Bad Things to Say to People

Recently my wife told me I chew too loudly. While I don’t deny the accusation, I wonder how it is possible for one person to chew more loudly than another, assuming both people have their mouths closed.

Do I have thinner cheeks than the average person? Do other people somehow close their nasal passages when they chew so the noise doesn’t come out their nostrils?

I’m reasonably sure the carrot in my mouth doesn’t know who is chewing it, so the originating sound is probably the same with me as with anyone else. There must be something freakishly wrong with my skull architecture, like one of those buildings where you can whisper in one corner and someone on the other end can hear it clearly.

There isn’t a lot I can do about this problem. If you have ever tried to chew more quietly, you know it sounds exactly like not trying. I went from blissful ignorance about my chewing problem to the painful knowledge I have some sort of mastication disability that will make it impossible for anyone to love me.

So I officially added “You chew too loudly” to my list of things you should never tell another person unless you intend it as a practical joke. So far, the list isn’t long. But it includes another one I heard as a teen, when I was most impressionable: “Is that the way you normally walk?” To this day, I only walk from one place to another if I am sure no one is paying attention. So obviously I don’t chew anything when I walk, because that’s a total red flag.

One of my favorite examples in the genre was a guy who told a nervous groomsman just before a wedding ceremony “I heard that sometimes you can pass out from standing still for too long when you are anxious.” That is pure evil, yet clever enough to be justified in my book.

Also on the list: Telling a new father that one of his kids looks exactly like the mother. It leaves open the possibility that the father didn’t contribute any DNA. It’s not as evil as suggesting that the baby has the mailman’s eyes, but it’s close.

Do you have any to contribute to the list of things you shouldn’t tell another person?

Comments

[Jamie]

My boyfriend and I were cuddling while watching television, and I was absent-mindedly stroking his chest with my hand when I involuntarily blurted out:

"I wish you had boobs."

[Bagga]

My ex-wife complained about me pushing my cornflakes too noisily into the milk in the bowl. I was dumbfounded, because she is partially deaf...

The perfect putdown for a man to say to a woman was one I saw in a comedy program:

"Hello Gwynneth, you're looking very attractive today. Are you unwell?"

[john]

A friend of mine kept calling me an IT-guy, but I am really a scientist who happens to work with some computers! That really hurts...

Telling a friend with mental problems that she has shit for brains, just because she does not know how to come up with arguments in a very heated discussion... is not awfully nice ;)

[Will]

"You look very handsome" to a lady.

You should check out http://www.mil-millington.com/ for lots of stupid things someone's argues about.

e.g. 'None of the other men I've been with used a mirror to shave.'

[ID]

In the army someone asked my sargent for a smart soldier to help them with something, there were two of us standing there. And ofcourse he did not pick me. So I guess I don't look smart. I got the last laugh, the guy he picked had a GED and I had two years of college.

[grenacia]

Someone noted: "Is this your daughter?" to an older man with a much younger date.

The reverse can be bad, too. As a teenager, I shared interests with both my parents that they didn't always share with each other, so I'd go to the theatre with my mom and science and engineering events with my dad. My mom and I are obviously mother and daughter, but even though my dad and I have familial resemblance, strangers would sometimes think I was my dad's girlfriend, which really weirded me out.

[Dianne]

My personal one - "You look like a ship in full sail" - said by my mother when I was 13 and a little top heavy for my age. It took about 10 years of boyfriends to convince me I wasn't abnormal, and I never wear tight shirts or strappy tops to this day.

[Aarontu]

If the person is conscientious about their age, act like you aren't familiar with something they are talking about and say, "must be a different generation..."

Once back in grade school, a girl sitting next to me told me, "I like your nails, I wish I could grow mine that long." I still remember it and my wife knows I just have this thing about always having my nails cut.

[Andrew]

Telling them that their religion is false and their deity does not exist always seems to be good for a laugh...NOT!

[just me]

The worst, IMHO, is "We need to talk." Nothing good ever follows that sentence.

[ben acton]

"Whatever you do, don't worry. That could be dangerous!"

[Beru]

When I was 5, one of my mother's best friend told me that I laugh backwards. Now I'm 31 and I still remember this "funny" comment everytime I laugh... But I don't understand what she meant though (º_º)

[Trevor]

One day my best friend told me that friendship was like peeing yourself everyone notices but you are the only one that gets that warm feeling.

[Roger]

The response to "you chew too loudly" is "you don't chew loudly enough" After all what is the appropriate volume for chewing.

[Ryn]

Bob: I hate it when girls ask "Do you think I look fat?" I mean how am I supposed to answer that?

Me: Do you think I look fat?

Bob: I think you like cake.

---
Also, when I was younger and extremely self conscious my parents would sing a song about me containing the words/phrases:
Four Eyes, Brace Face, Buck-tooth, Clown Feet, Big Nose

I was in tears for hours after that...

[Lady Chroe]

When I showed someone my new tattoo: "Oh, that's a... doozy!"

[Nala]

Anything that starts with "Don't take this the wrong way, but..." is usually not good. If you start a sentence like that, it should be because you're handing them something that literally should not be taken the wrong way, like prescription medication or heroin.

[Kristy]

Let's see. . .
"I can see your nipples." My mother told me this when I was 13 and wearing a teeshirt under a sweatshit.

"Gasp! Don't smile like that." When smiling the first time for my senior pictures.

"But you colored outside the lines here." My mother when I was 4 and I was showing her a picture I colored for her.

Thanks for opening those wounds again Scott. It is amazing what little comments will shrivel the soul.

[Logan]

I don't know if this is worse than the chewing thing, but I have a friend who was told by his wife "I can't sleep in the same bed as you, it makes too much noise when you blink."

They do indeed sleep in separate rooms now.

[David Monkcom]

One of my college tutors once said to me (when handing back an assignment paper) "Mr Monkcom, you strike me as one of these people who will go through life showing a great deal of promise".

Ouch!

[PSW]

A secretary in our office once said to me, "Hey, your face looks a little puffy today." Everyone in the cubicle farm jumped up and looked at me to assess her powers of observation.

The same secretary also asked me once when my wife (who weighed about 105 lbs.) was due. My wife wasn't due and I should have left it at that. I compounded the mistake by telling my spouse what Ms. Secretary said. It's been more than a dozen years since then, but my wife still won't wear that dress.

[H-Bomb]

OMG - this made me laugh so hard!

My ex boyfriend said a number of things to me that mortified me and made me feel awful:

First thing in the morning "wow - that tomato juice you drank last night is kicking. Or did you puke?"

I handed him and as I crawled into my bed, he said, "Are you going to let me drink!" I'm sorry to disturb you, jerk.

He told me I'm mad. Crazy. FYI - women really don't like to be called crazy.

One morning, in bed, he said: "Get out of this f-ing bed and make me some f-ing breakfast." I was stunned. Immobile. He was serious.

We watched a rape scene in a movie and he made me watch it again and said, "that's how you want it. You want me to take it." Yeah - that was the last straw.

See why he is my ex!?

[Wil]

Hey, Spike,

My brother is always telling people to calm down the moment they disagree with him. He does this deliberately, because he's a jerk and he wants people to get defensive. I think your wife might have some of that, too. At any rate, when you're told to calm down, the most calming thing to do is to then accuse the other person of needing to calm down. Don't claim you're already calm, just tell them to calm down. It sounds weird and contrived, but it works GREAT. It can also get laughs from bystanders. Do like so:

Jerk: "If we're going to continue this conversation, YOU need to CALM DOWN."

Calm individual: "Look, everything is going to work out fine, as long as you calm down."

Jerk: "No, I'm telling YOU that YOU need to CALM DOWN. Not me, YOU."

Calm individual: "What? You're spouting nonsense. Now just calm down, or this conversation is going nowhere."

[Leo]

Hmpf. Bad memories.

My big brother, when I was about fourteen: "Wait a minute... is that how you walk?" Surely enough, I'm 32 and still too damn conscious about my walking.

I overheard a hot girl talking about me when I was about seventeen. "He is so gorgeous," she said to a friend when I was passing by. I still remember how I felt when, just a couple of seconds after, she added "but what's wrong with his teeth?"

:-(

[Nervous Nelly]

"Are you nervous?", a surgeon asked me repeatedly because I was impersonating a rock *while he was about to cut a benign tumor from my left upper arm*. Thanks, that made me calm down!