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« Near Jokes | Main | Iraq Withdrawal Plan »



sure they wont mind if you call this bear mohammed


Look of course i can eat an entire pack of Bourbons in one go

beat this one!!!!

(at a slipknot concert) MCR Rock!!!!


Yeah, let's keep trying to be original....

* "Hey, look - it's the President! I'm gonna run up there and get him to sign my handgun!"

* "You'll give me a ride, Senator Kennedy? Gee, thanks!"

* "Hey, keep a lookout while I go behind these transformers and take a leak, will ya?

* "Hello? Why, yes, I AM home all alone, why do you ask?"

* "There, that should hold it..."

* "Oh, yeah? Well, whaddya gonna do about it, shoot me?"

* "Oooo, berries!"

* "Let's see how far out we can swim, Ready....go!"

David Eisenberg

You have to let the gas build up a bit before you strike the match (almost my lasts words once).

Don't worry. They are more scared of us than we are of them.

Don't worry. The government wouldn't let us do this if it wasn't safe.

Don't worry. They love Americans.

Don't worry. These things fly themselves.

Those "don't eat after" dates are just to get you to buy more of their stuff.

Why can't you mix it with alcohol?

What does v-e-n-o-m-o-u-s mean?

Great space man costume, dude.


Let's wrestle underwater for weights! - (actually suggested by a friend once at a pool in high school)


I know it's a bit pedantic but Dylan Thomas was Welsh not Irish (as previously stated). I tried to ignore it but i couldn't.


Last words

'Yep looks like it should of been the red one, you were right Phil...'

Also, what if on your deathbed you said some witty last words, then magically recovered? What would you do?

(If you're reading this Scott, then i admire your commitment)


When ur gf try to seduce u -
I aint gonna pee there, dont ask me to cum!!


Muh mmufmuh munmun muhmun ! (Kenny)


"I can drive, I've only had 18 beers"


"I,I think there was something in the sushi..."
"Oh officer this is YOUR wife..."
"Don't worry everything is under control."

Jon L.

(At summer camp) "I'll go check out the creepy noise in the maintenance shed by myself. I'll be right back."


These are real famous last words:

* "Pardonnez-moi, monsieur" -Antoinette, Marie, Queen of France stepping on the executioners foot.
* "No." -Bell, Alexander Graham on his deathbed when his wife whispered to him: "don't leave me"
* "You too, Brutus?" -Caesar, Julius Gaius
* "I am mortally wounded, I think" -Decatur, Stephen after loosing a duel.
* "I see that you have made three spelling mistakes." -Favras, Thomas de Mahay, Marquis de seeing his official death sentence while being led to the scaffold.
* "This is the Fourth?" -Jefferson, Thomas on his deathbed
* "Hold the cross high so I may see it through the flames!" -Joan of Arc
* "Go on, get out! Last words are for fools who haven't said enough!" -Marx, Karl when his housekeeper asked if he had any last words.
* "Why should I talk to you? I've just been talking to your boss." -Mizner, Wilson talking to the priest next to his deathbed.
* "I have a terrific headache." -Roosevelt, Franklin Delano


- You sure it's the red wire ?

- Aw aren't you a cute little guy ?

- Phew ! made it

- turn it up to 11

- Is that chuck norrris (im so sorry i know its so old)

- Yo hommie take off that white hood and pump the beats

Super Dave

Hey Bubba watch this!

John B

That's the last we'll ever see from him.

I bet I can catch that in my mouth.

Do you smell something...funny?

Just let me go back for my keys.

No! Don't run! Just play dead!

John B

My mom always said I was allergic to these, but I seem okay.


I drank what?



Such is Life.

Ned Kelly

Alan Jiménez

"Excuse me. Would you mind breaking that bottle you're holding, wave it in a threatening manner, creatively call me by several offensive names and stab me forty two times in the chest?"

Roby Bang

A correction on mine. On the last one I meant to say: "Wow, do ALL the belts in Iraq come with a little clock on them?"

~~Roby Bang


one time my dog peed on the couch but he didn't have any last words because he was a dog unless you count barking as words but barking doesnt mean anything so i dont know if it counts or not but anyway
"sure, i can shove a lollipop into my retina. they do it on TV all the time!"
those are real last words!!!!

scott adams please publish this i love you


"Shoulda got the lube off my hands before getting the knife."
"I'll show you I can eat 1000 pickles in 10 minutes."
"That chainsaw don't scare me, fru- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
"Ow, my blood."
"Bullfighting. Blindfolded. Nice idea, Drake."
"Yeah, put the security rope in front of the fuse box, Riiiight."


"I know you are here to kill me. Shoot, coward, you are only going to kill a man."

While I thoroughly despise Che Guevara - murderous, fascistic piece of human refuse that he was - at least he went out in style.

Patrick Lippert

From a 007 bad guy:
"OK, I shall tell you my evil plan, because you'll be dead anyways..."
"No, I'll take him out myself."
"Only five dollars more? Okay, throw in the self-destruct option on my master computer..."
"Yes, I will engage you in hand to hand combat, Mr. Bond..."

From his female companions:
"Okay James, but only one drink..." (the first woman James Bond sleeps with usually dies first...)

His henchmen:

"He's only one guy; how much trouble can he be?"
"We have him cornered, there's no way he'll escape this!"
"He's out of bullets, we got him now Bob! Uh, Bob..."

Normal people:

"50 is pretty good health score..."
"I don't care if you ARE in the WWF, I'm gonna kick your @$$!
"Yes, that dress DOES make you look fat..."
"The Crypts? that sounds like a stupid name to me..."
"We finished building this train all by ourselves, and look at all these spare parts!"
"This isn't Girls Gone Wild, this is some girl climbing out of a well..."
At an airport: "That's right, I work for Al Kayda..."
"Wow, do ALL the clocks in Iraq come with a little clock on them?"

~~Roby Bang


"Missed me! Missed me again! Can't you guys hit anything?"

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