Best Fundraiser Ever

I saw in the news that Andre Agassi “inadvertently” whacked his wife, Steffi Graf, in the face with his racket during a fundraiser.

http://sports.yahoo.com/ten/news?slug=ap-grafinjured&prov=ap&type=lgns

The fundraiser was part of a new reality show produced by Oprah. The doctor who bid $70,000 to play tennis with Agassi and Graf also got to put the stitches in Graf’s lip. Hmmmm. . . Was this really an accident?

One theory is that Andre Agassi, the most precise tennis player in history, who could circumcise a mosquito with a tennis racket during mid serve, couldn’t avoid hitting his wife in the face. I suppose that’s possible, in the “anything can happen” way of thinking. But let’s examine the alternative theory.

Let’s say Oprah corners Agassi alone before the event and says, “Andre, the doctor will pay $70,000 just to play tennis. But if you hit your wife in the head so he can stitch her up, that’s another $100,000 to benefit the children.”

At first, Andre would probably say, “No way!” But Oprah would just furrow her brow and look at him in that “I’m Oprah and you’re not” way. She wouldn’t have to actually say, “I’ll tell everyone that you don’t care about children” because it would be implied. Oprah can be very convincing. I imagine her saying, “Andre, you’ve been married for a while. Can you honestly tell me you can’t think of one good reason to bust her lip with a racket? Don’t lie to me. I’m Oprah.”

By the time Oprah was done with Agassi, Steffi’s face was probably starting to look round, green, and fuzzy. Interestingly, Agassi managed to bust Steffi’s lip without damaging her teeth. I assume that’s because the guy who bid the highest was a doctor and not a dentist. If the bidder had been a psychiatrist, that would have been the best show of all. Agassi would have had to club Steffi to death and keep her in a freezer.

I’m not criticizing. I think it’s great to help the children.

Comments

[Billy B]

*Yawn*

It's a good thing that the world is bigger than your opinions, or lack of them.
Billy B

[Arby]

Wow, resorting to violence to up the ante for a charitable contribution? Now that is a good movie plot. The idle rich are so satiated with the soft life and the cornucopia of goods and services available to them they need to dream up bloody schemes to slake their need for stimulation and entertainment. The head of the rich and powerful search for ways to give their constituents what they want and no scenario is taboo. What are a few dead bodies and mutilated poor souls if they contribute to the cause? Hey, this sounds like the Romans at the coliseum staging gladiator slaughter and this movie has already been done. Spartacus. Or was it a flick about the NFL?

[Bonnie]

Scott, you may be on to something. This might be the next big thing in fundraising! Think about it. Aren't there a few among the "Rich and Famous" that you just can't stand. Sure there are. Wouldnt it be worth a few hundred to give one of them a split lip? Heck, I know at least 5 woman who would happily take out a second mortgage if it meant they could take a swing at Paris Hilton. This could mean the end of poverty, disease and illiteracy. You're a genius, Scott.

[Kent]

Scott, You're an idiot. There's no way he hit her deliberately with the racket.

[Robert Hamilton]

Being a world class competitor, don't be surprised to see Stefi come up with a an accidental forehand smash to Andre's face in front of the high definition cameras during the next event. Agassi will absorb it to her surprise, and convert his racket into a full auto squad automatic weapon and lay down a base of supressing fire at her feet. Stefi will do a ninja backflip and whack the weapon into the air with her powerful backhand as she's landing inbounds of course...

[ComidaDos]

I'm ashamed of you, Scott. You really need to find subjects for blog entries that aren't on the front page of Yahoo!.

[Okgenuine]

'Don't lie to me. I'm Oprah.' Funny. My theory is anything can happen once.

[Borjan]

Oprah is a clueless hog who just wants better ratings, so anything is possible...

[gr8hands]

For the record, in Trammel v. United States, the Supreme Court concluded as a matter of federal law that "when one spouse is willing to testify against the other in a criminal proceeding . . . their relationship is almost certainly in disrepair; there is probably little in the way of marital harmony for the privilege to preserve."

Accordingly, the Court modified the spousal immunity in federal courts, allowing it to be waived by the spouse-witness. Most states have followed suit. Spouses can't be forced to testify, but can if they want.

[Andrew]

I like how a large number of your analogies relate to the anatomy of mosquitoes.

[Leora]

Someone tell Shelly not to play a charity doubles tournament with her husband anytime soon.

[Armando Esteban]

Oh man, how I'd like yo be you....

[bcammack]

["the devil" wrote:
imagine wht wud have happened if it was lenoox lewis and not andre agassi being interviewd.... it wud have been a plastic surgeon and not a physician....]

Somehow, I've always expected that, if the devil existed, he'd have impeccable grammar and spelling. Perhaps you are misusing the singular "the" in error and are simply "a" devil. One of no repute or education.

[LA Clay]

hmmm..Andre ain't getting whacked by Steph anytime soon...

[Kevin_D]

Um, he was probably going for her nose...

[Ivan]

"Don’t lie to me. I’m Oprah.” Yes, sure. As it was so difficult to cheat her. Remember the guy that wrote that book around one year ago? I don't rememeber and I don't want to remember either, but being multimillionaire with a top rating TV show doesn't inmunize you to fall to lies. If I was Agassi: "Oprah, you pay the 100000 or I tell my wife, and you won't like an angry german wife from the tennis hall of fame after you"

[Stomper]

Texas law grants "spousal immunity." Generally speaking, one spouse cannot successfully sue his or her own spouse for anything other than divorce, and the property division/custody matters that go with divorce. Steffi might get a larger piece of the marital pie if she were to prove the incident was caused by more than mere momentary inattention, but (a) I doubt their divorce would occur under Texas law, and (b) she would have to divorce him in order to do so.

Legal advice worth every penny you are paying for it.

--Stomper

[Flabaya]

Those people have been rich too long..

[Gleetnorx]

Yes, it's a vast vestigial wing conspiracy!

[dan]

Hey S.N.

What sex... We're MARRIED!

[janvantienen.blogspot.com]

I agree with Henk.

[henkbovekerk.nl]

you rock scott adams. i'm saying that on behalf of the people from the netherlands. i haven't actually asked everyone yet but i think they will agree.

[Jordy]

Too bad a rich minor celebrity tennis playing cartoonist didn't win the bid. Agassi would only have had to make her a little depressed so the winning bidder could draw her something funny and mke her laugh.

[QwkDrw]

Taking TRUST, a tenet in some successful marriages, to another level higher -- or tennis has become too much a show business.

[David]

As much as I liked that, it sounds almost too plausible therefore it must be untrue. Accidents like this happen all the time after all. Like when Dick Cheney shot his friend Harry Whittington in the face.
I wonder if, like Whittington, Staffi Graf will issue a public apology for getting in the way of her husband's racket and then lament what her husband 'had to go through'. Then, much like Cheney, Aggasi can refuse to accept the apology.