This Explains Everything

I’ve often noted that all of the world’s problems are caused by people who apparently enjoy making other people miserable. I know it sounds like one of those cynical observations I often make for humorous purposes, but I mean it literally. There’s no other explanation for why people put so much effort into making others miserable.

Now there’s evidence to back my theory. According to recent research, people with high testosterone (let’s call them assholes) literally get pleasure from making other people look unhappy.

http://www.ns.umich.edu/htdocs/releases/story.php?id=3209

I am sooooo jealous. Making other people unhappy is as easy as, well, eating and farting.

Unfortunately for me, I’m wired the other way. I’m only happy if I can make other people happy. And that’s obviously impossible, because as soon as you give someone what he or she wants, he or she immediately want more. It’s one of those “can’t get there from here” situations.

But pissing people off? That’s simple.

I imagine myself stranded with an asshole on an otherwise deserted island. I’d be trying to increase my happiness by pleasing the asshole. I’ll be all, “Can I build you a thatch hut”? Meanwhile, the asshole would be getting all of his happiness by frequently pointing to the horizon and yelling, “Look, a ship! Nah, just kidding!”

A week later, when I’ve finished building a thatch hut for the asshole, he’d look at it and say, “Was this built by a monkey? Where’s the formal dining room? You can’t expect me to eat all of my meals at the breakfast nook. Speaking of breakfast, I ate all of your coconuts while you were working.”

My point is that I shouldn’t waste my time complaining about the war in Iraq. All I need to do is increase my levels of testosterone until I can enjoy the unhappiness of others.

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