Right Up My Alley

A reader sent me a link to a story about a Japanese woman who was accused of kicking a hole in some guy’s door, crawling through the hole, and destroying his property. She was acquitted when the court realized that her breasts were too big to allow her to fit through the hole.

http://mdn.mainichi.jp/national/news/20080304p2a00m0na028000c.html

In other words, if the tit doesn’t fit, you must acquit.

The funniest thing about this story is the visual it puts in your head. The accused turned out to be innocent. But she had to sit in court while a room full of strangers, and later the press, imagined her trying to crawl through a hole in a door and getting snagged by her knockers. It is all the funnier because the hole is in a door. Somehow that is just more amusing.

Apparently there was an extensive courtroom discussion about the physics involved in getting a torso and two melons through a smallish hole. I immediately started solving the puzzle in my head, wondering if you could poke your head through then flop one boob through, then an arm…no, it wouldn’t work. But you can’t tell me you didn’t have the same thought.

If I were the prosecutor, and I saw that the defense was winning its case, I would demand that the accused put butter on her breasts and try to fit them, and optionally her head, through a smallish hole in front of the jury. It wouldn’t help win the case, but it would make the afternoon go a lot faster.

[Update: Okay, this just gets better. Blog reader Aaron wonders if she could have reached through the hole in the door and just unlocked it. I am laughing because I got so carried away thinking about how to get those boobs through the hole that I never once considered just reaching in and unlocking the door. That is hilarious.]

Comments

[investimenti]

http://www.investimentimobiliari.com

[Janice]

Does gravity come into play at all? I tried to install a new toilet seat and had a dickens of a time getting the old one off. I had to squeeze myself onto the floor between the toilet and bathtub to try to get the bolts off. Getting DOWN into that position, gravity aided me in getting my boobs past all the wide parts, but when it came time to get UP and OUT I thought I was going to be stuck until someone discovered I was missing and came to investigate. The vision of my rescuers faces and laughter was motivation enough to MAKE me find a way up.

[CD]

The man filed allegation against the actress in November 2006 and the appellate Tokyo High Court has acquitted her now. Did she develop her boobs in the mean time on the advice of her lawyer?

[D. Mented]

I would have *eventually* thought to unlock the door if I needed to get in, so I'm kind of surprised the whole Japanese court couldn't think of that - do they have an unnatural view of women's mental ability being too low, or are they all that boobie-obsessed?
Makes ya' go Hmmmmmmm.
Then again, although my own accessories aren't that huge, if they'd seen some of my male co-workers squeeze their impressive beer-bellies through very small spaces to get at whatever they needed to work on, the woman would have been convicted.
I swear - men with 48 inch waists going through 12-inch holes should be a new Olympic event!
D. Mented

[http://stafex.net]

A NEW SITE FOR ONLINE TV AND MOST POPULAR TV SERIES:
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[Sheetal]

"if the tit doesn’t fit, you must acquit."

I laughed out loud in my oh-so-silent office when I read this. And then had to change it into a laughing-cough. I dont think anyone bought it.

[Sheetal]

"if the tit doesn’t fit, you must acquit."

I laughed out loud in my oh-so-silent office when I read this. And then had to change it into a laughing-cough. I dont think anyone bought it.

[Stanley]

You are right. It is the visual that one line of text puts into your head that makes a serious issue pretty funny for the readers. Pretty ingenious of you to notice that, really. Poor actress. Wonder why high ended forensics are still not a reality in Asia.

Stanley Lyndon,
Author, How to be Funny.
http://www.howtobefunny.net/

[Stanley]

You are right. It is the visual that one line of text puts into your head that makes a serious issue pretty funny for the readers. Pretty ingenious of you to notice that, really. Poor actress. Wonder why high ended forensics are still not a reality in Asia.

Stanley Lyndon,
Author, How to be Funny.
http://www.howtobefunny.net/

[Chris]

Can I just say something about door knockers?

[Ken]

This guy is an idiot. I for one I am sure many guys would agree, that they would love for a hot pin-up model to break into their place. So what is he complaining about?

[Marc]

I think she would have made it if she took her top off. Can we have her try it that way?

[Leahn]

Scott, you let slip some spammers in the comments. Are you getting old?

[Dan K]

Hahaha, that hole is huge, and yeah, a hole that big you can easily reach the locks on a door, pretty much regardless of where the locks are. The video of her going through the hole makes it obvious she'd be able to get in if she wanted.

When I was a kid I knew a guy who could slip through a 12" by 4" floor vent, he had a little trouble with his head/cheekbones but it looked impossible until you saw it happen, and then you were still like WTF? How did he fit.

[himanshu]

this goes to show that nothing satisfies men........ this guy had the pin-up model with huge boobs as girlfriend and he still was with another woman in his house........i wonder what size the other one had????

[Keshav Bhatt]

funny.....how easy to get acquitted in court...i didn't murder him 'coz my boobs are too big ;)

[be.bart]

But how do you unlock a door with your tits then?

Or am I missing the point here?

[sa]

come..and see

[Murdock]

I read this notice and imagine that scene as everyone who read it. It's realy very funny!

[DrHyde]

This video will help you PICTURE it better :
http://jp.youtube.com/watch?v=XYSOHKIfM1s

[gq12gq]

the Mobile Phone Base (Forum), we are a community of mobile phone users from around the world. By joining our free community you will have access to post topics, ask and answer questions, communicate privately with other phone users (PMs), respond to polls, upload your own photos and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free so please, join our community today!
http://www.mobilephonebase.com

[MobilePhoneBase]

the Mobile Phone Base (Forum), we are a community of mobile phone users from around the world. By joining our free community you will have access to post topics, ask and answer questions, communicate privately with other phone users (PMs), respond to polls, upload your own photos and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free so please, join our community today! www.MobilePhoneBase.com

[Bertram]

Could not have happened in the US. Figure the judge, burying his face in his hands, crying "TMI, TMI!"

[quantum_flux]

Maybe it was his puppy dog that got in through the doggy door and did the damage.

[adora]

She actually a bikini pin-up model. And here's the video at the press conference. You can see her demonstrate getting stuck in door with her I cup breasts.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=DFcFCw4EfGk

[adora]

She actually a bikini pin-up model. And here's the video at the press conference. You can see her demonstrate getting stuck in door with her I cup breasts.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=DFcFCw4EfGk

[Katherine]

OK, my chest is bigger than hers, and I have no doubt that I could fit through that hole. She's trying just about as hard as...someone who doesn't want to go to prison.

[WCE]

"[Update: Okay, this just gets better. Blog reader Aaron wonders if she could have reached through the hole in the door and just unlocked it. I am laughing because I got so carried away thinking about how to get those boobs through the hole that I never once considered just reaching in and unlocking the door. That is hilarious.]"

I hate to point out something so obvious, but if her boobs are *that* big, she can probably talk a skinny guy into doing it (or anything else) for her.

[Patti]

"Vico Dan" .. are you out there?

Patti wants to know..
is my friend.. "VicoDan" still around? Does he ever post?

[Jeff]

If you do a google search for "McDonalds biofuel", a surprising number of results backing up a story last year pop up - that McDonalds UK is switching it's truck fleet to run on used cooking oil.

Probably an April Fool's hoax gotten out of hand, but if so it's certainly spread.

http://www.autobloggreen.com/2007/07/02/mcdonalds-will-make-biodiesel-from-its-own-waste-grease-for-tru/
for example

[Bob]

Scott,

Keep us a "BREST" of the situation.

[Irishman]

Maybe she wasn't smart enough to unlock the door - after all, she is a pinup model.

The more I see the video, the more certain I am she's pulling a fast one.

I note the video and article make a big deal about her ribcage and breasts extending 29 cm, as if her standing position with breasts supported in bra constitute a solid object. Breasts aren't known for being rigid items (at least not the ones with which I'm familiar). She could get her ribcage through the opening, so she could wiggle through. In her demos she doesn't make much effort to compress - not the kind of effort that an irate woman intent on entry and causing damage would give.

As for splinters and such, I was wondering about a girl that could kick a hole in a door, but looking at the video here, they show the door.
http://www.weirdasianews.com/2008/03/04/court-finds-model-innocent-based-on-breast-size/

It appears to have a ventilation slot down the middle of the door, which is what she would have kicked out, rather than kicking through full-panel door. Kicking out a louvered grille insert to the door would leave the hole fairly smooth, just like the rectangular slot shown in the demo videos.

Ric asked:
>Did they ever check her to make sure they were real? She could have just worn a big padded bra to court every day knowing they would be the difference. When I think of Japanese women I just don't immediately think big boobs.

Given that she is a "pin-up model", there are plenty of photos to confirm it is more than a padded bra. There is a photo of her in a bikini top at the provided link. Though I wouldn't mind checking to confirm if they are real.

[lulu]

I am a size 16, bra size 40DD, and I could have gotten through that hole easily! What a crock!

[quantum_flux]

According to my calculations, she could have fit through the rectangle diagonally.

C = sqrt(72^2+22^2) = 75.3 cm

Her breasts only stick out 29 cm.

Oh, never mind. The circumferences and perimeters don't fit. You must acquitt!

[Nick]

much better picture of her on here

http://blognavi.info/news/entry/31028/index.html

[Greg]

Test

[DPWally]

The linked article merely says she has big breasts, but as we can see in this profile
http://jeanettes-celebrity-corner.com/2008/03/04/serena-kozakura-japanese-model-with-big-breasts-pictures/
"big" is a serious understatement. She must have implants, those mis-proportions aren't possible without them.

I'm sure, as Diana W says, a breast can be compressed a lot, but can an implant be compressed? I'd expect not.

[Likeu]

Thanks. Very intresting post =)

[henry]

your 2/25 Dilbert. In the last frame Bob looks like he something sticking up his bottom

[Surely U. R. Mad]

Imagine that...the first case ever where big breasts didn't open doors. :)

[Fletch]

They got it wrong...

Her breasts made the hole.

[jerry w.]

Mike D asks:

Besides the double posts and the "First!" posts, is there anything less funny than puns?

Posted by: Mike D | March 06, 2008 at 07:53 AM

Mike, thanks for including the answer inside your question.

http://boskolives.wordpress.com/

[DF]

Okay, I watched the videos and read the stories, and while I think it is funny as hell, she so scammed the judge and or jury. I don't think she even tried to crawl through the opening the way she was arching her back, about as hard a OJ did trying to pull on the glove.

Oh well, after watching her writhe around on the floor wearing a push-up bra, miniskirt and boots trying to fit through the hole, I would have let her off too.

[Diana W]

Speaking of funny news items, have you seen the video clip at http://www.aolvideoblog.com/2007/11/27/the-front-fell-off/ ? It's a politician trying to explain why the front of a oil tanker fell off and spilled 20,000 gallons of oil. It's hysterical on many levels. If the link doesn't work, just Google "Front fell off video clip". This guy could be the PHB of the year.

[elDoc]

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2008/03/03/nhoover103.xml

the news is about a building worker who was found having sex with a vacuum cleaner. I thought there were plenty "funny-story-about-guy-having-sex-with-object/animal", but I can't seem to get enough of them!

I think it has Scotts's name written all over it.

Regards from an Argentine fun

[brian]

http://www.lowtechmagazine.com/2008/02/a-world-without.html

Sorry off topic. Thought you might be interested in this automated delivery system for things - kind of what you proposed in your ideal city blog earlier...

[Cool! -- Scott]

[rita mae]

There I go!! Posting again before I watched the video!!

She could have gone through that opening. Hell, I could have gone through that opening. I thought it was a little bitty hole in the door. That was a large opening and I don't think she was trying very hard to get through.

I'm still having a hot fudge sundae later today.

Rita Mae

[Patti]

Patti says:
Grin.. and bare it!

Just the other day I was taking a walk when I noticed a large butt sticking out of a door-hole.
I thought it was one of those fun gags and did a double take when I saw it squirming.
I stood in amazement wondering how a fat-ass got wedged in that tiny hole. Could it be a body without a mid-torso?
I stood there eating my potato chips and drinking my soda while I contemplated the scene.
Maybe, someone forgot their keys.
Maybe someone thought it was a people hole and it actually was a man-made dog/cat-hole.
Maybe someone had gas and stuck their large butt outside.. so as not to offend someone. (In that case I would make sure that I stood a great length away)
Pretty soon a CROWD GATHERED. Everyone had their own take on the situation. Since we couldn't determine the sex of the person, we debated that issue awhile.
After an hour or so we decided to approach the A$$.
We asked questions but the half-assed answer was muffled.
Finally, in an attempt to help, we pushed the butt inside (making the hole larger) and much to our amazement...
It was a thief named Charlie who was simply holding on to his own lower prized possession.
It seems his penis and privates were so large that the bulge got caught on the inside of the house as he tried to back-out through the hole...and leave.
The more he pushed the more swollen his jewels became.
Charlie admitted breaking the door to enter. But, he stated that he never ENTERED the house and had just started trying to go inside.
We knew that he was on his way out with some items that he dropped near the hole in the door.

I was happy they never asked that I be a witness.
They never asked …and I … never offered.

Now, during the first trial, the thief was found guilty of breaking & entering and … robbery.
HOWEVER, during the second trial, they found many old girlfriends that came to his aid and proclaimed his innocence. They all stated that he was not quite that endowed at all. Therefore he was not stuck backing out through the hole. Instead, they believed that he was just caught trying to break in.

SO? Was he just ..breaking in ..
or .. was he already inside and got stuck attempting to leave with some merchandise??

Finally in an attempt to settle the case, they asked to see his treasured privates.
What they saw, settled the case .. for good.

On his privates, he had a tattoo that simply read "Charlie".
That was certainly not enough to convict him of anything more than an “attempted break-in”...since that evidence showed his privates were NOT large enough to get “stuck“
backing out.
…and so? He was found "innocent"

But, what they failed to note (and what I had actually seen) is that when excited it actually read
"Charlie’s Charcoal Broiled Hotdogs Chattanooga Tennessee"

[quantum_flux]

Her breasts didn't have any splinters!?

[Ric]

Did they ever check her to make sure they were real? She could have just worn a big padded bra to court every day knowing they would be the difference. When I think of Japanese women I just don't immediately think big boobs

[Sondra]

"The funniest thing about this story is the visual it puts in your head. "

Yeah, of her reaching in and unlocking the door.

What's funny is no one in the courtroom thought of it.

[Megan]

Probably not a good thing that I rely on this blog for most of my current event updates.

[Matt]

I agree with the reach around theory. I don't know about you, but I feel the reach around is sorely underused and all to often forgotten.

[Nimrod]

Aaron is a genius. I can't believe I didn't think of her unlocking the door either. This story is like some kind of Mensa puzzle.

[Keith]

The prosecture went at this all wrong. Everyone knows that if a woman with big breasts needs something done there is always a man willing to help her. The prosecutor should of charged as an accessory and tried to find the man she had volenteer to go through the hole and destroy his property.

[Joe]

Oops, correct link this time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XYSOHKIfM1s Video of her actually trying to fit through a mockup of the entryway. She doesn't seem to be trying very hard, and there's no butter either.

[RUBBA]

I too saw the video demonstration and I don't think she tried very hard. It reminded me of OJ trying to get his hand in his glove.

[Joe]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XYSOHKIfM1 She actually demonstrates why she wasn't able to fit through the entryway in this video. No butter though.

[Shane]

Just looked at the video. The hole is huge. I am not an expert in breasts, but I have had some experience with them, and it looks to me like just a little bit of squeezing and she could be through.

The crazy thing is that she was convicted and the judge overturned the case. Most Japanese legal experts are baffled by the decision and the private meeting that the judge had with the defendant in chambers where a replica of the door and a stick of butter were requested.

[just_human]

It wasn't that she couldn't break into the apartment. If you read the blurb, the man who lived in the apartment claimed that was how she gained entry. If he had been smart, he would have said she reached in and unlocked the door.

"During the appeal hearing, the court heard testimony from the man and a witness who both said Kozakura had kicked a hole in the door, through which she wriggled through to re-enter the apartment."

[Scott]

The reason just reaching through and opening it isn't relevant is the following:
During the appeal hearing, the court heard testimony from the man and a witness who both said Kozakura had kicked a hole in the door, through which she wriggled through to re-enter the apartment.

The witnesses would therefore have to be lying.

[Anthony]

Hello everyone.

Although you are all correct that she could have just reached over to unlock the door there are two points

A) First off the case against her was that she crawled through the door by a WITNESS. They only need to prove this case wrong, after that the witness would be changing his story.

B) The door may have a double lock on the outside and inside.

Either way, I'm sure the first point is pretty important. It looks bad when you say "Well actually your honor, I think she just unlocked the door I didn't really see her crawl through".

It does look like she could have flattened one boob at a time to fit through, but I doubt this because the hole would be rather rigid and painful from the broken pieces attache to it.

[Helm2Lee]

Here's a link to a video of her trying to get through a simulated gap:

http://sports.rightpundits.com/?p=496

The woman is a Japanese pin-up model, so I don't think she was too traumatized at being forced to demonstrate how ample her bosom was.

FWIW, my caving instructor always told us that we could get our whole body through any gap that we could get our head and shoulders through (or even just our helmet). One of the ladies in the group, who had ample cause for concern, asked about other parts of the body just below the shoulders; he said you'd be amazed to what degree soft tissue will compress. So I think Ms. Kozakura pulled one over on the judge, but he probably considered the demo tape to be ample compensation.

Helm

[Not touching this with a ten foot pole]

Looking at the video (www.weirdasianews.com/2008/03/04/court-finds-model-innocent-based-on-breast-size) it appears the door has a deadbolt on it, so just reaching in and opening the door wouldn't work.

[Raj]

LOL.. this is too good to be true.

[Adam]

Question: Do you think they would have forced her to bare-all for evidence, since she could have been wearing a pushup?

http://www.livingwithanerd.com

[Mike D]

Besides the double posts and the "First!" posts, is there anything less funny than puns?

[gary]

brilliant!

Regards
Gary
good article very interesting.

Regards Gary
http://cancerlinks.blogspot.com/

[Matt Brown]

If I was the prosecutor, I would feel like such a boob.

[Helm2Lee]

Here's a link to a video of her trying to get through a simulated gap:

http://sports.rightpundits.com/?p=496

The woman is a Japanese pin-up model, so I don't think she was too traumatized at being forced to demonstrate how ample her bosom was.

FWIW, my caving instructor always told us that we could get our whole body through any gap that we could get our head and shoulders through (or even just our helmet). One of the ladies in the group, who had ample cause for concern, asked about other parts of the body just below the shoulders; he said you'd be amazed to what degree soft tissue will compress. So I think Ms. Kozakura pulled one over on the judge, but he probably considered the demo tape to be ample compensation.

Helm

[Helm2Lee]

Here's a link to a video of her trying to get through a simulated gap:

http://sports.rightpundits.com/?p=496

The woman is a Japanese pin-up model, so I don't think she was too traumatized at being forced to demonstrate how ample her bosom was.

FWIW, my caving instructor always told us that we could get our whole body through any gap that we could get our head and shoulders through (or even just our helmet). One of the ladies in the group, who had ample cause for concern, asked about other parts of the body just below the shoulders; he said you'd be amazed to what degree soft tissue will compress. So I think Ms. Kozakura pulled one over on the judge, but he probably considered the demo tape to be ample compensation.

Helm

[Real Live Girl]

How many times did the lawyers, judge, and jury have to carefully examine "Exhibit DD" before she got off? Bring tissues; justice is messy.

[Charlie]

I heard on the radio they actually DID have her try going through a replica of the hole, sans the butter of course... Can anybody confirm that? I'm too lazy to check.

[madamos]

According to the video at www.weirdasianews.com/2008/03/04/court-finds-model-innocent-based-on-breast-size

She did demo it in court.

[Diana W]

Any woman who has had a mammogram can attest that breast can be compressed a LOT. But it's nice to know my boobs might save me from a wrongful conviction some day.

[Art]

This takes the cake... Nobody can make this stuff up. Not even the Onion. www.theonion.com

[LA Clay]

Is this the breast you could come up with? I thought comedy was your areola of expertise! This is just another poor example of trying to milk a story for all it's worth, nipple it in the bud now!

[Aaron]

that's just goddamn hilarious. who says she couldn't have reached the door knob and opened it? lol

[rita mae]

The sad thing is----

if this happened to me, my defense attorney would say, "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, please take a good look at the defendant. As anyone can plainly see, the defendant would only be able to squeeze through the door hole until she got to her midriff. Her head, arms, and chest would fit, but really.......take a look. Do you think that this lady who has delivered babies weighing ten pounds could fit through that hole?"

The prosecutor would be laughed out of the courtroom and I would be a free woman. Then I would go back to work and try to find a phone number for D. MENTED so we could celebrate my good fortune at having tiny boobs and a big waist by going out and ordering super-sized hot fudge sundaes with extra fudge and nuts. (The ex-Marine could watch while we licked the bowls clean.)

Rita (tiny boobs) Mae

[ThomasC]

Cue the avalanche of marriage proposals from around the world.

[dsg]

Hi Scott,

I have nothing to add. "If the tit doesn't fit you must acquit," can't be beat.

However, I would like to be the first to accuse you of being insensitive to women in Japan. A woman in a rich developed country gets accused and acquited of a crime because she has breasts, and you find this funny?! How dare you!

Thanks for the post
dsg

[Joe]

Gives new meaning to the term "knockers"

[Chris]

"If I were the prosecutor, and I saw that the defense was winning its case, I would demand that the accused put butter on her breasts and try to fit them, and optionally her head, through a smallish hole in front of the jury. It wouldn’t help win the case, but it would make the afternoon go a lot faster."

Or ask claim that she could fit through if she didn't wear a bra, then ask for a live demonstration

[jerry w.]

It's obvious that the case was a bust, but the prosecutor said he just wanted to "try" her.

There was a legal precedent, it was in the case of butter vs oleo methinks.

http://boskolives.wordpress.com/