Man Has His Way with Picnic Table

My readers know I love a good story about a man getting frisky with an inanimate object. The recent report about a man in Ohio is my favorite so far. I won’t ruin it by giving details. Check out the link, but most important, play the video of the thick-necked policeman describing what happened. It’s a visual you will never get out of your head. Priceless.

http://www.kcci.com/news/15762329/detail.html?rss=des&psp=irresistible

I suppose the reason I like these types of stories is because I like what I call philosophical brevity. This story says more about humanity, and men in particular, than all the books in the Library of Congress.

It even one-ups one of the best and briefest jokes ever conceived:

Q: Why does a dog lick his b*lls.

A: Because he can.

If an alien landed on Earth and said he had two minutes to learn everything about human beings, you could show him the video of the Ohio man, tell the joke about the dog, and still have sixty seconds left to describe women.

People follow their strongest impulses. It’s pure luck of the genetic and environmental draw if your strongest impulses are socially acceptable. The Ohio man’s strongest impulse on several documented occasions involved the hole in the top of his picnic table. I’d call that bad luck. If his table had been stored on the porch BEHIND the house, he could have had the world’s cheapest hobby and everyone would have been happy. And that includes his wife who was tired of dressing up as a picnic table every Saturday night.

[Update: He would have approached the picnic table from the other direction but its stool was in the way.]

Comments

[Aditya Simha]

I hope they have many little tea-tables together, and live happily ever after!

[patti]

Patti says: yeah a bassist. I visited the website. kind of interesting. Format and colors are good.
watts up...heads or tails? how do you enter a music url onto a website?

[BudMan]

Thanks alot!! I will never be able to look at my picnic table again without this story flashing through my mind.

[jeff]

Andy "the bassist" Watts wrote...

"Wow, I'll be damned. Patti and Jeff are definitely two sides of the same attention seeker."

......said the guy with his own self promoting blog.......bassist? rock on, rockstar.

ps. you're welcome for the hits...you'll be at double digits in no time....

[Andy Watt]

Wow, I'll be damned. Patti and Jeff are definitely two sides of the same attention seeker.

[KAVI WAZ HERE]

God. The post and the comments are all full of innuendo. Or rather play on words. Great blog though!

(Scrubs is awesome).

http://thedailysong.wordpress.com/

[New Guy]

This guys got quite an ace in the hole....

[azw88]

You gotta wonder if this guy goes to the local strip club, asks for a table dance, and ends up leaving very very disappointed...

[KB]

KB Exclaims: PATTI - YOU GO GIRL!

Let me speak on the majorities behalf, we love you. You find the humor in everything.

The few that don't get it are dim wits who wouldn't know their asses from a "hole in the ground" or should we say "picnic table" ;-D

** Jeff / JT, such strong words from the two of you
"table toppers", do us all a favor...stick a "cork in it".
;-O lol

*** Scott, you can't blame the poor fella.
I know what happened. He mistakenly thought the table was made of virgin pine or Butterfly Bush.
Thank god it didn't turn out to be a burning bush! 8-o

[jeff]

my freewill led me to that post. and i wasn't posting so much as for you to stop posting, just to let you know that you're not funny. if that's what you were actually going for. if it was for supporting the theory that you were lame and void of creativity, then kudos to you. point made. either way, you can stop...

[patti]

Patti says to all the … “J’S” as in … JACKASSES

WTF do you care?? Close your eyes! DON'T read my posts!
GET IT!?
I start my posts that way , so that I AM NEVER mistaken for your crap!
THERE I said it!
Funny? Ummmm it is only funny ... that you don't get it!

When you see "Patti says" .. JUST…SCROLL for god sake! SCROLL!
WTF … IS THE MATTER WITH YOU that you cannot SCROLL?

Here is my e-mail (Patti's e-mail) pbermel@hotmail.com
Have at it.

BTW I have lots of posters and bloggers who have e-mailed me and .. enjoy me and my posts .. so:
Get a life and .. use your will power and then. HOP over my posts.
BTW .. I'd hate you too! Holy SH*T you guys are asses!

_____________________

[Noumenon]

Do I have an unusually sensitive penis? I can't imagine any amount of lube that would make this comfortable.

[Biff]

"...and still have sixty seconds left to describe women."

Well, at least the alien would understand half of the population, then.

[travesti]

My blogs are still new and I agree, you just have to write like someone is reading it.

[JT]

OK, I'll say it...Patti is really annoying-every post. It's so stupid to have a "posting style". Why the fuck would you start every post with a declaration like "Patti says; or Patti shouts!... I guarantee I would hate you in real life.

[WhiteFox]

Well, now the whole town knows why his wife buys those dresses with the red and white checkerboard pattern...

[Chuck]

You forgot the question mark at the end of the dog licking question.

Inexcusable. I stopped reading at that point.

(Rita Mae wins today. And whomever made the duck joke first.)

[ns]

Isn't calling police a bit much? whatever happened to:

dear neighbor,
I have seen you having sex with your table. Stop it. If I catch you again, I will have to report it to police.

Why not just write a note and let the guy know he can be seen? What if the dude didn't know anyone was watching? Wouldn't a little written warning suffice?

I swear. Now this dude's life is ruined for being a weirdo. And his kids lives are ruined too. We all have fetishes or things that we don't want others to know. Should we be all be punished for them? Should all our lives be ruined because of it?

[patti]

Patti to Jeffey:

Ohhhhhh Noooooooooo . And I loved you soooo much!
Guess I'll roll into a ball and die.

BUT? On the other hand..
*** NO I won't!
You DO have free-will, don't you? I announce my posts so ..
just try to .. CLOSE your eyes real tight and do .. the scroll.

[patm]

Maybe Letterman's staff reads your blog... this topic was his top-10 subject Thurs. night. Dave about fell out of his chair as he read the list topic for the night.

Go here to see the "Top Ten Excuses Of The Man Caught Having Sex With A Picnic Table"

http://www.cbs.com/latenight/lateshow/top_ten/index/php/20080403.phtml

[Mark]

Scott, you should add a date/comic-search function to The Official Dilbert Widget.

[pt]

Just the burger please, hold the mayo.

[Rich]

"And that includes his wife who was tired of dressing up as a picnic table every Saturday night."

You win.

[Mike]

I was told of a man who used his lathe in a similar way. The shaft was hollow and with a suitable lubricant...

I also know of someone who used a hole in the ground. He turned out normal later, in fact he was seduced by one of his teachers (Lynda T (or was it B then?), you know who you are). That field has never forgiven him.

What I don't understand is: is he thinking of a sexy babe at the time; or of doing it with two picnic tables; or of watching two female picnic tables getting it on; or of his mother-in-law; or his wife wearing stockings? You see where I'm coming from here...

[Urs]

I can't decide what's wierdest: the tableophiliac, the neighbor who TAPES him or the justice system who puts him on trial...?!?

I seriously doubt the aliens would stay much longer!