Outsource the Government

It’s common knowledge that all major government decisions in the United States are made via a process that Thomas Jefferson described in the constitution as “lobbyists bribing weasels.” Voters attempt to solve this problem by electing the weasels who do the best job lying about their intentions to change the system. So far, this hasn’t worked.

That’s why we need to outsource the important decisions to India. I’m sure a consulting firm in India could help the United States come up with a coherent energy policy, a plan for universal health care, a cure for global warming, and an anti-terrorism plan.

I know you have many questions about this excellent idea. Allow me to anticipate them and answer them.

Q. What the hell do Indians know about America?

A. More than you. The Indians who graduated from the Indian Institute of Technology are among the smartest people on the planet. And whatever they don’t already know, they can learn while you’re watching American Idol. Yeah, it hurts. But it’s true.

Q. What’s to stop U.S. lobbyists from corrupting the Indians?

A. We’d need to fund the Indian consulting company directly from U.S. taxes (it would be relatively cheap), and audit each employee’s personal finances regularly to make sure no one working in a cubicle in India owns a yacht.

Q. Wouldn’t the Indians make decisions that benefit India more than the U.S.?

A. Only if they wanted to get fired. That sort of thing would be somewhat obvious. The United States wouldn’t be obligated to implement the recommendations from the Indian consulting company. Everything would be debated in America before any decisions were made. This is an improvement over the current situation where, for example, there is no terrorist-thwarting energy policy up for debate.

Q. Wouldn’t the lobbyist-fellated politicians in America ignore the recommendations from the Indian consulting company?

A. Some would. Others would embrace the recommendations as a way to get elected. Voters would have the choice of electing people who support the Indian recommendations or not. That’s better than our current system of voting for people who make fuzzy statements about general directions and offer no plans.

Q. Is it okay if I offer an objection to this plan that demonstrates my poor reading comprehension?

A. I’d be disappointed if you didn’t.

Go.

[Update: If you noted the dysfunctional government in India, you missed the point by a mile. People can't fix their own government because they have too much self-interest. You need an objective and less-easily-bribed foreigner to do the consulting no matter who you are.]

Comments

[Caroline]

I have an extension on the idea: Let's outsource the voting too. How about having the rest of the world elect the US government? First off, I'll bet most people in the rest of the world are better educated on US policy than Americans so they would make better electoral decisions. Second, the US runs most of the world, so it really is only fair to grant them the vote if the US really wants to spread democracy. Third, this should cut down on global conflicts since everyone will have had their chance to speak up in the election.

[Caroline]

I have an extension on the idea: Let's outsource the voting too. How about having the rest of the world elect the US government? First off, I'll bet most people in the rest of the world are better educated on US policy than Americans so they would make better electoral decisions. Second, the US runs most of the world, so it really is only fair to grant them the vote if the US really wants to spread democracy. Third, this should cut down on global conflicts since everyone will have had their chance to speak up in the election.

[American fighter]

Indian propaganda,crooks try to make easy maoney and they try to bring cheap labor and get screw.Alot of companies get outsource but cheap pay twice.Programmers from India do not now sh!t about technics no base no technology no ideas.
Only Americans can do most programming or high technical level.Because they grew with computers.India is the shit hole like China and other degenerates not all of them but country without technology cant create anything.
China thief #1,India cheap labor.If they so greate why they not using they high tech inside there country?

[Vijay]

All of you are missing one point, the work that is outsourcing to india say call centers or transcription work etc are not done by iit grads or by a highly educated indian. This work is done by high school droupouts, kids who are not interested in higher education but wants to earn money.

[AccountExec]

What you have yet to talk about is that the vast majority of these very same "professionals" are the most dishonest people you will ever encounter. I deal with them on a daily basis, and the epic lack of integrity in an India technology professional is amazing. They have no problem burning their companies (my clients) and you, for an extra $1/hr. They don't care about you even though you are the reason they have the job.

The amount of "trips to India" and sick grandparents/parents is too much to handle... we know they're lying. They change names and change corporations to avoid stigmas. It's sickening.

I feel sorry for the ones with character and integrity. They should be ashamed of their countrymen.

Also, MIT is the #1 college in the world...not IIT. IIT grads are very bright people, it's just sad that you can never just believe somebody when it's on their resume.

[TSB]

Uh, but have you not pointed out that consultants tell you what you want to hear? And the buyers of consulting services only pay for what they think is right, which is what they already believe. So, we'd pay them to tell us that what we are doing is already correct. So we can save more by doing what all the big firms are doing: fake it, show the savings as revenue, pay yourselves a huge bonus.

[Ajay Mishra]

Sorry, all you IITans, but I've not seen any examples of your prowess at technology -- perhaps you're hiding it so we don't feel all jealous. . .

And by denying the existence of degree programs at IIT which are clearly on their website, you just show how ignorant you are about your own school -- not a glowing statement of your world class status.

Again, supply some links to the claims you're making about IIT grads being so tech savvy -- not opinions, but actual technology.

We're waiting . . .

---------------------------------

Till the Time there are more people like you.. All I can say " GOD Bless " ....

and usually when in doubt. try American media.. and well.. Wikipedia..

ajay

[James]

This would be funnier if Thomas Jefferson actually had participated in writing the Constitution.

He was in France at the time.

So he couldn't really have put any descriptions in the Constitution.

Sorry to spoil the fun.

[gr8hands]

Sorry, all you IITans, but I've not seen any examples of your prowess at technology -- perhaps you're hiding it so we don't feel all jealous. . .

And by denying the existence of degree programs at IIT which are clearly on their website, you just show how ignorant you are about your own school -- not a glowing statement of your world class status.

Again, supply some links to the claims you're making about IIT grads being so tech savvy -- not opinions, but actual technology.

We're waiting . . .

[man friday]

Don't know if you read these Scott, but here's a good idea for a comic.

A manager is telling a client about the proficiency and self sufficiency of his organisation. the client asks if he can borrow a stapler. The manager says "Sure, Let me just call our BPO in India and find out where they are."

[Ajay Mishra]

The only things we ( Americans) wouldnt want to outsource to India - IItans - whatever, are:

1. porn
2. use of God
3. anything that can be labeled as Texas or Texan
4. Soctt Adam's Dilbert

Everything else is fair game. Granted, there would be a learning curve, but we have IITans working at Mckinsey and other elite consulting comapnies - they wear a badge called -'I belong to the change management practice'

Hope it helps
ajay

PS: I think it was 80s.. where we had "Debbie does Dallas' - Now its your turn Scott - you can have a whole series .. how about 'Ajay does WorldCom'; 'Vijay does Texas' -- etc

[P]

This suggestion doesn't go anywhere NEAR far enough. Why shouldn't the US Gov take a leaf out of so many companies books and actually outsource the legislators? Each Senator/Congressman would have his Indian "shadow" and pass on all his knowledge about his job then be pensioned off or offered a job as a road sweeper/garbage operative. I'm sure the Indians will be equally skilled, and debates can as easily be held in Chennai/Mumbai as in Washington. Elections could cause a problem I suppose, but then again you have an election, the victorious candidate immediately hands over to the Indian "shadow" and goes off to collect some garbage. All the money saved on salaries and pensions can then buy another couple of smart bombs.

[Ajay Mishra]

This is something Only Scott has an authority to comment on: ( this related to vested interests)

But here its is.. for those who are talking of 'interests' ( ref: quotes about Mexico and Canada).

1. The worst thing you can say to a Canadian IS?? - If you are guessing ; try this : "ARE YOU AMERICAN?" :)

2. According to some Poll ( made it was Pew - its hard to know who) Scott would know for sure. Well, if he didnt know he can fake it anyway. I think Only two nationalities ( Bush calls them FOLKS): Like americans more than not - Drum rolls please : Indians and Well, I think it was the Ploish folks.. !

Scott GO

Ajay

[Ajay Mishra]

Some here have made erroneous statements> Two notables ones being:

1. IITans cant start a company

2. IIT does not have nobel prize winners.

See my responses ( as an ex IIT an)"

For 1:

A: where to begin ? How about this small 'lil data: Around 30 % or more companies started in the Valley - according to some stats - only Scott would know - were started by IITans

B: Says who?

C: where the fuck did you get that from?

For 2 :

(i) IIT is for 3 things : First: IIT = Engineering ( If u are still guessing, there are no Nobel prizes given in Engg) Second: IIT = UG + Fly to the US of A ( most do an MBA, and a few start companies in the Valley) Third: Its cultural dispositions: Long time ago, I heard ( when I landed as an immigrant in the USA ) The following:

Jews - are into Finance and Media ( ditto for Hollywood)

Irish guys _ like to Police

Pakistanis - own gas stations

Modeling = Eastern European

High Fashion = Italian + French

Wines comes from -- well.. not Vietnam and India :)

SO the point is ( finally) : We dont do Nobel prizes .. we do TECHNOLOGY ( Think Valley) and We do 3 more things:

A. Consulting
B. Banking
C. ITES

Hope it helps

ajay mishra

[Ajay Mishra]

hey Scott, and Well fellow IITans..

First of all, it was my request that Scott writes about IITans :) Thanks Scott

Second, everything can be done by IITans.. BUT I must contend that in 40 years, we havent produced anyone as cool, smart and slick as an ex - 'cubicle guy at HP - some call him Scott Adam" .. Mot know him as DILBERT !

Third : SCOTT RULES

Ajay

[Mike]

Scott,

Your use of "Go" at the end of each blog instantly brings to mind John Cleese's character in "Rat Race". If you haven't seen it, I can recommend the first 30 minutes where the contest is explained and begun in multiple attepmts.

Now "Go!"

[Kevin]

Let me restate that plan.

1. Our politicians are jerks and act corruptly nearly 100 percent of the time.

2. Any other solution is probably better.

3. Let's ask someone chosen at random.

I think this has what I call a 'subtraction'
error -- by which I mean that you are deciding
our government stinks by comparing it to (i.e.
subtracting from) X. People who make such
comparisons usually mean X to be 'the level of
quality a reasonably person would expect'.

Like heart surgery, government is hard. Unlike
heart surgery, people think it is easy, because
they vote for people who have similar opinions
to theirs, and so the apparent skill that is
needed to be elected is to have high quality
opinions.

This is like picking a heart surgeon who "has
the same feelings on medicine that I do". If
that's true, what exactly did he go to medical
school for?

It's something like the difference between
finding a reassuring doctor and a doctor that is
actually talented. In politics, we can't find
the second so we look for the first. Some of
us don't know the difference. I think this is
called "emotional intelligence".

Kevin

[CJ]

Thomas Jefferson didn't write the Constitution. He wrote, for the most part, the Declaration of Independence.

But an intriguing idea. Maybe Canada would be a better outsourcing fit. They're pretty much America II. And we could be their consultant.

[Almost Lucid (Brad)]

It's not that their recommendations wouldn't be factually correct and benefit the US greatly, it's the social intricacies that they can't understand or plan for. You don't get 300 million people to do something willingly (or at least without protest) unless you understand how to make them like it. That's the edge that politicians have.

We need a system where unbiased 3rd parties make plans, and politicians sell it. I see you were going down that road, but the road ends abruptly in your argument about how to make 60 year old white men sell a brown 25 year-old's plan for the reform of America.

[dvrajeev]

iit has a good entrance system ,so people who join iit are really the cream of the system.

But this cream are not good decision makers as most of them are from middle class.they would like to earn money by working for others rather than starting a own company.

[Fred]

I don't know if it's optimal government, but it's likely to be an improvement.

[Brad K.]

And how do you propose to let voting citizens know what the Indian recommendations are? The pure, uninterpreted original source recommendations? The un-pirated recommendations, not the similar-looking alternative rendition that opponent lobbyists would pander, claiming to be the 'true' original?

On the other hand, one solution would be to look at why the long terms of office, 2 years in the House of Representatives, 6 years in the Senate. At the time of the constitution, it took months to gather the votes (as in, 2nd week in November to January. With electronic reporting and modern transportation, that period, barring judicial or organized weasel interference, is not 1-2 weeks, including recounts. Let's change term of office for HoR to 3 months, Senate to a year. No one would have a chance to really settle in, voters would be able to express an interest 8 times as often, and timing would defeat the years-long delays, such as passing the October budget in June.

Anyone failing an election by more that 65% would be barred from running again for 2 years.

Only an incumbent would be permitted to run for office while serving in state, local, or federal government. None of the absent-senator crap where you don't know if the bimb- uh, speaker, is a Senator representing people that support her, or a President contender involved in a weasel-pissing contest. And why should the folks back how lose their full-time senator when campaign season has stretched longer than 6 months.

Unless we make it illegal for any candidate for office to accept any contribution in kind or cash prior to 6 months before the election. And primaries would not count as elections, they are social thingies that some people want to do, why should the nation put up with paying for local social thingies? A candidate is a candidate or not.

All campaign contributions should be audited (from India), mis-used funds should be felonies and prosecuted, and any dollars left over the day of the election should be confiscated for the Federal Government general fund. None of this saving stuff for the next election, worrying about it being frittered away. Let the Feds fritter the cash away.

Audit all lobbyists. Any time any value changes hands, indict the lobbyist and the weasels involved for abuse of office. And prosecute. Use lawyers from India.

Watch for 'unsolicited' campaign shenanigans. Like , wow, the labor unions and organized crime (sorry if that sounds redundant) just, like, happened to think they needed to say something nasty about a Democrat's opponent. Duh! Count all that value into the campaign audit, someone might have bribed a waiter at the opponent's fund raiser dinner.

But then, if you want to outsource government, why not to Mexico? They have the most at stake, here. Or maybe China, according to some recent undocumented visitors from other lands, that just happen to prefer to keep their names and presence out of official notice. Or, if China and Mexico have too much at stake, what about Cuba? They seem like nice folks, many of them.

[Kilgore Trout]

Dear Roy D Mylote

Do not be such a retard.

KT

[Diana W]

I like the concept, but I'd suggest that we let our own colleges and universities on the deal. For any significant policy idea they generate that get's adopted and successfully implemented, that university gets a nice funding bonus, say the equivalent of 5 years of their current research budget. That would help improve the caliber of our own institutions and keep some of the money here.

[ferret faced backwoods rifle toting idiot]

I didn't read all the moronic comments you attract so if somebody has already pointed out that you effectively outsourced your government in the last two elections, so what?