May 2008

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« Lucky in Vegas | Main | Party Planning »


Don - Needs Slot Machine Tips

I’m sure this is in the five-year plan. Longer term, people will be trained to set up automatic transfers from their banks to the casinos. People will just fly to Vegas, wander around on the tarmac while the casino drains their bank accounts, then board the plane and fly home. The airlines are already in on this concept, and stopped feeding you sandwiches a while ago.

An maybe even transfer money with theor cellular phones....sad.


Great idea with the ATM and slot machine. Hell, save those gamblers one step and hook the slot machine to withdraw from their bank account. Syphon the money straight from the source!


Mr Economist guy (Drew) is right in theory that the mathmatically stupid should be taxed via gambling if they so choose. If they do so and lose, then go live under a bridge somewhere, then I am cool with that. The problem is when some other person comes along, who can vote, and says, we should tax the non-gamblers to pay to help the poor guy living under the bridge. Then I have a problem with it.

I swear I have seen credit/debit card readers attached directly to the machines before... but my goal isn't so much to gamble in Vegas as it is to take advantage of the free booze and talk to crazy people. Good times, and amazingly, there are many of them. Who knew?


Eliminating the cardiovascular exercise required by trotting from one machine to another would result in the players dying faster, and ultimately reducing the time they spend chugging in quarters.

Make the machines like "dance-dance revolution" and you've got yourself a winner.

Jeffrey Horn

As always, great cynical insight. I thoroughly enjoyed the post. But my training in economics won't let me be light-hearted about it all. Two points (and a half):

1) It's not stealing if I voluntarily play.
2) If I get $1000 worth of joy out of spending 5 hours playing a game that rewards me $1,000,000 once in 10 million attempts, that's my business.

If I bought an Xbox and some video games, would I be "throwing my money away?" Time spent playing, and the entertainment value given during play, are equally important to why some people gamble. If I like seeing stuff spin for a few hours while I feed the machine money, I may be simple-minded, but not irrational.


Las Vegas seems to be behind the times. There are casinos in South Africa where you can insert your credit card into the slot machines and watch it take your money!

tech guy

I've always thought I was breaking even when the ATM gave me money. I guess the house takes a rake on that too, though.


Thank you. That is a perfectly lovely description of gambling and its future.


Maybe a credit card slot in the slot machine? seems quite obvious to me but what do I know... It probably exists already but I haven't been to Vegas...

Max Awesome

That was the funniest blogpost you've ever made. The line about an ATM making exciting noises was great - I've often thought that was the funniest kind of humour, minimising a socially accepted event like "gambling" by describing it in baffled, purely-experiential terms - denuded language that strips the sheen of normalcy from some everyday insanity.


I like to think of ways to complicate things. It takes me ( no joke ) about 17 minutes to toast bread.


Very simply done, Scott. Just rig up the slot machines to accept Interac cards.

Diana W

Here's a thought - can affirmations help you when gambling? I tried it a few months ago after your affirmation blog. I wrote an affirmation about being lucky, 10 times each day I remembered. Then when I was in the Bahamas on business, I tested my luck at the slot machines. I walked in with just 2 rules - I was only going to play $20 and I'd stop playing at a machine after I won something on it, regardless of how little. After 2 pulls on one machine a won a few dollars. 3 pulls on the next a won some more. About 5 of the last one, as I bet the last of my original $20 I won again. In the end I walked out about $200 ahead. Coincidence?


Maybe Vegas needs a new slogan now...

How about "Your money comes to Vegas, and stays in Vegas"


In a similar vein, all check cashing storefronts should be co-branded with Starbucks... withdraw from one window and buy high-priced mania-inducing fluids at another. Repeat.


All of this reminds me of the very amusing and very "frowned upon by the hollywood establishment" movie: Mafia!
They talked about much of this in it at the begining.

All the games including the ever popular "You lose" and who can forget "Sorry".
"The smart ones just send us the money"


I guess the trip is meant to give the 'player' the feeling they're going to do something special.
However, to otimize the process, let's include slotmachines in the departure hall of the airport as well, have a electronic screen in the seat in front of you, that will transfer *any* winnings into your account. Thinking about the religious people who supposedly took over Vegas, here's an idea for them, after having spent amount 'x' you are giving absolution for minor sin 'y' (I leave the details to them). We may even have to diversify there, cause a christian sin may not necessarily be a muslim or a jewish sin. I can see a market here ...


Quantity down and quality up. Your LV series of posts are amoung your best. Keep up the good work by not posting as often.


Bort, I guess you're still feeling self-concious about your issues with gambling, eh? We don't all open casinos for the same reason we don't mount our own space exploration programs: it's expensive and dangerous, but I guess you have to be a genious to realize something that obvious.

Kevin Kunreuther

Carl, you fucking fake pious poisonous hyperventilating hypocrite. If you think the casino business you're in is so evil and dehumanizing - QUIT! There are lots of jobs in this economy that can support and assuage your conscious. If you can't quit, do a Bob Parr by undermining your company's profits - lead gamblers away from the games, give them the info to Gamblers Anonymous, have them escorted out of the casino on a trumped up excuse, etc. Eventually, you'll get fired, but your conscious will be clear. Don't complain publicly that you can't stand working in a dehumanizing profession if you are profiting from your profession trafficing in human misery. Perhaps you'd feel better selling tobacco or liquor or hard drugs or working for a fast food restaurant or selling cars or working as a gasoline distributor or even growing corn (not as innocent an occupation as you may think, look it up!). Tell you what: quit now, and work for Scott drumming up business for Stacy's at Waterford, 'kay?


I loved today's strip about resources. It just ceased to be funny when I realized how true it was.


That's a great idea Scott! I can't believe no one has ever thought of it!

Oh yeah. The gaming industry has been wanting to do that for years. But it's illegal. Casinos have to follow all sorts of regulations. For example, slot machines can not accept ATM or Credit cards. Casinos must give out gambling addiction brochures and hotline info on request. There is a minimum payout for every machine. It varies by state, but usually is 80-85%.

I understand it is your thing to talk about, and make suggestions regarding stuff you know nothing about, and that's OK. Usually your blog is funnier, though.


My idea for more efficient casinos. Member of "general public" stands at ATM, makes transaction, sees message flash across screen: "Congratulations! You win a free transfer of $100 from your account to a casino in Vegas", turns around & shouts "I won!"


Hey Scott, if the book sales are low, why don't you add an new game to You could call it Slotbert and players could spin the reels. Three Catberts and a guy named Vinny comes by to break your kneecaps, but three "Dilbert gets laid" (tie is down instead of curled up) and you send an autographed copy of "Monkey Brain".

Speaking of new games, more would be nice; my 3 and 5 year olds really like the Phone game; since it's a memory game, I don't mind them playing and all it costs me now is the electricity.


Hey, if all you geniuses going on about how gamblers are so stupid were actually geniuses, wouldn't you be opening your own casinos?

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