Man Has His Way with Picnic Table

My readers know I love a good story about a man getting frisky with an inanimate object. The recent report about a man in Ohio is my favorite so far. I won’t ruin it by giving details. Check out the link, but most important, play the video of the thick-necked policeman describing what happened. It’s a visual you will never get out of your head. Priceless.

http://www.kcci.com/news/15762329/detail.html?rss=des&psp=irresistible

I suppose the reason I like these types of stories is because I like what I call philosophical brevity. This story says more about humanity, and men in particular, than all the books in the Library of Congress.

It even one-ups one of the best and briefest jokes ever conceived:

Q: Why does a dog lick his b*lls.

A: Because he can.

If an alien landed on Earth and said he had two minutes to learn everything about human beings, you could show him the video of the Ohio man, tell the joke about the dog, and still have sixty seconds left to describe women.

People follow their strongest impulses. It’s pure luck of the genetic and environmental draw if your strongest impulses are socially acceptable. The Ohio man’s strongest impulse on several documented occasions involved the hole in the top of his picnic table. I’d call that bad luck. If his table had been stored on the porch BEHIND the house, he could have had the world’s cheapest hobby and everyone would have been happy. And that includes his wife who was tired of dressing up as a picnic table every Saturday night.

[Update: He would have approached the picnic table from the other direction but its stool was in the way.]

Comments

[Aditya Simha]

I hope they have many little tea-tables together, and live happily ever after!

[patti]

Patti says: yeah a bassist. I visited the website. kind of interesting. Format and colors are good.
watts up...heads or tails? how do you enter a music url onto a website?

[BudMan]

Thanks alot!! I will never be able to look at my picnic table again without this story flashing through my mind.

[jeff]

Andy "the bassist" Watts wrote...

"Wow, I'll be damned. Patti and Jeff are definitely two sides of the same attention seeker."

......said the guy with his own self promoting blog.......bassist? rock on, rockstar.

ps. you're welcome for the hits...you'll be at double digits in no time....

[Andy Watt]

Wow, I'll be damned. Patti and Jeff are definitely two sides of the same attention seeker.

[KAVI WAZ HERE]

God. The post and the comments are all full of innuendo. Or rather play on words. Great blog though!

(Scrubs is awesome).

http://thedailysong.wordpress.com/

[New Guy]

This guys got quite an ace in the hole....

[azw88]

You gotta wonder if this guy goes to the local strip club, asks for a table dance, and ends up leaving very very disappointed...

[KB]

KB Exclaims: PATTI - YOU GO GIRL!

Let me speak on the majorities behalf, we love you. You find the humor in everything.

The few that don't get it are dim wits who wouldn't know their asses from a "hole in the ground" or should we say "picnic table" ;-D

** Jeff / JT, such strong words from the two of you
"table toppers", do us all a favor...stick a "cork in it".
;-O lol

*** Scott, you can't blame the poor fella.
I know what happened. He mistakenly thought the table was made of virgin pine or Butterfly Bush.
Thank god it didn't turn out to be a burning bush! 8-o

[jeff]

my freewill led me to that post. and i wasn't posting so much as for you to stop posting, just to let you know that you're not funny. if that's what you were actually going for. if it was for supporting the theory that you were lame and void of creativity, then kudos to you. point made. either way, you can stop...

[patti]

Patti says to all the … “J’S” as in … JACKASSES

WTF do you care?? Close your eyes! DON'T read my posts!
GET IT!?
I start my posts that way , so that I AM NEVER mistaken for your crap!
THERE I said it!
Funny? Ummmm it is only funny ... that you don't get it!

When you see "Patti says" .. JUST…SCROLL for god sake! SCROLL!
WTF … IS THE MATTER WITH YOU that you cannot SCROLL?

Here is my e-mail (Patti's e-mail) pbermel@hotmail.com
Have at it.

BTW I have lots of posters and bloggers who have e-mailed me and .. enjoy me and my posts .. so:
Get a life and .. use your will power and then. HOP over my posts.
BTW .. I'd hate you too! Holy SH*T you guys are asses!

_____________________

[Noumenon]

Do I have an unusually sensitive penis? I can't imagine any amount of lube that would make this comfortable.

[Biff]

"...and still have sixty seconds left to describe women."

Well, at least the alien would understand half of the population, then.

[travesti]

My blogs are still new and I agree, you just have to write like someone is reading it.

[JT]

OK, I'll say it...Patti is really annoying-every post. It's so stupid to have a "posting style". Why the fuck would you start every post with a declaration like "Patti says; or Patti shouts!... I guarantee I would hate you in real life.

[WhiteFox]

Well, now the whole town knows why his wife buys those dresses with the red and white checkerboard pattern...

[Chuck]

You forgot the question mark at the end of the dog licking question.

Inexcusable. I stopped reading at that point.

(Rita Mae wins today. And whomever made the duck joke first.)

[ns]

Isn't calling police a bit much? whatever happened to:

dear neighbor,
I have seen you having sex with your table. Stop it. If I catch you again, I will have to report it to police.

Why not just write a note and let the guy know he can be seen? What if the dude didn't know anyone was watching? Wouldn't a little written warning suffice?

I swear. Now this dude's life is ruined for being a weirdo. And his kids lives are ruined too. We all have fetishes or things that we don't want others to know. Should we be all be punished for them? Should all our lives be ruined because of it?

[patti]

Patti to Jeffey:

Ohhhhhh Noooooooooo . And I loved you soooo much!
Guess I'll roll into a ball and die.

BUT? On the other hand..
*** NO I won't!
You DO have free-will, don't you? I announce my posts so ..
just try to .. CLOSE your eyes real tight and do .. the scroll.

[patm]

Maybe Letterman's staff reads your blog... this topic was his top-10 subject Thurs. night. Dave about fell out of his chair as he read the list topic for the night.

Go here to see the "Top Ten Excuses Of The Man Caught Having Sex With A Picnic Table"

http://www.cbs.com/latenight/lateshow/top_ten/index/php/20080403.phtml

[Mark]

Scott, you should add a date/comic-search function to The Official Dilbert Widget.

[pt]

Just the burger please, hold the mayo.

[Rich]

"And that includes his wife who was tired of dressing up as a picnic table every Saturday night."

You win.

[Mike]

I was told of a man who used his lathe in a similar way. The shaft was hollow and with a suitable lubricant...

I also know of someone who used a hole in the ground. He turned out normal later, in fact he was seduced by one of his teachers (Lynda T (or was it B then?), you know who you are). That field has never forgiven him.

What I don't understand is: is he thinking of a sexy babe at the time; or of doing it with two picnic tables; or of watching two female picnic tables getting it on; or of his mother-in-law; or his wife wearing stockings? You see where I'm coming from here...

[Urs]

I can't decide what's wierdest: the tableophiliac, the neighbor who TAPES him or the justice system who puts him on trial...?!?

I seriously doubt the aliens would stay much longer!

[HarryJon]

Oh, come on!
Look at the date - it's April 1st...

[RUBBA]

I think I saw this guy in Walmart last spring shopping for picnic tables when he had the saleswoman standing them all on end.

[Leonel]

He did it with the picnic table?! So that's what happened when he got dumped by the dining room furniture: http://www.commercial-tables.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/widespread2.jpg

[Michael]

Dear Scott,
you will hardly believe this, but I was an exchange student in Bellevue, Ohio (I am from Germany, btw) 15 years ago. During all that time I never once heard the town mentioned in the news etc... And this is the first time.
I laughed so hard, I almost fell to the floor. Imagine knowing the place that all happend, and hearing the story from 6000 miles away.

One last thing, though: Most people I met in Bellevue, Ohio, were not too much into picnic tables.

Great blog post! I love it.

[none]

Make fun of women now. We can handle it.

And by the way as someone with a bizarre fetish I can confirm that what you said about people not being able to choose their strongest impulses is true.

[Andy Coulter]

and have u seen some of the objects women get it on with?
where have u been? under a rock?

aliens......

[ulf]

And America is proud of being a free country? You see normally looking people talk like the Ayatollah! It reminds me of my home country Germany - 70 years ago.

[Real Live Girl]

Furniture fornication. I guess it's true. Some guys WILL hump anything, pulse optional. Next time I go furniture shopping, I'll have to ask for proof the sofa is genuine leather and a virgin. Should be fun.

[Maja Leibovitz]

Kind of puts the term life's a picnic to a whole new level!

Maja Leibovitz

[Eye]

It's not part of a national trend.
He just belongs to a splinter group.

[Bonferronic]

The people in that clip do not have much of a sense of humor, do they?

[bonferronic]

I don't understand why the people in the clip respond so earnestly. "Zero tolerance"? Come on.

[Richard]

The guy didn't look too happy. Stuck in jail when he was on a promise from the table that night.

[NoHumor]

Video was stupid and a total waste of time. Don't bother watching it.

[patti]

Patti shouts!

"GET JER TABLES HERE.. yer tables right
HERE folks.
Any way ya want 'em. I got tables high..and tables low..
I got tables with large holes..and tables with small holes.
I've even got WHALE tables.. pre-set with them thar blow-holes.

I got your kitchen tables, your computer tables and poker tables with plastic drink 'N mix-holes.. I got jer ping pong table ..yer cafeteria table and yer pool table all felt 'round them SIX HOLES!

Yes sireee Bob... I got some tables fer everyman.. and it . makes me to thrill 'N to shudder..
I got whole lotta tables for dads 'N I got tables .... for all a his brothers.

I got massage tables, collage tables and tables that can sway ... I got rockin' tables.. rollin' tables and tables bright and gay.

I got white tables...black tables.... tv tables .. N' tables fer yir corners..
BUT the best damned tables yet.... are big-ass END TABLES.. fer yer porners!

Any way you want it ....any way at all..
I got them there so-called hole-y tables
.. ya can use em in the hall

I got tables used as night stands and tables used in all the day.. I got tables to pick up now.. or you can have em on lay-away!

Just so-as ya know it.. I got some tables with holes for
big umbrellas.. it's a one-size fits-all hole that's just perfect for all you fellas.

Now, don't ya worry your little heart out and don't ya fret none , now .. ya hear?
I got plenty a tables all assembled 'N front . and plenty apart back ...in the rear.

And if you don't wanna pay US to erect it ,
just do it yourself ...hell..thar's nothin to it.
If yer handy with hammer N' nails it's a cinch,
if not ..... why then... you can just screw it!

[unanymous]

Um, while I do find it somewhat disturbing. I personally think if he was doing this in his back yard, the overall reaction and making it a felony is a bit too much. Does this compare to killing, robbing or other things that deserve jail-time?

Btw, check out my new blog that I just started (yes shameless promotion):

http://thedailysong.wordpress.com/

[Nick Prince]

The wife is probably in the backyard using the umbrella to pleasure herself. Does that make it a threesome?

[byoolin]

Assuming he's convicted and serves his sentence I presume he won't be allowed in (or, possibly, to live within 1000 yards of) any city parks, IKEA stores or pine forests.

[D. Mented]

With references to "getting a woodie", "nailing the furniture" and suchlike, all that's left for me is to go to a related subject...
You missed an article further down the page with the subject line: " A survey of sex therapists concludes the optimum time for sexual intercurse is three to thirteen minutes. Without having any need to read this article, I am certain of one thing; Every one of these sex therapists is male.
Possibly all college age or younger. This goes right alongside the assertions (later admitted to be pranks) that saliva prevents breast cancer and that giving oral sex to men prevents PMS and heart disease.
D. Mented

[jeff]

patti, at the risk of speaking on behalf of many, i really believe you are the only one who might find your posts interesting.....

[Jack]

I'm a little disappointed - I originally heard that the incident took place inside Ikea.

[mr tom]

If I was the neighbour I'd have found an even quicker solution. I'd have posted it to his facebook entry, to youtube and sent it to his work colleagues.

[Jim]

Oh crap! Now some crackpot looser with a psychology degree is going to get a grant from the government to make a 5 year study on how widespread the condition of tablephelia is. More ways to spend our tax dollars.

[John Reedy]

I like the interview with the boy who says: "This man can't be let out, or he'll do it again" ...obviously inferring that picnic tables all around town are at great risk.

http://awritersblock.com

[ShirtBloke]

Somebody should have introduced him to Henry the Hoover.

[Canadian Cousin]

What do you say to one of the children when they ask: Daddy is that stool my brother?

[Dio]

As strange as this is, I would still like to see this video.

[Bloodboiler]

I hope that rampant autoerotic asphyxiation while at work gets similarly discouraged some day. Just look at that policeman's shirt collar. No sane person would limit blood flow in and out of his brain like that, unless driven by some strange impulse or society.

I've always found it strange that so called blue collar workers get to wear job specific, highly functional and ergonomic clothes, while male knowledge workers have to wear ties and shirts that prevent blood flow to the brain.

[Noon]

Hey Scott,

I'm pretty sure you're thinking of ducks, 'cos dogs don't have bills.

[Suzanne]

OMG! Now I know why my husband keeps asking me to hold an umbrella during forepaly!

[Kevin]

In the video, I found the zoom in from the fence to the porch interesting, since they did the zoom at the same time as they talked about the school. But they never showed the school. Hmmm. My BS detector is going off. Why would they not do a better job establishing the fence was in fact the school's fence? Perhaps a certain devious, portly documentary film maker has something to do with it (:

[WATYF]

taylor said: "The guy has three school aged children.... As a former child, I can't even imagine..."

I find it most amusing that you felt it necessary to point out that you were once a child. :o)

.

[Mike]

I hope he used a condiment...

[Chris]

I want to see this table.

[Steve C]

I'm sensing an untapped market opportunity!!

Introducing "Fuckable Furniture", featuring the "Couch Cooch", the "Humping Hammock", and our bestselling "Loooooove Seat"...

[LA Clay]

Me personally, I use discarded tires from a Fiat. Talk about re-tread!

[patti]

Patti remembers.. And wonders:
Last week I heard some moaning outside.

Now I was sort-of puzzled since I did NOT see anyone outside except for the man across the yard who was squirming on his picnic table. I had noticed that the picnic table was pretty well worn and had some holes in it.
I considered it, a piece of junk... and I attributed his rockin' and rollin' to ants in his pants and felt sorry for him ..
So, I did NOT keep watching.
However, just a little bit later, I did notice another man visiting with the first .. and he began mounting that picnic table too.
WELLLlll, THIS intrigued me. Both men, together, squirming away.
Geesh, I figured he was there to help the first guy...and somehow had also gotten ants .....in HIS pants.
Finally, I heard a growing commotion and figured that something odd was going on over there.
So?? I decided to go over and take a look.
I walked up ever so quietly and slowly and .. sneakily looked ....UNDER … the table.
WELLlll, I never saw any ants.... For sure… but, the poor guys were fighting-off some horrible lookin' things... that had a hold of them but good.
Two things… quite wiggly and long were protruding from under that table and had somehow attached themselves to both men.
In shock, I immediately grabbed my nifty grass shears and gave a healthy quick-clip to them.
To make a long story...short...
There was a terrible fuss when firemen and ambulances arrived. There stood the two men. Pants down and holding their privates for dear life. and I noticed the remaining men were looking under the table for those two squiggily wiggily's.

Being a lady, I hurriedly left (knowing I had helped-out) Later on, I noticed that the firemen had returned and were now working "undercover" in that back yard. I was amazed at their determination to catch the wiggly culprits.
AND? I was proud to see ..those men attempt to attract them by using the SAME METHOD as the first two men. I marveled as each dedicated firemen climbed atop that dirty picnic table and laid down... just a squirmin' and a hollerin'.
In the end, I realized that they hadn't caught the dirty little buggers after all.
Because... TODAY, there has been a steady stream of men lined up.. just a waitin' for his chance... to mount that picinc table .. and .... firmly squirm.

[Yuriy]

"And that includes his wife who was tired of dressing up as a picnic table every Saturday night."

Hahaha, funniest thing I've read today!

[BoscoH]

Scott, Dogs don't have bills. Perhaps you were talking about ducks?

[E]

Scott,

The aliens are looking for random things to hump as well.

[james wilson]

was it a knotty pine table?

[wickedwitch]

Have to agree with Blindhorizon, if i followed my strongest impulses, Interstate 64 would be a mass grave. This guy obviously had more than one screw loose. He wasn't just following his impulse, he was probably listening to the next door neighbors' mailbox and following its' directions.

[Adam Reynolds]

Jim, why does a dog lick his bells?

[Smegmata]

Sorry but you only gave one answer to the "Why does a dog lick his balls?" joke... The other one (better IMHO) is, "Because he can't make a fist."

[jeff]

Raskolnikov wrote:

"Will the table be eligible for conjugal visits?"

LOLROF!!!!!!

[DF]

I would hope that the neighbors tried calling the police a few times and were frustrated before resorting to video taping the man and his intimate time with the picnic table. Maybe the neighbors didn't get upset until he started using their picnic table...

[JJ]

This gives *getting a woody* a whole new meaning.

[Lise]

Can you describe women in sixty seconds?

[Cynderblock]

jim says:

"Q: Why does a dog lick his b*lls.

Really?! You're trying to protect us on this one? I've seen you write fuck in some of your posts, and we have to substitute our own "e" in the above question?"

Um, balls is spelled with an "a" not an "e". If you're going to try to be amusing, at least proof read what you say.

[rita mae]

Get a shed and get it over with.

Gosh, you fuck a picnic table a couple of times and that's all the neighbors talk about. I think the table was probably asking for it. You know how they are. Sitting out on the porch all perky and waiting for a snack.

Kidding aside, his three school age kids are in for a sad existence now. Where was his wife when this was happening? It was around noon sometime. Why wasn't she taking care of her business around the house and he wouldn't be eyeing the table. The knot hole in our elm tree in the back yard sometimes might look good to the ex-Marine, but he's no tree tickler or table titillater. Don't find him out on the deck nailing the furniture. No, sir. Not him. Never. Gotta go now. Must call home. I'm at work and he's at home. (He's retired you know. I must see how long it takes him to answer the phone and if he is panting.)

Thanks for putting these thoughts in my head. Wish I could take my brain out and run it under the faucet like a sponge and then squeeze all your provocative posts out of it.

Later..........must call home.

ET (usually Rita Mae)

[Bruce Harrison]

I'd love to hear his story. Can you imagine trying to rationalize something like this?

"Well, I was doing it to punish my wife. Every time she turned me down for sex, I went out and screwed the picnic table. That showed her!"

"It was either that or the family dog, and he bites."

"I actually was in love with the umbrella. This was my way of getting back at it for turning me down."

"I had this rash, see, and what I did was put Lotrimin around the hole. . ."

"So, what, you're telling me you've never been attracted to a picnic table?"

I mean, this guy is going to be the hit of any party where he'd get invited, if just for the comic relief. Not only that, can you imagine the fun people would have talking about him before he arrived?

"Joe's coming over! Hide the patio furniture!"

"Hey, let's ask Joe how the wife, kids and table are doing."

"Maybe he used the table because he can't bend his fingers."

I'll tell you, this one is going to have legs. All three of them.

[sharmila]

hey, are you sure its not an april fools' joke???

[jerry w.]

Q: Why does a dog lick his b*lls.

A: Because he can.

Alternate answer:

A+: Because a dog can't make a fist with his paw (or his Ma, it seems).

http://boskolives.wordpress.com/

[jim]

Q: Why does a dog lick his b*lls.

Really?! You're trying to protect us on this one? I've seen you write fuck in some of your posts, and we have to substitute our own "e" in the above question?

[Tim Hall]

In Victorian Britain, middle-class households were prone to covering table-legs with material, for reasons of modesty. Maybe they were on to something?

BTW - while passing a store window on the way to work yesterday,I happened to notice an especially petite and attractive fold-up camping chair that appeared to be unattached to any other furniture on offer? If it would like to get in touch with me at this email address, I'd like to take our relationship to the next step - maybe dinner at Quaglino's or a basketball game?

[Blindhorizon]

What I don’t get is it, took four different occasions of him fornicating with a table in the front yard before the neighbors called the police. And video taping it that to me says the neighbors might have some problems of their own.

[Leslie]

That seems as though it would hurt to me. I feel awfully sorry for his family. I think once it all blew over, I'd do my best to move.

Incidentally, I don't think everyone follows their strongest impulses. If everyone did, I'm not sure there'd be a human race left.

[taylor]

The guy has three school aged children.... As a former child, I can't even imagine the floodgates that are opening up on these poor bastards. From either side. What, if you're a bully, are you saying to taunt these kids? I think stunned silence and staring would be the largest order of the day, and within 2 weeks those kids are going to need to switch schools, states, hair styles and probably names.

[Mark Thorson]

This is obviously a design
flaw in the table. If the
hole had been square, this
never would have happened.
The victim would not have
been tempted by the table.

Speaking on behalf of my
clients, the victims of
picnic table seduction, we
will be suing all of the
manufacturers of defective
picnic tables. Nothing short
of a massive judgement will
get their attention and stop
them from producing these
pornographic round-hole
tables.

[Sondra]

This is what I would tell the aliens about America (I think this quote by Howard Stern describes our society and it's hypocrisy beautifully)

The rule is: Don't say anything that is 'patently indecent' or offensive to your community. Well, I live in a community where priests rape young boys, where you get shot in your car, where angry black mobs stab Hasidic Jews, and the mayor turns his back, where crack runs free like the River Ganges, and where movie directors fuck their wives' daughters. NOW YOU TELL ME WHAT I SHOULD TALK ABOUT ON THE RADIO!

If the guy having sex with the table were doing so in public, that would be a concern. The neighbor who is spying on him is the one I'd keep an eye on.

[Sondra]

From The FIRST LINE of the article:

...lewd behavior on a deck BEHIND HIS HOUSE ...

[dsg]

Hi Scott,

I heard this story the other day on the 5 o'clock news and wondered if it would show up here. I like your point about people following their strongest impulses. That is pretty much all you would have to say to the alien about human beings. Covers both men and women, and explains why some men end up with picnic tables.

Just following my impulse to read your blog,
dsg

[Jeny]

Scott,
I think the picnic table WAS stored on the deck behind the house... just his bad luck that there was also an elementary school back there... or could at least look over the fence. He needs a shed behind the house.

[JD]

Come on, Scott; you're allowed to write "balls" in blogs.

[HALiverpool]

Damn nosy neighbors; why are they video taping the guy? They should just walk over and say "Hey, could you take that inside?" What's with all the OMIGOD! he has children? As long as his kids don't look like picnic tables, they should be fine.

Seriously, almost all of us have our perversions. Some of us act on them and some of us don't, but almost all of us keep it private. This guy's biggest problem is not the thing for picnic tables, it's the exhibitionism.

-HAL

[patti]

Patti says:

Okay .. enough.
I have been a male watcher for a long time. I always wondered why they love to hammer and... DRILL!
NOW? I know why.
I have noticed that many a man enjoys making holes everywhere.

"Honey, what are you doing?"...

"Oh, I am practicing hole-drilling with my brand new drill"

..."Hole drilling?"

.."Ummm yes. I am making discreet holes in our picnic table, our deck and a few walls for ...Ummmm practice"

..... "Oh..gee, That explains it. Now I know why I find SMALL holes everywhere!"

.. "SMALL????? Did you say ..'SMALL?" .. EXCUSE ME, but.. you don't have to get, .....Personal!"

.. "Personal? What's with you, anyway! You act like you've got a splinter up your AS$"
.....

** I believe that every-man should have his own picnic if he'd like. A "swiss cheese..picnic for one". I only ask, that all you ladies buy your man.. a picnic-table-cloth for his birthday. I don't need to see his constant drillings!

[ew!]

no splinter worries? (shudder)

[Slap D. Monkey]

What to say about this . . .

Living with him would be no picnic.

This gives a whole new meaning to "tabling" a discussion.

Do not eat mayonaise at this guy's next picnic!!

I wonder if his kitchen table gets jealous?

This might make Yogi Bear rethink his food sourcing strategy.

[rob kay]

You can explain women in 60 seconds? My hat is off to you.

[Raskolnikov]

Will the table be eligible for conjugal visits?

[Billy Arvia]

Scott,

I think Robin Williams said it best when he said, “God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time."

http://triplebee.squarespace.com/

[HannahsDad]

Why do American cops always look like that? And how? And is it really just donut retention?

Perhaps we overestimate our alien cousins - maybe they're only travelling around the universe looking for likely holes to fill, having humped all of their own garden furniture. In which case, here in Geneva, we should establish an alien welcoming committee for some time during this summer. I won't be naming a date just yet.

Kaboooom!

[Diana W]

If I was the wife, I'd invite a few fire ants to his picnic - I'm sure that would break the compulsion.