So You Think You Have a Policy

If you love your country, and you wish someone would kill me, vote for Scott Adams as a write-in for president of the United States. If elected, it’s a virtual certainty I’ll get assassinated, but not before I solve every problem in the United States. And by our excellent example, the problems in other countries will also be solved.

(Incidentally, if you don’t live in the United States, you can still vote in our elections, thanks to our electronic voting machines. You might need to guess a password. Try “123” or “Reagan.”)

As president, I would solve all the world’s problems by creating a reality TV show where think tanks compete for the best solutions to everything from health care to energy policy to immigration. The judges would be experts who help viewers sort the squirrel shit from the caviar, but the final decisions would be made by viewers, just like on American Idol.

I think you can see many problems with this plan. But you have to compare it to the current political process where idiots elect liars to transfer wealth to crooks. How's that working out for you?

You might think one problem with my plan is that few people would watch a show about political policies. But before the TV show Survivor came on, who predicted that millions of people would watch a bunch of assholes fighting over a coconut? Before American Idol, who predicted that a show featuring bad singers (mostly) would be a worldwide sensation? A good producer can make anything seem fascinating.

Let’s take one example: energy policy. At the risk of oversimplifying, our current energy policy in The United States involves shooting bearded people. It’s not hard to imagine better ideas coming out of a reality TV show. I’m not a think tank and I can give you a few great ideas right off the top of my head:

1. Pass a law in the United States requiring power companies to put a patriotism rating on customer bills. Depending on how much you reduce your consumption over the prior year, you earn a rating of up to four American flags. If you use more energy than last year, your bill comes printed with only one flag. And it’s the flag of Saudi Arabia, you frickin’ traitor. Energy consumption would drop like a rock.

2. Pass a law requiring all cars to have a large gas mileage label on the driver's side door, with an arrow pointing to the driver’s big ol’ head. Everyone already knows, in a general sense, which vehicles use the most gas. But if you have to drive around town with a “9 miles per gallon” label pointed at your mullet, it might make you think twice the next time you consider putting monster tires on your pickup truck.

Seriously, I’d love to watch a reality show where two think tanks argue over whether we should go balls-to-the-wall growing sugar cane and turning it into fuel. Is corn for losers? Does Brazil have it right? It’s all slightly too boring for me to research on my own, and it wouldn't help because I don’t believe anything I read. But I’d watch a reality show about it if the losers were insulted by someone witty. That’s the kind of leader I am.

Comments

[John]

You can offer practically any kind of service using the internet. You just have to make sure there is a market for it and that you can actually fulfill job orders. Some of the most common internet jobs involve clerical jobs such data entry, performing tasks as a virtual assistant, web development, word processing, telemarketing, book keeping and others. You can work as a copy writer, be a sales representative or even become a pro-blogger. You can set up a business that targets clients in your own town or people halfway around the globe.

Thanks, John http://advancemagnumcash.pixieinfo.com/articles.html

[John Taratuta]

A wise man once said problems are not solved they are survived.

A good leader provides the means for his/her followers to solve their own problems.

All the good leaders have been replaced by administrators.
I am looking forward to a small pension and a bad liver.

[DaffyRose]

I think you've hit upon my old favourite problem with representative democracy, equally applicable to any mass opinion scenario. Members of an elected government are members of the populace chosen from the populace by the populace, and are therefore as ordinary as those they represent - as mediocre, bigotted, ordinary, but slightly more driven (the average person doesn't want to run for public office). This system will produce uninspiring, leaderless governments aimed at ensuring their own continued existence (self-preservation being still high on the agenda for the average person). Anyone not 'representative' of the mass opinion is obviously wrong if not dangerous, and must be pulled down immediately. The politicians who believe that they have an inane right to govern through their superiority will be first against the wall when the revolution starts - which can only happen when the masses accidentally and simultaneously believe that the masses are already rising up.

[Thomas]

You missed the latest scientific findings. Bio fuels (corn etc) actually produce MORE CO2 than gasoline.

They don`t produce any !
While growing the plants they take up CO2 from the air, and when You burn them the exact same amount is set free and is taken up again by the next generation of plants.
This way the amount of CO2 is not growing.

[Chronicss]

Much more feasible for us to grow hemp for bio diesel than sugar cane for ethanol.

You can grow the hemp on marginal land with little fertilizer.

[TSB]

What's your full name (and other?) for a write in?

[Jason Preston]

Incidentally, my solution to the low-milage SUV problem is simple, elegant, and completely politically impossible: make SUVs obey truck speed limits.

Right now, SUVs are TRUCKS when it comes to fuel economy standards and CARS when it comes to the speed limit. You can't have your gas and burn it, too.

Either SUVs need to conform to car standards, or they need to drive slower. And nobody wants to be going 45 on the interstate, no matter how cool their Escalade makes them look.

See? Perfect solution. Completely impossible.

[Manu Sharma]

Another hilarious post with three more than brilliant ideas disguised as jokes!

[tim!!]

hell, if i remember to vote, youve got mine dude. gotta be better than hillary....

[Clair]

Better to have been last than never to have joined the fight.
I have policy too. I review TV programs I think I might like- decide and usually never watch most of them again so I really do not like to read about the idiots in a blog but you have a pass this time.

[tom]

Pointy head guy will make a great VP, and Dogbert a great advisor. Have my vote, just cant do any worse.

[DB]

Since we are bashing politicians, here's another reason to vote for Scott... The officials in DC are not even doing their basic job, that is, they can't even agree upon and then pass the federal budget. The Energy and Water funding, for example, has been running on "continuing resolution" since 2000. Those "liars" are so busy "transfering wealth to crooks" (Well said, Scott!!) that they can't even perform the basic tasks they were hired to do. Oh, and they get full pay and wonderful perks upon retirement, regardless of bad (or "non") performance! What's wrong with this picture?

[Gianluca Bevere]

You are so funny and witty. Go on!

[it's me]

I agree that "Scott Adams" is too general. We should write in "The Dilbert Guy."

[Sam Thornton]

Scott, here's your campaign slogan:

"Scott's so nice, I'm voting twice."

[bcammack]

[Christophe Thill wrote: Well I don't know. I'm the idiot, remember ?]

Now that you've reinforced the point, I'm sure we will.

[Matt]

"I misread your post and thought your reality TV show involved regular Tanks (rather than the thinking variety) competing to solve the worlds problems."

Now THAT is a fantastic idea!

[Berimbauone]

A reality show once a week is not enough, politicians can just put on their act for that day and then go back to their regular ol' game.

I say that along with a TV show we should tap their phone lines, implant a GPS chip on every politician, and have a camera follow them at random at any time. The general public should have access to this in the net.

You'd think that with the technology available we'd be able to keep better tabs on the government; not just the government on us.

This would be a (dis)incentive for many to run for office, but it would really keep the ones that actually put in an effort.

http://berimbauone.blogspot.com

[jerry w.]

One great thing about being the president of the United States is that you will be able to use the word "Turd", as the so-called president Bush referred to his handler Karl Rove as "Turd-Blossom".

Until elected, you could use the word "Rove" in place of turd in your strip, and most Americans that haven't been renditioned yet will know what you mean.

Go ahead and polish that Rove, move that Rove to another pocket!

http://boskolives.wordpress.com/

[thieves44]

Bri - no - I didn't name my imaginary child - I just tyoed four because I was thinking 4 bedroom rambler and failed to double check my text before submitting. Stone me.

[thieves44]

Michael W -

My wife and I have two children of our own - she has one child from a previous marriage that I support. Both my wife - one of my daughters - and my step daughter moved to the USA about a year ago. My second (unexpected) child was born last Feb and I love her very much. My wife is attending a community college learning to read and write enough English so she can work. Planning is good - but circumstances sometimes dictate your situation. Right now things are tight - and yes we are planning to make things better in the future. Thanks for your concern.

BTW - I was not complaining about our situation. I understand that we choose it as much as it choose us. I was just providing myself as a real life example of why 80k a year is a tight budget for some US families. It would help if health insurance costs for my family were lower. Say only $800/month instead of $1000/month - an extra $200 a month income can go a long way.

LA Clay's presumption that my income group is spending our money on new luxury cars - boob jobs - and plasma TV’s needed to be corrected. His statement that we are not taking responsibility for our families - well that was just an idiotic thing to say.

[Tom]

You wrote "But I’d watch a reality show about it if the losers were insulted by someone witty"

Like us losers who read your blog?

[kavi chokshi]

coincidence?

I had the first comment on this blog's post yesterday.
No, I'm not here to brag >_>

It was just weird, because I was in my 9:30 college class, and already had the page up from the last time I was on. So I hit refresh but got the day old post. For some reason, I hit refresh again, and this time the blog was updated. o.O

Random chance occurrence? Or was it posted long before, and my browser just acted weird?

Does this go in against the notion of free will? Or does it mean nothing at all?

[DF]

Simple solution, declare that all americans must eat baked beans for breakfast and you can run all cars on methane fumes. Special lanes for carpoolers who have 2 or more passengers plus the driver contributing to fuel. I figure that you have to sit down to drive anyway, why not drop your trousers and help the environment. For those of you that only drive 5 - 10 minutes to work, you will be allowed to skip the baked beans, but you must walk or bike to work. Public transit? Same rules as carpoolers, hook up and propel yourself to work.

The good news is that Dubya has a plan for when the US economy reaches rock bottom. The bad news is that he is carrying a shovel...

[Christophe Thill]

"If elected, it’s a virtual certainty I’ll get assassinated"

I'm sure you'd love to see your face printed next to John Kennedy's. But perhaps you need to learn a thing or two about humility. Oh, and reality, too.

"As president, I would solve all the world’s problems by creating a reality TV show where think tanks compete for the best solutions to everything from health care to energy policy to immigration. The judges would be experts who help viewers sort the squirrel shit from the caviar, but the final decisions would be made by viewers, just like on American Idol."

Yeah ! Free markets are God ! How could it now work ? Look at all those great singers "American Idol" brought to the world !

"I think you can see many problems with this plan. But you have to compare it to the current political process where idiots elect liars to transfer wealth to crooks. How's that working out for you?"

Well I don't know. I'm the idiot, remember ?

[Ivan]

Sure you will get murdered. Once the theorists descent to reality and find how their solutions affect real people, they begin to behave like politicians. Politics:'The activity through which people make, preserve and amend the general rules under which they live' . Yes. Sometimes the only ones with the guts to do this difficult job are idiots interested in power and money. That is because I always insist in voting. Elect your own idiot because it helps to counterbalance the other idiot. It has worked in the US. Don't you realize why half the humanity want to migrate to your country (land of opportunities) and the other half hate you (plain envy)?

[Michael W]

thieves44:
You and your wife decided to have 3 children and have her be a housewife. Your salary is not sufficient to comfortably allow this. Isn't that just bad planning? I do not live in the US and I do not know anything about the health care system. Wouldn't having had one child and/or your wife work have put you in a much better financial situation?

[James]

Maybe the best thing for this country would be to find someone that was even worse than the current monkey, let them drive the nation straight into the ground, and then start over. Call this the AA plan, once you hit rock bottom there is only one way to go.

[simon]

" A car running out of tune will produce an average of 30% MORE harmful emmissions DAILY."

and hourly and monthly and yearly. Thats how percentages work

"keep your belts lubed"

Dont lubricate drive blets, they will slip Dumbass

[simon]

" make a bit over 80k a year - have a wife and 4 kids. We struggle to pay the mortgage on a small 4 bedroom rambler. Utilities & sundries consume the majority of my remaining salary. We are able save a very small amount of money for sending the kids, eventually, to a local community college. Our own retirement looks bleak. I pay close to 1000 a month for family dental and health insurance. I do not drive a new car and have no car payment. I do not carry any credit card debt because further debt would put us into the poor house. Living expenses - mortgage costs - and health care insurance rates vary based on your geography.
"

I make about 70k ( 35,000 uk pounds ), get free healthcare , and free dental for myself and my aprtner and my 3 kids. Drive a new car , have a motorbike, employer pays 5% pension. when my kids go to uni, they get an interrest free loan to cover the costs.

Im also protected by a minimum wage and a legal requirement for paid leave

And my house is worth 12% more than last year.

Until now I wanted to work in the US

[Wolfger]

I think the password on Diebold machines is "W".

[Oli]

While I think its a good idea in principal you have to admit within one series the 'think tanks' would be replaced with people judged 'more entertaining' by the producers.

Give it two years and there will be a complete lack of intelligence and instead a couple of flagrantly gay people (More gay than any normal gay person would be) a couple of complete foul mouthed c*nts who start trouble and talk bollox, a couple of airhead blondes who make idiots of tehmselves nationally but hold a captive audience incase for a split second in 4 months of programs they accidentally let a breast escape and an old man who spends the entirity of the series trying to get into either or both of the blondes knickers.

http://yorksocial.evolutiondirectory.com
http://ramblingsofanofficeworker.blogspot.com

[Oli]

"UK's big brother show spread quickly round the world. (Apologies on behalf of UK for that)"

It isnt a british based show, it came from mainland europe where it didnt censor 80% of the conversations an 90% of anything interesting, did involve fights, sex copious nudism and all in all was far more interesting.

http://ramblingsofanofficeworker.blogspot.com

[Dramenbnejs]

If you give me some usernames and URL for the election voting, I will vote for you from abroad (hack hack, I am not US citizen).

[Mick]

I misread your post and thought your reality TV show involved regular Tanks (rather than the thinking variety) competing to solve the worlds problems. In my mind this became an awesome Gladiators type show where Tanks competed in contrived games to "solve" world problems:

"...and now Sherman will compete against Humvee in WALL SMASH to solve Global Warming...."

[Andrew]

Great Idea. Americans, please post your unused passwords for us poor un represented Europeans.

On an audience participation debate show a woman was defending Fayed for spending £10M on getting to the truth about his son and Diana’s death. "He can afford it and he has the right to have the truth - he deserves the truth" she said. Over and over she said it while the pundits kept replying - "but it's your money, you are paying for it through your taxes, and he's had the truth, twice now..." It wasn’t until the host pitched in, made everything quiet and said to her in level tones - "He has had two inquests, and it is the taxpayer who is paying the £10M, not Fayed." Her reply - "Yes, I understand that but he can afford it and he deserves the truth." Can't we cut the public out of this whole voting thing? The TV companies in the UK certainly did with other shows and they are being hammered for it weekly with new fines and sackings.

[pierre]

OK guys, I just tried and the password is 'Crawford'.
Took a while to guess.

[Francesco Orsenigo]

Wasn't a matter of pride in US to overconsume?
I would have expected earning Patriotism Flags by consuming MORE instead of LESS...
But then again I'm a terrorist-lover European.
(Not that here we don't like to overconsume...)

Impressive post Scott, but then again, I don't really see the difference with our (western) system.
Seriously: we already have think tanks competing for being loved by the people, doing the most enteratinement-wise choices suported by "experts"...

[Elisa]

Scott, on this platform I'd elect you in an instant!

Wonderful post!

[Alan]

Don't think that American Idol is a worldwide sensation. It's amusing to watch how fascinated Americans get over such trivia. On par with the Euro-song "competition".

[Erasmus Montanus]

Hallo, frant gif ad monk tre ølsa gritfit.
Foly sambo nörd äsba fjord. Ha ha ha ha!

[Väike televaataja]

Oh, one thing more about my idea... you'd probably ask what about running US then? Leaving it still to Bush?
Well, who cares? I think average american cares a lot more about having a good TV-show than about whether some bearded people get shot or not. Doesn't he?

[Väike televaataja]

I don't think that will work in US. Think about what should Bush do then? Be the host of the show? No, I don't think he will agree.
But maybe it will work out for my homeland, Estonia. In a bit different way, so that Estonia is run by a reality-show aired in US. And is produced in Estonia and all the revenue goes to Estonian state. Of course, no estonian would like the idea that their country is run by american reality show.... but as the profit of the show would probably be about the size of budget of Estonia, noone will protest.
Americans get their show and estonians get the money, everyone happy.

[Utopian]

I hope I'm not restating someone else's post, but...

I have been advocating biofuels for some time, and hoping that we would be able to lick the efficiency problems given time, commitment and economies of scale. Sadly, my bubble burst this week when I read an article in a chemistry journal on the subject. My own mild superpower is chemistry, and having seen the numbers in the article, I have to conclude (as the experts and well-informed people already have) that the so-called first-generation biofuels (ie bioethanol and FAME/RME/biodiesel) will not be able to make a spectacular contribution to making road transport carbon neutral. Don't get me wrong, they're trying to get us moving in the right direction, but they need too much agricultural land to be viable as a complete replacement strategy for all fossil fuel. The second generation biofuels, where instead of starches or oils being commercially grown we elect to grow cellulose-producing species and use enzyme technology to produce the fuels and feedstocks seems to be the next best hope, as some of these species can be grown on less productive land, thereby not placing strain on the food production systems. The solution moves some years into the future, and needs more research, but it sounds like we have learned from the first generation and moved forward. Yay chemists!

[Thomas]

Reality TV show already implementet. It's called Switzerland. We currently reelect our parliament and discuss on whether or not to ban smoking in public spaces. We therefore pass a law, effectively outlawing smoking in bars, too, except if they are able to proof that they cannot implement the ban without significantly changing their establishment... The Show is on for over 150 years now. Initially, it was great, but it's getting boring for both the viewers and the participants. Lukily you only have a 4-year term...

[Columbo]

Easy with the gas guzzler bashing, mate; your M3 isn't exactly a tree-hugger's wet dream.

[Venkatdeep]

Dilbert cartoonist for US presidential bid.
News sources indicate a new development in the political arena with Dilbert cartoonist entering the fray. With a rather unlikely running candidate Mr.Adams chooses his cat to be his VP. Much is to be seen if he can spell DOOM for the famous democrat/ rep candidates. Mr.Adams perhaps is already ready with fighting points for the presidential debate vowing to do away with nutcases fighting over coconuts among other things and would not necesairily include the shooting of bearded people! This is going to be 'turtle heads unlimited!!'
Political analysts point out Mr.Adams has a reasonable chance of winning the debates thanks to his extensive vocabulary and the inclusion of sheesh kababs and ganbataar.
Financial support is welcome. Payment by credit cards accepted. Bewildered supporters asked where they would have to swipe the cards...till Mr.Adams said..."thats easy.."and bent over!

Scott, it would surely be good news if you entered the political arena. I'd love to hear what the USA would have to say about a cartoonist president.

P.S. Is it true that Americans have a bias to voting for a 'non-bald' candidate?? Whats the mane got to do with elections??

Cheers

[Matt]

Fantastic, that would be an exhibition of true democracy and freedom, and no-one could possibly be against freedom, ergo you already win. Congratulations Mr President.

[Sreeram]

Brilliant writeup. One of your funnier posts in recent times. I think you might be onto something here. I think the future policies will be decided based on Online voting and sms polls. But some sneaky bastard will find a way to break that system to loot the country.

[Reepekg]

"Our current energy policy in The United States involves shooting bearded people."

Yeah. Those rustic Canadians and their tar sands are next.

[Cutty]

"...our current energy policy in The United States involves shooting bearded people."

Gold Scott, absolute gold :-)

[Jonny]

I love this blog.

If you want to win an election Scott, why don't you just do whatever it was that W. did in 2000? Who says you need people to vote for you to win?

Then if you do win, invent stories, tell lies & go to war with some random country. It's a proven way of getting re-elected.

[Avi Bernshaw]

I think this is a really bad idea, Scott.

Have you seen a film called "Idiocracy"?
I think this is a sure fire way to end up with that particular scenario.

Ironically enough, it's a movie made by FOX.

[صور]

You've got my vote!!

[صور]

You've got my vote!!

[Kim]

You've got my vote! (and I'm not even a US citizen!)

-k.

[Ricky]

u have my vote

[Jeff]

Good luck finding the "experts." The problem is that most people with actual competence in a field either aren't photogenic, aren't interested in such a show, or don't seem that remarkable at first glance (which, in turn, is what determines whether a pilot fails or succeeds).

Hence the preponderance of "intellectuals" such as O'Reilly who just make up facts to justify their opinions.

[plen]

hey scott, what makes you think that your reality tv show would become a contest to find the best policy instead of the most hyped-up policy sexed-up with oodles of spin?

Can anyone say Sanjaya?

[Bill]

>vote for Scott Adams as a write-in for president of the United States.

Scott, you're orders of magnitude richer than any of the candidates, and have millions of supporters (even I support you, relative to the existing kleptocrats... though I wish you'd read some David Friedman or Jesus de Soto... your college "economics" is pretty bad). If you want to be President, no one can stop you.

(Of course then they'll either Diebold you or just plain "die" you... but you'd be the most famous dead cartoonist ever. If you check out Alcor.org, you could even be a famous dead FROZEN cartoonist, and make a Futurama comeback!)

[D. Mented]

As for the energy problem, and resources in general;
the solution for that is birth control (with a side order of sex ed in public schools)
Nothing that we do is all that harmful in moderation; the problem is that there are six and a half billion of us using resources at once, and the count is still rising.
If the population doesn't at least level off very soon, there will not be any solution that can provide for the needs of humanity.
D. Mented

[D. Mented]

Here's my plan (well, part of it)
First, we give employers back the right to terminate employment for anyone showing a pattern of unacceptable work behavior (violence, sleeping on the job, total incompetence, etc)without proving drug use.
Then we make crimes that are committed while on drugs a compound crime instead of a mitigating circumstance (like armed robbery is more serious because people have to deal with you and your weapon, stoned robbery would be more serious because people would have to deal with you and your shrunken head)
Then we legalise, regulate, and tax the shit out of all recreational drugs. Same basic premise as alcohol; no driving under the influence, if there's an accident you get tested, kids can't have any, but if you can have a good time without interfering with other people's rights, we won't interfere with yours. The taxes should be so high the price doesn't drop when it goes legal, and in the case of very cheap and lethal ones - like "cheese" heroin, it should increase the price dramaticly.
Call it the "uniform intoxicants code"
Only one type of job would still be drug tested without an incident; life responsible jobs. I don't want to wait until a bus driver or a surgeon kills somebody to find out if he uses while at work. Or a judge, either.
The taxes should be earmarked for the first ten years; create a new WPA to rebuild and improve America's infrastructure. The jobs created would be offered as work release to people now in prison for drug-only crimes (no violence, no stealing to get drugs, etc)so they can work their way back into the public instead of dropping all of them into the unemployment line at once. These jobs should pay a fair market wage, and any that the convicts can't do, or there just aren't enough workers for, go to Americans out of work first, before bringing people in from other countries on work visas. No "Undocumented" workers - that system has to end.
This improves the work situation and the overcrowded prisons at the same time.
Some of the drug taxes will have to be given to the police permanently because right now about half of their funding comes from drug seizure-auctions.The rest goes into the general fund after the WPA is finished.
It doesn't solve all the problems out there, but it solves some very big ones. And what we have now does exactly nothing to slow the sale and use of recreational drugs.
D. Mented

[YITBOS]

I imagine it would air on CSPAN, and then people would actually WATCH that channel! Right now the peak number of viewers relies on how many people simultaneously turn it on for that half second while flipping channels and think "Fuck that. I'd rather watch that stupid Magic Bullet blender infomercial" before going to the next channel.

[bcammack]

While diesel powerplants have some tangible benefits to their owners, there is some concern the the precipitous snowmelt seen in the northern regions has less to do with greenhouse gas produced global warming and more to do with accumulations of diesel soot inhibiting the efficient reflection of solar energy.

I don't have an opinion one way or another. I'm just mentioning it.

[Joan]

"...the current political process where idiots elect liars to transfer wealth to crooks."

Brilliant. May I quote you? Best articulation of our current political process EVER. Thank you.

Unfortunately, unless the think tank contestants are "hot," not wearing underwear, high and and possess the attention span of a gnat, the show is doomed.

Hmmmm...

Maybe if you kill one of the losing think tank teammates on live TV...we haven't seen THAT yet. Sheesh...

[Mason]

hehe, noah vaile, no avail

[Drethelin]

I'd vote for you

[john]

But watching eggheads argue is BORING, even to a fairly bright guy like me. It always seems to devolve into pedantry and minutia. Maybe you should starve them a bit and make them argue with a donut as a prize.

[Giordy]

Ok Scott, here's a clue (you sorely need it):

Every issue has a plurality of plausible solutions, and it's impossible to decide which one is best without resorting to a set of predefined criteria (otherwise called ideology).

That's right Scott, here's a newsflash for you, politics are based on ideology, not science!

"Think tanks" and "experts" will never even agree on what is squirrel shit and what is caviar, let alone agree on what is the "best" solution.
And viewers will watch your stupid show just to root for their side (their ideology), not to genuinely vote for the "best" solution.
There is no such thing as THE best solution!

One would think that with an IQ of 168 you could have figured this stuff out a long time ago, Scotty. Maybe the aspartame in your diet coke is melting your brain?

[Glenn]

You know, I was just thinking the other day that if I were (somehow) elected President, I'd give you a cabinet position, Scott. You, Marilyn Vas Savant, hubby Robert Jarvik, Bill Gates & Warren Buffet.... hmmm... who else?

[Bri]

And by the way, how can mere agitation cause someone to think they got 4 kids instead of 3? Did you get so agitated that you gave this imaginary kid a name? I hope you calmed down in time so when the kid didn't show for dinner you didn't file a missing person report.

So do you stub your toe and suddenly you think you got an Aunt Maggie?

[Bri]

I think its horrible that JPS made a horrible joke at Mother Teresa'a expense . You wouldn't see me doing that.

|

[Joe Tao]

Love it, great post once again.

[Mason]

And the funny thing is that we are so proud that we are ruled by multiple liars, as opposed to just one. Even if we vote the liar in, the vote doesnt count because chances are that the liar has will change there policies the same way any of the others would. Unless of course he were an idiot, then he would send troops to iraq.

[Tim]

"But you have to compare it to the current political process where idiots elect liars to transfer wealth to crooks."

Bar none, the best summary of our current political system I've ever heard!

[random]

'Before American Idol, who predicted that a show featuring bad singers (mostly) would be a worldwide sensation?'

Well Simon Fuller and Simon Cowell obviously (among others). They had already been very successful with the format in the UK (Called Pop Idol rather than American Idol of course) so I'm sure they didn't have too much trouble persuading people it would work in rest of the world. There does seem to be an appeal to watching morons. UK's big brother show spread quickly round the world. (Apologies on behalf of UK for that)

[Memo G.]

Jim already commented on this but, did your seed idea come from reading this month's National Geographic?

[No. -- Scott]

[Billy B]

I'm writing in my own name. If we are going to have an idiot for president I think it should be me. And the first thing I would do (if I could get away with it) is break up the whole damn government and political system and start over again. And keep it as simple as possible.

The next thing I would do is get out of all other countries we are not wanted in. And try to reduce the war machine and encourage other counties to do the same.

Mankind is on a fast track to destroying himself, but maybe that would be a good thing. Humans are interesting, but they are a pain in the butt.
Billy B

[Jon]

Give Wally a cabinet post: Secretary of Labor.

[thieves44]

Apologies to LA Clay,

In agitation I stated I have 4 children. Truth is I have only 3. For that I apoligize.

You however are still an idiot.

[amenot]

Hillarious! but it's reality, no kidding.
I sure will vote for S.Adams, or J.Stewart+S.Colbert.
I'm glad I was NOT one of those
"idiots elect liars to transfer wealth to crooks".
It reminds me that I am surrounded with idiots here, ik!

[Fascist Nation]

You can count on my votes.

[Duncan]

So, er where do I go to vote again?

[DanW]

The problem is the short attention span of the average US citizen. If a policy was made to improve education, and a week later Idiot A's child came home and their test score went from 85 to 82, Idiot A would complain that the new plan wasn't working and a new policy should be enacted.

Also, government policy needs to be taken as a whole. You cannot have one policy and then wipe the slate clean when looking at the next policy. There is so much overlap that there would be issues where there is overlap. For example: If you have a policy for education and a policy for medicine, what about the folks who are in medical research? Are both policies affecting them and are they in conflict?

Politics are about making the tough decisions. I don't think a voting public has the stomach for making the really tough decisions.

And what of decisions regarding military, cia spying, etc? It is not like you can make all the information public in order to make the proper decisions.

[thieves44]

Dear LA Clay,

I make a bit over 80k a year - have a wife and 4 kids. We struggle to pay the mortgage on a small 4 bedroom rambler. Utilities & sundries consume the majority of my remaining salary. We are able save a very small amount of money for sending the kids, eventually, to a local community college. Our own retirement looks bleak. I pay close to 1000 a month for family dental and health insurance. I do not drive a new car and have no car payment. I do not carry any credit card debt because further debt would put us into the poor house. Living expenses - mortgage costs - and health care insurance rates vary based on your geography.

But of course you wouldn't know that when you live shoved up your own ass. It must be very cheap for you to get by indeed.

Idiot.

[sam]

Where can I get the Tshirt, the banner, the buttons?

Adams'08!

[Dio]

Adams for President!!! hehehe...

[Tyler]

Corn ethanol is better, because we can grow it here, so more money will go to Americans. Also, I come from a family of farmers, so I would really like it if you all made us rich.

[Fergus]

I wonder if you've ever read anything by Philip K. Dick? He's a brilliant author with very similar ideas to your own. One of his books, Solar Lottery I think, describes a future in which the president of earth is chosen randomly by a planet wide lottery, while the real power is held by a select group of monopolistic companies, thereby allowing people that are actually intelligent enough to rise to the top in such companies to run the planet while giving people the illusion that they rule themselves. Everbody's happy.

[DB]

Your political reality TV show will only work if the setting is a very warm climate where the folks have to dress down or undress. You never saw "Survivor Siberia" or "Big Brother Alaska," did you? Of course not, too many clothes covering those ***holes. But, nevermind, who would want to see their political candidates wearing bikinis and Speedo's ?

[andre]

Here in Brazil this technology is very new, hardly used, it is however starting to get some traction.

It is only cheaper because the byproduct of the operation can be used for animal feed, however there is only a certain sized market for that, if it were done excessively than it would be more expensive.

[JPS]

Wonderful. Simply Wonderful.

[Bri]

Evidently my position as the acknowledged blog site sycophant is under attack. I will not go down lightly. Therefore, let me say this: I won't vote for you because if you were assassinated (Note: I cared enough to spell the word correctly unlike some pseudo-sycophant commentators who’ll go unnamed) there will be no one left to make me jelly-belly chortle. Today I laughed so hard at work that I actually had tears running down my face, snot dripping down from my laugh-filled nostrils, and joyful drool dripping down the upturned cheery corners of my quivering lips. I fervently read today's blog post from my usual position on my knees with my eyes partly shaded from the illuminance of your wit, then a few more from the archives, including the one on Dog Fighting–Why Not?. I tried so hard not to laugh out loud that I herniated myself in three to four places- including in one area I had high hopes to be using this weekend. I tell you most sincerely that I've never met you --regardless of what your retraining orders and supporting affidavits may say-- and most likely won't, but still I adore you, your unique and holy spirit and your nasty (in-a-good-way-which-the-other-pseudo-sycophant-didn’t-make clear) wit, your understandable fascination with the word turd (hopefully it ends with just the word) I even love your penis jokes but not in a gay way. You are alchemic, intellectual, smart, funny, brave, rich, an excellent drawer, an incredible restauranteur, and kind to animals, fish, fowls, inanimate objects, and humans. Unlike that deadbeat self-promoter Mother Teresa. what you do positively impacts so many trillions of people. I would say God Bless you, but clearly He already has....

[Kevin Kunreuther]

Boy, what a sad, funny comment on how the whole western civilization is slowly spiraling down the drain ... can somebody stop the process and clog up the pipes?

[Wickwrackrum]

Nice post.

But, will people care if they get an american flag or some other flag in their energy bills? Even if one were to store each households average flag numbers and regulate entry to national sporting events or some such regulation, it would just cause outrage by people since there is not much relation.

Perhaps the car idea might work to some extent. The reality show idea,as you say, would be nice to watch with good direction and production. The miss usa girl who said 'most americans don't have maps' should be a non-oustable contestant.

[Erika]

Billy -
"Hey Dipy911, get you head out of the gas tank. I drive a VW diesel and I get about 61 miles to a gallon on the Highway and about 55 in the city. Lets not forget that 1)Diesel burn hotter therefore cleaner. 2)Diesel is a waste product in the production of Gasoline. 3)Less expensive (at least in Canada.) approximately $1.00 less a gallon.
Better for the environment and better for my wallet"

Hear Hear! I drive a New Beetle Diesel and I match those numbers. And love every minute! I'm converting to Bio-Diesel soon too, just another step in the right direction.
Oh, and Tizzle? "Bio fuels (corn etc) actually produce MORE CO2 than gasoline." yeah, no. Actually, it's still less harmful than straight gasoline or straight diesel. As an electric car and alternate fuel advocate I've done my homework, trust me.

Of course, an immediate fix of the exhaust pollution would be 1. to have people start carpooling and 2. GET A TUNE UP! A car running out of tune will produce an average of 30% MORE harmful emmissions DAILY. Keep your oil changed, keep your belts lubed and watch that check engine light (it's not just there to remind you the engine exists) and your car will take a small step toward being more enviromentally friendly.

[ed]

Check out this US Carbon Footprint Map, an interactive United States Carbon Footprint Map, illustrating Greenest States to Cities. This site has all sorts of stats on individual State & City energy consumptions, demographics and much more down to your local US City level...

http://www.eredux.com/states/

[Irving]

You had me at Hello :) And when you said: "the current political process where idiots elect liars to transfer wealth to crooks. How's that working out for you?"

I'd vote for you anytime :)

[Fuzznsmoo]

Combine that with a requirement that only ideas that achieve a supermajority vote can become law and I think you're on to something.

[Mike D]

Diesel is not a waste product from the production of gasoline.

[Rich T.]

Scott, your proposal doesn't sound that different from what we can already watch today on CSPAN: "a reality TV show where think tanks compete for the best solutions to everything from health care to energy policy to immigration". The difference is you'd try to get people to watch by making it "exciting". Good luck with that...

But I do love your undying and endearing faith in "smart people".

[EdOF]

We already have reality tv shows for politics.
They're called 'debates'.
And we have a reality tv show for the outcome.
It's called an 'election'.

[bcammack]

[Sarcasmo wrote: HAL, please explain to us why a family of 4 making $80,000 per year needs the GOVERNMENT to pay for their child's healthcare? That's more than my family is earning and we're just fine without any help from Uncle Sam thankyouverymuch.]

You do your own research on that figure or do you believe everything Great White Father Bush tells you?

Let's not even begin to consider that you and your family are living YOUR life in YOUR circumstances. You obviously don't have the wit to imagine that other people might just be in completely different circumstances than yourself. Say a family of six living in Los Angeles, for instance, where a median home is over $400,000.00. $80k just might be subsistence-level in those circumstances...

[KiwiBloke]

My neighbour is doing a university degree - something to do with research into creating biofuels from renewable resources like fish scales and old socks. I've never really understood a word he's said about it.

Apparently his major discovery so far is an excellent way of using university equipment to build a still that produces some pretty powerful hooch. It keeps disappearing down his neck before it gets anywhere near an internal combustion engine.

My tax dollars at work!

[Noah Vaile]

Your politics is amazingly naive bordering on plain ole stupid. Your humor can be amazingly funny and marvelously complex. Who the hell was your programmer anyway?

[Mark Thorson]

My opponent is flip-flopping.
Earlier, he said he'd pass on
all decisions to Oprah. What
happened to that proposal?

On the other hand, I've been
consistent in saying that if
elected I will implement my
secret plan for energy, peace
in the Middle East, illegal
immigration, and global
warming.

[Florin]

Scott Adams for President!

You said it yourself earlier on this blog, the idiots will never elect a competent president, but the tall one with the best hair...

[Rafael Cavalcanti]

Well, as for Brazil having it right, I do think so. Sugar cane provides a highly efficient fuel with low gas emissions. Its power is not sufficient for heavy-duty machinery (such as trucks and buses), but a sort of biodiesel is already under research. I hope to spark your interest in reading more into this--it could become a profitable area for share investment.

[Steve]

I would definitely vote for you. How great of a country would we be if we actually had an intelligent person running it?

[Erik]

As a patriotic Canadian, I consider it my duty to vote for you. I will try the passwords you suggested.

[jim]

ahhhh...so you subscribe to National Geographic too

[David]

I don't wish somebody would kill you.

[@Rob]

Reagan what a great password choice.

This blog cracks me up, especially the mileage section. You would have people competing for the lowest number possible. People would be putting gallon/mile stickers on their vehicle. A common redneck/teenager quote would be "My carburetor leaks more gas than your truck burns!" Or "You want to plug an electric cable into my truck? How 'bout I plug it in y'ur butt!"

The reality show is a good idea but there would have to be drama. Would the hook be the contestant's IQ? "Egghead one's IQ is 188 and seems to be struggling. Meanwhile Egghead three has made great strides with only an IQ of 162." (the announcer would have to be the guy that does the world series of poker in the US)

[justin]

hi scott,

while on the subject of politics, I had a great brainstorm to share with you. our biggest corrupting problem is the way elections are funded. we have big companies buying influence, and we can't stop the flow of money to candidates as it is "free speech." on the other hand, public funding of elections makes no sense as any goombah could get millions of tax dollars.

so how how about this: we create a pool of public money from taxes. then we send every citizan of voting age a voucher. you can't spend it, you just get to send it to whatever candidate you want to have it. the candidates then get to cash them in and use them to run campaigns. then, if we realize we sent to the wrong candidate, we can change our minds on election day. whaddya think? - jl

[Bane]

I'll dynamite an entire pond to get one fish, and set a forest fire to cook it. Nobody of any consequence gives a shit about conservation or the environment. I'll drive the biggest damn pick-up I can find. The more gas the better. And every Earth Day, I burn a big stack of styrofoam and aerosol cans, and I piss on Gaia at every opportunity.

[dipy911]

<<

Yes, but it takes about the same amount of CO2 to grow the plants in the first place.

[Carter]

Scott, this made me genuinely laugh out loud. Thanks. This was just freakin' brilliant.

"But you have to compare it to the current political process where idiots elect liars to transfer wealth to crooks. How's that working out for you?"

[E]

Scott,

You need to reword this one just slightly, so folks can add it to your "quote pages" out there on the internet.

"...the current political process where idiots elect liars to transfer wealth to crooks."

Nice!

It always makes me a little nervous when people talk about our government as the best one the world has ever seen. I love America, and there are a lot of very cool things [insert Constitution here] about it... but we will have some distance to go :)

[Dick]

Your "patriotism rating" would never work, because the media would attack and ridicule it until it was abandoned. The media could not cope with a system giving Bush's home 4 American flags and Al Gore's home 2 Saudi flags.

[disembodied consciousness]

OK, I can breathe again. Stop being so funny!

The really sick part is that I can't find anything wrong with your idea. What money-hungry think-tank wouldn't want the publicity of winning on America's Funniest Ideas That Just Might Work.

Great ideas that politicians wouldn't normally support because their rich backers don't get enough bucks would get popular play, and thus have a chance to be implemented. Idiot ideas could get the public scorning they so properly deserve.

People *do* watch TV about policy. They just normally don't get anything as good as you propose.

Scott Adams '08!!!

So, just for the sake of my own curiosity, who would be your running mate?

[Todd]

Reality TV is Dogbert's version of public humor and humiliation.

[John Elliot]

> $80,000 per year for 1 is a struggle enough, anywhere outside Hickville, Alabama that is.

What percentile do you think that an income of USD80k puts one in? I think you'll find that the number of places where that isn't a lot of money for one person to be quite small. The typical person doesn't live somewhere that costs USD24k annually to rent a soap box, even outside of Alabama.

There is an important detail that you're highlighting if a bit poorly, which is that the cost of living varies in the U.S., and that makes simple income comparisons inappropriate.

[rita mae]

Diana W. Are we clones? Did Scott program us both? Are we dancing? Do you have a turtle head? Do you know Bobby? Do you have free will?

I'm ill, but there isn't enough room here for me to post it all. Besides, be careful. Jeff doesn't like to hear about illness. He will ask you if you have phlegm.

Bobby says "hi."

When I take my dirt nap, I am going to have my stone read "I told you I didn't feel good." That will show them.

Glad you are better. Scott and I care. Fuck the rest of them.

Rita Mae

[Jennifer]

To make the first idea really work, you also have to mandate that households display their patriotism rating. Then everyone knows who the great big Saudi-kissing losers are.

I'd also love to do away with the Electoral College and replace it with, Who Wants to Be the President? Just like Who Wants to Be a Superhero? but with minor changes:

- Stan Lee is replaced by some universally-beloved former politician - not necessarily American, but hopefully old enough that his mental censors have failed a bit and he will say what he feels.

- Public votes will be used for the judging.

- Supervillains are replaced by unreasonable dictators. Still as maniacal in some cases, perhaps, but others are whiny losers whose main superpower is leaving very few (if any) options that don't make the candidates look bad.

[LA Clay]

Since there has been a developed sideline of children's healthcare i must monkey dance.

Yes an american family making 80k a year can afford health care, you just can't afford that in conjunction with your lexus, boob jobs, Plasma TV and the other superficial trappings you call life. Use the interest you pay on your Credit cards to pay for health care. Build your self worth, not your self-image.

I suggest before you start blaming the government for your personal shortcomings, accept responsiblity for your family.

[Nick For Now]

I think we should get Greg House to be the witty guy, and the writers should have our country get way worse for a while but then suddenly every American is pretty, happy, fit and can play like 4 instruments.

It would be cool to be in a band with you Scott. But if you're president you'll probably be really famous and be too busy to play with me :(

[Scottin08!]

I've long been willing to take the risk that you'll get shot as president. The sheer amusement value of watching you in office would be worth the risk in my book.

Of course, I'm not the one that will be dodging bullets.

[Marco]

Scott, you quip about your Presidency, but I think the time has come for you to seriously consider writing a couple of notebooks full of affirmations of the "I will become President of the United States" variety.

I'd vote for you, but I'm not American so I'll need to hack into the system. Thanks for the password suggestions.

[Tim Martin]

Back in the seventies a bunch of post revolutionary hippies decided to solve the energy problem. At the outset it was pretty easy to do. Then after many consecutive theoretical and practical successes we all learned what the problem really was: The Central Bank. The price of petroleum and it's deployment as an energy source was only ever a function of the ruling families maintaining power and never a product of authentic engineering.

Ron Paul offers the only viable energy solution for this planet. Dissolve the federal reserve bank, shut down the military industrial complex, end the IRS and let competitive state government solve energy state by state. Finally these same hippies (or their historical replacements) would get a chance to implement the thousands of viable ideas we worked out 30 years ago. Or better ideas from just yesterday.
Your think tank reality show plan is exactly why we have the energy problem. Think tanks figured out they could tell the educational system that petroleum comes from dinosaurs.
Therefore it is "fossil fuel" and a "non-renewable" resource. Because it comes from dinosaurs you see...
This was the same think tank that figured out the application of Malthusian scarcity to the De Beers diamond operation.
Think tanks also produced your twisted idea that petroleum has something to do with poor Muslims worshiping Allah instead of Jesus. Hence our "dependence on foreign oil."
Think tanks produced the idea that nuclear energy (with no casualties or injuries) was very dangerous but that petroleum (which produces a human killing poison as a necessary function of operation) was perfectly safe.
Think tanks produced the strategy by which the Oil companies bought the patent rights to any improvement in the internal combustion model and locked them away.

As for the big solution remember this: Sunspots are positively charged and produce an ion stream to our planet. The Earth can be negatively charged. Electricity is inherently wireless. The Tesla world system already worked in 1900. It would work today. Except for that problem with the central bank...

[John Elliot]

If there were a television show where policy decisions were discussed by think tank shills[1] the topics would center on similar hot-button issues that are brought up during election cycles[2] and the process itself would only generate ideas and not statutes. It would also concentrate power into the hands of those deciding what is interesting enough to get ratings, or paid the most to be selected[3].

[1] I'd argue that these exist in the dilute form of 24-hour cable news network programs.
[2] Boys kissing, 9/11, abortion, 9/11, gonna take er guns, 9/11, ...
[3] Now we're back to cable news programming.

[Amit]

Password: "123" Password: "Reagan"
Password(Note: Another wrong entry and you kneel before Bush) : "Bush Sucks" 'Cast your vote'

My vote with you Scott. I know my final entry will surely let me in, atleast once if not more. By the way, what will the reality show be called? "We, the Turtleheads"?

[Kim Scarborough]

"Before American Idol, who predicted that a show featuring bad singers (mostly) would be a worldwide sensation?"

Chuck Barris?

[Tom]

Please remember, the United States of America is a REPUBLIC, not a democracy.

[MikeR]

I kinda like the idea but it won't happen and here's why:
Scott Adams runs for president in the closest vote in US history. Apparently Mickey Mouse is doing better than average in the polls this time around. It comes down to one vote in California and since Scott doesn't vote and therefore didn't vote for himself Mickey Mouse is elected President.

[Nix]

omfg...

"...who predicted that millions of people would watch a bunch of assholes fighting over a coconut?"

*snork* *falls off chair*

Hopefully my colleagues think I'm laughing and crying at the same time due to a nervous breakdown... and while on R&R in the Bahamas, I'd still read your blog.

Best one in a long time, Scott! I'm not in the US, but I'll try my luck with the electronic voting system (thanks for the password tips!)

You've got my vote. Adams for world pres...

[mizerock]

The whole idea of a TV show is to make money for the advertisers. The entertainment part is there so you'll sit through the commercials.

That said, you'll never see your TV show take place, not without major limitations placed on it that would neuter it from the start. No Think Tanks will be allowed to promote any policies that would result in a network sponsor losing revenue.

Heck, you can't even give money to a network to have them show your paid advertisement, if the message criticises the consolidation of media (clearly) or if it threatens to hurt the interests of a corporate partner of the broadcast industry.

[BrandonM]

Hey Scott,

Here is a good article on Ethanol.

http://www.economist.com/science/displaystory.cfm?story_id=9861379

The gist of it is that Ethanol probably isn't our fuel soulution but considering the rapid technoligical advancement the world has been going through, it probably wont be long before we discover a good alternative.

[Bill]

So now governments will solve problems because Scott Adams runs them?

I thought you said you took economics?

[Stomper]

To make this "reality" show work, you'd have to pose at least one completely UNrealistic challenge every week. What would those look like?

--Stomper

[Nimrod]

Hilarious, shocking and thought-provoking. I have no idea how you crank these posts out as a side hobby, while sipping your morning Diet Coke. Most mornings I can't even remember how to login to my computer.

The TV show and the energy bill ideas are actually not bad. I see how your TV show idea is an evolution of a website idea you posted about a few months back.

A buddy of mine lives in Europe, and if I understood him correctly, he explained that in some countries (Switzerland maybe), people often vote on individual policy issues, instead of electing people to decide every single issue for them. Don't know the extent to which that's true, but it's interesting.

[Mark]

Decisions? Policy? Voting? Sounds like too much power in the hands of the plebs if you ask me.

Though I've got to admire the idea of a celebrity edition. California already has The Terminator doing the policy over there, perhaps John Stewart could do New York, Britney Spears could do... no, wait, scratch that... bad idea.

As for Scott for President, probably best paraphrased as Scott '08, any idea who your running mate would be? If he's a small dog with an egomaniacal complex then you have my vote.

[Sean]

You danced around a great way to increase voter turnout - make elections reality shows.

Heck lets make everything imporatant that people tend to ignore reality shows.

[John Nolan]

Perhaps the most interesting thing about this idea is that I can't see any way in which it would do worse than current systems of government.

Also, as an interesting addendum, if you charged people to vote, you could use the money generated to reduce taxes. People would love it.

[ND]

I can see the show now:
"Who Wants To Be The President"

Incidentally, your password suggestions didn't work. It was "password".

[Billy Arvia]

Scott,

You already know what the answer is. After all, we all visit a blog every day where someone witty makes fun of losers...

http://triplebee.squarespace.com/

[Canadian Cousin]

Hey Dipy911, get you head out of the gas tank. I drive a VW diesel and I get about 61 miles to a gallon on the Highway and about 55 in the city. Lets not forget that 1)Diesel burn hotter therefore cleaner. 2)Diesel is a waste product in the production of Gasoline. 3)Less expensive (at least in Canada.) approximately $1.00 less a gallon.
Better for the environment and better for my wallet

Sorry I got a little off topic but I thought we were suppose to vote for Bill Gates?

[HALiverpool]

Sarcasmo: you shouldn't believe everything you read.

-HAL

[Tim]

Oi Scott!

You stole my idea!

A few weeks ago you asked us to post idea's about reality TV shows and my suggestion was one where a cabinate (senate) of loosers or celebrities debate the issues of the day and see if their idea's are better than the real government.

Alright so you get hundreds of respnses so there's a chance you didnt read mine.

[Shawn]

But if "Scott Adams" was actually elected by write-in, who would become the president? There's got to be hundreds, if not thousands, of people named Scott Adams in America. I can only imagine the legal circus as hundreds of Scott Adams file lawsuits asserting that they, in fact, were the one chosen by the People. Maybe there would be a run-off election between all the other Scott Adams. Perhaps a gladiatorial battle to the death?

[Alejandro]

Idiots, liars and crooks.

And that's the best system of all the systems that have been put to practice so far.

It really makes me want to go and have lots of children right away.

But if "Scott Adams" was actually elected by write-in, who would become the president? There's got to be hundreds, if not thousands, of people named Scott Adams in America. I can only imagine the legal circus as hundreds of Scott Adams file lawsuits asserting that they, in fact, were the one c