Spotting Trends

I'm good at spotting trends. For example, yesterday I was at a hotel pool and
saw an older guy with a ponytail and a hairy chest. He was a generally hairy
guy. But his back was evidently shaved. Except for. . . Wait for it. . .

A back beard.

It was more of a goatee, actually. Right in the middle of his back. It was hip
and stylish, I thought, as I hurled into my towel.

I had to look several times to be sure my eyes were not deceiving me. God, I
wish they had been. Yes, it was a back beard, not an extension of the ponytail,
not a birthmark, not a shadow. A frickin' back beard.

I suppose a person grows that sort of thing to get attention. It worked. I tried
looking at other things, but it was physically impossible. I will try to explain
my feeling with an analogy: It was like watching Satan humping a porcupine
without lubrication. Horrible, yet impossible to look away.

So if you asked me about my holiday time in the sun, I would not recall the nice
weather, the charming people, or the sights. All I would remember is a porcupine
being violated by a flaming devil dong, or something just like it.

I hated myself for wondering if he trims it himself or if he has an accomplice
in this crime against humanity. And what would it take to get someone to trim a
back beard? I assume that money and threats of physical harm would not be
enough. No, somewhere there is a trimmer of back beards who has a relative in a
small windowless prison. And not just a cousin, because I think we'd all let a
cousin die to avoid trimming a back beard.

But back to my original point -- I don't see back beards becoming a trend.

Comments

[RiRa]

Are you a girl?
Mogging about how people look like -- and that you are the one that are right...

[Kevin Kunreuther]

Is it a mere coincidence that you posted your explanation of this experience on the 64th anniversary of the discovery of the hallucinogenic effects of LSD by the now 101 year old Albrt Hoffman (and as sharp as a whip)?

[Bytesage]

Not my type ... I like them toned tan and hairless 'cept for a bit at the crotch :)

[Cat]

Okay, now that was just disgusting. I didn't need to read that first thing in the morning right before my midterm!! Gaaah!

[Blip]

The man may have had some form of localized hypertrichosis, possibly in combination with a birthmark known as a hairy nevus.

[EB]

Maybe that area of his back is where his hair grows back the fastest. Or he is part of a team and together their backs spell something and the beard is a fat exclamation and the dot then must be down ... oh, sorry.

[Jedi Kevin]

He's obviously going for the back-hair-comb-over.

[pete]

two things: 1: i laughed very hard at this post and 2: the meal i was eating has come to an abrupt end.

[mospeada]

I agree with your analysis of your hallucination.

[Roni]

a "shoe salesman" would trim it

[Nicki Lagrange]

still, better a back-beard trimmer than a back, crack and sack waxer

[Matt B]

Maybe he comes from Albuquerque?

You know - where anyone on the street will glady shave your back for a nickel...

Ok - so I don't personally verify all of Wierd Al's claims...

[Krispy]

maybe he does shave his back by himself, and that's just a part he can't reach? =P

[synapticmisfires]

I would assume that after a certain amount of years of back shaving one gets fatigued and says, "uh, fuck it, I'm leaving that spot, maybe I can pass it off as a mullet." Are you sure that it was a human and not a badly shaved ape?

[engsci]

HAHAHAHAHA
very nice post!

[niCk(MemBeth)]

Doesn't your blog host let you post pictures???? We need to see it for ourselves.

That would go over very well, and be copied and e-mailed all over the place, just like you like.

[Afif]

My man, this is your lucky day cause you're like tagged!

Visit my blog for details...

[Billy B]

The world gets a tick more crazy everyday. Your post alone could start such a trend.
Billy B

[Some Moist Robot]

Somewhere someone is hallucinating that Scott said he wears a back beard (and humps porcupines without lube...would lube help in that case though?).

[Ken Primer]

I'm pretty furry myself, I have my wife shave my neck once a month. I'm really looking forward to my summer vacation in Japan in which I'll have the opportunity to display my foreign hairiness at the hot spring. Just watch them get out as Sasquatch approaches.

[heynoni]

It will become a trend as soon as someone sees a "sexual" use for it, just like tongue-studs.

eg: it is "hump-handle" - Something for the ladies to hang on to.

[Roger]

Is this a free will thing?

[bugsplat]

maybe it was the part of his back that he couldnt shave himself, and therefore he didnt know he had a back-beard. I dont know which is worse.

[Luigi Stugotz]

Did he also have a Dick Van Dyke?

I'm here all week folks....try the veal.

[TrevOverT]

I wonder if that could have been Backbeard the Pirate... He seemed old enough.