Uncool Labels

My brother argues that society should stop making bad behavior sound cool. Terrorists, gang-bangers, and serial killer are all evil, but on some level you have to admit those are cool labels.

If you want to inhibit a particular behavior, a good rule of thumb is this: Don’t give it a label that would work equally well as a band name.

For example, the media tried to change “suicide bomber” to “homicide bomber,” thinking that was more descriptive and less altruistic sounding. But you can easily imagine a punk rock band called the Homicide Bombers.

Granted, it’s difficult to come up with any name that wouldn’t work as a rock band, but I think you’d agree that a band called the Homicide Bombers would have an easier time getting a new drummer than a band called, for example, Tiffany’s Pimple.

So how can we relabel terrorists to make their activity less cool sounding? I realize that terrorists don’t call themselves terrorists. They think of themselves as martyrs or freedom fighters or whatnot. But you know they watch the media to see how their actions are being received. That’s the whole point.

My brother suggests calling terrorists “dingleberries,” as in “Troops wiped out a nest of dingleberries in a part of the world now commonly known as Earth’s Anus.”

Can you top that?

Comments

[natural colon cleanse]

What if you changed serial killers to death addict psychopath?

Haha great post.

Thanks,

George

[Jim Treacher]

"I believe it was Jim Treacher who came up with the label 'Exploding Dopes.'"

Splodeydopes! Thank you for remembering. Few do...

[John]

nusance bunnies

http://awritersblock.com

[steve]

As funny as it may be to call terrorists names, the best tactic still seems to be to ignore them. Don't make deals with terrorists, and don't give them free publicity either. The best form of contempt isn't to insult them, but to treat them as if they did not exist.

[lalaina]

I think you should resort to the ONLY expert in "what would be a good band name" (and therefore a really uncool one): DAVE BERRY !!!

[Wiseacres]

You call them "Homo-cidal" bombers. Maybe try a name that sounds normal in english but translates to something really rotten in other countries. Pres Bush sr used to pronouce Saddam wrong on purpose. The way he pronouced Saddam translated loosly into Shoe shine boy.

[Lawless]

You could call them:

Pussies
Hollywood (since they loathe it so)

oh shoot, those are names of bands..

[gr8hands]

Scott,

I'm reminded of walking down the street in Vegas seeing a telephone pole with various flyers stapled to it -- one stood out: advertising for a live performance by the band 'Shit Piss Fuck'

I could only laugh and guess that they'd never be able to get their music played on commercial radio, unless they changed their name (or went by their initials).

[PPL Killer]

I completely agree with the premise. One example of this that pissed me off is the "BTK Killer", that pudgy, pathetic loser who killed a bunch of women.

"BTK" stands for "Bind, Torture, Kill"... And why is he called that? Because he ASKED to be called that. He REQUESTED that name, and now from jail he gets to feel cool as he watches news reports about the BTK Killer.

Fuck that, fuck him, and fuck the media who went along with that fucking asswipe's request.

After he requested that name, he should have been called the PPL Killer - "Pudgy Pathetic Loser". I suspect he'd have hated that more than spending the rest of his life in jail. Why should this shitbag derive ANY pleasure for anything? He should be mocked mercilessly from every angle.

On a touchier note, I also think it's unfortunate that suicides are often treated as being slightly cool. It would be incredibly sad and upsetting if people who committed suicide were mocked in their death... But what if doing that reduced the suicide rate in teens? It's a touchy issue.

But the PPL Killer is NOT a touchy issue. Fuck him.

[AHA!]

asok dead? why not wally or some other dipshit?

[Ghoti]

Tiffany's Pimple sounds kind of sexy.

[Ace]

Do you really think Katie Couric could manage to utter the word "dingleberries" with the proper gravitas?

I bet Keith Olbermann could do it, though.

[Bill Tkach]

Your brother sounds like a nice (old?) gentleman. Did you both sip cherry and then read Family Circus together in the den (aka- "The War Room") after his white-trash comment?

Why not call them Ascension Rockets? Since they take you to the next level of existence. Or not.

"Another Ascension Rocket has struck in Kabul, and forty-seven people were able to transcend and find out whether it's really the end, or just another segment of a long and endless journey." - The Weekly Sun

[anon]

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/12/071204133730.htm

thought you might find this interesting....

[Geoffrey]

"a high powered miltary assault against the dingleberries" might not make the troops feel strong, but rather as if they were smacking naughty puppies.

[Jewass A]

americans, cowboys, yankies or what ever...
Couldn´t sound more uncool.

[car free since '93]

you could always call them twats!
CFS '93

[car free since '93]

YOu could always call them twats!
CFS '93

[Kevin Kunreuther]

1)Two real credible bands - Suicide, Suicidal Tendencies. Right now, in some garage or on a laptop, is the genesis for music from a band called Suicide Bomber, probably a rockabilly hip hop trance act - it's not all thrash metal shredder punk.
2)Instead of using the word "terrorist", a rather deflating euphemism would be bunny rabbits.
3)It never works, really, some young loser somewhere will always grab the most unlikely or socially repellent noun or verb, and turn it into a cool band name, comic book anti-hero, anonymous blogger. I blame it on the 50's jive hipsters, they invented open rebellion against the establishment and obnoxiousness and offensiveness as a marketing angle for "cool".
4)Ever hear of the Travelin' Dingleberries? Twee ironic folk music.

[Rob Adcox]

We could name them McWestheimingborgdonhamski. That's Brent's idea, and if he finds out I used it he's gonna yell at me and make me do extra chores at work. That's ok, though, because I have nicer hair.

[ajm]

Asok dead? Just remember that this is the PHB who is right slightly fewer times than the perverbial blind pig.

I actually see a Major Tom moment coming..... or perhaps a Dark Star moment.

Asok riding a piece of debris like a surf board... Ragin' Dude

[yeti]

How about "bitchtards"? Anybody here want to be called a "bitchtard"?

[Dillon-bert]

TRODS-BUMF. Theologically Retarded Organ Donor Short-Bus Ubangy Mother Fucker

[r_gosal]

You killed Asok, you bastard!!! I know I'm a day late and somebody else probably already said it but, meh.

As the longest running, least offensive and least stereotypical respresentation of an East Indian person in any western literary work across practically every known medium; he will be missed . . .

[Nick]

Well, if you want people to have humorous thoughts when watching the news, call terrorist Dilbert. Problem is that terrorist might like the association, not to mention potential copyright issues and giving the impression that terrorist are tech savvy. So to get around that we need to use a name that terrorist would really not like. Since Muslim terrorist are the flavor right now what about "Oinkbert". The pig association would really piss them off. I don’t think any non-Muslim terrorist would like it either.

[Metroplexual]

It was not the "media" that tried Homicide Bombers, it was Faux News that did.

[tyler]

Oh my god! You killed Asok!

You Bastard!

[jason]

ASOK! Thank god you can clone him... Can't you?

[Peter]

We could call them "small penises" (and never capitalize it). I'm sure we could do an acronym, like, T.U.R.D or I.D.I.O.T. I'll leave it to others to figure out what each letter stands for. Actually, the letters don't have to stand for anything, we'll just tell everyone it's classified.

Peter

[Bulbboy]

Nu-Nus,

Plobbles

or

Donny Tourette fans.

[Raskolnikov]

Say, why is it that a teacher can get death threats for naming a teddy bear "Mohammed", but the Car Talk guys say "Mohammed Hammada Hammada" every week and yet they still live?

[Enough Wealth]

Do not call them anything.

Ignore them.

Do not report on their activities.

Like school bullies, paying them attention only encourages them.

Regards
http://enoughwealth.com

[Jabba]

Sundried Turnips.

[Shalene Boring]

How about we name the 'cool labels' after something cute, fluffy, or otherwise harmless? It just doesn't have the same impact... "A bouquet of purple pansies struck an unsuspecting populace today..." See, no where near as cool sounding :-) This could really catch on! Just tell the Republicans that they are classified code words to confuse friend and foe alike. Don't tell the Democrats anything if you want it to get done. This way they can plead ignorance when the inevitable equal rights complaints come up. The pansies (aka Terrorists) have rights to not be mocked too! This way everyone is happy.

[anon]

I cannot believe you killed of Asok!! Please please tell me he will be coming back :(

[mikey]

How about something simple and to the point like "dumbass". That's what always pops into my mind. And it's hard for me to believe that the word dumbass could ever be cool. For those that believe Islam has been twisted or misinterpreted, we might use "deluded muslim". And for the suicide bombers I like "psychotic virgin". It's insulting and a bit humurous, although I like it for a band name.

[anon]

You killed Asok?? YOU BASTARD!!!!!!

[Juan Carlo Rodríguez]

I suggest "puticles". Not even a real word. And that's because "putriscence" was already taken.

And on a side note...

Dude, what gives? You killed Asok????!!!!

[Ashwin]

I wonder what the implication of these 'uncool' labels are on the people whose lives are dedicated to weeding out dingleberries, lets say.
Imagine being a part of an 'anti-dingleberry squad' or being called 'anti-dingleberrism' expert.

[twounicycles]

Sorry Chris Hehman, w.r.t.

"Evil Cowards

Accurate and uncool without being juvenile. No punk band would call themselves the Cowards."

Chris Wallbank & The Cowards are a band from Wolverhampton, England.

[Richard Hare]

Your brother needs to take over this blog.

[jerry w.]

How about "Law Schol Dropouts", not even smart enough to be a lawyer.

Or:

"Family Circle", a worthless collection of crap if there ever was one.

And the worst of those a-holes? "Circle Jerks" comes (sorry) to mind.

http://boskolives.wordpress.com/

[McBeth]

I spoke to a woman who answered my mechanic's phone when I called yesterday. My son, who has been waiting and waiting to get his snow tires mounted to his rickety vehicle can't find anyone to help him w/o an appointment and I was trying to help him find a shop and a time slot.

What I meant to say was, "My son is being a dingbat", but the words that came out of my mouth to this completely stranger were, "My son is being a dingleberry". Neither is all that flattering, but one is more accurate and is def. better than the other.

She laughed and laughed.

I secretly hope my son will not go to that mechanic in case someone there is still giggling about it and might bring it up again, ("hoooboy wasn't that funny when his own mother called him a dingleberry? hahaha")

[Adrian D.]

"I kind of liked Bill Clinton's name for terrorists:

"Evil Cowards

"Accurate and uncool without being juvenile. No punk band would call themselves the Cowards."

Accurate? For the masterminds who keep themselves nice and safe, maybe. For the people sacrificing their lives for a cause they think is right, not at all. Mind you, *I* don't agree with their cause, but I do know that they are conned by the charmers into thinking their religion and way of life is being threatened by outsiders.

I suppose it is easier to dehumanize those you don't like in the way you describe. If the terrorists couldn't do that, their actions would stop.

[aiwn]

Scott: finally another lought-out-loud entry, thank you very much!
Bruce Harrison: thanks for your comment that added the icing on scott's cake! absolutely brilliant!

[Jon Z]

In reference to Jello Biafra and his list of band names, there was one that has stuck with me for decades..."Jehovah's Rifle Cream". Brilliant!

If I ever started a band, I wanted to use that for the name.

[Tim]

how about Dog-bothering-wanker-scum, don't think you'd get any bands using it.

[Clinton Jammer]

How about 'Gullible Coward'?

[Vikram]

you killed asok? :(

[Sarah_from_WaggaWagga]

The label "Earth's Anus" has almost been taken by Australia. Our (former) Prime Minister, Paul Keating, called Oz "the arse end of the world".

[Ray]

In the UK we have these things called Anti-Social Behavious Orders (ASBO) to stop teenagers being naughty in the streets and upsetting voters. These have become a badge of honour for teenagers and a source of their street-cred.
I always thought they should come up with some acronym such as "T.W.A.T" so all these teenage yobs would be marked as TWATS instead of the little bit cooler "ASBO"s.

That would sort the problem as no teen would risk that!

[Andy Watt]

I love the idea that terrorists are as obsessed as some bleached-blonde teen about how the world perceives them. That's the crux of what you're arguing here, that in some way all these terrorist organisations would be defused by taking the piss out of them.

How wrong can you get? People who are wiling to blow themselves up don't do it for selfish reasons - we're incapable of understanding properly the reasons why they would do it! That's why we (I use this to mean the executive arms of western "moderate" democracies) are currently incapable of fixing this shitstorm, and why there's a growing and inexorable trend towards this becoming a war of religions (which it isn't - it's a war of mindsets).

If you take the piss out of them you'll only make them stronger, as they seek to engage with and recruit the sort of disenfranchised individuals and communities who would regard that piss-taking as being exactly the reason to join.

[Archer]

Amazing how you can bring out the lunatics on the left, Scott..
I prefer calling the terrorists "Dead", that way it leaves no doubt as to their current or future status.
To morons who want to quote number of casualties, care to discuss those numbers in say... WW1 or WW2 or Korea even?
I thought not.

[noclu]

Name calling to combat terrorism? Your brother isn't the big brain in the family, is he?

[hma]

It doesn't work that way. If you switch the word terrorist to e.g., asshat, you just end up with a new word for terrorist. In a short time the word asshat would have all the coolness and scariness of the word terrorist.

Think about how it would look in a history book:
"On September 11 several asshat attacks were committed. Asshat groups hijacked four planes simultaneously. Two of the asshat controlled planes were crashed into WTC towers, and one to Pentagon. Passengers of the fourth plane fought against the asshat and ..."

[Gareth Lazelle]

>>To deminish the cool factor, I suggest a mandatory
>>tombstone epitaph that says something like:

>>"Here lies a stupid Dipshit who thought blowing people up
>>was a way to get laid"

I don't think there's enough left of most suicide bombers for tombstones...

[Mark]

'Fucktards' is my current favourite.

'Another load of fucktards died today, attempting to achieve a blatantly unrealistic goal'

[Tim]

After 7/7 the Sun headline simply read B*stards, I think that covers it.

[Dan]

I think the thing that would affend them most is if we called them our brothers, or perhaps using the oxymoron friendly fire.

[Marc]

How about "Pig fornicators"? I had a different word for "fornicators", but I'm guessing the media might frown on that one.

[Caledon]

Allah Haters

[Alex]

Oh, I see Pilgrim already said something like what I suggested. Sorry, didn't read all the comments.

[Alex]

I don't think gang-banger sounds cool. Terrorist and serial killer, yeah.
I think we should call them something as neutral as possible. Anything that sounds like we even care would give them some satisfaction that they're getting to us. If someone I don't like calls me a loser I would feel that at least I've managed to annoy them.
I vote for "some guy".

"Breaking news: Earlier today, some guy blew himself up in a crowded shopping mall. It is not as yet known what this guy's problem was."

[Chris]

Do what we did in the UK after the last attempts at bombing.
Laugh at their incompetance. A man being beaten up in by security guards while still aflame and the bombs being towed as they were illegally parked. Wonderful.

[Annabelle]

Augh!!! You killed off Asok!!?????? Auuuuuuuuughhhhhhhhhhh bring him backkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

[Miguel]

Why? Why did Asok die?

[Darth Scott]

"We can start calling Islamic terrorists "homosexuals" "

That's not really fair to the homosexuals.

[Ganesh]

Band name: Mouth Organ

Lead: Bill Clinton

[Mike Peter Reed]

I think using more PC terms would be uncool. Let's think:

Terrorist - philosophically challenged

Serial killer - subjective-perspectively challenged

Gang-banger - individual-esteemly challenged

In fact most PC terms have the suffix "challenged" rather than admit to any disability or mental disorder.

To me, in this context, "challenged" means retarded by society's norms. So let's just rebrand all these deviants Retards:

“Troops wiped out a sprawling cell of retards in a part of the world now commonly known as Rip-Off Britain.”

I'm sure David Bohm would be proud :-p

[Wolfger]

Terrorists think of themselves as "martyrs", or "freedom fighters", or "government"...

[Bertram]

Call them Mohammedamns or Virgin Line-ups.

[Marxist]

They are still called by names that are cool. Even AK47 sounds cool by all standards.

[deeyem]

>Over at Little Green Footballs, they call the suicide bomber "splodeydopes."

"splodeydopes"

lmao

[BobNL]

(Sorry for double post, had an extra thought)

On topic: some of the commenters already said it, the cool names are needed by the media who need to reach a large audience. The whole concept of terrorism would probably be pointless if it weren't for the mass-media.
A 'terrorist' wants to spread 'terror' amongst as many people as possible. An important part of this work is done by the journalists.

Now ask yourself the following question: how big a problem is terrorism really? How many people get killed worldwide by terrorism as opposed to e.g. hunger, diseases that are curable but people die of them because they don't have acces to medicin. Or to stay inside the USA: diabetes, diseases caused by obesity, traffic accidents, plain crashes, or even the flu (yes, the flu).

Excerpt form wikipedia about influenza:
[We know the world-wide death toll exceeds a few hundred thousand people a year...]
World health organization.
I think that exceeds the number of victims by terrorism.

Now weigh the amount of money that the US-gvt. spends on fighting terrorism against the amount of money it spends on fighting the flu or any of the other problems I mentioned before. Let go of the assumption that the protection of its nations people is the highest priority of your government. Then you may start looking for the reason that your tax-money is spent so unbalancedly.

BobNL

[Wino]

Since they go through life without any sexual contact, and then blow themselves up erroneously thinking they're going to finally get 72 everlasting virgins....

How about we call them "Uncolas" from the old 7-Up commercials: "Never had it. Never will."

[Alex]

...the problem is that everything sounds cool applied to a band name!!! (e.g: "Earth´s Anus and the Dingleberries", now in concert at Wembley Stadium, wow!) ;-))

There´s no way to fight against this...

[Joe]

Its amazing how may people support censorship in the battle to defend our values, such as freedom of speech. Problem is we have such a great range of values that very few things are considered uncool by everyone. Some of us would think that "satan's spawn" was the worst insult in the world, whilst others would think that is just damn cool. That is why our society is better than the dingleberries propositions, and we will win in the end. See Infidel or whatever the translation is in dingleberry is a universal insult amongst dingleberrianians, that is why they are so closed minded and do stupid fighting things. Luckily we are less closed minded and don't so often do stupid fighting things, hence why our society is so much better.

[BobNL]

I don't know how to say this, but it definitely shows that you are putting less time/ effort into the blog. I can't argue against it, since you explained that you don't make any money with it. It also shows in the comments, by the way. I just want to say that I still miss the 'old style' posts. If I wanted some light entertainment, then there are many other places to go.

On topic: some of the commenters already said it, the cool names are needed by the media who need to reach a large audience. The whole concept of terrorism would probably be pointless if it weren't for the mass-media.
A 'terrorist' wants to spread 'terror' amongst as many people as possible. An important part of this work is done by the journalists.

Now ask yourself the following question: how big a problem is terrorism really? How many people get killed worldwide by terrorism as opposed to e.g. hunger, diseases that are curable but people die of them because they don't have acces to medicin. Or to stay inside the USA: diabetes, diseases caused by obesity, traffic accidents, plain crashes, or even the flu (yes, the flu).

Excerpt form wikipedia about influenza:
[We know the world-wide death toll exceeds a few hundred thousand people a year...] World Health Organization.
I think that exceeds the number of victims by terrorism.

BobNL

[Vasu]

darn! you killed Asok the intern. and his DNA is missing too.

[fred]

That's so on the money I think your brother should start his own blog. I got a new band name, Dilbert's Brother.

[wolfizzi]

Derogatory labels after the fact aren't going to deter fanatics and zealots from acting according to their beliefs. To have any effect, you must operate on their belief system beforehand.

As such, the media should strive to report the news with unwavering accuracy. (By that I mean, not the way they do it now.) Try this:

"A group of mostly young, impoverished, unemployed Muslim men, caused an explosion in a Baghdad market today, killing seventeen innocent Iraqi people. The group had been exhorted to action by the leader of the group, which promotes violence against other Iraqis as a means of embarassing the United States. Economic and social conditions have made it easy for young Islamic men to be deluded into thinking that their participation in such groups is justified. Speculation exists, however, that the leader, who never participates in the violence directly, receives financial reward for the murders of some of the intended victims of the bombings carried out by the group.
Meanwhile, the renewed violence caused an upsurge in the price of oil, which is good news for both the friends of the Bush Administration and the political party which secretly supports the terrorist organization sponsoring the group which conducted today's market bombing."

The foundations of successful Democracy presuppose that greater ideas will eventually win out over lesser ones. But this requires a free and honest press to properly present the ideas.

However, in the spirit of the blog, I will suggest that we use the names of bands that suck to label terrorists. Ergo:

Air Supply
Hanson
Kenny G

A new name for a really uncool band (so uncool, it's almost cool) is: The Haliburtons.

[Akshay]

Even 'Dingleberries' or 'Tiffany's Pimple' would make good alt-rock band names. These guys try hard to stay away from the popular perception of 'cool'. They and their followers believe being unpopular and aberrant is actually 'cool'

[T Simic]

According to www.dingleberriesmusic.com: "The Dingleberries are a fun, energetic band with a variety of songs ranging from rock to country to jazz."

Freaky.

[Ariane]

Gang banger is already funny if you live in Aus, since a gang bang is a bunch of guys all having carnal knowledge of one girl (consensually in theory). I can't imagine too many Aussie blokes aspiring to the title.

But ultimately, any label is cool if you choose to take it that way. Even Spam can be cool. Wog has made the transition here, and even the N word in the US is changing. Any name can do it.

[Angel]

your brother sounds cute.

[Shrinivas]

Ah, the do-gooder's must never play by their opponents rules now, must they? If the saner elements of society resort to below the belt tactics like the ones mentioned in some of the other comments, whats to separate us from our opponents, who in some cases resort to inhuman tactics like cutting off a person's testicles and forcing him to swallow it while slitting his throat....
think abt it..

[Mark Whybird]

Um, is there some meaning of "gang banger" that I'm missing? In the slang I grew up with, a gang bang is a series of men all having sex one after the other with the same woman. Not something I would encourage or participate in, but not in the same leauge as terrorism or serial killing. What am I missing?

[Ward]

But Scott you ought to know what uncool is:
Call them all MOMandDADs or Coworkers or CubicleDwellers (CD's for short) or Belgians or Oklahomians or Belgian Oklahomians (BO's for short) or employees or classicalmusiclisteners (CML for short)... plenty of uncool names around that would make any rapper shrink to slum-slime (SS for short). OK you have to twist the meaning of the words a bit but Carl Rove and that other Bush Spin Woman are unemployed currently aren't they ?

[doug]

Special bulletin:

Good evening our sources from de bowl indicate special forces have just flushed 500 talaTURDs. (special sound effect of a toilet flushing).

or

Good evening our sources in wussyville indicate special forces were unsuccessful in attempts to castrated 500 ballLESS girlyMEN, but managed to fill them with lead (followed with Machine Gun Fire sound effects & the Arnold S. Voice...WE'LL be back GirlyMEN.

[QwkDrw]

Honorable attempt to challenge a perception. It's good of you to pick this one up ...

And to E at 12:58 PM:

"... a piker who doesn't have a sense of the bigger picture is called a 'noob'."

Now that just says SO much
...
GIVE ME A MOMENT Blog

[Attie Naude]

Goat-bangers?

Wait, that also sounds like a band name, albeit not a PG one...

[v kap]

call em dangling pointers...analogy made to code, they are totally unwanted..and equally unpredictable and dangerous...

i kind of think no band would venture to open with a name as dorky as Dangling Pointers...but then again...normal people do not form rock bands..this might need revisiting after more analysis...

[Gnu]

"Troops wiped out a nest of dingleberries in a part of the world now commonly known as Earth’s Anus.”

Umm, what were troops doing killing people in Indiana?

Oh, wait, I see. OK, I think the problem here is specificity...

[Dick]

How about Mohammad's Misfits, since that is why they are selected. Or the N-word, since it appearantly causes such horrific personal pain that no one should have to hear it.

[exiledsurveyor]

I think it should be mandatory for the news media to demean these people every time they are mentioned.

"Some moron went into a school and shot his classmates. The idiot shot 3 people before turning the gun on himself and blowing his tiny brains out."

The news media has created a lot of this by using sensationalist reporting.

[Bubba]

Henry Rollins did a similar talk at one point about El Nino. He is a former punk rocker turned spoken word artist. He suggested that "El Nino" was too altruistic, and it should henceforth be named "the Mother F'r". He used the example of the trailer park couple who just lost their trailer to a wild storm: Which is better:
"El Nino swept our trailer away... damn you El Nino"
or
"The Mother F'r swept our trailer away... damn you Mother F'r!!"

[XX EE]

On an unrelated note, "Stick to Drawing Comics, Monkey Brain!" is effin' hilarous! "I love Technology" was the first one in the series that was slightly less gut-bustingly funny than its predecessors ... but that was a good thing because I was getting light-headed and needed to catch my breath.

On a related note, I have no problem calling terrorists "neocons" -- after all, the two terms are synonymous.

[terry k]

You are correct, terrorists do not know they are terrorists. What the hell is a terrorist anyways? It depends on your perspective on who is being terrorized.

You can call them freedom fighters, martyrs, heroes, criminals, soldiers, indiscriminant killers, pilots, infantry, bombers, administrators, discriminant killers, mass murderers, patriots, propagandists, innocent, guilty, people who obey orders..whatever.

If someone is trying to kill you, I can guarantee that you will think that person is a terrorist, even if they think they may be a hero or doing what is right.

For example, if you are being bombed by an airforce, I would also say that you would think the bomber was a terrorist, although I am sure they would just think your death would be collateral damage. You can't have an omelet without breaking some eggs, or so I hear.

Yes, I know I did not address the point of your blog. So, to try to address your point, why not have them call themselves Delusional.

[kaz]

That's funny. It might not work, though. In elden times Portugal was called the world's asshole, and it ended up leading world exploration and being the hot place to be for a couple hundred years.

If you called it the world's eczema, though, then I'd be all for it, just because it makes so much sense.

[Taxi guy]

This is going to be tougher than it seems. So far everything that everybody's suggested WOULD be good names for a rock band.

[D. Mented]

Tiffany's Pimple ROCKS!
Homicide Bombers sounds a little "last year's news" to me, but I'm with the contingent who say un-labeling is best.
I'd go one step farther and limit broadcast of their escapades - not to cover up what happened, just a whole lot less than we usually give. I know - I know - "if it bleeds, it leads", and if it explodes first, and then bleeds, it will lead for a year and get follow up coverage for a decade, but it shouldn't.
The way the men who committed mass murder in New York in 2001 see those events, they knocked down the twin towers once, and the media knocked them down 100,000 times (and counting) giving them an endless river of publicity.
This is their meat and drink, it's what they live and die for. To show the events enough times for everybody to know what actually happened, and then stop showing it, and keep the discussions current would be far less satisfying to these types.
We should never show the pictures or say the names of people or organizations that commit crimes with the hope of getting public attention.
John Does 1,2, etc. would be much less attractive to people who want to die heroes.
No image of any leader of that type of group should be shown without at least a crayoned-on moustache and horns.
People use "Jesus!" as a swear word and "That's BAD!" as a compliment - there's no word that can't be corrupted or co-opted. Not creating a group noun isn't perfect, but it would be more effective.
T.G. ...funniest comment in the last six months six months!
D. Mented

[sel]

Moron #127 is good, but if we have to give them a name how about Eunuch. I can't imagine any rock band picking that name. Young men who are so desperate to get laid that they blow themselves up are not going to want to be remembered as so "anatomically challenged."

[p-a]

uncool.. humm..
"Granpa's testicles" or "Herpes smell" or " cancereous prostate cooking".. I know it is not describing individual, and is completelly irrelated, but that's the whole point: a naming that does not relate to an individual, or a dog, or anything that you'd name. Something boring, annoying, and that start to disgust you if you think about it too much.

P-A
http://devrouze.blogspot.com/
(blog not in english)

[w.]

"... the world was shocked this morning to find that Penis Wrinkles have bombed what will forever be remembered as the Crotch of the World...."

[terry]

Since when have there been dingleberries at olympic dam?

[David]

Murderers?

[Julie]

Thinking of something that couldn't be a band name is more difficult that I thought. I'm a bit stumped.

How about

missy messy pants
nose miners
anus invaders

[Andres]

Bitties.

:-)

[Hacker Kitty]

Being british also, a problem I've noticed with the staying ever-calm tactic is sometimes people just don't notice. This is because they are uncultured and can't pick up on hints, but it would be far too impolite to ever tell them this.

[TomB]

So far, some great suggestions. Faithless Muslims is a good one, so is Losers. Reject's of Allah also gets honourable mention.

I think you should call them something that combines some of: impotence, futility, meaninglessness, weak character, weak faith, stupidity, social insecurity, and general human inadequacy. That pretty much sums up the sort of people who'd do this. Some candidates:

Idjit
Heretic-of-Allah
Apostate-of-Allah
Talibonehead
Al-Queera
Assclown
Pathetic
Meaningless Morons
Sand Fleas
Guys With No Dates
Osama's Whores
Catchers-not-Pitchers
Candidates for PMITA Heaven
Who?
Nobody of Consequence
Gnats
Footnotes of History
Organ Donors
Impotent Pawns
Exemplars of the Peaceful Islam

BTW, that pathetic, broken loser in Omaha should have taken one for the team by shooting himself first. If you can't hack life in the world, check out by all means! But for Pete's sake, don't take innocent folks with you.

[mtmcl]

I think it's sort of frightening that someone can suggest "big gay pork eaters," with the exception that it might be offensive to gays or non-kosher folk, without thinking that it might be offensive to Muslims.

The comments here are full of prejudice towards Islam. No matter what the media tells you, 'terrorist' and 'Muslim' are not synonymous. Not all terrorists are Muslims and not all Muslims are terrorists.

[Robert S]

I like the idea of dingleberries. Direct, to the point.

[Iain]

'Terrorists'? I thought most people just said 'American' these days...

[Jonathan]

Lawyers

[Mr. Wampus]

To deminish the cool factor, I suggest a mandatory tombstone epitaph that says something like:

"Here lies a stupid Dipshit who thought blowing people up was a way to get laid"

This might work for suicide bombers or more to the point, future suicide bombers. They might think twice if their legacy was something like that.

For suicidal bastards that think they should shoot up a school or a mall before turning the gun on themselves, their tombstone should say:

"Here lies a dipshit who thought shooting a bunch of people on his way out would make him famous. P.S. You aren't famous, you are only remembered as a sad dipshit"

It probably wouldn't actually work but we should do it anyway.

[Tutu]

Call them 'politicians' or 'lawyers'... what's more uncool than that, and how many people (except for other politicians and lawyers) dislike these groups?

At the very worst you cal call them "American Idol contestants"... erghhh!

[Barry]

"I think you’d agree that a band called the Homicide Bombers would have an easier time getting a new drummer than a band called, for example, Tiffany’s Pimple."

With bands named the way they are today, that's debatable.

And I vote for calling them 'asshats'.

[Eric]

Oh, and Drunken Bush Twins would be a GREAT name for a band. Maybe Nelson can rename themselves....

[Eric]

I think Jello Biafra had an entire bit about cool band names. I can't remember any of them, but he remembered to mention Dead Kennedys was already taken. His point was the more offensive it is, the more likely it is to be a cool band name.

Let's call the terrorists "Drunken Bush Twins"

[mbhammer]

How about "needle dick bug fucker"
or the popular favorite fight starter in any prison
"punk ass bitch"

[tech guy]

wannabe martyrs? maybe just call them pagans.

[Chris Hehman]

I kind of liked Bill Clinton's name for terrorists:

Evil Cowards

Accurate and uncool without being juvenile. No punk band would call themselves the Cowards.

[DWH]

We could just go back to calling them 'Anarchists'.

[T.G.]

Each year about 800 USA soldiers are killed in Irak by dingleberries. One would think that USA soldiers are somewhat too sensitive or better start using a bidet.

[Bruce Harrison]

Actually, your brother's name for terrorists is amazingly close to my own. Mine is, "worthless pieces of [defecation]." Hey, I'm trying to be polite, here.

The only problem with that phrase, as with your brother's, is that it could be applied in many situations: terrorists, people who cut you off in traffic and your average IRS agent could all be described using those words.

So that leaves us with a problem -- how to be specific, without being overly wordy. For example, you could call the terrorists something like "worthless Islamo-fascistic pieces of [poop]," but then you would be taking a number of chances. For instance, politicians would generally have problems remembering that many descriptive words, not to mention news anchors. Sound bites would cut off in mid-phrase because they ran too long ("Today, Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice responded to a question about the mideast with the following statement:" "I just want to say to all those worthless Islamo-fascistic pieces of [doodoo] that . . ." "And that's all the time we have. Back to you, Katie.")

So perhaps we need to come up with a new, hip word such as the street culture uses to re-name already-existing words in order to exclude the uncool from understanding their vernacular. Words like "bling bling," "B dizzle," "spliff" and many others. I have no idea what any of those mean, by the way.

So we make up a word like "Tworpers" and start to use it in place of "Terrorists." Then we wait and see how long it takes before it ends up in a rap song. Once that happens, every Hollywood limousine liberal and presidential candidate will start using it to convince the youth culture that they are "coo", and it will snowball from there. I can just hear Hillary saying something like, "We gotta bust a cap on dem Tworpers fer sure, word up!" I mean, the entertainment value alone would be worth its weight in bling bling.

Well, those are my thoughts for today. Thanks for another deeply meaningful, non-controversial and vacuous discussion topic, Scott. You da bomb.

[Rance]

There are all those insurrectionist groups with names like "Army of God" or "Strong Arm of God". Playing on that, an appropriately insulting moniker for a middle easterner extremist might be "Left Hand of God".

[Rance]

There are all those insurrectionist groups with names like "Army of God" or "Strong Arm of God". Playing on that, an appropriately insulting moniker for a middle easterner extremist might be "Left Hand of God".

[Jay Tea]

Over at Little Green Footballs, they call the suicide bomber "splodeydopes."

Works for me...

J.

[Ddelphi]

The worst thing I can think of to call someone is "liberal."

Unfortunately, those who are the biggest liberals (and therefore need an ass-kicking more than most), find the label to be a badge of honor.

Stinkin' liberals.

[drone74B]

We can start calling Islamic terrorists "homosexuals"

[Hoddy]

Troops today wiped out a nest of Bushists under the command of Dead Eye Cheney and CondoLesbian fanatic militia. No brains or humanity were damaged in the engagement, during which all parties were shot through the head.

Many troops were heard to go 'Hut Hut hut!' prior to firing at random (and, sadly, missing). Fighting in the Land of the Broken Constitution is expected to go on for around 18 months more, before a new and peaceful coalition of the needy can be installed.

In unrelated news, the Dollar is now so devalued that the Iranians price their oli in Euros. And get made public enemy #1 for doing so ... hmm, no it's not all about oil, is it?
No, of course not. Oh, and the moon is made of green cheese.

You want to make terrorists less cool - stop voting for their enablers!

[CPB]

They will coopt any name as a badge of honor.

Like when they suffer a humiliating defeat like in Lebanon. When the Israelis left, they celebrated a victory.

Chechnya was pulverized to dust. But someone always survives anything. Then they can declare they won, since SOMEONE is still standing.

[Nat]

How about, virgin shittyshorts? Or Allah wannabes?

[Adrianne]

I always thought "insurgents" sounded too cool as well.
Like the idea of something blasphemous or unfaithful muslims.
Pig=f'ers sounds good, too.
Kinda like the f'ing new CEO who just kicked out my entire marketing dept. on Tuesday without a day of severance pay. Hope he'll get his. If not soon, in the afterlife with the other pig-f'ing morons. (poor pigs)
At least we weren't shot down in a mall.

[synapticmisfires]

I sort of agree with pilgrim's idea. Don't necessarily use any exotic label. Anything that lumps them together and creates this sense of solidarity, this dichotomy between them and all others will only increase the psychic rewards. These are, after all, people who want to set themselves apart somehow from the dominant force that they attack.

So in all seriousness, "a PERSON detonated a bomb, killing himself and two others", "a MAN was caught concealing a weapon", etc.

Of course, this system will never be observed by politicians, because they want to benefit from the same dichotomy. "WE, (national identity), must fight those TERRORISTS, those INTRUDERS on our society" creates this sense that there is a strong bound between the voters and those in power--current politicians. If they can harness this nationalism, this religious feeling of solidarity, voters will feel close to them.

[wkwillis]

George Washington at Dingleberry Forge? What do you think, "Yankee Doodle" was considered a compliment? These people aren't going to give up on stealing our oil because we call them names.

[Chris]

Gotta say first, I think Tiffany's Pimple is pretty funky. Out there right now, somebody's reading your blog and saying, "Hey guys, I know what we can call ourselves!"
But as for the bad boys, it needs something that focuses not on what they do (any euphemism for which will sound cool), but what effect it will have in the long term. Which is Zilch. So how about the Impotents, Ineffectives, or just Zilches? Damn, even that sounds like a band name. Maybe an antonym, in the spirit of sarcasm, that make 'em sound nice? How about the moderates. Or the nice boys, which has a slightly queer-baiting ring about it also? (No offence to the gay community)

[Avi]

Terrorists, uncool. Serial killers, awesome - Sylar!

[LA Clay]

We can call them Democrats, no wait, that's already taken...

[LA Clay]

We can call them Republicans, no wait, that's already taken...

[Joel Klebanoff]

I'm thinking "bigguts" would be a good name for them. When asked the relevance, we could explain that it is derived from the fact that terrorists, particularly suicide bombers, want to spill A LOT (big) of GUTS. Would terrorists want to carry a label that makes it sound as though they have excessive stomachs? Call me naïve if you must, but I don't think so. Their vanity probably wouldn't allow it and they'd quickly find something else to do with their time.

Bigguts has the added advantage of being a homonym for bigots. Terrorists are bigots to the nefarious extreme, so it fits.

[Lone Wolf]

Earth's Anus would be a cool name for a rock band.....

[Bromond]

Tell your brother 'The Dingleberries' are my favorite rock band.

[Chris Hulley]

Isaac Asimov suggested that the best way was to remove the notoriety, event, and association with a known group.

Thus, if the Peoples's Front of Judea mounts an attack, you don't say "Sucide Bomber Sol Bang of the PFJ murdered 15 people in Limburg today, to draw attention to their cause of forcing the Romans to leave".

You say "Moron 127 senselessly killed 15 people in Limburg today".

No identification with a person or group, no event (eg Sep 11) just an incrementing number, no cause mentioned.

You can report the news - heroic rescues, damages, comments etc - but the media are forbidden from mentioning anything that gives any publicity for the perpetrators.

[Mrs. Micah]

And all bombers are homicide bombers--that's why the phrase "suicide bomber" was invented. Gosh some people are dumb.

Foot fungus of society bombers, perhaps? I can't imagine anyone thinking foot fungus is cool.

The suggestion "big gay pork eaters" might also work--though it's kind of insulting to gay people or us non-kosher folks. Still, I think suicide bombers wouldn't like to be called that.

[XX EE]

So many great and funny choices!

"Dope" was a good one. Short, sweet, and to the point.

Calling them just "men" (or "women") is probably the most practical because, by portraying them as average, it deprives the depraved of the glory and attention they seek.

I also like Mokkery's brilliant suggestion for terrorists who claim religious motivation, since (except for radical and extremist sects) no modern religion intentionally promotes terrorism: "faithless." And I agree: anyone whose faith cannot stand up to discussion clearly lacks faith.

[Rich]

I've always been fond of the moniker "fuckstain".

[Joshua Jacobsen]

Labels become complimentary or derogatory based on how people perceive the label. For instance, a bigotted part of the country will inevitably render a positive sounding label for a minority seem derogatory over time.

With regards to terrorists and sociopaths... Disenfranchised people relate to other disenfranchised people. One group of pseudo-disenfranchised people are popular media icons and another group of disenfranchised people are criminals... For that matter, these days, a lot of people feel like they're being screwed by "the system" and will eventually sympathize with the worst type of scum because of it.

[E]

Scott,

You're right that this kind of thing is huge, in both directions. "Undocumented immigrant" sounds 1000 times better than "illegal alien."

The first one is a great guy who needs a piece of paper and someone to stamp it. The second needs a sweaty Sigourney Weaver with a robot loader to kick his ass, then launch him out into space.

My suggestion is NOOB. Rhymes with "boob" and is fun to say.

In gaming, a piker who doesn't have a sense of the bigger picture is called a "noob."

This is phonetically short for "newbie." It seems to me that these are folks that on some fundamental level, just don't "get it", or they couldn't be talked into this kind of thing.

But NOOB just rolls off the tongue and isn't cool in any context. The gamers can find another name to harass each other and take pokes at the new kids.

If you would, think about this with the comments, pick a good name and ask your 30,000 + readers to start using it.

You'd be surprised how much buzz and influence that would create if it is catchy - we might could get this done.

[Sondra]

Idiots

[Robby]

"I Suggest: أهبل (Asshole in Arabic), something that they really understand!" --Adrian Rodriguez

How do you pronounce that? If it sounds like a cool English word, then it won't work. And in future, if you want people to say a foreign word, consider including a pronounciation guide in the first place.

As regards Scott's basic idea, however, I think it's a load of crap. I'm sure terrorists don't pay a lot of attention to what we cal them, because they already know we're wrong about everything. And if they did listen and we were calling them dingleberries, I can't think it would help us much. ("...AND, the infidels are now calling the noble warriors of Allah dingleberries! That's just too much. I'm gonna go join al Qaeda!")

[Jed Snole]

The label probably isn't all that important. Actually, any label probably would be counterproductive.

As for Iraqi insurgents, the best weapon against them is Youssif - the kid with the facial burns who has been so much in the news lately. Whatever their agenda - defending the faith, resisting the invaders, getting revenge for the last bombing, displaying their macho - it's hard to win any followers when the subject of Youssif comes up. The media are good at working the emotional angle, and this story is priceless for them.

Take the case of the Virginia Tech shootings. The media handled that one relatively well. Calling him a "gunman", showing his video, telling of how he roamed the halls with his automatic weapons, probably were unhelpful, but then look at the positives. They also focused on how he was emotionally troubled, told friends about his vacation with Vladimir Putin, and his imaginary girlfriend named Jelly. You don't want to show videos of students in mourning, hanging ribbons and wreaths and stuff. You want to show the cops sifting through his room for evidence, wearing latex gloves as they gather and catalog all his personal belongings. The word "weird" comes to mind right away here. I don't think a lot of kids want to follow in his footsteps.

[Someone]

"Deluded psychos"..

For Pender (comment #2)
Infidels? I just don't see it, calling terrorists "infidels"?

[Mike K]

You people are going in the wrong direction. You need it to sound academic, because that's never cool:

Terrorist = "unofficial violent international politician"
Murderer = "unauthorized life function dismantler"
Theif = "possessor of illegally obtained goods"
Politician = "Politician" (it's a dirty word no matter what context it's in)

[Kent McManigal]

How about calling them "cops", "bureaucrats", "government agents" or something similarly slimey?

[Rob]

We should we call them unwashed losers who can't get laid.

Today an unwashed loser who couldn't get laid shot up a mall, before taking his own life.

Osama bin Laden recruits other unwashed losers whom can't get laid into blowing up normal people who can get laid.

[jdallen]

"Dingleberries" is good, but probably would not be accepted by CNN, MSNBC, etc. It might fly on Fox News.

[james]

How'bout just plain "religious wackjobs". That ought to marginalize them pretty well.

[Taxi guy]

It might be as simple as coming up with a list that would make really bad names for rock bands.

[Peter O'Connor]

How about the following:

"Suicide bombers" shall be known as "exploding people" (sounds incredibly lame, no glorification at all, and prevents the assumption they're terrorists. May just be a bad bomb technician on his way home from work)
"Terrorists/ism/" shall be known as "miscreants"
"serial killers" could be "cornflakes" (so they're still identifiable, but who would want to join the "cornflakes?")

Some very random ideas. I guess political correctness is the other way to go- that kills all fun. Suicide bombers would be "bomb carrying individuals who are existentially challenged." Never gonna be cool.

[Schadeboy]

I think Tiffany's Pimple would be a good name for a teen punk band.

[Timg]

I don't think insulting them is the answer. We need to be politically correct these days, so we should refer to suicide bombers as "entropically challenged".

[Jorge]

I've long had a problem with the term homicide bombers as it is redundant. Is there any kind of bomber who is not intent on homicide? Do they make bombs that are meant merely to tickle? Or maybe ones that really sting? How about bombs that just give you paper cuts?

OK, to be completely fair yes, some bombs may be intended to maim rather than kill but they're fairly rare.

At least with the term suicide bomber you know that the bomber intended to blow him/her self up. If they were trying to plant a bomb and accidentally blew themselves up they're an incompetent bomber. If they plant the bomb and escape then they're just bombers.

in answer to your question, I don't think our renaming them would have any net effect. In order to make it effective their culture/friends/leaders/etc would have to change the name. When someone you believe to be crazy calls you an asshole does it bother you? If your family starts doing it then you might have cause for some introspection.

I gave some thought to a few names that might work if your idea was possible but couldn't come up with anything more ridiculous and concise as dingle berries.

[Vivek]

If i remember right, there was this chapter in Freakonomics about the Klu Klux Klan and how it finally dissuaded. I don't know how much of it's factually correct,but the premise of it was essentially the same. A guy goes undercover and finds out the secret codes/passwords used by the KKK and finds it so absurd (Kloran!) that he spreads the word on the local radio as a joke ( think he was an RJ or smth). Gradually people who had been members/supporters of the KKK or even those proud that it existed felt foolish and left. In effect,the sense of aura that the KKK had about itself died out and so did the group!

[Campbell]

Murderers perhaps?

Same thing for "Islamic fundementalists" and pretty much any other such name with Islam in it.

Islam is a religion of peace and tolerance (at least as I have been lead to understand it) these people are not Islamic. Just because you say you are something dosnt mean you are. There something, there not Islamic and there beleifs and actions have nothing to do with Islams teachings. As much as they would like to beleive they are they are not. Meanwhile the label uses that label incorrectly and tarnish's the whole religion which for my mind is extremely irresponsible.

And for the record I dont proscribe to any particular religion.

[Brian]

Ignore them?

[Mason]

Its not the name, its the fact that they are doing something society thinks they shouldnt. If everyone killed people, then the people who didnt kill would seem cool. Its like the grass is greener concept.

[Pender]

Call 'em virgins.

I hope their 72 virgins are all male.

[Chris]

My suggestions are:
Infidels, Muhammadolts, Muhammadinks, Muhammadumbasses, Muhammadiots, or Heathens.

[Pilgrim]

That won't do the trick. If I were a "freedom fighter" and the news in the country I attacked called me a "dingleberry" I doubt that would assuage me.

Perhaps a better tact would be to not give them cool names or insults, but just to refer to them in the most mundane, irreverent way possible. Like "fellows" or "chaps". For example;

"A gentleman blew himself up in a crowded mall today."

This is a trick used in British Parliament all the time. The trick is not to get mad at people who's very goal in life it is to upset you. I pity those blokes don't you?

[Pilgrim]

That won't do the trick. If I were a "freedom fighter" and the news in the country I attacked called me a "dingleberry" I doubt that would assuage me.

Perhaps a better tact would be to not give them cool names or insults, but just to refer to them in the most mundane, irreverent way possible. Like "fellows" or "chaps". For example;

"A gentleman blew himself up in a crowded mall today."

This is a trick used in British Parliament all the time. The trick is not to get mad at people who's very goal in life it is to upset you. I pity those blokes don't you?

[Shan]

Stupid lemon-eaters.

And all bombers are homicide bombers--that's why the phrase "suicide bomber" was invented. Gosh some people are dumb.

Foot fungus of society bombers, perhaps? I can't imagine anyone thinking foot fungus is cool.

The suggestion "big gay pork eaters" might also work--though it's kind of insulting to gay people or us non-kosher folks. Still, I think suicide bombers wouldn't like to be ca