Queen Protocol

Queen Elizabeth is coming to America for a little visit. Apparently we Americans have our panties in bunches trying to figure out the proper protocols.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18445710/

Luckily for you, I’m here to help. I’m not an “expert” in royal protocol, but most of this stuff is common sense. For example, when addressing the queen, you should call her “Your Majesty.” You should never address Queen Elizabeth with any of the following names:

Liz
Lisa
Beth
Your Hiney
Beeee-atch

When making small talk with the queen, do not try to be witty. The queen hates witty banter. Here are a few bons mots to avoid:

- Are you related to Queen Latifah?

- How’s that taxation without representation look to you now?

- How far can Prince Charles glide with those ears?

- Ask me about my Yankee doodle.

- Would you like some tea? It’s at the bottom of the Boston Harbor.

- So what exactly is your job description, aside from being Tony Blair’s fluffer?

You should also never ask the queen if you can try on her hat. But if you do, and she lets you, it’s a big mistake to take it to the next level and do your impression of her scolding the staff.

If you plan to give the queen a gift, there are some items you should steer clear of. For example, she’s traveling with her husband, Prince Philip, so it would be bad form to give her a t-shirt that says, “I’m with stupid.” He already feels bad enough.

In fact, gag gifts of any kind are out. If you are unsure whether your gift fits into the gag category, here are some clues:

- Anything involving a penis
- Anything activated by clapping, especially if it sings
- Anything involving an 8-ball
- Anything with the phrase “You want it WHEN?”

If you have to pass gas when the queen visits, wait until someone sounds a trumpet and time it accordingly. If, inexplicably, there are no trumpets, blame someone on the queen’s staff. In a loud, sarcastic voice, look at him and say, “We saved you from Hitler, and you give us that. Well, I guess we’re even.”

For the guys, if you need to reach down your pants and adjust your junk while standing in line to shake hands with the queen, that’s okay. She wears gloves for exactly that reason. I’m sure she brings an extra trunk of them when she visits America.

That’s all the royal protocol I know. Do you have anything to add?

Comments

[Angie]

I thought there was a war fought so we didn't have to bow to visiting monarchs.

My bad.

[the Patriot]

well what was she here for, Im sure not just for a visit. hmmmm?, I wonder if she was here to forgive us of our national debt? since we owe so much to the mother.... country

[Paul C]

Ah for the American system of a democratically elected president, which rules out the possibility of a known idiot and incompetent getting to be Head of State for no better reason than one of his parents used to have the job.....

...this line of reasoning has just run into a snag, or perchance a Bush

[Mrs. A]

So when I bumped into her at the Kentucky Derby I wasn't supposed to say, "Hey, Liz! Howzit hangin'?"? Or, "Geez, where'dja get that hat? KMart?" I feel so silly now.

[justin]

is interesting to read these posts on WWII history. the reason to study history is to use it to see where are are going in the future.

The entry of the US into the war was a little more complicated than a kneejerk reaction to pearl harbor. Roosevelt was already looking for a way to fight hitler, and was goading the nazis in terms of atacking u-boats and generally supplying the british with lend lease.

One of the reasons the US was not really taken seriously by either japan or hitler was that, at the start of WWII, the us army was similar in size to the army of bulgaria, and our military hardware was pathetic. We had nothing in terms of tanks or planes to compete with the german hardware, (in north africa american squadrons had to fly spitfires, and did so until 1944 when we had the mustang, which used an english engine). In 1939 england was the dominant power in the world, not the US. The us highway system is a copy of the autobahn. much of our early military might in the 50's came from imported skill and technology. The idea of the USA as a "superpower" is a fairly recent phenomenon. England used to run the world, now they're a side show. America is still powerful but it's mostly because of our credit rating. one of these days the national debt will come due (your share= >$25,000) and we will be the next england. some more history: rome was a great empire untilt he barbarians figured out that all they had to do was not defeat the roman army but knock down the viaducts. Any barbarians who cut off our oil viaducts can do the same anytime. chinese imports, anyone?

[Abhijeet]

ah if only good ol' dubya wud have read this!he does it again...this is what he did
“You helped our nation to celebrate its bicentennial in 17... 1976,” he said in his speech. As the crowd started laughing, he paused, turned to the Queen and winked at her!

:)

[Oli]

Haha Genius!

Im a Brit myself, so laughing at the queen is a regular pastime. Please remember that while re-arranging yourself before or after, fumbling your crotch whiel shaking hands with her could be easily misinterpritted, especially if you give a grunt of satisfaction when you finally get yourself into place.

http://ramblingsofanofficeworker.blogspot.com

[Listo Entertainment]

It's also recommended to avoid silly jokes like asking her tho sign your CDs of Freddy Mercury.

[Carlos]

How the hell did you save us from Hitler???????

Another example of you Yanks been so far up your own ass!

[Pablo]

winking at the queen isn't the done thing either

[Elvi]

One other thing you probably shouldn't bring up is this newswire story which seems to imply that she lives in a hive and lays a lot of eggs: http://www.regrettheerror.com/2006/10/reuters_typo_te.html

[Avo]

Why all the fuss about an old relic visiting America? I just don't get the 'fascination' or whatever it is that americans feel about royalty... Would you call that monarch envy?

[Credit]

Why all the fuss about an old relic visiting America? I just don't get the 'fascination' or whatever it is that americans feel about royalty... Would you call that monarch envy?

[John]

it's a good thing you americans don't pass down power through families like we do with our royal family, if that was the case the queen would be meeting the son of the guy in charge last time she visited.....

Ah well, at least its not as if someone could get into power just because their dad was...

[Don G]

If Hillary wins in '08 we will almost have our own monarchy thing going on. Our presidency for a couple decades would go Bush - Clinton - Bush - Clinton. We just need a marriage to cement the whole ordeal.

[patti]

Yeah. A simple curtsey will do .. or a simple bow.

Not a bow-wow.
Not a break-dance
Not a salami, salami...baloney

And..certainly not a pedicure or shoe-shine.
Please-a.. don't-a .. touch-a .. her feet-a .. if you grovel! ...okay?

.....Patti

___________

[Avielus]

@Andrew:

"We Canadians do not use extra vowels. It is not our fault that Noah Webster (an American) decided that most Americans were too stupid to know how to correctly spell and enunciate their words.

Colour, not Color. That pisses me off to know end."

I like your spelling too. You can spell "Enunciate", but not "no".

[elmindreda]

Huh?

[Xena]

anagrams of "queen protocol"

Conquer Ole Top

Con Prequel Too

[Sam D]

I have been told that you should always wear pants in front of royalty. Underpants too, but that should go without saying...

[JB Singh]

In extremely bad taste. I expect to enjoy your posts without your having to descend to the gutter level.

[Roby Bang]

In terms of gift ideas, it is in bad taste to give anything that ticks (i.e. a clock) to the queen, or for that matter, anything that can be interpreted as a bomb, and if you must, gift wrap is unnecessary. Other things include lighters that looks like a gun, Since it may cause some uproar. And if you MUST photograph the queen, please do not use American slang and say: "Oh, wait a minute, I just need to get shot of the queen real quick..." Use proper English to prevent misconceptions. For example, when greeting your friend Jack, say, "Greetings, Jack," or "Salutations, Jack," or even, "Hello, Jack," not the less formal, "Hi, Jack!" The British guard may not appreciate your colloqial English.

Cheerio, or Fruit Loop, or, Whatever,

~~Roby Bang

[TrevOverT]

Oliver should ask for more nutritous soup... the peoples's princess was an egotistical manipulative brat and Charles fell for it, at least now he has a Mummy that coddles him...

[Nick]

Why are you Americans so fixated on whether or not you won the war ? WW2 was an example of a "Coalition of the willing" actually working. For us to debate who played the most important role, who won etc is incredibly disrespectful to those who actually laid down their lives to beat the Nazis and the Japanese. My family lost three members fighting them but I dont feel that somehow we did more than any American, Canadian, Australian, Indian, Chinese etc etc families who lost their sons as well. Please grow up !!

[Michelle]

Poor Queen Elizabeth. She arrived in Lexington, KY yesterday to a massive crowd of admirers. All FIVE of them were interviewed as the "Big Story" on the news.