There’s a Name for It

Last week, my in-laws were in town. While they were out visiting some other relatives, I took my turn watching their dog, Mollie. At this point, I should pause and mention that I haven’t had a dog since I was a kid. And in those days, in the country, when the dog felt nature’s call, we’d simply let the dog out, and it would use any part of our 2.5 acres as its toilet. Later, if you wanted to throw a ball around, you just kicked the (usually) frozen logettes to the side to clear a path. In those simple times, you weren’t playing a sport unless someone ended up covered in dog feces. It was just part of the game.

These days, things are quite different. Today, if you go to school covered in dog feces, there’s a stigma. And of course there’s the leash law. But nothing takes the joy out of a walk in the fresh air quite like being required to carry a plastic purse full of dog poop.

Back to my story, I took Mollie for a walk, thinking I understood how this process worked. The leash was no mystery. It had a cool spring action with a pistol grip. I liked that part. And I grabbed an official poop bag on the way out of the house. I was ready for anything.

Within a minute, Mollie laid down a steamer. I think she had been eating the cat food, because it wasn’t the firm little log I was expecting. But I soldiered on, turning the bag inside out like a glove, and grabbing the warm pile that melted in my hand. It wasn’t pleasant in the usual sense of the word, but I experienced some satisfaction in a job well done. I tied the bag into a tidy little package and intended to head home.

That’s when I noticed Mollie had just begun to poop. I don’t know if she was trying to spell “HELP” in case a rescue plane flew over, or what, but by now she was in full production. Step, squat, step, squat.
I looked at my tidy little bag, now sealed, and realized I was screwed. I knew the neighbors would be looking, or feared they might. I couldn’t leave this Katrina-sized disaster and get another bag lest someone think, incorrectly, that I had abandoned my doody. So I decided to see if I could untie the pooper bag and have another go at the new deposits. This plan did not work as smoothly as I had hoped.

Do you know what is NOT effective for picking up warm piles of poop? If you guessed “other warm piles of poop,” you might have been in this situation yourself. It was like trying to pick up mashed potatoes with a catcher’s mitt. And I was hurrying, so needless to say, back at the house I needed the Karen Silkwood treatment to feel clean again.

Later, when my in-laws returned, I told the story. Larry, a laid-back gentleman from Arkansas, turned to his wife Cheryl and drawled “Mollie double-bagged him.” Let me tell you, the only thing that could have made my experience worse was finding out my in-laws have a name for it.

Comments

[Fred F]

Just read this in Dilbert Newsletter 68. I came to the blog to find (and distribute) the original post, because it describes what I go through every day with TWO dogs. One is on a retractable leash, the other isn't. Very funny. BTW, I have gotten pretty good at collecting into a sandwich-sized zip-top bag. There are still many times I wished I had brought a bigger bag and a pair of rubber gloves. You get used to it.

Thanks for this and many other laughs!

[zume]

I'm an atheist and I beleive that liberal religious people make better leaders than atheists... There's more a of a tradition of striving for the greater good.

[Pookie]

Always carry more bags than you "think" the dog will use. I have two dogs. A two mile walk requires 5 bags. If you are using shopping bags,... VERY IMPORTANT... Check for bag integrity!(no holes)

God forbid the dog has eaten leftover Indian food and you need a 6th bag.... The fact you are carrying 5 full bags and you personally have an odor of dog feces, will keep neighbors from saying anything. They feel sorry for you and don't want to get close enough to say anything. If you feel the need to be embarrassed, comment to the dog.. Once home, feed the dog Pepto!

[doggiedad]

I have a system for handling just this problem. When I take the dog out, I remember the places he poops - then I pick them all up on the way back, in a single bag.

Great story!

[Johan Hjelm]

Hmmm, was this before or after the pill incident, or were you still cultivating an aura of infallability? In that case, I think you can draw your own conclusions, and the dogs.

//Johan

[Toby]

Lots of things make me laugh into myself, but this post almost left me in tears, brilliant story, brilliant phrase!

I now need to find a way of working it into normal conversation.

[Andy Watt]

Good job you haven't had a coleostomy. Yet.

Might happen if you laugh at this kind of stuff though, if only voluntarily!

Merry Xmas Geek-boy!

[Suvi]

"It wasn't the firm log I was expecting.."

Falls of chair laughing his head off!

[Anarchy In Your Head]

My entire family has that defective gene that causes us to laugh riotously at bathroom humor. It never gets old. I consider this a sort of evolutionary throwback because I don't have any clue why it should be so funny. It just is. This story had me laughing until it hurt.

[Cronan]

I'm surprised no-one here has yet mentioned triple-bagging? That's where you need one bag for your partner, one bag for you (in case their's falls off) and a third bag to be sick in.

[John]

I won't buy a dog until we have fully functional robot ones available

http://awritersblock.com

[Suzette]

Thanks for a great read. Best laugh I've had in a long time. Happy New Year!!

[FrankLamontagne]

Hilarious story, thanks! :)

[Mishlai]

Hilarious. I think anyone who's had the dog poop bag experience would relate to this.

[Lairbo]

As a veteran dog-walker in NYC, I learned early on that if I went out with only two baggies, the dog would poop three times, if I went out with one, he'd poop twice and if I didn't have any baggies at all, he'd poop on a cop's shoe.

[Auguste X]

This is shit. worse than dog poop. Worst blog u have ever written. Boy! u're really running out of quality stuff.

[Chad]

...that I had abandoned my doody.

Hah!

[Jay Bee]

Best laugh I've had all week!

[Nick]

I was actually having a discussion about this type of situation a while ago with a friend of mine. I think there should be a product that instantly freezes the poop (similar that wart freezing stuff). That would make cleanup much easier.

[Backpacking on Little Money]

Great post! Feature it in Stick to Drawing Comics Monkey Brain! Vol. 2

-J.

http://backpackingonlittlemoney.wordpress.com

[egg]

Karen Silkwood treatment! LOL! Perfect imagery for the ultimate clean.

[Mark's Regular Life]

That's some funny shit. Insert groan here. As one who relates the phrase "she's a double-bagger" to something totally different, I still managed to laugh at your post without thinking of that. You sucked me in.

And, contrary to Bruce Harrison's comment, I got the Silkwood reference, even though I'm from Arkansas.

[Not My Usual Alias]

I thought I read this story on the blog awhile ago:

A new hire was looking out the window and saw a man using his bare hand to pick up a large dog's excrement. Seeing the surprise, the HR person leading the new hire to his desk said, "Oh, that's Joe. He's blind. When he takes his dog outside, he can't tell if he has picked everything up, so he uses his bare hands. You get used to it."

Later in the day when the new hire was introduced to Joe, the new hire declined to shake his hand.

[Enough Wealth]

So it finally becomes clear why you want your blog readers to visit the site and generate ad income, rather than just read your feeds - you need the extra cash to hire a dog walker when your in-laws visit ;)

Regards
http://enoughwealth.com

[Evil Mike]

Ignorant schlubs.

Jesus was born in the spring time. The day you celebrate as "Christmas" is more closely related to red and white hallucinogenic mushrooms.