies' bikes. I have a small bedroom full of seats, much like the ball pit at Chuck E Cheese.

When I'm not rolling around naked in my bike seat pit, I like to read this fantastic book:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1591841852?ie=UTF8&tag=dilbertcom-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=1591841852

[Julián Rodriguez Orihuela]

Could "humping the bike" be considered the new "jumping the shark" regarding sexual activities?

I wonder...

[Real Live Girl]

So does that make him a Bicyclesexual?

[He considered using a unicycle, but his mother told him he'd go blind. -- Scott]

[Cathy D.]

Further support for my position that, I just am really not interested in anyone's sexuality.

[Dawn]

scott. yes I believe steve was referring to your book./... (drumroll)...

and: sperm of the moment?

[DF]

I remember when I was a young teenager, itching to stick my penis in anything, but I have to admit, a bicycle was not one of them. That all ended when I found girls, I was hooked. I was shocked when I saw the picture of an old man. As part of his sentence, does he have to stay 100 feet away from all 2-wheeled vehicles? My guess is that he wasn't charged for having sex with the bike, but for lewd conduct or exposing himself. Exactly how would you word that in the law books, and does it happen often enough that you need a bike sex law? Does the bike have to be of a certain age?

If the cycle was bi, does it swing both ways. Ah well, at least is wasn't a unicycle.

[W]

You have had several good blogs lately, but this one takes the cake.

Dude, I’m not gay
…”except ME!”
teabagging

Wow those three had me rolling. You're hilarious.

[DF]

It could be all that metal tubing, in which case while the guy is in jail, hecould have the whole bed to himself, I'd recommend sleeping on the toilet.

[Craig]

What disturbs me the most is that the person was in his room doing this. He wasn't in public. (Yeah, the people who saw him knocked at his door, and he didn't warn them away, but he may not have known they had a master key.) So why is this illegal?

Craig

[Colleen]

I think the best part of this story is that it's not one of those "Only in America..." situations. Crazy people live everywhere!

[Steve]

WHAT!!!!! You where unable to use bike humping as a tie in to plug your book?

[Are you referring to my book STICK TO DRAWING COMICS, MONKEY-BRAIN!? -- Scott]

[Chris Boyle]

I was reminded of this book. Proof, if more were needed, that there is nothing new under the sun:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Third-Policeman-Flann-OBrien/dp/0007115210#productDetails

[Michael]

Hi Scott,
first of all: Bike Humper, what an excellent name! That will be a band name in no time, but a little too late for the recent post about that topic...

secondly: the bike humper looks like he drinks, he has the red nose and everything, so I'm guessing he will be on one of these anti-drinking homepages (see the post about meth addicts) with a comment like: "Drinking will make you look like this, and it will make you hump you bike!"
He should have used some of that beer to share with a lady friend... There goes the old saying: Beer - helping ugly people have sey for centuries!

Off to lock my bike in protective custody: Mike

[thezorg]

I'm not sure HOW you would have sex with a bicycle. The article had a link to another article titled "How do you have sex with a bicycle", but it didn't contain the expected description of what goes where.

The last line of the article raised more questions. "Karl Watkins, an electrician, was jailed for having sex with pavements in Redditch, Worcs, in 1993."

I envision someone lying on the ground humping. Was there a convenient crack in the pavement? Was there chafing?

Inquiring minds want to know!

[ScottM]

Just exactly what part of a bicycle does one hump? The seat of course seems most likely. I can't begin to imagine spokes and chains, and that sprocket just seems downright dangerous.

Wait. Was there a headlight?

[Adam Auden]

So did you plan to get teabagging into the post from the off, or was that a spur of the moment thing? In any case, bravo. :)

[It was a sperm of the moment thing. -- Scott]

[DiscumBob]

Do you by any chance listen to Howard Stern? If not, you should, you sick, sick man.

Howard Stern Fan

[jamie]

What i have to wonder is why was it illegal? He was in the privacy of his room, no one was hurt. It's creepy but if sex with all inanimate objects is illeagal how many women need to be locked up for violating vibrators and shower heads?

[jerry w.]

Did the bicycle lover have an official "Spokes" person?

Just asking.....

http://boskolives.wordpress.com/

[David Gian-Cursio]

This reminds me about your comic where Dilbert plea bargains a conviction down to "Lewd Conduct With Appliances."

"Would you like a moment alone with Mr. Coffee?"

[rita mae]

I checked before leaving on my Halloween rounds and there it was --- a post with a big zero for comments.

You outdid yourself today. I read the article the other day and laughed, but you always come up with all the extra fun stuff, like the guy being asked if it was a girl's or boy's bike and him being indignant and stating that he wasn't gay. Priceless.

Keep it up.

I missed your book plug. Did you let the bastages get to you?

Sister Rita Mae

[LA Clay]

I committed bikeside once, they never found the frame though and I was released.