Achievable Goals

The key to happiness is setting achievable goals. For example, I think a bad goal is trying to find enlightenment, or becoming one with the universe. That has hard work written all over it. I was thinking about this recently because of the story in the news about the 35-year old woman who stayed in her bathroom until her skin fused with the molecules in the toilet seat.

http://edition.cnn.com/2008/US/03/13/woman.in.bathroom.ap/index.html

While it might be hard to become one with the universe, apparently it is easier to become one with your own toilet. All you need is a boyfriend who is willing to slip pizzas under the door.

While we’re on the topic of the boyfriend, I also think he did a good job of setting his goals low in terms of girlfriends. If you’ve ever had a high maintenance relationship, I think you can appreciate the subtle beauty of his arrangement. This fellow found a girlfriend who never complained. Can you top that?

I see this woman as a pioneer in the evolution of humankind. Her life might sound boring to you, but imagine if she had a laptop in there, with a wireless Internet connection. Suddenly a bad idea starts to look rather brilliant. For most of us, moving from place to place is usually about seeking food, bathroom breaks, employment, conversation, sexual stimulation, and returning to the computer. That’s a lot of time wasted moving around. A laptop and a toilet can satisfy all of those needs. You can even order food online. I’m not ready to make that sort of commitment yet myself, but I’d be lying if I told you I didn’t give it some serious thought.

Comments

[Patrick Hothersall]

I wonder if the University of Chicago Business school is getting many hits with that banner add to the right of this story.

[Jess]

Jess, that would probably work but according to my interpretation of the Ruby equation there's a conflict.

[topaztic]

sad world we live in. i wonder why no one else noticed that she was in that bathroom? family? friends? neighbors?

i heard that the b/f was going to be charged - though i wasn't aware that stupidity was a crime.

if only.

[Dave K.]

Set easy goals? No! The best way to feel good is to set goals that have already been accomplished.

[The Chief]

Think about what this wacko is doing to the families of people who disappear. Now they will go on forever, always thinking "she could just be sitting on a toilet seat somewhere..."

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[Shashwat]

Didn't Dogbert once say something like, "The secret to happiness in high expectations and a bag of chips".

[travors]

Well see, a cow hasn't been peeled.
When I see a slab of uncooked steak in the butcher window it does make me salivate in much the same was as an unwashed and peeled potato wouldn't make me salivate but if you clean and chop it and make it into a potato wedge it will get my juices flowing.

[JT]

I scoured our office and several others for Dilbert comics and drew bix red Xs through them with a chisel tip Sharpie. I am also organizing a Dilbert/Scott Adams book burning event in our neighborhood along with a Scott Adams voodoo doll contest, several burnings of your effige, and I am leading a petition drive aimed at imploring Barack Obama to give a speech denouncing this blog post. Shouldn't have made fun...

Sincerely,
Humorless A-Hole

[G]

Bet David Blane's well PO'd that someone beat him to it.

Whatever happened to him? Are the still trying to get the wrinkles out of his fingers and toes?

[No one]

To all those wondering how the man used the toilet it's quite simple: His trailer had two. Try reading the article.

[sam]

[For most of us, the main 'goal' in our life is our relationship with those close to us, spouse and children. But when can you say "that's it, I've achieved the goal of loving this person"? That is one of the reasons divorce rates are so high, the Goal starts with sex, once that's been had, it's marriage, then what? kids, house, eventually it's all achieved, so there is nothing more to do. If the Goal becomes loving the person properly, it will never be achieved, but the journey towards that goal is called a relationship.]

Tenelus - that's one of the most emotionally intelligent things I've read in a loooong time :) Thanks

[Rufus T Firefly]

"Ha-ha, really funny. Making fun of an obviously sick person. Whatever gives you the right to do that?
Your books and comics are going into the trash can.
Empathy doesn't really score high with you, does it?
Posted by: Jens | March 18, 2008 at 12:20 AM"

What gives him the right? The same right that lets you complain about his insensitivity.

And as for discarding his books, etc: considering he already got his money from you, how exactly will this impact him?

Think of it in a more positive way: your money may be gone, but you'll always have your self-righteous indignation.

[Detton]

(Quote)
Care to explain how one would obtain sexual stimulation on the toilet? -

... You really don't want that explained. You really, really don't.

There was this guy once, see, he was caught in an outhouse... hiding IN an outhouse... waiting for women to...

I'd rather not go into the details, but I think i've 'explained' enough to make you regret your request ;)

(Sexual stimulation to SOMEONE, not necessarily everyone)

[Paul White]

I loved the comments that indicted the boyfriend for being lazy. Hey folks, the boyfriend wasn't the one who sat on a toilet all day. He was the only one in the house who was working, cooking, cleaning, etc. He was taking full-time care of a grown, clearly unstable woman while holding down a full-time job. Granted, he obviously didn't do a particularly good job at the former. Out of his element? Yes. Of questionable intelligence? Sure. But lazy? I don't see it.

[Rick]

I'm confused - how did the boyfriend manage to go to the toilet in the two years she was sat on it? Did he have to remember to go before he left work? Or did he pop in to use the neighbours bathroom? Perhaps he had a bucket under the bed that he emptied in a public restroom daily?

[Bee4]

Take a look at this on the Darwin Awards website, someone with the same idea (but less hygiene):

http://darwinawards.com/slush/200801/pending20080121-061516.html

[Frank]

Just because a woman is fused with a toilet doesn't mean she won't complain. I bet the poor guy had to listen to sentences as "This seat doesn't match the redness of my butt!" and "Does this toilet make me look fat?" quit a lot.

[Tenelus]

I wish I didn't always have to pretend I was smart and argue with you, but I'm going to anyway...

The point of life is not the achieving of self set goals. If you achieve a goal, you will only have a brief period of satisfaction followed by the complete downer of knowing that there are plenty of other goals. There is joy in the journey towards your goals, knowing that you are working towards something better. For most of us, the main 'goal' in our life is our relationship with those close to us, spouse and children. But when can you say "that's it, I've achieved the goal of loving this person"? That is one of the reasons divorce rates are so high, the Goal starts with sex, once that's been had, it's marriage, then what? kids, house, eventually it's all achieved, so there is nothing more to do. If the Goal becomes loving the person properly, it will never be achieved, but the journey towards that goal is called a relationship.

I don't want to preach, but often people mistake the Christian view of God to make him some evil dictator setting a bar that cannot be reached. If instead, you see God as the ultimate Goal, the proper end of the human person, it starts to make a bit more sense, and the struggles that define humanity seem more just.

tenelus@gmail.com

[Johno]

Suddenly I don't feel so bad about my failure to do anything more with my life than teach schoolkids for 10 years . . :)

[Tim C]

Dear Mr Adams,
This is not for publication without 'cuts'.
There is another reason why you find it difficult to introduce a mohammedan character into Dilbert; it is not a religion, so much as a political ideology. Spirituality is a small part of that faith, whereas the body of law is immense. There are many schisms, and no human authority.
My brother, a writer, explained this to me; I then googled it.
Circa 1990/1991, after the Berlin Wall fell, my bro & I analysed who would be the next villains in a post-communist world. The conclusion was i) the mossies, then ii) the Chinese.
In real life, you perhaps affirm your beliefs by serving alcohol
and pork (?) in your restaurant.

[Carlo]

She was stuck to the toiletseat. Does anyone wonder with me how HE used the toilet? Should have been a intimate experience.....

[Luke]

Why don't you do it as a sort of publicity stunt. Try to spend 6 months in your bathroom with your laptop. You can have visitors but you can never leave. You can record your daily memories on this blog.

http://thisdevilsworkday.wordpress.com/

[Simian God]

I know you don't really need encouragement because you do pretty much what you want anyway, but I just want to say: U GO GIRL. My blog is named in your honor.

[Jens]

Ha-ha, really funny. Making fun of an obviously sick person. Whatever gives you the right to do that?
Your books and comics are going into the trash can.
Empathy doesn't really score high with you, does it?

[Cpt]

Reading the story I couldn't help but ask myself: "how and more accurately, where did they meet?"

[Airmanf7]

That is pretty messed up. the boyfriend probably should have called medics sooner.

[Hannah]

This is random but to the person who said that trailers only have one bathroom, that's rarely the case. Trailers are meant for families, which usually means kids and usually means two bathrooms.

[Bob]

> For most of us, moving from place to place is usually about seeking food, bathroom breaks, employment, conversation, SEXUAL STIMULATION and returning to the computer... A laptop and a toilet can satisfy all of those needs.

Care to explain how one would obtain sexual stimulation on the toilet?

[sam gates]

There certainly is an element of the sublime in the story. I found it kind of tragic actually. I get dopey late at night.

[kman]

She's not from India, is she?

[Bobert]

Sure, OK...

But when you're girlfriend's butt is fused to the toilet seat, how do you have sex?

[Kevin Kunreuther]

You know, defecation is too much work. All waste should leave your body effortlessly and without involving too much plumbing. If only excretion was a gas and not a solid, it's solve a lot of problems. Farting I can live with ... and let's face it, is fun!

[Miao]

Are you going to parody this in your comic strips? ;)

[Sondra]

I'm holding out til Barcalounger makes a toilet.

[Sir Mike Tallon, PhD]

What you're proposing sounds like a scene from the prophetic "Idiocracy" movie...

[burt]

lol yeah. that would meet all of someones needs except for sexual stimulat- oh. wait................

sick man! very sick man!

=P

[Bill]

As hard as I try not to, I can't help but wonder what would have happened if the toilet had backed up.

Argument #399 as to why stories like this just shouldn't be allowed into the mainstream.

[Swami Dave]

In complete "truth-funnier-than-fiction" fashion, the punch line to the story is the blog link at the bottom of the story!

It is apparently implemented via AJAX technology. After you click the link (From the Blogs) before the data returns, you get the message "Sit tight we're getting to the good stuff".

I'm sorry - noone could PLAN this to be funnier!

-Swami Dave

[Leora]

I smell invention.
The toilet/laptop, designed kind of like those old school desks. You remember, the wooden chair with a drawer under it, and a wraparound desktop-armrest. Just wire it up and add plumbing, and spruce up the design to make it more IKEA-ish (and more hygienic). Et voilà!

[patti]

Patti IS GETTING THE CREEPS:

FUSED? Oh yeah, sure!
UMmmmm "OMG. I just fused with some molecules on the toilet seat!
The toilet seat attached itself to MY AMPLE REAR and now some molecules decided to actually.. UMMM... Fuse with me."

(OR? maybe.. was it DNA.. from... sperm?)
I believe those molecules were trying to "screw her".
If her boyfriend was any man, he'd be really upset and grab THOSE little buggers.

ON ANOTHER NOTE:
Maybe, she can even sue the seat manufacturers, too.
Maybe there is some nano-technologies being used from outer-space.. to impregnate her or take some cells from her butt .. TO CLONE HER OR SOMETHING.
Anyway, This story SEEMS CREEPY AND gives me the Willies.
SO?? I am upset!
"FUSE YOU, SCOTT!"

[glenn B]

sounds like the beginnig of cybernetic humans. we'd evolve to be 10 lbs of brain and digestive tract.

[Sandrine]

Scott, I loved that you picked this up. Even easier for her boyfriend - he could "creep around" and never have to worry about being caught. Seriously! He could have a lady friend in the next room and his girlfriend would be none the wiser. That guy had it made in the shade!

[patti]

Patti adds:
What IS the matter with her boyfriend anyway?
He was a lazy-ass for sure!

In that amount of time,
IF HE REALLY CARED,
he would have built her a private designer 2 story outhouse!
I'd drop him .. for real! Geesh.

[patti]

Patti says:

Hmmm her boyfriend "stuck" with her all that time?
Sounds like a sticky situation to me.

** Okay, the last time I became one with the commode, it was a weekend and my significant other was away visiting friends. I had entered the bathroom with a new lengthy novel and didn't realize that
HE.. had left the seat in the ... "UP" ...Position.

SO?
As I began to ever-so-lady-like ... sit .. ..
My ample butt was soon dunked in the pit.
It did me no good to stew and throw a fit..
I was stuck for good and ..that was IT!

Now, at first..I panicked.
Cause, I was really getting pissed.
Then, decided since I was stuck in a swirling abyss,
I might as well flush and get a whirlpool out of this.

SO? There I was ..for over .. 2 days
just a-Flushing, a-reading and a-swirling.
My behind was sore, withered and wet..
and my fingers and toes were a-curling

Finally the bathroom door swung open
and there "HE" was standing .. in all his glory
With me so... angry ..and Em-bare-assed
Being scared to death.. he stuttered ..."I'm Sorry"

Working hard for hours and finally freed
my sore butt surfaced with a horrible pop
The commode was all broken into pieces
and my beautiful floor was all covered with slop.

Now ..My guy is afraid to pee
in a toilet that's meant for me
for he's afraid he might again forget
to lower the seat so that I can sit

and he knows that I will certainly freak
if he again does take a quick leak
leaving me stuck in a wet position
because of his careless omission

He now fears my angry fury
and knows this time I'll hurry
to install a seat that quickly falls
to injure his .. most- precious B@LLs

[Spockfiend]

Snakes, did you say snakes?

Come to me my child.

[Furzyweb]

The key to a successful marriage is setting very low expectations....and just barely missing them. If you meet the expectations, the bar is automatically raised, if you totally miss them, you won't be tolerated, but if you just barely miss them, the bar is gradually lowered more and more till you reach the perfect level of success.

I achieved total victory when I was walking out the door to the Super Bowl and my wife's last words to me were "Don't Get Arrested."

[moiagain]

If your wireless network is like mine, it needs some resetting once every few months for mysterious reasons. It seems that it would be a problem unless your cable modem is in your new "office".

I'd hate to have an interruption of service so I would favor a wired jack right in the washroom. Since you're not doing much moving around anyway, being tethered to the wall won't be a problem. As a side benefit, downloads will be faster (Internet downloads I'm talking about here; other types of downloads may be more a factor of what you end up eating).

Considering all factors, it may be more advisable to have to toilet fixture installed in your office rather than the other way around. This way, if you're facing the door, people may never know what's going on (except for you not standing up much to shake hands and maybe the fact that you're taking notes on squares of paper from a roll attach to the wall next to you).

That could work, now that I think about it...

[rita mae]

Man! That was an about-face. First it's Hay-Soos. Now it's the toilet woman. I wondered how long it would take you to get back to basics. Your love of potty humor has done you in.

JERRY W sez: [Since she was always seated, You could say that her boyfriend was nuts over her. By the way, it's been three days, can we expect the return of Hay Soos? Don't leave us hanging.]

Good job, JERRY W. You put "nuts" and "hanging" into the same post. That's my boy.

This gives a whole new meaning to "Are you going to live in there?" when someone is hogging the bathroom.

Rita Mae

PS. JERRY W -- was there a subliminal message about the three days and Hay Soos hasn't returned? Personally, I think they will roll back the stone and he will be gone. Three days to return? Three? Like from Good Friday to Easter Sunday? You and Scott. What a pair!

[cliff]

A two full bath single wide?

[Nicole]

Yeah, I saw that news story too. The version I read said that both of them had "diminished mental capacity," I assume mental retardation.

It occurred to me that maybe some prankster broke into the house and put superglue on the toilet seat, and the woman was unable to explain why she couldn't move, because of her communication difficulties. So maybe she didn't "become one with the toilet seat" all by herself.

I guess I'm just glad that someone finally had to come in to help.

[drunknmunky]

Hay-soos PLEASE COME BACK!!! ^^

[Karl H.]

He wouldn't marry her, so this was the only way she could get a ring.

[Ent]

The whole concept is reminisence of insects of the order Strepsiptera. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Strepsiptera) They are parasitic. The female never develops eyes, wings or legs and never leaves the host insect. The male spends all his adult life, (about five hours), looking for a female to mate with and, when he finds one, must be content with that portion of her, (the head and prothorax), which protrudes from the host insect. Does God have a sense of humour or what?

[KD]

The idea would probably work better if someone invented a leather lazy-boy toilet that you could recline on for sleeping purposes.

[Mark Thorson]

Why not combine this idea with
your previous plan for the
underground tunnels filled
with robots. If the people
stayed fixed in one place,
that would considerably
simplify the design problem.

You wouldn't need the tunnels
anymore because if nobody
leaves their toilet-offices,
who cares if the robots are
scooting around above-ground?

You could build it where land
is cheap, located near the
resources you need to operate.

This operation resembles
another business, which is
often located in the middle
of corn country, namely
animal feedlot operations.
In particular, it resembles
the production of veal.

Now, if you could figure out
a way to market human veal,
you've got a slam-dunk good
business model.

[Nimrod]

I think I consider the enlightenment thing easier than what this woman did.

[dork]

interesting post..although there are a lot of elderly who are forced to such fate.
would she have needed a phone or is she making calls over the net?
Also, she don't need net for some 'action'...she could always oral the BF.
Also, the BF is welcome to enter and feed her some good variety of foods..she aint hannibal lecter to feed chum over a tray.
She would need a tube of running water for drinking though 'coz if you sit there after your business is done...the body wants to pee often albeit in small amounts.

[Clair]

This has nothing to do with your subject this time so please excuse me while I rant about the Olympics. The Chinese are after the Tibetens again so I wish that someone with blog skills would start a " lets not go to the Olympics this year " or until the Chinese work out their problem with freedom.

[John C]

Very interesting thought "hannasdad"....what did the boyfriend use as a toilet? I'd be very suprised if a trailor had more than 1 toilet....Hmm.

Now I was wondering if that bathroom had a "Glory Hole". If so, I can very easily see that being the perfect relationship for that guy and clearly understanding how he didn't want to upset this perfect situation for over two years.

[Ethan]

So what you're basically saying is that you aspire to be plugged into the Matrix.

[HannahsDad]

When I want fulfilment, I go for a 'Zen burger' - it's one with everything.

What did the boyfriend use as a toilet? You can only jab so much poo down the sink with a stick before the neighbours complain.

[Jacob Germain]

mmmm, i don't think that was a goal, more a depressing lack of rational thought by all those around... >_>

[simon]

"It really doesn't surprise me," Ellis (neigbour) said ... where the f**k does he live that someone fused to a toilet seat doesnt suprise him ? Do they have nightly alien abductions there ? Is Kansas the most exciting place on earth ? Even Amsterdam doent have stuff like this .....

[justjoan]

Give some serious thought to buying stock in "Depends," Scott. Great for everyone from Astronauts to Grandparents. Could be the next Big Thing for computer users.

[LyonLee]

Remember: if you're ever worried that this might happen to you, just lift one cheek then the other.

[The BGM]

Funny, the very first thought (okay, after I giggled my ass silly) I had when I read this story is just that; this is not the worst idea I ever heard of.

Don't knock it until you try it.

I have to wonder if the boyfriend got to that level of horniness that prompted him to bring a one-night stand. That'd be a really cool situation to witness when the woman from the pub went in there to take a whizz.

[Spike]

And I thought I took a long time 'camping' in the bathroom!

The funny part of this story is when the boyfriend say "after a while, you kind of get used to it."

Doesn't that cover a lot of ground? I'm picturing this quote as a caption in a New Yorker cartoon, some guy chained to the dungeon wall with something horrible happening to him, and he's giving the new guy advice.

Hilarious!

This brings up the question: what can we 'get used to' after 'a while'? Is there a limit?

Spike

[Diana W]

I consider this story as proof there is a God, because how else would this woman find the one man in the world willing to care for her as she choses to become one with his toilet. Especially considering he lives in a trailor, so the odds are that was the one and only toilet. I'm wondering what would happen if he chose to move someday. He'd have to advertise it as "Two bedroom trailor, good condition, includes a squatter."

[tamsnod27]

Well, sure, there is the simple elegance of this existence which would be completly overpowered by the LACK OF HYGIENE. Man alive, could you even imagine the smell, and that is even before they pried her off the bowl. Somehow, I don't picture anyone with regular brain activity seriously wanting to emulate this poor brain addled individual.

[Real Live Girl]

So your real dream home is just bathroom with a wireless internet connection? Please don't go all Howard Hughes on us.

[E]

Scott,

The bathroom aspect of this was what was disturbing to me. That is an odd place to nest, how would you get there?

Experiences as a child where bad things happened to you... pretty much everywhere EXCEPT the glorious bathroom, where you could be safe? Hard to imagine really.

However, am completely with you otherwise. I got bumped to first class a couple of times on international flights - and let me tell you, I could never leave that magnificient chair again and have everything I need to be happy.

It is a comfortable chair with movable positions and foot rests, that turns into a bed at the touch of a button, with outlets for laptops and a high definition video screen for movies, etc...

Add to that, a guy with an English accent to wait on me hand and foot, with great food and responsive service... and I'm golden.

I was a little sad to actually get home. It turned a 23 hour flight into one of the most relaxing weekends I've ever had.

Living and sleeping on a toilet, I'll pass... thank you for offering, no pie for me.

[Sam Davis]

Enlightenment is actually not that hard to achieve, if you chant Nam-myoho-renge-kyo daily. It requires persistent effort, though.

Someone sitting on a toliet seat until skin molecules fuse with the seat is not an example of becoming one with the universe. It's an example of serious delusion.

Objectively, we already are one with the universe; subjectively, unless we understand this with the core of our lives, we continue to make causes -- create negative karma -- that prevent self-fulfillment and happiness.

[dsg]

Hi Scott,

I didn't read all of the comments from your previous post, but it seems most people love you. Today it looks like you are trying to buck that trend. I bet a higher percentage of people will be angry at you for making light of someone with a mental illness than for the Hay-soos thing.

Care to put a ten spot on it?

Thanks for the post,
dsg

[jerry w.]

Since she was always seated, You could say that her boyfriends was nuts over her.

By the way, it's been three days, can we expect the return of Hay Soos? Don't leave us hanging.

http://boskolives.wordpress.com/