Oh Deer

Did you hear about the Wisconsin man who is charged with having sex with a dead deer that he found in a ditch?

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/1122061deer1.html

His defense was that the deer was already dead, so it wasn’t technically an “animal” when the sex happened. The judge disagreed and ruled that a dead deer is still an animal.

This decision sets a dangerous precedent. By the judge’s reasoning, any guy who gets aroused while wearing leather pants has – in the strictest legal terms – his wiener in a cow.

The story doesn’t mention if the dead dear was male or female. That’s important because I want to know if the perpetrator was gay. Without that information, I don’t know how fascinated I should be.

And lord help me, I can’t stop wondering what specific kind of sex he had. Did he arrange the deer in missionary position – which is the way I prefer to imagine it – or was he just getting a little antler? Was he whispering sweet nothings, or was he having angry sex and yelling something along the lines of “I…TOLD…YOU…TO…STAY…OUT…OF…THE…ROAD!!!!”

The story doesn’t mention if the perpetrator tapped the deer where he found it in the ditch or if he dragged it home and put lipstick on it first. My guess is that he got busy right in the ditch, based on three facts:

1. Deer are heavy.

2. He got caught.

3. If a man is horny enough to fornicate with a dead deer, he’s probably too horny to wait until he gets it home.

I’m trying to picture the cop arriving on the scene. The deer-humper looks up from the ditch, sees the cop looking down at him, and asks himself this question: “Is there any point in stopping?” It seems to me that the legal punishment for man-on-deer sex would be exactly the same whether you finish or not. I picture him holding up two fingers and saying to the cop, “Just two minutes. Almost done.”

The cop wouldn’t mind waiting. He’d be busy covering his entire body and the back seat of his cruiser with plastic gloves before he handcuffed the guy.

I also wonder what the cop was thinking. If I were the cop, I’d be worrying that this would be the exact time I had a coincidental heart attack, rolled into the ditch, and became part of this guy’s threesome. This is why people like me do not become cops. I worry about all the wrong things.

Some people might say this was a victimless crime, but I think that depends on whether the perpetrator has recently broken up with a girlfriend. If so, I would say she’s not too happy about this development. It’s one thing to lose your guy to a cheerleader, but it really has to sting when you lose your guy to road kill. How did he break it to her? “It’s not you, baby, it’s me…and a carcass I noticed on route 9.”

Anyway, the moral of this story – and there is one – is that if you ever see a dead deer in a ditch, and you are aroused by it, your best strategy is to pass the buck.

Or get a windowless van.

Comments

[George W. Bush III]

eww gross i would never do that its gross, sick, disgusting and gross. but if it was alive it would be totally HOT!!! oh damn i gotta go find my cat.

[George W. Bush]

eww gross i would never do that its gross, sick, disgusting and gross. but if it was alive it would be totally HOT!!!

[isee]

well there goes a new term for deer meat

[isee]

well there goes a new term for deer meat

[Karthick]

hahaha i found this a great read.. Pass the buck was classic.

[blaine]

Mr. D, this is Blaine Watters and I wanted to know why I can't get two more shoelaces. I will see you next Tuesday in gym class.

[Simon Robert]

He didn't kill it himself. He just came across it.

[Free icons]

Thanks a lot

[deniz]

Maybe the gender was nothing and the guy was attracted by the bare horns...

[Mark]

Hey, come on people give the guy a break, He just wanted a little doe.

[pemma]

Two thousand five hundred plus years ago someone taught us about the greatest profit (what is measured through Income statement) and the gratest wealth (what is measured in the Balance sheet) one could have. It went like this:
HEALTH AND HAPPINESS ARE PARAMOUNT:
"Arogya parama labha - santutthi paramam dhanam "
or
"Health is the highest PROFIT. Contentment is the greatest WEALTH".
-Dhammapada XV-6
So your own formula is not far out.

[AK]

To Lora:

So, you call Southerners hypocrits because they (presumably) wrote letters to express their opinions about non-acceptance of certain behavior. And you just posted your own letter in this forum to express your opinion about non-acceptance of their behavior...That makes you what? :)

Since others already made fun of your geographical illiteracy and complete lack of facts in your post, i will rest my case.

[Gina]

hahaha i found this very funny.... sorry i just had to post a stupid comment....

[RML]

Does this mean that a dead woman is still a woman? Wouldn't that make necrophilia legal?

[Paul C]

Portnoy really would be complaining if he lived in Wisconsin...

"flogging a dead horse" - bestiality, sado-masochism and necrophilia, three for the price of one!

[Gabriel]

Man, I read Dilbert since I was a pre-teenager, from my father's bussines magazines. This is the first time I read your blog and this post is awesome. I'm laughing a lot at my cubicule...

I'm from Brazil and I know a lot of people who just love your work...

Keep going, Mr. Adams!

[neopolitan]

Just keep self-pollinating, T J, the evidence will be yours one day :)

cheers,

neopolitan

[Tiffanie]

that is one very long lead up to one very corny pun.

[Joe DiPietro]

Heres my take:
The guy probably hunted Deer all his life, never could quite shoot the big one...He hunted hard and long during winter, froze his feet countless times...Bought all the best gear and finnaly one day in the woods after missing a gorgeous deer he said, FUCK IT

[John]

Don't forget this guy was already convicted of animal cruelty for killing a horse for the sole purpose of having sex with it.

[T J]

Neopolitan-

I'm a newbie when it comes to this whole blogging and commenting thing, but I think it's generally expected that you'll comment on the topic ("Oh Deer") and not try to rehash old arguments, especially when you don't understand (or intentionally misunderstand) the argument to start with.

To clear it up: replace "cat" with "hypothetical non-dog". It's easier and a more vivid mental picture to say "cat" than "hypothetical non-dog". It also helps underscore the absurdity. Sorry; didn't mean to confuse you. By the way, ever apologize to the guy you mocked? You know, the guy who was right? You know, about the stuff you said was BS? And, you know, wasn't?

Anyway . . . .

So as not to violate my own expectation above . . . um, do you think the guy will be prohibited from ever watching "Bambi" again?

[Kristian]

My question is how does the judge know the deer was dead b4 the guy got to it. Maybe it was killed in the process of being fawn-icated.

[vishalrix]

What does this guy say to his girlfriend after some role playing action ?

"Dahlin', you are such a deer".

[Richard]

I rather enjoyed the transcript of the judge's ruling where he refers to the defendant's argument about the point of death as a delimiter for bestiality, saying that to ignore it and allow bestiality with a decomposing animal to be a crime is "going down a slippery slope".

Methinks he doth protest FAR too much, especially when he was in a ditch.

Rich.

[Whaleoil]

...but your Honor, I was only marinating it.....