The Ultimate Response

It will come as no surprise to my regular readers that I sometimes exhibit inappropriate responses in social situations. For example, when I hear about a tragedy, and there is something remotely funny about the event, that’s the part that gets my attention. If a guy dressed in a bunny outfit kills a forest ranger, I can’t focus on the tragedy part. In that sort of situation, I would probably let out an involuntary snort before noticing no one else is laughing. I’d try to play it off as a cough, but no one would buy it.

My biggest social problem, by far, is a habit of revealing my opinion with my first reaction, before I realize I should be keeping that opinion to myself. Some husbands, when asked a question by their wives, use the time-honored “What do YOU think, dear?” But wives don’t like that approach. It seems condescending. Worse yet, it does not leave you vulnerable to having the wrong opinion, so it has a killjoy element.

Last night, by accident, I discovered The Ultimate Response to topics in which you don’t yet know the right response. It happened when I was simultaneously brushing my teeth, and yawning, and responding to my wife. It came out something like this: “Ooo-aah-mumble-agh.”

My wife stopped, and looked at me, and said, “What does that reaction mean?”

Bingo. I had accidentally discovered a response that has neither a positive nor a negative connotation. For the rest of the evening, I used it for all of my responses, to great effect.

Shelly: “Do you want to watch 30 Rock?”

Me: “Ooo-aah-mumble-agh.”

Shelly: “I’d like to watch it.”

Me: “Hey, me too!”

Feel free to try my new noise at home, or in the office. You might have to practice until it has no trace of negative or positive vibe. Be careful not to go up in pitch toward the end, because that can be construed as optimism.

You’re welcome.

Comments

[Austin]

If I've done something, that somebody else wouldn't be proud of, and they ask "What did you do!?" I normally respond with:
"I did af.hs..ad.a. okay?"
It sometimes receives a "What?"
But then I just walk away.
It rarely works, but it IS fun.

[Daniel]

The first time I heard about what was happening at Abu Ghraib, it was in a class on International Humanitarian Law on the morning that it was published in the press that the prisoners were being forced to pose naked in human pyramid form for a photo by one of the guards.

Clearly it is horrible that it actually happened.

But I couldn't get the image out of my head that it seemed like a "Big Brother" challenge gone wrong.

I got a LOT of dirty looks at my unsuppressable snort.

[Derek]

My ultimate response for everything is: "The last time I checked, this was America!"

It's perfect not only for all those nagging wife questions, but for her little chore commands, or even political questions from strangers.

The next time someone says something to you that you don't really care for, just say "The last time I checked, this was America!" and casually walk away.

[John]

Wife: My grandfather died.
...I didn't know how else to react, it just came out...
Me: Ooo-aah-mumble-agh.

I am sleeping on the floor now... (My wife says I'm not aloud to sleep on the couch)

http://awritersblock.com

[rd]

abc was me, rd
a crappy conspirator i am

[abc]

Thank you Rita Mae, you are a great Grandma
and you like me!
that forum seems ok, interesting conversations, just my limited english does not allow me to participate fully yet
comments get posted instantly and people talk to each other in real-time so it's kinda addict(ive?)ing
i'll survive :)

[Lulu]

Sounds like you have Asperger's Syndrome.

[EdOF]

Wives send husbands back to dress with the usual comment "Are you going to wear THAT?!" Usually takes a time or two for the husband to put on the right outfit.

So now the husband has demonstrated a complete lack of taste (in his wife's view at least) in clothing.

So now what does the wife ask the idiot husband?
"How do I look?"

Pretty much drives me crazy.

[Duncan]

There is a book "Fuzzify" that says a well articulated mumble can save you every time.

[SJA]

Better to Flog a Dead Horse
Than a live Lion

your sound doesn't work when the first thing I hear is "are you listening to me?"... but I may try it instead of "What?" or "yes!, What?"....

[rita mae]

RD writes: [.......so i was trying to socialize on other internet forums and those people are cruel
they called me inane, inarticulate, annoying, trying to be enigmatically cute, not adding value, silly teenager
and i thought you are so patient and kind to bear my inane comments for so long
thank you, you are a great Sensei
and i'll try to not silly irritate you without need :) ]

Hey, RD. It's me, Rita Mae. The person that a couple people said they hated. I still can't figure out why, but Scott lets me post here anyway. I agree. Scott is a great Sensei. Keep the faith. When others said they hated me, there were posters who told me to not pay attention. So I tell you the same thing. The only difference being --- I think you should blow off those other blogs and just post here. We like you, and who needs negative vibes from another post?

RD -- if you ARE a teenager, welcome to the world of nasty adult criticism. Get used to it, sweetie, cause it don't get any better. BWAHAHAHAHA

Rita Mae (She Who Loves Everyone -- Some A Little More Than Others)

[Mark]

[After fifteen years of marriage I have resorted to flatly refusing to answer.

Wife: "How do I look?"

Me: "I'm not telling you. Go look in a mirror."

The only safe answer is no answer at all.

Posted by: Marty]

How about:

Wife: "How do I look?"
Me: "Like I want to rip your clothes off"

Which works even if you don't like the outfit.

[Patricia M]

It's been some time since I post a comment. I used to when I had really liked that day's post or felt had something to contribute.

This is the first time I write to complain.

I just really don't like this new system where you don't blog everyday, Scott. I understand the reasons, but really dislike it.

:(

Am I the only one?

[PMB]

supercalafragalisticexpialladocious

[AJ]

i have found an even better way to get out of a conversation you dont want to be in because you dont care you just say you arent bothered to this issue but you follow it up with a constant stream of anything how your day was something that you heard anything so that she doesn't really get a chance to talk eventually you wind down and i guaranty after 10 mins of it she will nod politely and go off to do whatever she was going to anyway

caution this doesn't work if shes mad and having a go at you because she wont listen to a word you say and just wait for breath and stat screaming again getting more wound up thats she has had to wait this long to punish you

[Sascha]

Nice posting, but the idea is not really original.

I remember a Simpsons episode. I believe it went like this (someone correct me if I am wrong):

Homer looses the love of his daughter, Lisa. To regain it, he decides to buy her a pony.

In bed, Marge, Homer's wife - upset - asks him if he's really foolish enough to buy a pony.

The answer is pretty much like "Ooo-aah-mumble-agh", at least along these lines.

So the honor of inventing the ultimate, universal noncommital response goes to Homer Simpson.

[anon coward]

whats wrong with today's comic ? geez
(dec 17 2007)

[Workerant2]

You are being asked for your opinion purely so she can disagree with you whatever side you pick. ALL women do this ALL the time.

[Martin]

You all know the situation: You come home, are greeted by your wife with the words: "Do you notice anything, honey?" Frantically, we start to think. New shoes, new dress, new haircut, redecorated room? Whatever you answer carries the major risk of being wrong. So, the only answer which is always appreciated is "Did you loose weight, honey?" Try it, it works wonders (unless used too often)

[twounicycles]

My wife always asks my opinion on what she is wearing, then wears something different to what I say. I asked why she asks me my opinion on fashion issues when she usually tells me to change my (carefully chosen) shirt whenever we are going out and she said it's because she wants to dress in a way that pleases me. I said she was a liar because she never *does* wear black stockings, fm shoes and mini-skirts. This does not make me a bad person. Anyway no-one will read this because it's on yesterdays blog.

[neopolitan]

I would have thought the most correct response to any question from a female lifepartner would be that which is blatantly wrong. This saves said female lifepartner from undue effort when finding fault with the response and constructing an argument which clearly proves that the male lifepartner is a hopeless waste of space. An example:

Her: Which dress should I wear tonight?

Him: Potato sack.

Her: You don't mean that eco-friendly dress made enitrely from recycled potato sacks? You utter moron, that dress is disgusting! It scratches, and it seems deliberately designed to make me look fat. I will never understand why you bought it for me, the one time you ever bought me a dress, the one time you think about the environment. A total waste of five dollars. Hmmm. I am going to wear the black Armani. What shoes do you think?

Him: Orange.

Her: The orange shoes with green pink dots? Another hopeless purchase. How did you ever get it into you head to buy me clogs! Sheesh, men are hopeless. I think I will wear, ah, I think the Prada - the black ones - they work with anything. Hm, look at that, I've only got my suspenders and these high heels on ... let's make wild passionate love, you sexy beast.

Compare this with:

Her: Which dress should I wear tonight?

Him: I think the Armani black dress cut slightly above the knee with the shoulder straps and a low cut back that you bought about six weeks ago would most appropriate for the event tonight considering the weather, the seasons, the prevailing fashion trends, the formality of the event and the group of friends that we are going to meet.

Her: You can't be serious? You utter moron, that dress is totally inappropriate! Um, let me think for a second. Ah, the low cut back just won't work, because there might be wasps. I don't know why I ever bother asking you. Hmmm. I am going to wear the black dress that I bought four weeks ago. What shoes do you think?

Him: Well, you know, I think with that black dress, you probably should go with black shoes, and given the dress you've selected, I would have to say the Pradas would certainly work.

Her: The Pradas? are you out of your little mind?! The Pradas with this dress? Are you saying I'm fat? Is that what you mean? Huh? Are you accusing me of being fat? How is that fair? Do I talk about your receding hairline all the time, or your belly, or the hair growing out of your ears? Why do you have to be so mean to me? You don't care about me, you obviously don't love me anymore. This really is the last straw. I am leaving you. I'm going to my my mother's while you pack your things and find some dumpster to live in. But first ... I think I will wear, ah, these other black shoes.

cheers,

neopolitan

[ReadSteve]

I think that, to have the technique work for more than a few days, you'd have to vary the utterances, so that you continued to sound like you were actually trying to say something. You've apparently only been using it for a few days. Let's see how long it lasts.

On a totally different note, I loved Friday's cartoon about Wally's Möbius strip and of task dependency. So, the strip's been modified into a crude structure: http://readsteve.com/WordPress/2007/12/16/wallius-strip/

This may result in a cease-and-desist order from Scott or United Media, so look quickly if you choose to look.

[Thank you for not blogging]

Thank you for not blogging this weekend. Stay off the wagon .. or is it on the wagon?

[Stan]

Ahh, the tricks learned in the first few years of marriage. There is so much you still have to learn grasshopper. But it is fun as you learn those things that others of us found out in our first few years of marriage. Another option is to restate the question as if seeking clarification and you can use their response to determine an appropriate response. You sound like a good listener and it helps set up the response.

Watch out though if they figure it out as they may offer false clues. If the question though is 30 rock or 24, don't hesitate, unless it is season 4 of 24, the answer is 24.

[TallDave]

Dude, you are so whipped. This is just sad.

She should be worrying about what YOU think, not vice-versa.

[zaki]

Infidel! How dare you insult the holy trinity of oprah,mother therasa and Superman! I bet youre one of those fabled atheists ive been hearing about . I havent seen one of your ancient kind but if i do be forewarned for I WILL BRING ON THE DOOM!
yes , dear ill pick up the kids at lunch
SNAP!
YOU WILL PAY! YOU WILL PAY!

[Paul O]

Tried a neutral response once, years ago, with an absolutely wonderful girl I was seeing at the time.

Didn't work out well at all.

As I recall, she was asking me what vegetable I wanted with dinner, and I really couldn't care less. Made the mistake of saying that I didn't have an opinion - something along the lines of your response.

She expressed her displeasure at my being unable to express an opinion on anything. Which, whenever I relate the story to friends, amazes them because they know me as never shy to share my opinion. On just about anything. Just not something as meaningless as whether beans or peas are better with dinner on a Tuesday night.

Needless to say, she got rid of me out of her life shortly after.

[sunflower]

there is usually so much background noise in my house that all I have to do is pretend I didn't hear. Gives me a few seconds to come up with the right response. Oh, and as a female, I absolutely hate the nondescript mumble. No sound is more annoying. I never let my children get away with it. (is that why they say they didn't hear me?) Hmmm.

[Shailesh]

Nice observation

~ Shailesh
http://theignorant.blogspot.com

[A.R.Yngve]

I fear this trend has already spread into society.

"If you are elected President, when will you send our troops home from the war?"
"Ooo-aah-mumble-agh."

"When are you coming to fix the leaky pipe?"
"Ooo-aah-mumble-agh."

"When are you going to sit down and negotiate with the striking writers?"
"Ooo-aah-mumble-agh."

[jerry w.]

Hmmmmm....

Last reader post published was December 14, 2007 at 09:10 AM,

Now it's December 15, 2007 at 11:40 PM....

Time to step up the excitement, maybe I'll go watch some paint dry.

http://boskolives.wordpress.com/

[Macneil]

How about this. Act like you've been reminded about it: "Oh yeah, I was going to ask you about that."

Same thing.

[Madmarleyboro29]

The garbled response, puts you in more jeopardy.

Maybe I'm wrong....but I do know....people have said a lot of things, in the same room as I, that I never picked up upon at all.

I could play it off, as not heard, to begin with.

The garbled response, implies.....(well shoot yourself in the foot), you MAY have been paying attention.

They don't want an answer....not even the 'correct" response.......but attention, is foreplay to a Fiasco.

They want to know...you were listening.

Sound an un-intelligible response......(judges say)....fish is on the bait!

Easier to play old man, with them. pretend to be half-deaf (or more precisely...hearing only what you wish to hear). Keep walking, when questions fly about you. Smile & nod, only to what you deem worth answering. The rest......,:

"Sorry, what did you say?".

If it's something still...you'd rather avoid.....act distracted, like a cat in the windowsill..chattering incoherently, at birds sitting in the feeder just on the other side of the glass.

Like a "yeah, yeah, yeah, but I'm focused right now!". If you're intent enough, they'll find fascination at your intent, and forget about the million & one things, that perplexed them at that moment.

You have to be that beacon of Lighthouse Light. One thing...just one thing. Not a boat floundering in the water. That's them....let them be the Boat.

Just shine on something...not the boat. The Boat will get the clue (ah yes...that's the coastline....things not to get dinged on).

If none of that makes sense......eat that really crunchy cereal, like everyone else said.

[Shri]

Ooo-aah-mumble-agh - once!
Ooo-aah-mumble-agh - twice!!

[D. Mented]

By the way, Rita Mae,
I'm afraid you're a little off on the insurance thing - if it's anything like mine, it would cover ONE baggie, and you'd have to apply for and justify another one for next year (get started on your paperwork early)
(lucky for me I really don't like doctors, because I would feel sad not getting to see any if I did like them)
D. Mented

[Swami X]

When I (living in San Diego) find myself confronted by my wife, children or co-workers with uncomfortable questions or situations, I pause, just for a second, and then reply with a hearty "Hey, how about those Padres?" This phrase completely resets the Universe back to my default preferences of peace and harmony. And it works every damn time.

[Swami X]

When I (living in San Diego) find myself confronted by my wife, children or co-workers with uncomfortable questions or situations, I pause, just for a second, and then reply with a hearty "Hey, how about those Padres?" This phrase completely resets the Universe back to my default preferences of peace and harmony. And it works every damn time...

[Scott (Not Adams)]

Coward. Pick a side, even if you don't really care, and defend it (don't pick a fight, but maintain your position). If you win, your wife will appreciate the strong man she married. If you lose, your wife will appreciate that you can stand up straight and admit defeat without shame. Firmness in purpose suggests firmness somewhere lower.

[Steve]

Funnier than turd
I know my brain works a little slow, but I think I finally thought of something funnier than turd.

When life gives you roadkill, sometimes the best you can do is find a lot of ketchup.

[Dan]

I remember when I used to enjoy your blog because it was interesting.

[mijj]

"Is waterboarding torture?"

"Ooo-aah-mumble-agh"

[thesepretzels]

The only appropriate response to, "Would you like to watch "30 Rock" is "Yes, please!"

[Jim H.]

Hoo-boy, Scott! You better pray Shelly NEVER reads your blog. You will have given away your first semi-decent non-committal social response. She will read you like a "See Spot run" book.

[Nick]

There's a song from the 40s, of course I can't remember who sings it, but they say when you can't think of a response, just say, "ugh-a ugh-a boo, ugh-a boo boo ugh-a." Supposedly it solves all sorts of problems, from avoiding traffic tickets to jumping out airplanes without a parachute.

[Klaus Kaan]

The insight you have gained may appear true only because you haven't realised the real truth. Women tend to make up the rules on the fly and what you accomplished was that you changed your rules on the fly (by accident, but still) and she respects that.
Prediction: This neat little trick will only work untill she changes the rules again.

Your welcome.

[workerant]

Welcome to the world of marriage. You can be wrong in ways you never though possible.

[Elderwife]

My husband has made what we call "the noncommittal grunt-noise" for years. The way I get around it is by asking "either/or" questions, rather than "yes/no" questions. Unless, of course, I don't care what he thinks.

[Scott S]

or you could show some testicular fortitude and have your own oppinions about shows

[Syam]

Your site looks good and well. It is very useful to society. Daily i am visiting your site for your daily posts.

Hi

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Netpals:
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Penpals:
http://netkushi.com/penpals/browse.php

thanks

[kris]

hmmm...dilbert should try that one sometimes...it would be nice to see him with a functional relationship...some hope for us engineers, if nothing else :D

[Marty]

After fifteen years of marriage I have resorted to flatly refusing to answer.

Wife: "How do I look?"

Me: "I'm not telling you. Go look in a mirror."

The only safe answer is no answer at all.

[rd]

it hurts that your fictional characters address others YOU
just kidding
so i was trying to socialize on other internet forums and those people are cruel
they called me inane, inarticulate, annoying, trying to be enigmatically cute, not adding value, silly teenager
and i thought you are so patient and kind to bear my inane comments for so long
thank you, you are a great Sensei
and i'll try to not silly irritate you without need :)

[Doufu]

i've tried it at work. my colleagues have me a o.O look before they left me alone. hrm ... did i do it wrong somewhere?

[D. Mented]

A pet shop near where I used to live had a small green parrot that had developed the perfect mumble. It sounded vaguely like whatever you tried to get it to say.
I tried to get it to say "scratch my neck" because that was always what it wanted (it was moulting, which is apparently a very itchy process)it would come over and arch its neck by the bars when I said that, but- of course- would only say "mumble" itself.
If I hadn't had two aggressive hunting cats at home, I would have bought the bird and named it Senator Bedfellow.
D. Mented

[QwkDrw]

How do wives (women) maintain such control/power over husbands (men) ... actually, better not answer that
??
GIVE ME A MOMENT a lifestyle

[Quantum_Flux]

It doesn't work when I do it!

[Matt]

I've developed a similar system, but with a word that everyone can say:

"Quack"

It would be fair to say she finds it in equal measure annoying and endearing, but it's apparently hard to get cross with someone who quacks at you.

[Mark Thorson]

You didn't invent anything.
You re-remembered baby talk.
Now, you need to re-remember
the rest of the language, so
you can write your next book
in it. (Or so your wife can
have you declared mentally
incompetent and take away all
your money.)

[Bob Johnson]

Being of Scandanavian descent I should pass along our cultural equivalent method of expressing an opinion that is neither positive or negative. To be said with a Minnesota accent.

Umm.. that's kinda different.

[Nelson]

"Now your wife knows. Not good."

Do you think his wife reads his blog? He's safe, only his 13 readers know that now. ;-)

[chill]

Please a sound file, ogg i recommend.

[AdBert]

I was barbequing one evening when a police car zoomed up to the curb. I asked the cop that jumped out with gun drawn what was up. What was up was a guy on the next lawn sporting a bunny suit and brandishing a pellet gun (hadn't taken his meds). No one was killed so that was as funny as it got.

[Jacob Germain]

I just say something like: "can you repeat that?" while i think of an answer.

[someguy]

I have a similar word for when someone is excited about a stupid idea, and they expect you to be equally excited. If someone comes up and says an astrologer told them they're going to be rich in a few months, and they obviously believe it, I develop a look of wonderment and say "Amazing". Of course, they think I'm buying into it, whereas in my mind I'm thinking "It's amazing you think that's true and still have enough grey matter to breath!". My wife has decoded this little gem, so I have to be careful using it when she's around.

[David]

I just say "mu" an awful lot. Wiki it for yourself, in theory it is the perfect answer to almost anything.. Truth be told it doesn't really work that well in practice

[Vince]

Bit old, isnt it?
There was a candy ad (was it snickers)on TV some time back. The girl asks her guy if the dress she is trying out makes her butt look fat. He munches on the candy and mumbles something in response and she is satisfied with the answer.

[Rex Little]

Slightly off-topic, but I've got to relate my own most inappropriate response to a tragedy. First some background:

Dave Barry (the only writer funnier than Scott) wrote a novel called Big Trouble, which was made into a movie. The movie was originally scheduled for release on Sept. 21, 2001, and I was looking forward to it as if it was Christmas.

On the morning of Sept. 11, I turned the TV news on to live coverage of the World Trade Center collision. One tower had gone down, and the reporter was explaining how hijackers had taken over the plane and crashed it. Then another plane hit the second tower and I watched it crumble on live TV.

My very first thought at that moment was, "Oh sh*t, they're going to have to pull Big Trouble." A key plot element in the book and the movie was that a couple of small-time crooks get onto an airline flight carrying a gun and a suitcase nuke.

[Ryan]

Great, I've just been accused of being an "ambiguous asshole." Thanks a lot, Scott.

[Jurgen Schaub]

In one of Douglas Adams's "Dirk Gently" books, one of his characters used a response quite similar to yours. It was "Oh, ah". One can say it whenever, and it means nothing: no agreement, no disagreement, no positive or negative. The perfect response. Use it when crazy people talk to you on public transport (or, in Scott's case, at Dilbert events).

[Hut]

Anyone remember 'splunge' from Monty Python?

Larry Saltzberg: Did he say splunge?
First and Third Writers: Yes.
Larry: What does splunge mean?
Second Writer: It means...it's a great-idea-but-possibly-not-and-I'm-not-being-indecisive!

[Adrian Rodriguez]

I remember Homer saying something similar like: "washer-mem-gag" as a nonsense anwer to Marge, obviusly she got upset, Ay Caramba!

-Adryan

[Nate]

The response that has always worked for me combined verbal and non-verbal signals. It is done by humming a a short "mmm" while giving a slight nod and a small shrug of the shoulders. Make sure your nod breaks eye contact. It's like the mirror of responses and most people interpret it as agreement.

Loosely translated it means "I hadn't even thought about it, But I'm sure that you are probably right in whatever assumptions you have made"

[Andrew]

Another good response to dangerous questions:
"Why do you ask?"

It's a mix of curiosity and suspicion, which are really the same thing.

Curiosity works because people like to feel understood.

Suspicion works because the other person will hasten to assure you of their good intentions.

Either way, you've now got an explanation.

[Oli]

Scott, how the hell have you avoided being awarded a Nobel Peace Prize for so long?

[jerry w.]

Hey, that sounds like a bastardization of a historical musical piece!

I think it's taken from part of a song that goes something like this:

Oooh eee oooh aaah aaah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.

I guess you had to be there.

The comparison could be clearer, but I can't carry a tune outside of iTunes.

I think it's supposed to calm down a witch doctor, but I hope you have insurance.

http://boskolives.wordpress.com/

[Liza Lynne]

Another good phrase is "Ain't that somethin'?" Works in almost any situation.

[just_human]

You should try "oh ah". Douglas Adams' Dirk Gently discovers that phrase in "The Long Dark Teatime of the Soul."

[Captn Rob]

I have a fear of new words. I don't mind using words only I understand the meaning of, then can laugh to myself while other people look confused.

That being said, when dealing with the wife, I don't like to go out onto a limb. It has taken me years of training, and I have finally convinced her that women are far far far the superior intellects of the two sexes. So by being just a dumb man, if I say anything that can be taken two ways, one positive and one negative.... I really meant to say the good one!

[Karl]

Happily, I've been married long enough (2 years) to have lost all credibility on any topic, at any time, ever (even on arguments on how it feels to pee standing up).

Having discussed with other husbands/long-term boyfriends, we have discovered a Law of Matrimony : after a while, your wife/girlfriend will not believe/trust you or care for your opinions - she will only ask you something when she wants to hear what she thinks with different wording.

However, (and that's the funny part) she will be yielding to ANY OTHER person's opinion, no matter the credibility of that person.
Even if that person is an infomercial actor, a drunk weatherman on his last day before retirement, or a bum yelling at a pigeon.

Maybe we were a frustrated lot when we came up with that principle, but I have yet to be proven wrong.

So ooo-ah-mumble-ahh is a better, faster way of saying 'yes dear' while preserving our dignity and manhood(and adding any amount of sarcasm without getting The Look).

Thank you.

[Mr. Wampus]

If my wife asks me a loaded question about something I'll respond in a way that could be taken however she wants to hear it. For example, if she comes home with a new hair style and asks, "Do you like my new haircut?" No matter how I feel about it I'll respond, "'Like' isn't the word for it!" to which she'll either reply, "I know, I hate it too." or "Yes, I think it makes me look younger." Either way, she gets what she wants, an "opinion" from me and validation of her own opinion.

[John Elliot]

I'm too lazy to look up what "30 Rock" is but I'm guessing the unintelligible noise that follows that question is the sound of you swallowing your own tongue. Silly man, she won't let you die. She'll never let you die.

[dsg]

I agree that some type of sound file would be helpful. I think the non-response reaction is too individual to come up with such a generic response. I accidentally discovered one that I use with my wife that would probably not work for most people. I one time used the phrase "we'll see" to give a non-response to a question I was trying to dodge. I figured there was no way that response would fly. Her response, "oh good, that sounds somewhat hopeful." Now, when I need it, I have a phrase that can ultimately become a yes or no, but makes her happy to hear. Give it a shot.

[DML]

This is much better than my strategy of falling on the ground and pretending to have a seizure. Thanks dude.

[Raghav Kapoor]

Now that's the kind of sound that can help me get out making a fool out of myself.Thanks Scott! Once again u have succeeded in making the lives of ur fans easier to live!!!I completely understand the comedy tragedy connection.as appreciation here's a few something i read about which will revolutionize sex for the 21st century
http://thedailycolumns.wordpress.com/2007/12/14/extreme-kamasutra

[Chris]

Splunge!

[RPK]

You discovered this while brushing your teeth, and used it for the rest of the night? Did you have a toothbrush in your mouth all night long? I think there would need to be a reason for someone who usually speaks clearly to suddenly start mumbling every time he doesn't want to answer a question. A toothbrush works, but only for a few minutes at a time. Food works too, but most of us need to have less food in our mouths, not more. You need to come up with something non-edible that can cause the unintellible sounds that we can have at the ready any time we need it.

Get back to us on that, ok?

[niCk(MemBeth)]

I've been doing that for years already. It takes a while for you to figure things out, huh?

When dealing with women, just act clueless, and they will eventual let you know the answer they want from you, then go with it. Never be confrontational! (if you do, always wear a helmet).

"Women don't want your opinion, they just want their opinion in a deeper voice." - Jeff Foxworthy

[friskybeaver]

I prefer "I dont know if it really goes with your eyes."

[Don]

got smack on my head with toothbrush by my wife... but she laugh...

my first comment ever after enjoy reading your blog for months. Good job Scott.

regards,
Don http://northernloves.blogspot.com/

[lorenzo]

in related news, one of my favourite lines when someone doesn't get a negative answer, is something like

"which part of 'no f*ing way' wasn't clear to you?"

can be funny, or insulting. depends how much fun you'd want to have.

[HALiverpool]

Everything I say is construed as negative, that's why I don't talk much... and I mean that in a good way.

-HAL

[Sondra]

not allowed to have your own opinion in your own home?

conversation, compromise, respect

[Kaiser]

It is things like this that make me realize we need a "Everything I learned about life, I learned from Scott or Dilbert" Poster.

;)

[William Smith]

Scott,
Only one problem with your approach: You advertised it on an open forum where women can and do read your posts, or so I'm told.
You needed to place it somewhere that only men would read it...

[admiral crunch]

on the first paragraph.... do you have or think you might have asperger's syndrome?

[Nimrod]

Hi-larious.

[Keith]

Newlywed. I cringed at the thought of your sudden "insight".

You haven't learned yet that "What does that reaction mean?” is a negative response. For the rest of the evening your wife was playing you like a fish on a dry fly.

I've been married for over 33 years, you're screwed.

[Renato]

"Ooo-aah-mumble-agh"

[Photar]

Can you post an mp3 or something of this sound so we can practice?

[peter huesken]

A response that has neither a positive nor a negative connotation will, when used in a situation where a response with positive connotation is required, still have a negative connotation.

I guess what you´re after is a response that has *both* a positive nor a negative connotation.
There´s already a word for such a response: "yope"

Do like this word ? Yope !

[Thuktun]

Sounds remarkably like the commercial where the protagonist stuffs a candy bar into his mouth and mumbles around it to avoid answering a question. Presumably the candy bar gives you an excuse to mumble, but that's clearly not essential to the technique.

[Sean]

Hey, could you provide a wav file? I'd like to practice.

[Davesnothere]

My first response is an unintelligible mumble; which I then follow up with an inappropriate response.

Dave

[jC from Tn]

Now your wife knows.

Not good.

[IEEE]

A popular comparison in our house this time of year is Lucy in the Charlie Brown Christmas:

"You do think I'm beautiful, don't you Charlie Brown?"

"You didn't answer me right away! If you thought I was beautiful you would have spoken right up! I know when I’ve been insulted!"

[Scott Weston]

Sounds like that Twix commercial....Need a moment? But without the unhealthy side effects of stuffing your mouth with chocolate. I'll let you know how it turns out!

[Eggbert]

Yay! 3rd Comment!

[Real Live Girl]

Wow, that was almost Zen. A no-answer answer. What's it like to wake up each morning and crap wisdom? We want to learn more master! :)

[disembodied consciousness]

My problem is different. My wife asks me for an opinion. If she doesn't like the opinion I gave, she asks for my opinion again.

I've gotten so used to this that now I say, "I've said 'no' three times. I'll answer 'yes' this time, but I still mean 'no'."

Strangely enough, she gets this, and it helps.

[jdw242b]

"I told you once" normally works for me...

It sends the antagonists away wondering what they missed.

[deeplyflawedmuslim]

A favourite get-out-of-trouble response of mine is "I thought it would be rude not to".

Nothing works better when busted staring at cleavage when you shouldn't.

[Bill Spencer]

A sound file? Pleeeeeze?

[rita mae]

Marriage. Ain't it grand? Now I know why my Mom cried when I got married. She knew what was in store. Men! Haaaaaaaa

I trained the ex-Marine early on. He might wear the pants in the family, but if I ain't happy, he ain't gettin' in mine.

I don't need your new noise, but thanks anyway. I just say, "You'll pay for that later, Big Guy" and everything works out fine for me. This only works at home, so in social situations, I use the phrase I have already told you about, I look at the person and say, "I can understand you saying that." Then I pause, and the other person thinks I'm brilliant.

Rita Mae

[Andy Watt]

You know, that explains almost every noise I've heard out of politicians in the UK in the last 20 years... random syllables of total crap carefully designed to ensure they don't express an opinion on any topic that could possibly land them in hot water.

[T.G.]

Hahaha, for sure I am going to try it, but ... I am not very confident it will really work out of the box with my wife ... I'll look for a practice subject before :).

[Steve]

I like 30 rock too.