This Explains Everything

I’ve often noted that all of the world’s problems are caused by people who apparently enjoy making other people miserable. I know it sounds like one of those cynical observations I often make for humorous purposes, but I mean it literally. There’s no other explanation for why people put so much effort into making others miserable.

Now there’s evidence to back my theory. According to recent research, people with high testosterone (let’s call them assholes) literally get pleasure from making other people look unhappy.

http://www.ns.umich.edu/htdocs/releases/story.php?id=3209

I am sooooo jealous. Making other people unhappy is as easy as, well, eating and farting.

Unfortunately for me, I’m wired the other way. I’m only happy if I can make other people happy. And that’s obviously impossible, because as soon as you give someone what he or she wants, he or she immediately want more. It’s one of those “can’t get there from here” situations.

But pissing people off? That’s simple.

I imagine myself stranded with an asshole on an otherwise deserted island. I’d be trying to increase my happiness by pleasing the asshole. I’ll be all, “Can I build you a thatch hut”? Meanwhile, the asshole would be getting all of his happiness by frequently pointing to the horizon and yelling, “Look, a ship! Nah, just kidding!”

A week later, when I’ve finished building a thatch hut for the asshole, he’d look at it and say, “Was this built by a monkey? Where’s the formal dining room? You can’t expect me to eat all of my meals at the breakfast nook. Speaking of breakfast, I ate all of your coconuts while you were working.”

My point is that I shouldn’t waste my time complaining about the war in Iraq. All I need to do is increase my levels of testosterone until I can enjoy the unhappiness of others.

Comments

[patti]

Hmmmmmmm, Are you saying that it is probably better to be a Hemorrhoid than Preparation H? ...patti

[seo]

seo

[bingo!]

Jerry W, what ARE you talking about?? Did you do human biology at school? No? Have you got a clue? Also no, I presume...

Prior to the onset of menstruation, FEMALE sex hormones, oestrogen and progesterone levels drop, meaning there is a HIGHER ratio of testosterone than usual... not NO testosterone.

[beano]

[And here's to Americans screwing up the English language. It's, like, totally rad when I see illiterates trying to express their opinions, and spelling "Schaden-Froid" like it's something they heard somewhere. There are more examples I could use, but that would involve work finding them.
Anyway, most of you need to learn spelling. Then you might be able to graduate on to grammar and its usage.]

"need to learn spelling"??? Surely you mean "need to learn to spell"? Maybe you should have graduated onto grammar before picking on spelling mistakes... o_O

[notralph]

Reading this article, it is possible to come up with other viable explanations. ie. Perhaps people with hig testosterone are motivated by fear and disproval and a desire for success. They might read the "angry face" as a sign that they are doing a poor job, and need to do better, and the "happy face" as a marker of success. Then they would learn the sequences with the angry face better, because they would be motivated to improve.

I'm not sure how that holds up, as they were unaware that they were learning the sequences - the experiment was not set up that way. But there are many ways to interpret the data!

[will]

Yes I agree sad to see this happening. but I guess its a type of motivation to them.

[elmindreda]

That explains a lot (and that's not even touching the feminist aspects of it).

[malignor]

What if you derive pleasure from setting fire to people? Must be a gland for that too.

[Isaac]

I'm sure I'm not the first one to say this, but truly, I would give you that hummer. But then I also don't have kids and don't plan to change that. I also walk to work.

So really, on the surface, I should get a hummer too. Who do we talk to about this?

[Paul]

Um... I read the article, and any reference to pleasure is not backed up by the research. People remembered a keypress sequence better when shown an angry face. Perhaps a happy face would have had the same result? Anything else in that article is purely irresponsible conjecture on the part of the researcher.

Whenever reading science, the important thing is the results, not the postulations of the experimenter. That's where old wive's tales come from.

[Yuriy]

Reminds me of a recent My Name is Earl episode where a humongous jerk became a saint when his balls were mangled, and years later became a humongous jerk again after a surgery corrected the problem.

[RJP]

[Unfortunately for me, I’m wired the other way. I’m only happy if I can make other people happy.]

Wow -- you are soooo delusional.

I love your work and your blog, but this line took me aback. I guess it demonstrates how differently we see ourselves.

[RJP]

[Unfortunately for me, I’m wired the other way. I’m only happy if I can make other people happy.]

Wow -- you are soooo delusional.

I love your work and your blog, but this line took me aback. I guess it demonstrates how differently we see ourselves.

[Diana W]

Studies have also shown that a very high percentage of prisoners incarcerated for violent crimes have higher than normal levels of testosterone. In order to rehabilitate them, the obvious course of action would be to do something to reduce their hormone production before releasing them back into society.

[JST]

"...because as soon as you give someone what he or she wants, he or she immediately want more. It’s one of those “can’t get there from here” situations."

Mafia bosses figured this out a long time ago. That's why there is that whole expectation that the "family" will take care of the wives and children of anyone who gets killed. When you do something for a person, it's usually never enough and/or they tend to forget what you did for them after awhile. It's much easier to keep someone's loyality (i.e. keep them happy with you) with something you will do for them when the time comes.

[DanPrime47]

I first encountered this phenomenon when my mother married my stepfather. He would intentionally say something to someone (my mother and I took the brunt) to upset them and then try to make up for it by throwing money at it (on one side, not an altogether bad arrangement). But as I grew older, his comments took an alarmingly hurtful, negatively psychological tone. It's one thing to be called, "Funky Weener Beener" for being a bit overweight, but when he started with the, "You'll never amount to anything . . ." crappola, it started to get a little hurtful and the real tragedy was that no amount of money thrown at it would help. However, he always seemed to feel better about himself. I coined the term, "Emotional Vampire," once I was able to reason it out. Turns out, that at fourteen, I understood more about the world than he did at thirty-six. Coincidentally, because of him, I have the world's best BS filter . . . and can not only spot but deflect it from a mile away.

[Stuart Booth]

See I'd just wait until you wer 2/3 of the way through building the hut, then burn it down and sail off in the boat I had hidden - I'd need binoculars because I can imagine that watching you jumping up and down on the beach would be quite hilarious.

[DAN RATHER]

Certain moist robots are created to fuel the others. When people are unhappy they look for change and to solve problems. Luckily, these moist robot bullies rarely are happy when the unhappy succeed and turn happy they usually move on.

Use the naysayers as fuel. Everything has a purpose and any remnant was required for survival at some point. In short, people are software.

[Dogbert the Conquerer]

Schadenfreude.

[Boris]

Studies like this remind of a university department mentioned in one of Douglas Adams' "Hitchhiker" novels. Something like, "the Maximegalon University Department of Slowly and Painfully Working out the Extremely Obvious." So there are jerks who like making other people unhappy? Do tell.

Yes, yes, I realize that it's one thing to understand something based on everyday experience, and something else to quantify it under controlled conditions. Still, I doubt if this discovery is going to revolutionize our understanding of human behavior.

[Joshua Jacobsen]

The problem with scientific studies like this is that the wrong conclusions can be drawn. While the "asshole factor" is certainly a viable explanation for the results of the study, alternative explanations are also possible.

For instance, high-testosterone people may be people who enjoy challenges and solving puzzles. In that manner, they may enjoy fleeting looks of anger and frustration as an indication that someone is overcoming challenges. For that matter, sexual climate often seems to be accompanied by... rather stressed facial expressions.

Not that I'm advocating this interpretation... just pointing out some alternatives.

[naz]

And here's to Americans screwing up the English language. It's, like, totally rad when I see illiterates trying to express their opinions, and spelling "Schaden-Froid" like it's something they heard somewhere. There are more examples I could use, but that would involve work finding them.
Anyway, most of you need to learn spelling. Then you might be able to graduate on to grammar and its usage.

[Dalebert]

You don't enjoy making people angry? Are you saying that with a str8 face? It sure seems like you become absolutely gleeful at the thought of each new "No free will" post. I must admit I kind of enjoy those too. I just like to see how many comments are posted. I'm expecting the number to surpass the Dow average someday.

As for raising your testosterone, the most straight-forward method is to get more sex and/or masturbate a lot. Contrary to the myth that a lot of coaches and athletes perpetuate, the male orgasm causes your body to produce more testosterone. It's like natural and legal steroids. The guys that avoid sex before a big game are gimping themselves.

[locomotivebreath1901]

"All I need to do is increase my levels of testosterone until I can enjoy the unhappiness of others."

Uh, huh. Kinda like when saddam was in power and killed millions of iranians, kurds and iraqis. Perhaps he made fuel from those poor bast@rds.

~Where's my breakfast?

[Stevetype]

Perhaps you would enjoy the 3.23 "This American Life" - it's entitled "Allure of the Mean Friend."
http://www.thislife.org/Radio_Archive.aspx#4