The Boner Theory of Economics

The Boner Theory of Economics states that a man will accept $1 per hour less pay if he is guaranteed a boner on the job. Stated mathematically…

$1/hour = 1 boner

We can test the validity of this theory by seeing how well it predicts behavior.  For example, the Boner Theory of Economics predicts that eventually all shoe salespeople jobs will be filled by men with foot fetishes. The only reason it’s not completely true already is that the managers filling those jobs haven’t realized they are overpaying. I wonder how many interviews have gone like this:

Manager: “The job involves kneeling in front of women and touching their feet. Are you okay with that?”

Applicant: “Um…er…yes.”

Manager: “The pay is $10 per hour.”

Applicant: “I can only afford to pay you $8 per hour.”

Manager: “We pay you. You don’t pay us.”

Applicant: “Can we start over with the negotiating?”

The Boner Theory of Economics also predicts that in the long run – perhaps in a few hundred years – the military will be 100% gay men. This is the best case scenario for taxpayers because it will keep down costs, and recruiting will be easy.

Recruiter: “We can’t afford to give you body armor, but you’ll be surrounded by young, vital men who are a long way from home. Would you like a tour of the showers?”

Recruit: “Yes, but I can’t stand up right away.”

During the transition to the future all-gay armed forces, things will be awkward for the career soldiers who are hanging in there for a pension. You’ll hear this sort of exchange when they finally retire:

Soldier: “I was deployed in the desert for three years.”

Friend: “Are you gay?”

Soldier: “No, but thank goodness the guy who shared my tent was.”

Comments

[Me.]

And then the Army can change their slogan from "Be all that you can be." to "The Army: We never leave our buddy's behind."

[LA Clay]

I won't even mention all the seamen in the Navy.

[CLB]

Then that extra dollar/hour can be given to women as compensation for having to work with boneheads. ;)

[Steve]

LMAO ~ Thanks I spew coffee all over my keyboard from laughing so hard

[locomotivebreath1901]

No, Scott.

I pretty sure you just described the boner theory of blogging.

Really.

[the drifter]

I agree with thefoot fetish shoe salesmen, but as for the military; WHAT!!!!

[tony]

ha ha ha. nice theory, but you can't pay your bills with a boner, can you? (okay, maybe if you're RANDY SPEARS).

yes, i really do work here. nice benefits. the boner thing lasts for about the first 2 weeks. I see no reason to ever take a $1/hour pay cut, although i think the entertainment industry does that all day long. I used to work at a local tv station and that job paid NOTHING. "think of all the experience you'll get" is what they say, right?

AND Scott, why do you hate freedom? Actually it's too bad one can't joke about "the troops" without having your patriotism questioned (what a demeaning term "troops"--why not call them soldiers, sailors, marines, etc.).

[mee]

i dont get the joke :(

[JOHN THE BAP]

this time you started off super and ended with a thud; "not that there's anything wrong with that"

[JST]

“No, but thank goodness the guy who shared my tent was.”

Similar joke: A guy wakes up to find his roommate (details best left to the imagination) and says "oh my god, dude, what the hell are you doing?!...how could you?!...you know I'm not gay!.....Now finish me off and get out of here!"

Also, I once worked at a cafe where the staff was 90% women, and at least 70% of them were what most men would consider very attractive. So, on any given shift I could be working with 3 or 4 absolutely beautiful women. There was also a very high employee turnover rate, so new ones were coming in all the time.
It was very, very hard to leave that job.
I used to think the owner was a bit of a pig until I realized over time that in fact about 90% of the people who applied to work there were women and an unusually high percentage of them were really, really hot.

[Tom]

Then why don't we see more "boob men" working in Victoria's Secret?

[Ashok Subbarama]

One of the earliest jokes I read for job "fetish" interviews .. still gives me a good chuckle!

*************** Gorilla In Heat *******************
A small Alabama Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Mike Hickman , a redneck part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the animal's cages. Mike, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The park administrator thought they might have a solution. Mike was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00? Mike showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under the following four conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips." The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition. "Second," Mike said, "you must never tell anyone about this." The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition. "Third," Mike said, "I want all the offspring to be raised Southern Baptist." Once again the administrator agreed. And last of all Mike stated: "You've got to give me another week to come up with the $500.00."

[Brian]

There's the disadvantage of a boner every day in that you seem to lose the ability to concentrate. I've had the unfortunateness of having the occasional one and it's very disconcerting...especially if the boss happens to come over and asks you to come to his office for a minute...that and not being able to get any work done because you're too busy worrying in case your boss comes over....:)

[will]

the most entertaining part of this post i find is that fact that pretty much 95% of the peeople that read this will focus on the stereotyping of gay people and not on the point of the post itself. i find that funny especially considering your earlier posts about people rationalizing their oppinions (which i didnt believe at first but now am forced to because i see it happening all the time). great post.

[Ibid]

Everyone in the Army will become gay. The Marines will get filled with the bullies from high school.

[basselope]

Yea, I wanted to be photographer for Penthouse Magazine but my pictures kept coming out all blurry.
Do you think all those guys are Gay?

[SnarlyGeezer]

Classic joke from the United States Marine Corps:

Q: In the Navy, how do they separate the men from the boys?

A: With a crowbar.

[Gavin]

I guess maybe this explains why IT is reasonably well-paid.

[Yuriy]

[Is this a real theory?]

It will be as soon as someone writes an article about it in Wikipedia.

[Real Live Girl]

I'm wondering how to test this theory the next time I interview a job applicant, and we negotiate salary. Hopefully, this is where the Wonderbra pays for itself.

[JFitz]

Was it your fondness of pencils that led you to a career as a cartoonist?

[tom]

The recruit needs to learn "the tuck," which allows one to stand up with a boner and draw minimal attention to it.

[Jorrath Zek]

And now you've gone and offended a whole new group of people... All in the name of humor.

[Nostok]

Keep it up Scott.

[Andrew P]

Soldier: “No, but thank goodness the guy who shared my tent was.”

I've decided I don't like your jokes that take a moment to get.