I'm good at spotting trends. For example, yesterday I was at a hotel pool and
saw an older guy with a ponytail and a hairy chest. He was a generally hairy
guy. But his back was evidently shaved. Except for. . . Wait for it. . .
A back beard.
It was more of a goatee, actually. Right in the middle of his back. It was hip
and stylish, I thought, as I hurled into my towel.
I had to look several times to be sure my eyes were not deceiving me. God, I
wish they had been. Yes, it was a back beard, not an extension of the ponytail,
not a birthmark, not a shadow. A frickin' back beard.
I suppose a person grows that sort of thing to get attention. It worked. I tried
looking at other things, but it was physically impossible. I will try to explain
my feeling with an analogy: It was like watching Satan humping a porcupine
without lubrication. Horrible, yet impossible to look away.
So if you asked me about my holiday time in the sun, I would not recall the nice
weather, the charming people, or the sights. All I would remember is a porcupine
being violated by a flaming devil dong, or something just like it.
I hated myself for wondering if he trims it himself or if he has an accomplice
in this crime against humanity. And what would it take to get someone to trim a
back beard? I assume that money and threats of physical harm would not be
enough. No, somewhere there is a trimmer of back beards who has a relative in a
small windowless prison. And not just a cousin, because I think we'd all let a
cousin die to avoid trimming a back beard.
But back to my original point -- I don't see back beards becoming a trend.
Are you a girl?
Mogging about how people look like -- and that you are the one that are right...
Posted by: RiRa | April 15, 2007 at 11:23 PM
Is it a mere coincidence that you posted your explanation of this experience on the 64th anniversary of the discovery of the hallucinogenic effects of LSD by the now 101 year old Albrt Hoffman (and as sharp as a whip)?
Posted by: Kevin Kunreuther | April 15, 2007 at 10:40 PM
Not my type ... I like them toned tan and hairless 'cept for a bit at the crotch :)
Posted by: Bytesage | April 15, 2007 at 10:39 PM
Okay, now that was just disgusting. I didn't need to read that first thing in the morning right before my midterm!! Gaaah!
Posted by: Cat | April 15, 2007 at 10:27 PM
The man may have had some form of localized hypertrichosis, possibly in combination with a birthmark known as a hairy nevus.
Posted by: Blip | April 15, 2007 at 09:17 PM
Maybe that area of his back is where his hair grows back the fastest. Or he is part of a team and together their backs spell something and the beard is a fat exclamation and the dot then must be down ... oh, sorry.
Posted by: EB | April 15, 2007 at 09:05 PM
He's obviously going for the back-hair-comb-over.
Posted by: Jedi Kevin | April 15, 2007 at 09:01 PM
two things: 1: i laughed very hard at this post and 2: the meal i was eating has come to an abrupt end.
Posted by: pete | April 15, 2007 at 08:29 PM
I agree with your analysis of your hallucination.
Posted by: mospeada | April 15, 2007 at 08:24 PM
a "shoe salesman" would trim it
Posted by: Roni | April 15, 2007 at 07:58 PM
still, better a back-beard trimmer than a back, crack and sack waxer
Posted by: Nicki Lagrange | April 15, 2007 at 07:58 PM
Maybe he comes from Albuquerque?
You know - where anyone on the street will glady shave your back for a nickel...
Ok - so I don't personally verify all of Wierd Al's claims...
Posted by: Matt B | April 15, 2007 at 07:18 PM
maybe he does shave his back by himself, and that's just a part he can't reach? =P
Posted by: Krispy | April 15, 2007 at 06:59 PM
I would assume that after a certain amount of years of back shaving one gets fatigued and says, "uh, fuck it, I'm leaving that spot, maybe I can pass it off as a mullet." Are you sure that it was a human and not a badly shaved ape?
Posted by: synapticmisfires | April 15, 2007 at 06:46 PM
HAHAHAHAHA
very nice post!
Posted by: engsci | April 15, 2007 at 06:44 PM
Doesn't your blog host let you post pictures???? We need to see it for ourselves.
That would go over very well, and be copied and e-mailed all over the place, just like you like.
Posted by: niCk(MemBeth) | April 15, 2007 at 05:47 PM
My man, this is your lucky day cause you're like tagged!
Visit my blog for details...
Posted by: Afif | April 15, 2007 at 05:40 PM
The world gets a tick more crazy everyday. Your post alone could start such a trend.
Billy B
Posted by: Billy B | April 15, 2007 at 05:22 PM
Somewhere someone is hallucinating that Scott said he wears a back beard (and humps porcupines without lube...would lube help in that case though?).
Posted by: Some Moist Robot | April 15, 2007 at 05:18 PM
I'm pretty furry myself, I have my wife shave my neck once a month. I'm really looking forward to my summer vacation in Japan in which I'll have the opportunity to display my foreign hairiness at the hot spring. Just watch them get out as Sasquatch approaches.
Posted by: Ken Primer | April 15, 2007 at 05:14 PM
It will become a trend as soon as someone sees a "sexual" use for it, just like tongue-studs.
eg: it is "hump-handle" - Something for the ladies to hang on to.
Posted by: heynoni | April 15, 2007 at 05:09 PM
Is this a free will thing?
Posted by: Roger | April 15, 2007 at 04:39 PM
maybe it was the part of his back that he couldnt shave himself, and therefore he didnt know he had a back-beard. I dont know which is worse.
Posted by: bugsplat | April 15, 2007 at 04:20 PM
Did he also have a Dick Van Dyke?
I'm here all week folks....try the veal.
Posted by: Luigi Stugotz | April 15, 2007 at 04:11 PM
I wonder if that could have been Backbeard the Pirate... He seemed old enough.
Posted by: TrevOverT | April 15, 2007 at 04:07 PM