May 2008

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"Dead cows and fried stuff"...mmmm...and head to "cold beer and sleazy women" for fun and finish the night up in the wee hours at "crappy breakfast food."


jerry wolfe

Actual dialog from a "Subway" restaurant stop for lunch,
between ME and a Moist Robot (MR). And yes, I know that
MR also stands for Mentally Retarded, some sort of cosmic
connection might be involved there:

ME: I'd like a 6" Tuna with only onions on a wheat roll please.
MR: You want vinegar and oil on that?
ME: Nope, only onions.
MR: Pickles?
ME: Only onions.
MR: Salt?
ME: Tuna and Onions, that's all.
MR: Cheese?

And then the MR said "O.K., I heard you", and then put cheese on
the sandwich anyway.

This is when I began to understand how Darwin's theory is blocked
by gun control laws, allowing certain people to stay in the gene
pool and breed long after they should have been removed. I think
in Texas "He needed killing" is a valid defense in court.

O.K., which is the greater cause of heart attacks, fat laden foods or
(somewhat) healthy meals that are accompanied with stress?



Read THIS - THIS is what happens when someone decides to go get a "healthy" lunch. Guy goes out to have a healthy sandwich at a Subway (next to a McDonald's by the way) and gets killed as a car tries to make Subway a "drive through."

As one never knows what will happen, sometimes I'll opt ofr the Dead Cows and Fried Stuff. However, I think I'll avoid the window seat.,1,624436.story?track=rss

Christopher Bruce

You know, every time I read one of your particularly funny postings--this one shot Diet Coke out of my nose--I have a fairly crass, commercial thought: how much good material you're giving away for free. Your blog postings, like the introductions to your books, are at least as funny as anything that Dave Barry has ever written. I hope it's at least occurred to you to compile them in book form. I'd buy it and not feel guilty about getting all of these laughs for free. (This is a big deal for me, because I tell a lot of your jokes and anecdotes to women but pass them off as my own.)



the Houston airport you say? I'll make sure to stop at Dead Cows and Fried stuff next time i'm there :)

D. Mented

Mmmmmmmmmmm...Dead cows and fried stuff!
My tenth grade science teacher warned us that the (then new) chloesterol scare was exaggerated...If you don't have a cholesterol problem, eating meat and eggs won't give you one.It's not a bad idea to get checked regularly, but if you don't have high cholesterol, you don't need a low cholesterol diet.
The American Heart Association raged and screamed about cholesterol; "eating eggs is just like putting a gun to your head and pulling the trigger! Avocadoes? Suicide! Don't eat red meat! Don't eat anything! Okay, you can have a bran muffin, but only if there's 'Eggbeaters' cholesterol free egg product in it!"
I went on eating eggs, avocadoes, red meat, and anything else I felt like - without any cholesterol problems.Then came the retractions...
Avocadoes have the good cholesterol. It's okay to eat them. Eggs, too - and so on. Finally, the American Heart Association actually surprised me.
In a half-inch of one newspaper column, they admitted that the cholesterol scare was blown out of proportion deliberately; they had just invested in a company that made cholesterol free egg products, and they wanted the stock to rise...It's a good idea to get your cholesterol checked regularly, but if you don't have high cholesterol, you don't need a low cholesterol diet...Just like my teacher said.
Then they came out with the salt scare.
Any bets on how many companies that made low-sodium versions of popular snack foods they had just invested in?
D. Mented (still low in cholesterol and likely to stay that way...I have the good cholesterol genes)


Near my house when I was young, there was a block of shops adjoining a service station - the entire complex being built and named in honour of local hero, the late Formula One champion Bruce McLaren.

Anyway, one of the shops was an excellent takeaway, which of course did a roaring trade in grease disguised as food. They always gave you more than you'd ordered and paid for. Or maybe that was just me, because I went to school with the owners' son.

Night shift ambulance personnel would frequently be seen parked outside. To passersby it probably made a very unfortunate "we better not eat THERE!" sight, but locals knew it was just the closest eatery to the ambulance station and they'd only stopped in to get some deep-fried lard. They probably used their defibrilators on each other afterward.

Later the whole lot was bulldozed and replaced with a sterile Caltex station... with a booze shop and Wendy's (the burger chain, not the icecream chain) attached.


Coincidentally, on the way home tonight I was wondering if it would be easier to also drink yourself to death if you were going to eat whatever you wanted all your life, because dying of a bad liver would probably be easier than a heart attack. I'm not sure I eat that bad, I could just eat better.


Here in Denver I saw a "Cat Hospital" right next to a Chinese food restaurant. I wonder who was there first, and who made the huge mistake. (For Denverites, it was in Lone Tree.)


you were in houston?
you should have stopped by the fabric store I work at to have a chat.
Ah well.
Maybe when I become president, we can meet.

evden eve nakliyat

Yup, I’ve seen those heat maps and they’re fun to look at. I’ve wondered how the data gets stored though; there’s a trade-off of granularity of the data vs. storage space..


I find it amusing that you post about luck on St Patrick's Day...


Whoa... There needs to be some visual aids on those heart defribrilators. I don't think anyone would appreciate having been zapped in the wrong area.


If people have no free will, surely all talk of luck is irrelivant?


Scott, speaking as a representative for Texans, do you think something like a heart defibrillator would be enough to motivate us into eating healthier? I mean, when you order a steak at the Texas Land and Cattle Steakhouse, the menu lists "two cheese enchiladas" as one of the side-dish choices. They're not even trying to help us eat responsibly.

The Subway is in Houston International for the non-Texans. We view that defibrillator on the wall as an amenity of the restaurant. If it was possible to order a dish with "extra fat," we probably would.


Being a person who just likes just meat and cheese Subway really sucks. The couple times I asked for just those on my sandwich it was like eating a bread bread bread tiny meat and one slice of cheese sandwich. That and it cost $4.99. I'll go with the "Dead Cow and Fried Stuff" place anytime. Bring on the defib device !

P.S. We all know you got the veggie sandwich which is cheap and packed full because it is low cost. I hope your wife at least likes to eat some "meat" now and then.

Karl H.

Can't we all just get along?

I dream of a world where I can order Subway sandwiches with dead cows and fried stuff. And don't skimp on the gravy!


Actually the presence of a defibrilator would signify to me that the restaraunt really knows how to cook. I like to eat dead cows and fried stuff.


The bit with the defibrillator made me think of another coincidental bit of bad luck I had the great fortune to witness. A prominent couple in our community bought the local movie theater. They put a lot of money and effort into restoring it, and a reporter for the local paper came down just before opening night to take their picture. It made the front page the next day, with the two of them standing under the marquee.
It wasn't until the photo hit the paper that anybody realized that the two of them were standing under the title "Dumb and Dumber".

Mark Thorson

When newspapers buy your
strip, do you get to decide
whether it's placed right
next to Zippy?

Ken Primer

It reminds me of the time I was in Japan and I saw an ambulance parked in front of a Fugu restaurant. They were there taking care of someone in the apartment above, but I'm sure the restaurant owner didn't want to give the impression that the chef just screwed up.


Um, its the Law of Attraction. We make our own "luck".

It's also called Positive Thinking.

It's always worked for me.

You like "thought experiments", I like "thought vibrations". It feels better. ;)


Subway blows goats. All their food tastes like a wax facsimile of real food, and just seeing Jared makes be want to club him to death with a baby seal.


Scott, do you mean luck is the biggest component to *any* success? Or are you referring to the wildly over-the-top kind of success you personally have experienced?

I also believe luck is a huge component to "wild success" - you can work hard and approach things from a novel angle, but there are still tons of variables you have zero control over that can contribute to the "over-the-top" type of success.


Luck is the biggest factor besides "doing something." Most people have no chance of being successful because they aren't doing anything. You have to create a situation in which luck can operate. For instance, you have to start a restaurant, or send some cartoons to United Media.

However, among those in the "doing something" category, luck is the biggest factor...only slightly edging out "not doing anything obviously stupid." My brother's friend just ran into a restaurant in Japan themed after a restroom. That's clearly stupid, but apparently the owner is lucky enough to have found a niche anyway.

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