Winners of the Book Blurb Contest!

Last month I ran a contest on this blog, to see who could write the most humorous book blurb for my new book, STICK TO DRAWING COMICS, MONKEY-BRAIN! The winners are in.

First, I give you the Amazon.com link to the book, in case you would like to do your holiday gift buying without the hassle of getting out of your chair and walking around. In the unlikely event that you read this blog AND you are a high achiever, AND you have a friend, AND you sometimes buy holiday gifts, you can also find the book at any local book store.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1591841852?ie=UTF8&tag=dilbertcom-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=1591841852

Many people were disqualified, usually because they didn’t leave their full name or e-mail address, or because they live outside the United States. I list some of the better disqualified entries at the end because they have entertainment value.

Congratulations to the winners (two of you had two winning entries apiece), and thanks for playing! Your prizes will arrive in about two week.

GRAND PRIZE WINNER

(Wins a framed original Dilbert strip)

"'What a perfect companion for my afternoon milk bath," I thought while picking up this little gem on my way home from work. Within the hour I had laughed myself into a neck-deep tomb of butter. My wife came in, sipping her eggnog, and topped me with meringue."

Nicolas Feia

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The next 25 winners get a signed copy of STICK TO DRAWING COMICS, MONKEY-BRAIN!

1. (First runner up)
Like a diligent little dung beetle, Adams slogs through the online jungle searching for fresh nuggets of news to polish into his daily blog entries. Some people say you can’t polish a turd, but after reading this book, I’d say they’re just not rubbing hard enough.

Matt Nelson

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2. As a smokin' hot woman, I found this book hilariously funny and I'd seriously consider making out with any guy I saw reading it.

Diana Wales

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3. I HAVE to buy this book! My kidnappers had a copy but my dad foolishly paid the ransom an hour too soon.

Richard Factor

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4. "This book was so good, I showed it to my wife and said, 'This is how sex is supposed to feel like."

Richard Yee

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5. If my dog could read, this is definitely the one book that I would want her to read to me!

Vincent Bernatowicz

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6. I was so upset when Grandad passed away from a Viagra overdose...It took us two weeks to nail the lid down on the coffin. I thought I'd never laugh again, until I read "STICK TO DRAWING COMICS, MONKEY-BRAIN". Scott Adams cures the jaded.

John Robinson

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7. Everything my children are learning in school is wrong. I used to think. Now I know. Kids, your new textbook is here! Welcome to home school.

Nicolas Feia

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8. This book immediately grabbed me by my cookies. Can't wait to have them dunked in the sequel.

Jonathan Germann

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9. I squeezed my eyes so hard when I laughed that it corrected the shape of my corneas and now I read better when I take my glasses off! Really! This book saved me a ton of money on laser eye surgery.

Joanne Powers

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10. I read every other page with my good eye closed. Now I can see music.

Billy Hart

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11. I used to be a nobody, and now i have a comment on the back of a book!

Chitrak Bandyopadhyay

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12. Man oh man, this is the kind of book my Pappy used to read to me before I went to sleep each night. Scott Adams, are you my Pappy?

Vincent Bernatowicz

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13. Even though this book killed my father, broke my brother’s legs, sold my mother into a life of prostitution, burnt our home to ashes, and left me an orphan on the street, jitter-bugging for pennies, I can not stay mad at it…it is just too funny.

Kevin Allen

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14. I started reading Stick to Drawing Comics, Monkey-Brain to my unborn child and it burst from my womb like that thing in Alien, grabbed the book and went back in. Damn baby, now I have to buy another copy.

Michael Rauma

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15. The reason that upper management restricted internet usage, now in convenient book form.

Rob Davis

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16. A delightful read...it has everything; humor, words, dangling participles, and did I detect a hint of nutmeg?

Chris Bachman

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17. This book was so funny my horse cried.

Jarrod Lancaster

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18. "Dear heirs, when I die please bury me with this book and Mr. Sniffles (the cat, not the butler)."

Carlos Gonzalez-Najera

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19. Scott Adams does it again. He does it hard, fast, and for money, just the way we like it. Life may go on if you don’t buy this book, but you’ll always wonder “What if?”

Erik Guttormsen

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20. I was reading this to my mother when she died. She refused to enter the light until I had finished.

Geoff Bonvallet

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21. A book so overflowing with brilliance and wit, it actually improves the quality of nearby books! Resellers: please stock a few copies of this book in your Garfield and Left Behind sections.

Paul Roub

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22. Like peanut butter for the soul.

John Coleman

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23. Finally, the answer to the question “What would Jesus read?”

Jim White

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24. "Learn Scott Adams' money-making real estate secrets in his runaway bestseller "STICK TO DRAWING COMICS, MONKEY-BRAIN!"

Bill Malloy

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25. Scott Adams brings it! That’s just the way he rolls, Dog. Word!!!

Vincent Bernatowicz

Disqualified But Worthy
--------------------------------

A snake made me read this book and it made me aware of my own nudity! Totally worth it!

Michael Collett (disqualified)

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Ernest Hemingway meets Ayn Rand...but then after the initial "hellos" there's this awkward silence, until he says something inappropriate like "nice tits" and she's all like "Say what!?", and they get into a slap fight.

SJC (disqualified)

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I don't want to say that this is the best book ever written, but as I slid it into my bookshelf a chorus of angels began to sing and my other novels were engulfed in holy flame. I guess that's a little ambiguous, though.

Ryan (disqualified)

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From the monkeys who typed Shakespeare comes the stunning sequel!

Okgenuine (disqualified)

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"Ask yourself, what would Jesus buy?"

simon (disqualified)

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"All the brilliance and wit of a blog, but in book form for old people like you!"

David (disqualified)

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Imagine if your mom was on fire. That's what this book is like.

JVC Headphones (disqualified)

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Hey, other reviewers! If you like this book so much, why don't you marry it?

ErinP (disqualified)

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I've imagined a book like this for years! To avoid disappointment I won't be reading it, but you definitely should! I hear it's GREAT!

$8 (disqualified)

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Before I found this, I was a pathetic, depressed, underappreciated, overworked, sexually impotent, joyless shell of a man. Now, I'm all those things with a funny book.

Kevin (disqualified)

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I haven't felt this moist in years!

Chosti (disqualified)

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This book is so good, I'm buying two so that each eye can have its own copy.

Eric (disqualified)

Comments

[weepeRepamarm]

If you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
http://kelvinmckeeei.easyjournal.com

[estetik]

Very useful page for me.

[prefabrik evler]

I run a little book shop in Notting Hill, since we started stocking this book female Hollywood A-listers have found me irresistible. Though I can't say the book has been all good, I think it is responsible for all the wankers moving into the area and tourists taking photos of my front door.
http://www.aryol.com.tr/ofisler.html

[C5]

I like #2, 3 and 4. :)

If it was a global competition and the contest still running, I could have entered:

"Neighbors came by, curious what has become of us since nonstop laugher is all they hear."

[McBeth]

"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend on reading it."

-- Groucho Marx

[McBeth]

"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."

-- Groucho Marx

[Alex-G]

You should definitely consider publishing a whole book of comments you received for the contest.Cracked a few ribs reading the top 25...
http://www.max-pay-day.com/

[Alex-G]

You should definitely consider publishing a whole book of comments you received for the contest.Cracked a few ribs reading the top 25...
http://www.max-pay-day.com/

[mirc, mirc indir, mirc yükle, mirc ara, chat, sohbet, muhabbet]

I run a little book shop in Notting Hill, since we started stocking this book female Hollywood A-listers have found me irresistible. Though I can't say the book has been all good, I think it is responsible for all the wankers moving into the area and tourists taking photos of my front door.

[mirc, mirc indir, mirc yükle, mirc ara, chat, sohbet, muhabbet]

I run a little book shop in Notting Hill, since we started stocking this book female Hollywood A-listers have found me irresistible. Though I can't say the book has been all good, I think it is responsible for all the wankers moving into the area and tourists taking photos of my front door.

[mirc, mirc indir, mirc yükle, mirc ara, chat, sohbet, muhabbet]

Runner Up number 2 sure places another interesting spin on the UK's favourite conspiracy theory...

[Diana W]

For all those who questioned my existence - yes, Diana Wales is my real name. I also had an uncle Charles. Scott knows I've been a Dilbert fan for a long, long time. I'm even mentioned in a couple very early DNRC newsletters, including one looking for a date. Now let's see if anyone is bored enough to read the back issues.

[Peter Teleborian]

The disquallified ones were actually the funniest ones, weren't they?

[levent]

"@"All the brilliance and wit of a blog, but in book form for old people like you!"

David (disqualified)"

david said very nice thing, im agree with him

[Bill Tkach]

I think your first runner up deserves the trophy, not the butter bubbles guy. I'm assuming your editors nixed it as unusable due to the word 'turd' again.
But nothing else works but turd, due to the connection to your previous blogs regarding turds.

And turd turd turd! turd turd? turd turd turd turd.

turd?!?

[Dave]

I liked the winner's entry. Seems like a Scott Adams sort of thought / joke. I could definitely see Dogbert discussing it, for some reason. I just can't quite picture the context though. Or maybe Ratbert would actually be the one in the milk bath?

[Spannerotoole]

This is what your wonderful evolution has brought you.

hmm the theory is disproven with the winning entry :)

http://spannerotoole.googlepages.com

[Spannerotoole]

This is what your wonderful evolution has brought you.

hmm the theory is disproven with the winning entry :)

http://spannerotoole.googlepages.com

[nodnerB]

If similar criteria was used to select book content, thanks for saving me time and money.

[Joe Pictures]

For more zingers, check out http://pulp-pictures.blogspot.com

[Kent]

Nicolas Feia's blurb is DUMB.

[Christine]

My favorite: I haven't felt this moist in years!

Thank you Chosti! This will get me through the day.

[adora]

I miss the contest, mine would have been:
"I bought this book as the holy book of my choice to swear the Oath of Citizenship."

[Neil Sampson]

I think that most of these are superb and made me laugh out loud, but

"From the monkeys who typed Shakespeare comes the stunning sequel!

Okgenuine (disqualified)"

is just inspired.

[Kevin Kunreuther]

You certainly pissed off enough blog commenters with your Grand Prize selection. I'll say Mr. Feia must have really, really, really wanted to win since he entered countless times and with so many crappy entries, but if you throw enough crap on the walls, something's bound to stick.

[Kevin Kunreuther]

Say Scott, can I read the blurbs on my Kindle, yet?

[Charley]

__________________________________

Nicolas Feia entered " ... and topped me with meringue."

Beaten egg-whites & sugar, or was she was dancing on your head?

[Arun]

Hilarious......the disqualified entries were a riot. Good selection,Scott

[Joe]

Great, except the winner isn't funny. And it doesn't make sense. I like abstract humour and it still sucks. Oh well, must've made you laugh. It is kind of clever in a lateral thinking sort of way I guess. Sigh.

Back to playing "civilisations" on the puter. I got bored recently so I bombed the crap out of a small country which reinvigorated my will to play and now my population is gainfully employed building a new stock of bombs.

[Jeff Keys]

The "cookies" one is my favorite by far.

[Rickie]

There's some real gems there. It's a shame you chose something that wasn't.

[kman]

What a relief that visiting your blog doesn't cost anything because to actually pay legal tender to read your book with the winner's pathetic comments would surely give me gastritis!

[Matt Nelson]

…but seriously…this contest was a lot of fun.

And to me, it was very interesting to see the different opinions of what is (and isn’t) funny.

I’m surprised that some of today’s posters seemed genuinely offended at some of Scott’s choices.

I’d like to read a few of Scott’s original “professional” blurbs and see how they stack up against all of the “amateurs” that entered the contest.

[Craig]

Dang! I didn't win anything. Oh, wait. My entry was posted too early... And I knew it at the time. Oh, well.

[Tim]

I can't believe you disqualified people because they don't live in the US... Even the US post office knows about other countries and can probably find them (eventually). Don't be so Americentric; think globally.

[Okgenuine]

I got honorable mention from a very rich guy! (does a little dance)

[Matt Nelson]

Woo hoo, I won second place!

Now I know how great Al Gore must have felt in 2000!!!

Oh, sweet victory.

Truly, second place is first place loser.

;)

[Tapan Karecha]

While reading your blog entry, I was also reading a technical article which led me to the homepage of the author and I cant resist putting it here. This dude is a PHD and works at Google *and* looks strikingly similar to Dilbert!

http://www.gafter.com/~neal/

Holly molly!

[le Big MaC]

Cue all the whiners and complainers who failed to win. A bit of comfort-I'm a non-working writer due to the strike, and sucking. Failing to win is 90% of the job.
Oh yes, congratulations to our winner.
Looking forward to the thread.

Support your local writer

[Bri]

Oh boy. Do I feel foolish. Given the winning entries, I must have hallunicated that under your contest rules the entries had to be actually funny in order to win.

[belt]

Dianna Wales.

For real?

[Pender]

#14 is SOOOOO wrong. But so funny :)

Damn baby.

[Bruce Harrison]

Mine were funnier.

[brian]

I have to say to the person who came up with (Okgenuine)
'From the monkeys who typed Shakespeare comes the stunning sequel!'

Funniest thing I have read in ages!!

[Jeremy Cook]

"#2 Diana Wales? Really? Google it."

The name DOES exist...who knows

http://www.walespc.com/

[Mike B.]

#5, #12, and #25 are all the same guy. What level of Hell have I fallen into???

[Jeff Daugherty]

Thank you for posting the winners (and others). Very funny stuff.
Jeff

[pa]

"The book that got me through my brain transplantation surgery and starting to use pencils again."

[RodOgrO]

Rita Mae, I guess I speak for a lot of people when I say we missed a winning submission from you.

The sex and the viagra jokes are old, though. Wouldn't have picked those.

[Nimrod]

I laughed as much at this post as I have at any of your other blog entries. Lots of good ones in there!

I saw your book at a bookstore this weekend, and flipped through it. The essays are still great. Somehow, they appear more authoritative in book form. But, I was a little disappointed that existence of your blog was glossed over. All I found was a short blurb in small print in the liner notes: "Disclaimer: Most this stuff came from Scott's blog." Other than that, the book is really presented as just a general "Scott speaks out on a bunch of stuff" book.

Part of me was hoping the book would really be more like the blog, in book form. For example, the forward of the book would explain how your blog works, and each essay would include selected readers' comments. ie. A handful of the funniest/insightful responses to that entry. It would've been a much more unique book.

[BrYaN]

I admit, most of these are funnier than the blurb I submitted, so this isn't a case of sour grapes about losing when I say:

Are you joking about your grand prize winner?

I'm seriously asking you this. You cannot be serious about considering that one the funniest.

First off, that's not a book blurb. That's an anecdote.

Second, it's poorly written.

Third, it's too long.

Fourth, it's not funny.

Fifth, it's not even naughty or subversive in any way, shape or form.

[Wii]

http://blog.livedoor.jp/cinnamoroll/

[Kevin Allen]

Lucky number 13 for me.

I personally think the first place winner won because they were able to combine the different aspects of comedy to make a quote (in this case, naughty with outragous).

[dsg]

Is it worse to be disqualified or not listed at all? We'll leave that question to the philosophers.

Congratulations to the winners, you are better than something like 1800 or so other entrants (including me). The top two are very funny. I'll bet SJC would have been top 5 if not for the disqualification. Although I'm not sure it would be printed on the jacket. The winners seem to be PG, maybe PG-13. Was that your target?

[Michael C.]

Congratulations to the winners.

After reading the winning entries and those that were disqualified but deemed worthy, I definitely have to say my sense of humor is very far askew from the selection committee's. It's kind of weird when you learn something like that. I mean, what's wrong with me? Obviously many people thought those blurbs were funny, maybe even hilarious, but only one made me even slightly smile (not rubbing the turd hard enough)whereas I recall reading numerous entries on the original post that made me laugh out loud.

[HALiverpool]

Apparently I was disqualified by the fact that my entry was never posted - crap!

By the way - the grand prize winner makes no sense at all and isn't funny either.

-HAL

[A moist robot]

With apologies to BobNL, the defective moist robot I referred to is in fact latsot. Typepad's stupid layout of placing the poster's name under the post prompted my internal moist programming to misidentify the name.

[A moist robot]

A moist robot by the name of BobNL was prompted by its internal moist programming to proclaim the following: "So mentioning one or more of Christianity's insanities results in disqualification? You can't sell a book if it jokes about religion?"

To which I respond this:

BobNL, you are defective, please turn yourself in for warranty replacement. Nowhere did Scott Adams say that entries were disqualified because of content. They were disqualified because of a missing name, a missing email address, or because the submitter isn't a resident of the USA. Just because an entry by a "Michael Collett" was disqualified doesn't mean it was disqualified due to content. It could have been disqualified due to a missing email address or because this person doesn't live in the USA.

[rita mae]

Great picks. Couldn't have done better myself. Congrats to all.

Penis - by popular demand.

Rita Mae

[Ray]

#2 - "Diana Wales"? Who are we kidding?

[indo]

me is curi yus - wat's with the disqualified entries?

[mason]

Funny stuff, but several of my absolute favs didn't make it. My wife and I both liked the one about the guy living naked in a lean-to behind the Hollywood sign best.

Guess this proves Scott and I have a very different sense of humor.

[David]

Okay, the Ann Rynd meets Hemingway suggestion just about made me pee from laughter. It is also a good example of my life, always disqualifyed...

[Miguel]

The grand prize winner isn't even that funny. There was much funnier stuff among the others (including the disqualified).

[Bill Taylor]

My post was probably number 26. Sigh.

so close

[The Meromorph]

For the terminally ignorant -
Wales is [i]not[/i] the family name of the Prince of Wales (It's Windsor, by the way).
The Prince of Wales might be semi-formally addressed "Wales". His name might be expressed as Charles, Prince of Wales, but the name Charles Wales does not, and could not, refer to him.
Similarly Diana Wales, does not, and could not, ever refer to Diana, Proncess of Wales. SAlso, she, unlike the Prince of Wales, would never be addressed as "Wales".

[Joshua]

Alright! Alright! Alright! Alright! Scott, I'll buy the God Damn book if you'll stop boosting it so much.

On a side note over the weekend, something you have to think, if people misinterpret you so often (hallucinate), perhaps the problem is in the broadcast, not the reception.

[ErinP]

Hooray! Scott thinks I'm funny! Of course, despite what my resume says, my "Attention To Detail" seems to be lacking. Damn you disqualification!

[The Chief]

ah, yes.

25 comments that, although lacking in penis references, are funnier than most of what we've read here lately.

You would do well to learn, young jedi...

[simon]

just told my mum that Scott Adams thinks I'm funny.

Simon "ask yourself, what would Jesus buy"

[BobNL]

Man, those blurbs are good...

They're so good I almost bought the book. I did. I really had an urge.

Mmmh, maybe later.

[latsot]

So mentioning one or more of Christianity's insanities results in disqualification? You can't sell a book if it jokes about religion?

*SIGH AMERICA* FOR SHAME.

Secular nation my arse.

[Nick]

'3.)How do pronounce,"Feia"?'

It's pronounced Polishly, which is to say it's pronounced like the Spanish word for ugly (fea). That's not a joke or a slander; it's a sad fact.

[Maura]

SJC, I wish you weren't disqualified. That was the only quote to literally make me LOL. I'll be happy all day picturing the slap fight. BRILLIANCE.

[Tom]

#6 and #19 are hilarious. I don't know about some of the others though, some of them kind of sucked. One poster mentioned random selection, I have to agree with him.

[Raphael]

#1 and #2 in my opinion:

19. Scott Adams does it again. He does it hard, fast, and for money, just the way we like it. Life may go on if you don’t buy this book, but you’ll always wonder “What if?”

Erik Guttormsen

23. Finally, the answer to the question “What would Jesus read?”

Jim White

===========================================================

Really fricking funny!

[Sapna]

You should definitely consider publishing a whole book of comments you received for the contest.Cracked a few ribs reading the top 25...

[jerry w.]

Ironic, most of the disqualified ones were better than the winners.

More Ironic (or shorter, moronic), I didn't make either of the groups.

http://boskolives.wordpress.com/

[Ran]

So don't sell this book at outside us

[twounicycles]

I sat so long reading this book my backside fell asleep. It's true! My wife said she could hear it snoring.

Am I too late?

[Alfred Thompson]

So let me see if I understand this. You draw a comic and newspapers pay to publish it. And the origional drawing retains so much value that you can give it away as a Grard Prize. Right? Man that is like being able to draw money and cash it at the store. It doesn't get much cooler than than. I sure wish I could draw. And write funny things. Where can I get a sense of humor cheap?

[Dan W]

#2 Diana Wales? Really? Google it.

[mjohnson]

I run a little book shop in Notting Hill, since we started stocking this book female Hollywood A-listers have found me irresistible. Though I can't say the book has been all good, I think it is responsible for all the wankers moving into the area and tourists taking photos of my front door.

............

Through this book Scott Adam's sent me a message "sacrifice your only son to me and your descendants will become a great nation". I'm gay, what's that all about Scott?

.............

When I first read this book I could only read Urdu, I learnt very little as when I read it again I understood very few of the words. By the time I had learned enough English to read the book had become rather tiresome to me and the jokes rather worn, however Scott Adam's offered to buy me a new stove and forty goats and when I revisited it I found it so hard to stifle my guffaws I gave away my position to coalition forces and suffered an air strike to my village.

mjohnson (disqualified)

[Mark Ryder]

"Scrotum-Clenchingly hilarious!"

-Mark Ryder

[Joshua Jacobsen]

Some of those are great. Some of them are awful. Was this an exercise in random selection, or did you have a dead walrus pick a few of those for you?

[Real Live Girl]

Thanks for sharing those. And remember runner ups, it was an honor just to be nominated...

Very funny stuff. I imagine it must have been hard choosing from all the great entries.

[Drew Weaver]

Yeah, those are way funnier than the crap I posted. Now I feel like an idiot.

[Andrew]

Congrats to the winners.

[obiDonWan]

You, Scott Adams, are shameless, and without redeeming characteristics, and the people who contribute to your book are facilitators.

[Kevin Kunreuther]

1.)Congratulations everybody.
2.)I though mine was funny and scanned well.
3.)How do pronounce,"Feia"?
4.)Recently read Legion by Willam Peter Blatty. Did Kinderman's dialogue in the Epilogue inspire your thought experiment about God in your book "God's Debris"?

[Disqualified]

Hi Scott

When this blog first started email addresses were posted. Then you made an improvement that shielded them for privacy.

Perhaps in the future, should you have another contest, you will permit names to be shielded as well? Not everyone is comfortable posting identifying information on a public blog. At least without knowing for sure if you’ve won… ;)

[Rick]

I'm sorry but runner-up number 2 "Diana Wales"????

Surely not her real name? (Unless she's living with "Dodi Harrods"?)

[Davesnothere]

Good choices, Scott.
Perhaps you should consider keeping them on retainer as "ghost writers"

Dave

[Mark Harrison]

Runner Up number 2 sure places another interesting spin on the UK's favourite conspiracy theory...