Best Fundraiser Ever

I saw in the news that Andre Agassi “inadvertently” whacked his wife, Steffi Graf, in the face with his racket during a fundraiser.

http://sports.yahoo.com/ten/news?slug=ap-grafinjured&prov=ap&type=lgns

The fundraiser was part of a new reality show produced by Oprah. The doctor who bid $70,000 to play tennis with Agassi and Graf also got to put the stitches in Graf’s lip. Hmmmm. . . Was this really an accident?

One theory is that Andre Agassi, the most precise tennis player in history, who could circumcise a mosquito with a tennis racket during mid serve, couldn’t avoid hitting his wife in the face. I suppose that’s possible, in the “anything can happen” way of thinking. But let’s examine the alternative theory.

Let’s say Oprah corners Agassi alone before the event and says, “Andre, the doctor will pay $70,000 just to play tennis. But if you hit your wife in the head so he can stitch her up, that’s another $100,000 to benefit the children.”

At first, Andre would probably say, “No way!” But Oprah would just furrow her brow and look at him in that “I’m Oprah and you’re not” way. She wouldn’t have to actually say, “I’ll tell everyone that you don’t care about children” because it would be implied. Oprah can be very convincing. I imagine her saying, “Andre, you’ve been married for a while. Can you honestly tell me you can’t think of one good reason to bust her lip with a racket? Don’t lie to me. I’m Oprah.”

By the time Oprah was done with Agassi, Steffi’s face was probably starting to look round, green, and fuzzy. Interestingly, Agassi managed to bust Steffi’s lip without damaging her teeth. I assume that’s because the guy who bid the highest was a doctor and not a dentist. If the bidder had been a psychiatrist, that would have been the best show of all. Agassi would have had to club Steffi to death and keep her in a freezer.

I’m not criticizing. I think it’s great to help the children.

Comments

[Rosie]

I thank you for your comment.

[Peter]

Cool post!

[Jess]

HA!

[Kevin Carson]

Best fundraiser ever was the 1995 pledge drive for the Arkansas Educational Television Network. The lineup, heavily promoted in the leadup period, featured a lot of Grateful Dead concert footage. And then Jerry Garcia died right at the beginning of pledge week. They got a record haul.

[Pete]

Yahoo is still going?

[Kevin_D]

Tutu..."how could anyone miss that nose?"

Exactly my point :)
That was probably his one and only opportunity to "accidentally" have her undergo a little (or a lot of) rhinoplasty.
...and now she has a big lip, too.

[mrsnesbitt]

Just heard of this today, normally good news travels quickly to UK!

[Stomper]

gr8hands:

I'm not arguing with you about the spousal privilege under the Federal Rules of Evidence. I haven't looked that up in a long time, but I think you are probably right.

On the other hand, I still think I was probably right about spousal immunity under Texas law. The right to testify is not the same as the right to sue.

--Stomper

[Joshua]

You're too kind to Agassi, Scott. You're assuming it has something to do with charity or Oprah, not Andre thinking to himself, time for operation "whoops I accidentally whacked my wife across the f'ing face and I swear it has nothing to do with the fact that she nags me endlessly, omg are you okay" to go into affect.

He's been planning it.

[kls]

Good thing for Steffi that the doctor wasn't a gynecologist.

Would have made an epic YouTube clip, though.

[JT]

Reaching on this one.

[Kiwiluke]

At least he didn't specialise in Gynocology! Though i'm sure the show would have gotten higher ratings if he had been. As would the subsequent clip on youtube

[redblue]

You are sick.

Funny.

But definitely sick.

Don't you dare stop.

[ipsissimus_clay]

Oh dear lord, there's spittle on my keyboard and people are looking at me funny.

I hate you sometimes Scott, I really do.

You funny bastard.

[TwoUnicycles]

I haven't seen Steffi in a while. Does she still have great legs?

[Gleetnorx]

ah so
It brings to mind the young american gaijin couple touring in Nippon long ago.
They perchanced to meet a noble samurai and asked of his sKills at the blade.
He silently and swiftly drew his sword, raised it high into the air...

and slice a fly in two clean halves!

those were some impressed tourists

A little further on the intrepid travelers encountered yet another noble samurai, and courteouslt asked of his experience of the Bushido code.
He replied silently by drawing hos sword and quartering a fly!

finally, near sunset, our valiant explorers were nearing their night's destination
when
Yet another samurai, proud and brave, appeared in their path.
"Oh great samurai, master of the bushido code, what more wondrous skills could possibly be displayed than those we have witnessed today?
Enlighten us!"
At that, the samurai drew his blade and struck!

the fly buzzed off

"Oh, great samurai! Have you missed your mark?"

the samurai replyith:
"That fly will never father children again!"

ok, this qualifies as one of the worst jokes on record, on several accounts

[T.G.]

Means, ends and the power to control a mindless hord.
Some intelligent opinions may aleviate the overpopulated world of that burden, death by selective boreness.
Fun post.

[Rodan]

'If the bidder had been a psychiatrist, that would have been the best show of all'

Not at all, the best thing would have been if the bidder was a proctologist. I think then even Oprah would not have the persuasive powers necessary to convince Andre that he could pull off the story that it was an accident. 'I was just putting bottom spin on it, honest'.

[Bhisham]

I took the time to go through the responses you recieve for such "controversial" posts. My condolences.

[Tutu]

Kevin D... "Um, he was probably going for her nose..."

How could anyone miss that nose? Is it another display of his skill that he only got the lip? Proof it was a plan all along?

[mospeada]

Andre just went from who? to how?

[Andrew]

who can lie to Oprah?

[Dave K.]

He infringed on his copywife. Thank you. I'll be here through Thursday...

[Carl]

Pay enough money and you can make anything happen!

[Bytesage]

[who could circumcise a mosquito with a tennis racket]

wow, another phrase for the CIA , er .. I mean Google

Although considering what a PITA mosquitoes are might I suggest that phrase be changed to ...who could castrate a mosquito with a tennis racket...