World’s Most Annoying Man

Yesterday I was flying across the country. My biggest fear when flying isn’t that the jet might crash; it’s that I might end up sitting next to the World’s Most Annoying Man for five hours. Theoretically, such a person exists. I mean, SOMEONE has to be the most annoying man in the world. And there’s a good chance that he flies. After yesterday, I’m reasonably sure that he looks like Mr. Clean on crack, and he was sitting next to me in seat 3D.

As you know, when people use headphones, they talk too loudly because they can’t hear themselves. I learned that this phenomenon extends to nasal sounds in the sniff-snort category. Mr. Clean on crack was rocking out to his iPod and sniff-snorting so loudly every few seconds that the flight crew kept looking out the window to see if a pterodactyl was attacking the fuselage.

Oh, I’m just getting started.

The World’s Most Annoying Man enjoyed whatever was on the little airplane TV after the feature film. He displayed his happiness by rocking back and forth and making a sound like a horse with his ‘nads caught on a barbed wire fence. It went something like EEYOOOREE-SNORT-SNIFF-EEEEYOOOREEE! If you have ever tried to take a nap when Mr. Clean on crack is gelding himself next to you, then you know it isn’t easy.

The World’s Most Annoying Man ordered a beer before takeoff. And another every half hour. Add to this picture his bladder that was the size of a mosquito’s pancreas, and you can imagine how many times I had to unbuckle and rebuckle. Several times he had to go see his “assistant” in the back of the plane, which turned out to be a failed mission twice because of a beverage cart and once because she was either asleep or pretending to be dead to avoid him.

I haven’t even gotten to the good part yet.

He was a tall, lanky guy with, with fingers like breadsticks. Every few minutes he would grab some note paper and a pen, assume the “brilliant idea” pose, and then, I’m guessing, realizing he was more drunk than inspired, write a few words and…God help me…drum his fingers.

Now when I say “drum his fingers,” I do not mean softly or just a few times. I mean every few seconds for an hour he would go into a drum solo on his tray table that was apparently intended to jumpstart his brain and squeeze out that nugget of brilliance that was drowning in Heineken somewhere in his cerebellum. I glanced over at his notes a few times just to see if he was writing a solution to string theory or the first chapter of a great novel. But I think it was a cross between gibberish and whatever aspires to be gibberish. The finger drumming, like his snort-sniffing, was extra loud because he still had on the headphones. Those breadstick-fingers were banging louder than Paris Hilton locked in a steel drum with a hot robot. It bothered me so much that I lost my ability to make good analogies.

He tried once to make conversation with me. “Going home?” he asked. I avoided that trap like a hamster avoids a Richard Gere film festival. (See? I’m damaged.)  “Going to work,” I answered. Had he asked what kind of work, I was ready to explain my career as an actuary. No one can survive that for more than five minutes without slipping into a coma. It’s a drastic measure, but at that point it was either him or me. And my level of self-loathing didn’t even come close to my desire to kill him. So it would have been him. Luckily for him, he went back to his nonverbal methods of being annoying, and thus inadvertently saved his life.

Next time I need to cross the country, I’m walking.

Comments

[Bedders]

Hmm Scott... "Who is aggressor animal now?"

[Tom B]

I would expect that a disproportionally large number of actuaries are Dilbert fans.

Undoubtedly you are aware of Bayes' Theorem, so I won't bother explaining it, suffice it to say that, Scott Adams taking a dig at actuaries on the Dilbert Blog would alienate a much larger proportion of his readership than, say, Paris Hilton would, if she were to post a similar comment on her blog. That being said, the few actuaries that I have met would probably find such a comment more humourous than insulting, and it may actually endear you to them more so than alienating them. Given how outrageously intelligent you claim to be, I'm going to assume that you deliberately chose to take a dig at actuaries for this very reason.

[The Demotivational Speaker]

Hey Scott!

Thanks for the free conciousness raising of my demotivational speaking business.

Like your characters, the key is for people to be themselves, whatever that is, and not be constantly trying to be the overachieving high D personality like all of the driven speakers out there.

We are human beings, not human doings. Time management books are best used for home heating.

I'll let you know if I get any referred business from this.

In my topics there is ample Dilbert material.

[Oli]

Scott - If you ever needed an example of what other people said about you and some idiot then takes it that you said it yourself, this is it.

"Scott,

You keep telling us how rich and smart you are."

Personally from what ive seen you tend to avoid teh issue of money and frequently say how you are not smart enough to vote. Its the commenters who complain about you being smart and the commenters who always bring up the subject of money.

Hoorah for Retards.

http://ramblingsofanofficewoker.blogspot.com

[Stuart - Velkairiwyth]

Some flights can suck real bad.

Had one two hour flight back from spain once sat next to a kid (about 8YO) that had REALLY smelly feet and insisted on putting them on his seat - against my leg. I took to frequently stretching and crushing his feet against the armrest as a hint to get his feet away before they melted my trousers. His dad was big. And a celtic supporter (they both wore strip tops :p) so I figured it wouldnt be sensible to startup conversation :p

At least they didnt scream, although the plane did lose an engine on landing. (seems to happen a lot to me!)

[Tathagat]

May be you should be thankful to this guy for giving you the idea to write a funny post.

[girl only]

girlfm.blogspot.com

no boys allowed

[Landei]

Once a man asked me to change our seats, so he could sit with his family. Beeing a nice guy, I agreed.
Seconds after I took my new seat, the huuuugest woman that could go possibly in a plane came in my direction, came closer, closer... and took the seat next to me.
It was terrible. She needed a 1 meter prolongation for the seat belt. I was sitting there squeezed like a peace of camenbert. The only good think was that this flight was just a hop from Frankfurt to Luxembourg...

[meep]

Hey! I'm going to sic the actuaries (and wannabe actuaries like me) on you! http://www.actuarialoutpost.com/actuarial_discussion_forum/showpost.php?p=2004597&postcount=20

Of course, in the thread I posted, the following two "jokes" were posted:
"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"An actuary."
"A what?"
"A person who can answer a question you didn't know you had in a way you can't understand."
:cricket: :cricket:

-------
You might be an actuary if:

1: Your idea of having fun is studying for a test.

2: You can say, understand, and respond to "e to the power of negative integral from a to b of mu of t dt", but you cannot say, understand, or respond to "Hi, how are you"

3: Your favourite models are loss models
-------
So.... you may have a point.

[William Skyvington]

Brilliant humorous writing, full of tiny gems that made me literally burst into laughter. Scott Adams doesn't even need to know how to draw! He's a writer. I've often wondered how he does the fine tuning of the textual dimension of his Dilbert strips. It's always optimal. Not a word out of place. Not a syllable. Not even a punctuation sign. Is it a team effort? If people were asked to specify the striking aspects of Scott's work, they would talk, of course, of the graphic dimension, the social and psychological situations he depicts, etc. I've always been struck, primarily, by the words.

[rajesh rajoo]

And I’m walking too. I told my momma I would, even if it meant… meant whatever…

Ever had the person next to you check out his mobile ring tones in ‘stadium’ mode? It never stops at one tone. And the tyrant, usually just out of college or still in one, wouldn’t give a hoot if you are trying to stare him down.

I said him. Because it always the ‘he’ who does it and never the ‘she’. God forbid the day I meet this ‘she’ tyrant. I can picture a she rhino. Can you?

[Dodobrain]

"I was ready to explain my career as an actuary. No one can survive that for more than five minutes without slipping into a coma."

Burst out laughing when I read this :)

[Kevin Kunreuther]

Couldn't you have stood up and yelled, "SHOEBOBMBER! WE GOT A SHOEBOMBER ON BOARD!" and start braining him to the point that he became a total nonthinking entity, with the rest of passengers joining in getting their odd kick in and sitting on him? You could have scawled, "Glory be to Osama bin Laden" on a cocktail napkin and jammed it in his cold clammy fist. That's been my plan of action ever since 9-11 if I ever sit next to an annoying person, even on the crosstown bus.

[Ranjith]

Snob!

[That other guy]

Just imagine what he thought of you!

"Man, there was this guy on the flight, all passive-aggresive and everything. I just know he's going to write a blog entry about me. That's so freakin' annoying!"

[Paul]

iPOD, Noise canceling headphones, life is sweet

[synapticmisfires]

BUT IT'S OK RIGHT BECAUSE THE GUY HAS NO FREE WILL? I should punch myself really hard for saying that...

Anyway, good news American is bringing back metal knives. So next time someone sits next to cracked out, drunken, iPod wearing Mr. Clean heh heh heh... Wait did you say seat 3d? Hrmmm, what flight was this?

[Nelson]

lol that is too funny. Although I'm sure it wasn't as funny when it was happening. I've done a lot of traveling but lucky I haven't gotten stuck next to anyone that bad.

Good job on not killing him. You probably could have knocked him out and then put a pillow near his head to make it look like he was sleeping.

[JB]

It is quite possible that this person is wondering how he managed to sit besides the most annoying man in the world i.e YOU

[Dave1-20-2009]

Stop the WMAP by become more annoying. I start by talking about my kids "mad skills" for ten minutes, then bringing out the laptop, showing the pictures of our last vacation, then the one before, etc... Usually they surrender at the threat of pictures and withdraw silently.

I used to travel to Japan alot for business in the early 90's. Northworst was cheapest and then budget cuts booted us from business class. NW also acted as a VN refugee transport for the US out of Hong Kong. Every available seat was given to some poor shmuck who had spent the last 100 hours stuck in some shithole holding cell waiting for a plane to come to the US. Fourteen hours sitting between smells that could kill sucked until after hearing some of their stories, suddenly not so bad. Not funny but this thread made me think of it.

[TheFool]

Wow! EEYOOOREE-SNORT-SNIFF-EEEEYOOOREEE! That sounds so much like the flight I was on! EEYOOOREE-SNORT-SNIFF-EEEEYOOOREEE! Except the guy sitting next to me was wearing a pajama top, and kept getting in the way when I tried to get a beer. EEYOOOREE-SNORT-SNIFF-EEEEYOOOREEE!

Wow, Small world.

[Jake]

Now just imagine this clod (or a couple dozen just like him) was able to yak on his cell phone for the entire flight.

Uh oh, looks like it might happen:

http://www.fcc.gov/cgb/consumerfacts/cellonplanes.html

http://news.com.com/Feds+move+on+wireless+Web,+cell+phones+in+flight/2100-1039_3-5491802.html

[WCE]

I hate to be a "topper", but I once took a cross-country flight where a father foisted his 6-yr-old kid off into the seat next to me, while he sat in the back of the plane.

The kid had a load in his pants.

[Read it again?]

“[just because you are likely quite wealthy (due to your hard work, creativity and success), that you don't deserve to take issue with things such as irritating people (who cares if you sat next to an annoying man...shut up and count your money).” - Posted by Lauren

Lauren – Scott doesn’t DESERVE to be stuck with annoying people any more than anyone else. The comment you were referring to was meant as a humorous take on counting and breathing deeply to relax, as experts often tell you to do in stressful situations. It was offered as a way to take his mind off of his misery when physically trapped on a plane. Most of us have to put up with a few hours of Satan’s company without any compensation.

[D. Mented]

I was on a United plane. The kind with the built in 'pillows' on the seat backs that push my head forward if I dare to sit back against the seatback. Just before takeoff, a young lady who was boarding dropped her bag; a 1 ounce bottle of musk perfume rolled directly under my seat, and the cap came off (empty, of course, by the time she retrieved it, but it was not empty when it got under there)As we took off, a baby and a toddler- one ahead of me, one behind - began screaming. (Parents, before you fly with a pre-verbal child, please ask your pediatrician if it's okay to give your child a dose of infant sinus medicine. They can't clear their ears, so takeoff and landing is painful for them, and the sinus medicine can help) The baby stopped ten minutes after we reached cruising altitude, but the toddler did not. The guy in the seat behind me was nervous, and kept kicking my seat. I'd ask him to stop, but he would start up again...If you think a six-year-old kicking your chair is annoying, imagine an athletic six-footer. All of a sudden, I realised this couldn't be real; I was just a character in a really bad comedy movie...Didn't stop the fumes, the screaming, or the kicking, not did it make the seatbacks any less uncomfortable, but it did set me giggling helplessly at random intervals, which seemed to make my seatmate nervous.
On the way back, all I had was a quiet baby next to me who became fascinated with my hair and pulled it frequently. I just smiled at her (her mother had short, neat hair, and will probably wonder why her perfect little daughter willdecide to wear her hair long, uncut, and unstyled later in life...I'm a bad influence)
D. Mented