The Dilbert Blog

Asses and Free Will

It’s hard to please my readers. Some of you want more naughtiness in the service of humor, and some of you want more of my brain stimulating thought experiments. Rarely do I get an opportunity to combine ass-related content with the topic of free will. Today is special.

Recently, to my complete surprise, I got away with publishing this comic:

But my syndication company, United Media, balked at this next one and sent me back to the drawing board because it was too explicit.

I resubmitted it with the most explicit part of the third panel clipped off. That strategy worked. The comic ran and no one complained, as far as I know.

This is a perfect segue into the topic of free will, in the sense that I’m an ass who can’t stop himself from publishing the following link. It describes some experiments that a-a-a-almost completely prove that free will is an illusion.

http://www.ft.com/cms/s/81bc32e4-d5e3-11db-99b7-000b5df10621.html

What amused me most about the article is that the best argument it cites in favor of free will comes from philosopher John Searle. From the article:

“He is puzzled by why, if we have no free will, we have this peculiar conscious experience of decision-making. If, as neuroscience currently suggests, it is purely an illusion, then ‘evolution played a massive trick on us.’ But this ‘goes against everything we know about evolution. The processes of conscious rationality are such an important part of our lives, and above all such a biologically expensive part of our lives’ that it seems impossible they ”play no functional role at all in the life and survival of the organism”.

Is it my imagination, or is that the worst argument ever?

[Update: The illusion of free will helps make us happy. Otherwise, consciousness would feel like a prison. Happiness in turn improves the body's immune response. What more do you need from evolution? -- Scott]

April Fools Jokes

Sunday is April Fools Day. It’s time to scheme. I’ll tell you some of my favorite pranks. You tell me yours. There’s a good chance we’ll all get something new we can use. (Too bad it falls on Sunday this year. Maybe you can get some ideas for next year.)

A classic prank for the workplace involves the fake e-mail notice announcing that the phone company needs to clean the built-up dust out of the phone lines. Your e-mail should tell people to unplug their phones because a burst of concentrated air will be sent through the phone lines at a certain time, and if the phone is not unplugged, the cubicle will fill with dust.

One of the best practical jokes ever played on me took me years to figure out. I still don’t know who did it, but it was a beauty. It won’t work if your victim has caller ID, unless maybe you block your number. It works like this: Find someone who has two phones – say a work phone and a home phone. Pick a time when you know the target is near one of the phones and no one will answer the other. Call the phone that won’t be answered, then use three-way calling to call the phone that will be answered. When the target answers, say nothing but connect the three-way call. He’ll hear his own answering machine at home telling him to leave a message. Trust me when I say this will freak a person out. It took me about five years to figure out how my home answering machine called me at the office.

I haven’t seen this prank done, but I think it would work if you have a secretary who is unusually clueless about technology. Tell the secretary that some other department is out of copier paper and ask him/her to fax some blank pages, just enough to hold them until their paper shipment comes in.

Send a department-wide e-mail telling people that a once-in-a-century alignment of Pluto and Venus will cause gravity on earth to be 20% less for about five minutes starting at 9:47 AM. Suggest that people test the phenomenon by jumping straight up and down at that time. I stole this idea from here:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20070329/od_afp/lifestyleaprilfoolmediaholidayoffbeat;_ylt=AoTVC4N.0t6cqXq9w25MVBkDW7oF

When I left my first job at a large bank, personal computers were so new that there was only one in the entire department. Everyone shared it. I was the only person who knew much about how computers worked. Before I left for another company, I wrote a program in Basic that started whenever the computer was booted. It offered a multiple choice test that had to be answered before the user could continue. The question was something like:

Scott Adams is a wonderful human being because of his…

a. Sex appeal
b. Gigantic brain
c. All of the above

It didn’t matter what the user picked. All answers worked. But the computer couldn’t be used until the quiz was completed. I heard later that no one ever figured out how to remove it, and the question was dutifully answered every morning when the computer was booted.

I heard this prank that happened in a typing class. (Or keyboarding class if you prefer.) The prankster switched keyboards with his victim and when she tried typing, he would type messages to her screen as if her computer was a sentient being. Apparently she started asking it for advice, thinking it might be God. This prank would work even better with a wireless keyboard. You could control your co-worker’s computer from across the next cube.

What’s your best prank?

The Boner Theory of Economics

The Boner Theory of Economics states that a man will accept $1 per hour less pay if he is guaranteed a boner on the job. Stated mathematically…

$1/hour = 1 boner

We can test the validity of this theory by seeing how well it predicts behavior.  For example, the Boner Theory of Economics predicts that eventually all shoe salespeople jobs will be filled by men with foot fetishes. The only reason it’s not completely true already is that the managers filling those jobs haven’t realized they are overpaying. I wonder how many interviews have gone like this:

Manager: “The job involves kneeling in front of women and touching their feet. Are you okay with that?”

Applicant: “Um…er…yes.”

Manager: “The pay is $10 per hour.”

Applicant: “I can only afford to pay you $8 per hour.”

Manager: “We pay you. You don’t pay us.”

Applicant: “Can we start over with the negotiating?”

The Boner Theory of Economics also predicts that in the long run – perhaps in a few hundred years – the military will be 100% gay men. This is the best case scenario for taxpayers because it will keep down costs, and recruiting will be easy.

Recruiter: “We can’t afford to give you body armor, but you’ll be surrounded by young, vital men who are a long way from home. Would you like a tour of the showers?”

Recruit: “Yes, but I can’t stand up right away.”

During the transition to the future all-gay armed forces, things will be awkward for the career soldiers who are hanging in there for a pension. You’ll hear this sort of exchange when they finally retire:

Soldier: “I was deployed in the desert for three years.”

Friend: “Are you gay?”

Soldier: “No, but thank goodness the guy who shared my tent was.”

What’s Your Permanent Age?

Here’s a fun question to ask people after a few drinks: What’s your permanent age?

I’ve observed that everyone has a permanent age that appears to be set at birth. For example, I’ve always been 42-years old. I was ill-suited for being a little kid, and didn’t enjoy most kid activities. By first grade I knew I wanted to be an adult, with an established career, car, house and a decent tennis game. I didn’t care for my awkward and unsettled twenties. And I’m not looking forward to the rocking chair. If I could be one age forever, it would be 42.

When I ask people about their permanent age, they usually beg it off by saying they don’t have one. But if you press, you always get an answer. And the age they pick won’t surprise you. Some people are kids all their lives. They will admit they are 12-years old. Other people have always had senior citizen interests and perspectives. If you’re 30-years old in nominal terms, but you love bingo and you think kids should stop wearing those big baggy pants and listening to hip-hop music, your permanent age might be 60.

Another way to divide people is by asking if they live in the present or the future. I live in the future. I don’t dwell on the past. I’m always thinking about what’s next. When I sit down for a movie – no matter how much I expect to like it – I always look at my watch and imagine it being over. My mood is mostly determined by my expectations of how tomorrow will be. This works for me because I’m an optimist, and the future can’t disappoint me in the present.

Other people live in the moment. If today isn’t just right, they believe today is a bad day. Tomorrow is too far away to influence how they feel today. That’s a good point of view as long as today is going well.

Some people are locked in the past; it sneaks into all of their conversations and colors their perceptions more than it should. They spend their lives either consciously or unconsciously trying to turn the future into the past. They tend to be unhappy.

So what age are you? And do you live in the past, present or future?

Happiness Formula Wiki

A helpful reader of The Dilbert Blog set up a wiki for The Happiness Formula I recently talked about.

http://happinessformula.pbwiki.com/

The password to edit it is "happy." Have at it. If you’re not familiar with the wiki concept, it allows anyone to edit the information. So if you know a lot about, for example, a good diet, you could contribute what you know to that branch of the tree. Please stick to information that has some basis in science.

One Dilbert Blog reader noted that current research shows that happiness causes success more than success causes happiness. That makes sense to me. There’s plenty of research about people having a baseline of happiness that doesn’t vary much with circumstances. And given that happy people are typically optimistic, energetic, and fun to work with, I can see how happiness would lead to success.

My experience has been that circumstances in my life will move me about 10% in either direction from my baseline of happiness. That can be the difference between happy and unhappy. On any given day, the swing might be much greater, but I always revert to the baseline – give or take 10% – once the unusual good or bad luck passes.

I think it’s fair to say that the Happiness Formula describes a way to get you to your own best happiness potential. I know people who are giggle-happy all day long, and I’m sure that’s beyond my genetic happiness potential.

Many of you pointed out that Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs is similar to the Happiness Formula. There’s a big overlap, but happiness is different from needs, and the Happiness Formula is more of a practical map.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs

One of the great things about my job is that I never know when I might wake up and be part of something that changes the world. I doubt the Happiness Formula wiki will change the world, but you have to admit that it has the potential to change some individuals.

That’s why today is a good day.

Big Trouble

The NY Times has an interesting article about translating the Koran. Apparently the literal word of God contains lots of words with multiple meanings. A good example is Chapter 4, Verse 34. According to the NY Times, “The verse says that a rebellious woman should first be admonished, then abandoned in bed, and ultimately “beaten” — the most common translation for the Arabic word “daraba” — unless her behavior improves.”

What about those other translations for “daraba”?

The story explains “There are at least 20 English translations of the Koran. “Daraba” has been translated as beat, hit, strike, scourge, chastise, flog, make an example of, spank, pet, tap and even seduce.”

You can see the big problem here: A good number of wives might enjoy being spanked, petted, tapped and even seduced. If any of those last four definitions are the ones Allah intended, it means big trouble for Muslim men. You’re going to get a lot of this:

Wife: “Hey, Abdul, I spray painted the Star of David on your Mercedes because I’m rebellious! Now God says you have to seduce me! I like chocolate!”

I think we can all agree that the funniest translation of “daraba” is tap. I can imagine the conversation between a Muslim man and his spiritual leaders:

Man “My wife gave away my golf clubs. What should I do?”

Spiritual Leader: “Dude, you gotta go home and tap that.”

After reading about the Koran’s multiple translation problems, I started wondering if the Islamic terrorists might be misinterpreting the Koran. Perhaps the holy book doesn’t say to kill the infidels at all. Perhaps the Arab word for kill has lots of other interpretations including idolize, adore, wax their backs, fellate, and sell oil below cost. Maybe the terrorists just picked the easiest one.

This gives me a good idea on how to stop terrorism. All we have to do is print about 10 billion Korans with one or two words about the infidels altered, list some famous Islamic scholar as the publisher, assassinate him so he can’t talk, and give away the books for free. It will take a while for anyone to notice the few altered words and get the word out. By then it will be too late. The altered Korans will outnumber the correct ones, and in time the more common interpretation will seem right. In this future world, the biggest complaint that infidels will have about Islamic terrorists will be “He was nice, but his beard tickled, if you know what I mean.”

Here’s a link to the NY Times article:

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/03/25/us/25koran.html

The Meaning of Meaning

Many of you read my previous post on the Happiness Formula and asked why “meaning” was the lowest priority. Others asked about the definition of meaning. I bring you answers.

Priority-wise, it simply makes sense to take care of yourself before you start searching for a higher meaning. You aren’t much good to anyone else if you’re unhealthy, a financial burden, or an emotional basket case. Fix yourself before you turn outward. It’s best for everyone.

So what does “meaning” mean?

When you serve a purpose larger than yourself, you experience the sensation of having meaning. There are plenty of larger purposes from which to choose: You can save the whales, feed the poor, shelter the homeless, march for peace, serve your notion of God, whatever. The details don’t matter.

If your reaction to my explanation of larger purposes was “none of that sounds interesting to me,” then you haven’t finished fixing yourself. When you do, you will automatically look outward. It’s how humans are wired. We survive because, on average, the people who manage to satisfy their personal needs are changed by it. They become seekers of meaning. They ask, “What’s next?”

I remember when Dilbert hit it big and it became clear that I would never again have to worry about money. It was a wonderful feeling, but it didn’t last. I went from happy to hollow with no warning. The first moment that I could afford any car I wanted, I lost interest in having a nice car. I simply couldn’t see the point, if there ever was one. Success is surprisingly disorienting.

One day, about ten years ago, I was alone in my office, sitting on the couch and reflecting on the fact that I had managed to become rich and famous in my dream job. For the first time in my life, I had no goals. And for a goal-oriented guy, that’s an empty feeling. Success was supposed to feel good and stay that way. But it tricked me. There was a huge hole in my soul. I sat in my office and sobbed.

Then the change happened. It wasn’t something I thought about. It wasn’t an indication that I am a good person or a bad person. It was just some sort of chemical reaction in my moist robot head. It was natural.

I turned outward.

And in so doing, bit by bit, I found meaning. I found ways to use my success to make the world a little bit better. It’s surprising how often the opportunity comes up. It ranges from personal favors to investment decisions to my choices to continue making a comic and a blog post for you every day.

I start work before most of you wake up because I’m a part of something larger than myself, and it feels good. I don’t work because I want more money. I work because it makes you happy, and that gives me meaning. And the extra money I make can be used to make other people happy too.

I measure my success by how many people would attend my funeral if I died tomorrow. I try to make sure that number grows every year. It’s a theoretical number, since I’m very healthy and plan to outlive all of you. But it’s the best measurement I can think of.

Don’t worry if you aren’t ready to serve a higher purpose. Fix yourself first. We’ll wait for you. You’ll know you’re ready when serving the higher purpose seems easier than not.

Happiness Formula

I fantasize about writing a book called The Happiness Formula. The idea would be to create a simple formula for troubleshooting your life and improving your happiness. On page one would be this top formula.

Happiness = health + money + social life + meaning

The rest of the book would be nested formulas that further explain each component of happiness. For example…

Health = sleep + diet + exercise

And then down another level…

Sleep = schedule + technique

And down another level until it starts getting practical…

Sleep Technique  = consistent bedtime and waking time + no reading or TV in bed + no booze or caffeine…

And so on.

To make the Happiness Formulas extra useful, the highest priorities would appear first (leftmost) in the formula. For example, in the top Happiness Formula (Happiness = health + money + social life + meaning), health is a higher priority than money, which is a higher priority than social life, etc.

I realize you’ll argue with my ranking of priorities and point out all the exceptions. For example, if you have no money, you can’t afford to be healthy. But the formula only shows priorities, not absolutes. Obviously you always need a source of money, but the priority list shows that you shouldn’t take a job with high pay that will significantly affect your health. It makes more sense to get healthy and then leverage your health to get the best job. (Healthy looking people land better jobs and are more highly paid. Their brains work better too, and they have more energy.)

I rank money higher than social life or meaning because once you have money, those other things are easier to get. For example, you won’t have much of a social life if you can’t afford to do anything. And you can’t make money if your health is a mess.

You might wonder how something like “money” can be broken down into a formula so easily that someone could just follow it to get more. I think it can be done.

Money = Income + investments

Investments = (See my 9-point investment plan below that has been endorsed by economists.)

Scott’s 9-Point Investment Plan

Do these steps in the order shown…
1. Make a will

2. Pay off your credit cards

3. Get term life insurance if you have a family to support

4. Fund your 401k to the maximum

5. Fund your IRA to the maximum

6. Buy a house if you want to live in a house and can afford it

7. Put six months worth of expenses in a money-market account

8. Take whatever money is left over and invest 70% in a stock index fund and 30% in a bond fund through any discount broker and never touch it until retirement

9. If any of this confuses you, or you have something special going on (retirement, college planning, tax issues), hire a fee-based financial planner, not one who charges a percentage of your portfolio

Part of the reason I don’t turn The Happiness Formula into a book is that it would only be about 20 pages long. Its power is in its brevity, and brevity is not rewarded in our economy. If the best book in the world was only 20 pages long, no one would buy it. They’d stand in Borders and read it cover to cover.

So I won’t be writing that book. Maybe it needs to be a wiki project.

Oh Deer

Did you hear about the Wisconsin man who is charged with having sex with a dead deer that he found in a ditch?

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/1122061deer1.html

His defense was that the deer was already dead, so it wasn’t technically an “animal” when the sex happened. The judge disagreed and ruled that a dead deer is still an animal.

This decision sets a dangerous precedent. By the judge’s reasoning, any guy who gets aroused while wearing leather pants has – in the strictest legal terms – his wiener in a cow.

The story doesn’t mention if the dead dear was male or female. That’s important because I want to know if the perpetrator was gay. Without that information, I don’t know how fascinated I should be.

And lord help me, I can’t stop wondering what specific kind of sex he had. Did he arrange the deer in missionary position – which is the way I prefer to imagine it – or was he just getting a little antler? Was he whispering sweet nothings, or was he having angry sex and yelling something along the lines of “I…TOLD…YOU…TO…STAY…OUT…OF…THE…ROAD!!!!”

The story doesn’t mention if the perpetrator tapped the deer where he found it in the ditch or if he dragged it home and put lipstick on it first. My guess is that he got busy right in the ditch, based on three facts:

1. Deer are heavy.

2. He got caught.

3. If a man is horny enough to fornicate with a dead deer, he’s probably too horny to wait until he gets it home.

I’m trying to picture the cop arriving on the scene. The deer-humper looks up from the ditch, sees the cop looking down at him, and asks himself this question: “Is there any point in stopping?” It seems to me that the legal punishment for man-on-deer sex would be exactly the same whether you finish or not. I picture him holding up two fingers and saying to the cop, “Just two minutes. Almost done.”

The cop wouldn’t mind waiting. He’d be busy covering his entire body and the back seat of his cruiser with plastic gloves before he handcuffed the guy.

I also wonder what the cop was thinking. If I were the cop, I’d be worrying that this would be the exact time I had a coincidental heart attack, rolled into the ditch, and became part of this guy’s threesome. This is why people like me do not become cops. I worry about all the wrong things.

Some people might say this was a victimless crime, but I think that depends on whether the perpetrator has recently broken up with a girlfriend. If so, I would say she’s not too happy about this development. It’s one thing to lose your guy to a cheerleader, but it really has to sting when you lose your guy to road kill. How did he break it to her? “It’s not you, baby, it’s me…and a carcass I noticed on route 9.”

Anyway, the moral of this story – and there is one – is that if you ever see a dead deer in a ditch, and you are aroused by it, your best strategy is to pass the buck.

Or get a windowless van.

Excellent New Product for Men

If you’re a guy, you’ve probably heard way too many times a variation of this not-really-a-question: “Could you hold my purse?”

As you know, there is no way to hold a purse in a manly fashion. After sixty seconds of transporting a designer bag full of Tampons and lipstick, your testosterone will be so low that you’ll be playing field hockey and lactating.

You can try holding the purse in a manly, irregular fashion, but it won’t help. It’s still a purse. And you’re holding it. You big wuss. Say goodbye to your gonads; they’ll be hiding in your torso like two BBs in an airplane hangar.

That’s why I invented the PursePliers ™. They are exactly like regular pliers, but you carry them in your back pocket in all times in case you are asked to hold a woman’s purse. When you hear the call, “Honey, would you grab my purse?” you whip out the pliers and use them to safely transport the purse and its wuss cooties.

The recommended way to lift a purse with pliers is by grabbing the zipper and holding it the way you would hold fresh road kill, at a safe distance from your body, just in case it’s not totally dead. Research has shown that wuss cooties can not cross pliers.

While there is no manly way to touch a purse with your bare hands, there is no unmanly way to use pliers. Your PursePliers can be used in a variety of situations, including shopping for a blouse for your wife, passing the low-calorie salad dressing, and tucking in a baby.

PursePliers: Their time is now.