Spotting Trends

I'm good at spotting trends. For example, yesterday I was at a hotel pool and
saw an older guy with a ponytail and a hairy chest. He was a generally hairy
guy. But his back was evidently shaved. Except for. . . Wait for it. . .

A back beard.

It was more of a goatee, actually. Right in the middle of his back. It was hip
and stylish, I thought, as I hurled into my towel.

I had to look several times to be sure my eyes were not deceiving me. God, I
wish they had been. Yes, it was a back beard, not an extension of the ponytail,
not a birthmark, not a shadow. A frickin' back beard.

I suppose a person grows that sort of thing to get attention. It worked. I tried
looking at other things, but it was physically impossible. I will try to explain
my feeling with an analogy: It was like watching Satan humping a porcupine
without lubrication. Horrible, yet impossible to look away.

So if you asked me about my holiday time in the sun, I would not recall the nice
weather, the charming people, or the sights. All I would remember is a porcupine
being violated by a flaming devil dong, or something just like it.

I hated myself for wondering if he trims it himself or if he has an accomplice
in this crime against humanity. And what would it take to get someone to trim a
back beard? I assume that money and threats of physical harm would not be
enough. No, somewhere there is a trimmer of back beards who has a relative in a
small windowless prison. And not just a cousin, because I think we'd all let a
cousin die to avoid trimming a back beard.

But back to my original point -- I don't see back beards becoming a trend.

Comments

[sirgorash]

A back beard? Or a sweat-catcher? ^^

Do you play Worms? --> http://normalnonoobs.sytes.net

[DC Madman]

Reminds me of a fellow hairy-backed sailor during my time in the navy. Navy rules dictated hair should be tapered on the back of the neck. The intent was to go from nothing at the base of the neck gradually getting longer going up the neck. This guy shaved his head and tapered it down to his furry back.

[Beth]

You apparently haven't spent much time in West Virginia during a 100+ degree heat wave. Back beards are quite common. Although most of the rednecks sporting this little fashion "trend" don't bother to trim. All one sees is an unruly bush just below the neckline. At first you believe the man has a full back beard, but no. He takes his shirt off and you see the matted neckline hair with a smooth back. After writing this, I feel the need to find a redneck to prove it exists.

[S@ns S@nity]

The Satan humping a porcupine reminds me of a South Park episode called Woodland critter christmas in which Lady Porcupiny the Porcupine gave birth to the son of Satan. Beary the bear says "Who else will have sex with a porcupine you fool?"

Funny though..

[Gordon Mullan]

Agree with the spina bifida occulta comment - I have it, and I have a very neatly demarcated patch of hair in the small of my back.

I do shave it from time to time, when I can be bothered, and but it used to wig out my school friends in the changing rooms.

One not-very-bright kid in particular used to tease me about it until I told him it was contagious - he stayed well away from me after that...

[SH]

The guy could have Spina Bifida Occulta - one of the presentations being well demarcated hair growth around the area of the spinal lesion. More power to the fella for making a style statement with it if that's the case. We can all only work with what we've got (or are prepared to bolt on).

[Jack Xu]

Do you suppose that back beard is precisely the part he can't reach when he showers himself?

[Gleetnorx]

Coincidentally, I was just reading a blog by some guy serving in Afghanistan the other day in which he described a conversation with his Afghani interpreter.
They were comparing religious practices when the Afghani mentioned that as part of his Friday prayer trip, he always shaves his underarms and legs. Turns out to be a religious requirement for them.
...Seems they all do it.

But yea, I'd stay away from men sporting backbeards.
That's just too weird.

[npanth]

I was relaxing on a cruise a few years ago when something similar crossed my path. I say similar in that it was completely different, but I yacked into my umbrella drink just the same. what's worse? A back beard, or an emaciated 85 year old in a string bikini carrying her colostomy bag around the pool? I'm not trying to top your story, but obviously I didn't kill nearly enough brain cells on that trip to erase the image, and now I have to do some more liquid surgery to get rid of this new horror ;)

[David W. Robertson]

If I recall correctly, Dogbert's rulebook on etiquette* requires the man with the back beard to move to the Himalayas and live as a Yeti.

[*Why is it called "etiquette"? Because it sounds so French.]

[Jay.W]

I was struck by the utter weirdness of a guy on the beach that had shaved or waxed his chest save for a very feminine looking V of hair right in the middle of his chest. Odd enough, but damn freakin' freaky when I realised his (clearly very close) 2 friends with him had done exactly the same thing !

it will catch on about as well as your guy.

i only hope for their sakes it was some stag/bachelor thing and not an attempt at changing the course of follicular fashion.

[Leora]

Now that my father is older and can't see well (and mom isn't too sharp-eyed either), I get the job of trimming his nose hairs. It's just as much fun as it sounds, yes, though it falls short of full-friction satanic bestiality (or so I assume).

I'd like to think I'd draw the line at shaving him a back beard, but I'd probably just tell him I 'slipped' with the shaver and took it all off.

The things one does for loved ones...from whom one stands to inherit.

[Yuriy]

Jeez, Scott, thanks for both sets of the imagery!

[Not-So-Hairy Back]

How dare you mock me??? Do you know how much work it takes to trim it??? At least my plan worked and you noticed me, but I had hoped you would ask me to your room.

[The Dan]

Now let me get this straight- Are you suggesting I stop with the back beard I currently have in progress?!

[bayma]

I can't believe you advocate violating helpless little animals without the aid of lubrication! We here at FLFHLFA (Free Lube For Helpless Little Forest Animals) think you should educate yourself with some literature...and free lube.

[Ian Clark]

Now that you made this post be wary of people who have porcupines for pets. You might have sparked an idea among the degenerate.

It makes me wonder how face/body piercing got started. Did some guy in his garage who was sitting around stoned with some friends say "Hey dude.. like.. shove this nail through my eyebrow. No no, it's cool man.. I like.. saw this on national geographic man". Months later we have a de"generation" of kids with stuff in there face and anywhere else that looks like it needs some extra metal.

A back beard may be closer than you think. Worse, imagine the variations! Guys with many body piercings walking around the beach with thongs to show off their but beards. Keep your towel handy.

[Musk]

omg1 I am making ass of myself laughing like hell here surrounded by people..they must read this..
-P

[im.the.man]

The backbeard guy is actually for rent. Companies can pay to have their logo or message shaved into his back.

[LA Clay]

Sweater by Darwin!

[LA Clay]

Funny, but not quite as weird as a merkin.

[Alan]

flaming devil dong - i have just sprayed my PC with coffee. I stopped reading during work time because the chocking sounds I made trying not to laugh out loud in work made my collegues wonder if I was all there mentally. Now I cant read it in break times either because ofthe coffee I waste.

keep up the good work, this is fantastic stuff.

[Oli]

I hope it doesnt catch on, im early 20s and still have trouble at teh 'beard' stage. If back beards came into style I would be royaly screwed.

http://ramblingsofanofficeworker.blogspot.com

[Josh]

Where did all the old archives go? I miss them..

[QwkDrw]

There is also some speculation that men with little or no body hair are actually artificially alive -- not deserving life, by the laws of natural selection.