The Best Defects

The best kind of personal defects are the ones that other people notice but you can’t. It’s bad enough to have a defect in the first place; there’s no point in having to think about it all the time. It’s bad for your self-esteem.

For example, I envy the people who don’t know that other people hate spending time with them. I see these defective people all the time, endlessly jabbering at trapped victims. The defective people think they are having a great personal encounter. The victim feels like he has an SUV parked on his chest. Rubberneckers can identify this sort of tragedy by the fact that one person is smiling and doing all of the talking and the other person is squeezing his own thigh to cut off blood to his brain.

I’m the opposite. I assume other people want me to go away as soon as I show up. It’s probably not always true, but I like to play it safe. A little bit of me goes a long way. That’s why I try to leave before I use up my welcome. It’s a tight window.

Carl: “Hi, Scott.”

Me: “Gotta go.”

My other personal defect is a complete lack of fashion sense. As defects go, this is one of the best. I don’t perceive other people as being poorly dressed, and therefore they do not offend my senses. Best of all, I can’t tell when I’m poorly dressed myself. I rely on my wife to do the heavy lifting, fashion-wise. But even that goes wrong sometimes, as it did yesterday. True conversation:

Me: “I love this shirt. You bought this for me, right?”

Shelly: “It’s a pajama top.”

Me: “What?”

Shelly: “You’re wearing a pajama top. And we’re heading to the airport.”

Me: “Gosh. It seemed so soft. I guess that’s why.”

Shelly: “I’m with a man wearing a pajama top.”

Me: “Maybe it will start a trend.”

Shelly: “Maybe not.”

I happily wore my pajama top all day. Knowing that I was a fashion accident did not deter my happiness. My pajama top was soft and comfortable and the color was pleasing to the eye. I like me just the way I am.

Comments

[ellen page hard candy]

Metal Detectors In Schools Violate Students' Rights - Or vary with different security methods and you have another persuasive speech topic

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Life is designed by some sort of intelligence, God created life

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Al consumo critico antiracket lÒOscar della partecipazione civica

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I've just been letting everything pass me by , but so it goes. I just don't have much to say these days. Pfft. I can't be bothered with anything. More or less nothing seems worth doing. I haven't gotten much done recently, but oh well.

[200 cigar humidor]

I haven't gotten much done. Basically nothing noteworthy going on right now, but shrug. I can't be bothered with anything recently. I guess it doesn't bother me. Maybe tomorrow. I feel like a bunch of nothing.

[stefanbh]

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here!

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LOL !

[Helen]

OMG, I owe Oli a huge apology.

You were right that the date was 13/3/7. I actually put it into the American date format that really annoys me.

My pathetic excuse is that I was fuddled with flu, and my saving grace is that no-one will ever read this.

[Alexandra]

Talking about defects....

I absolutely hate it when my kids are chastized for 'being just like their mom'!

Is that even legal?

[JD]

Judging by the sheer stupidity and hubris of 'elliot's post, there's a decent chance that he was the man sitting next to you on the plane. Surely he wouldn't understand if the blog post was about him, after all he had a phenomenal personal encounter with some actuary.

[Dramenbnejs]

Wow, you can honestly answer unwanted phone calls with this:

Oh sorry dude, call me tomorrow, I am already in my pajama...

[William]

Real men don't eat quiche--No, they eat whatever they want. I would wear a pajama top as long as it did not make me look like I eat quiche. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

[Chris]

Mate, where were you born? I think you're secretly Australian. Come over here and no-one will notice.

[Evelyn Saungikar]

You're married less than a year and you have pyjamas already? I guess you wear them during the day because you don't need them at night!

Try this for a fashion statement at the beach: ratty expired short sleeve dress shirt, tucked into a speedo, so the shirt tails stick out the leg holes. Black socks. Birks. Fishing hat.

Advantage is no one crowds your space.

[Mattg]

Mr. Millionare Adams,

Its like you where an escaped mental patient. Wearing his soft white cotten jumpsuit.

I have often been tempted to show up to the airport sporting a shirt from a mental hospital. When approached by said annoying person just start rocking and saying god I hope these pills last the entire flight or I might just "FLIP OUT". Then suggest they might be more comfortable not next to an escaped mental patient. They might switch seats cause there X behavior causes you to feel "uncomfortable" then suggest what happened to the last guy that made you uncomfortable. Something along the lines of.

"The last guy who annoyed me on a plane I followed home from the airport and hacked up but my doctor says as long as I take my pills its ok I fly".

He said it would stop the voices screaming in my head screaming KILL KILL KILL!

It works pretty well.

Please host your blog on a site that doesn't have annoying little ads without a skip button.

Thank you.

[Darius]

Oh my gosh. After reading a few of the comments below, I had to look up "1337" on Wikipedia. That and the article for "leet" are very confusing articles.

[Trickypickle]

"Today's date is actually 3/13/07!

I get really annoyed with American date formats. As an analyst programmer, they make life very difficult."

But it's so logical. day/month/year. Far more intuitive than month/day/year. Is it an US thing only? Probably not, as we us dd/mm/yy here and are not associated with the US in any way, but I wonder which parts of the world use which?

[Dan Boehm]

Scott,

You and I are one and the same.

Thank you so much...

[Alejandro]

I guess I might worry about fashion if all the important problems were already solved.

[Helen]

Today's date is actually 3/13/07!

I get really annoyed with American date formats. As an analyst programmer, they make life very difficult.

[Borjan]

Hm. The person I finally get to call her my wife after 12 years of "being an item" and 5 of those years living together was/is a fashion victim herself. When we started going out, it seemed she had no sense of fashion whatsoever, but after 12 years she's improved much under my tutelage.

And you know how hard (nigh impossible!) it is to tell a WOMAN that she's badly dressed! Especially since she doesn't take criticism about anything well (who does, right? But she comes from a family where critique was a way of life, so she's fed up with that).

It's my cross to bear, I guess. And it's not easy, let me tell ya...

[Carl_Spackler]

Perhaps we should start some sort of support group. I too am fashionably inept, I've no idea whether your supposed to match your socks to your pants or shirt. Pants makes sense to me (proximity) but I've been told it's the shirt. I don't really care either way.

My wife has said on more than one occasion: "Are you really going to wear that shirt with those pants?" To which I reply, "Seeing as how I'm fully dressed I was planning on it. Does it not work?"

Now, when we're going some place that I would surely embarrass her with my poor fashion choices I magically find my clothes laid out for me on the bed.

I wish she'd lay down a pajama top though, that does sound comfy.

[aditya]

Spot on SIR! I can so well realate to both the instances mentioned by you. I too am a bit on the defensive while meeting people. Ita amazes me as to how people can be such wind-bags and be oblivious to someone else's plight. I guess they are totally in love with themselves - Good for them, there's no competition!

Also wrt the fashion thing, I am a complete zero! However I am proud of dressing badly, and feel that we can inspire a special fashion movement.

[Oli]

"There seem to be a lot of email related defects that people don't seem to notice in themselves - like all caps, using 1337 in business situations and of course fowarding crap no one wants."

Using leet in business, gaurenteed way to get yourself fired?

Incidentally todays date is 13/3/7

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