Who Will Kill all the Senior Citizens?

Recently I became immortal. It started a few months ago when I was doing some research on the Internet. And by research, I mean I clicked on a link that led me to another, then another, until I was reading something written by a stranger with no credibility. That’s how I learn.

Anyway, the stranger with no credibility was writing about some research done by another stranger with no credibility who was giving some chemicals to mice and dogs who themselves have no credibility. The chemical was resveratrol, an ingredient found in red wine. Apparently you don’t get enough of it by being a wino. You have to get it in concentrated form. I forget the details, but I think the first mouse that got the concentrated resveratrol lived 30% longer and started having an affair with Maria Shriver. One of the dogs with resveratrol got a bone and dug a hole so far into the earth he now lives with a family in Sumatra. And he’s so strong he can lick any balls he wants. No one dares stop him.

The reporter with no credibility asked the researcher who has no credibility if humans should take resveratrol. He said no. He wasn’t worried that it would cause harm, but there are no studies showing it would work in humans, and there was some doubt about delivering the chemical in pill form before it broke down and became ineffective. Then the reporter with no credibility asked the researcher with no credibility if he takes it himself. He said yes.

About thirty seconds later I found a web site that sells that shit and bought several pallets of it. I bought a brand called Longevinex because some other sources with no credibility said they might have solved the problem of keeping it from breaking down in pill form.

I’ve been taking the resveratrol for a few months. I don’t know if it’s working, but I got rid of my car. Now I go places by taking huge hops. And when people ask me questions I can’t answer, I kill them by squeezing their heads. Most important, I’ll add about thirty years to my life. Thirty years should bring me to the point where medical science can cure just about anything. If my arm falls off, I’ll inject some stem cells into the stump and grow a new one before dinner.

By then, there will be a lot of old people like me who refuse to die. They will also refuse to work. The immortal slackers will want to collect their pensions and Social Security until the sun turns into a cold dark thing about the size of a penny. No one foresaw immortality. Pension funds and Social Security are calculated on the hope that you will live an unhealthy lifestyle and take a dirt nap at 76. There simply won’t be enough money for all of the immortals.

So whose job will it be to kill all the senior citizens? Someone has to do it. You can bet that the people with jobs won’t want to hand over their paychecks to the lazy-ass immortals that do nothing but hop around town and talk about the squirrels on their lawn.

That’s why you should buy stock in life insurance companies. Those bastards will save a ton of money by never paying a claim. You can bet they’ll work some exclusion language into the policy that says something like “Does not include immortals that hop around town talking about squirrels until some guy working in a cubicle decides to take matters into his own hands.”

By the way, I remind you not to get your medical or financial advice from cartoonists.

Comments

[totally unrelated but good]

By Linda Carroll
MSNBC contributor
Updated: 6:08 p.m. ET June 1, 2007
It sounds like some perverse form of multitasking: sex while sleeping.

[rd]

not you
you make people laugh, it prolongs their lives
it possibly could be calculated how much extra lifetime you already contributed to humanity
not sure whether you should be thanked or taxed more for that
immortality vs reincarnation is my favourite topic to think about at leisure
when i was young i often thought after 35 it's not worth living, now when i passed that line, seems there is not much innate difference in living, the limit is now extended to f.e 50
which is somehow doubtful now after f.e seeing your photos, look at you - you are flourishing, blooming something or how it is called in english,
so probably 50 is still good to live and 76 may be really the best to reincarnate, willingly
f.e into a beautiful butterfly
just one day, and her life cycle is over, you may live other living creature's life
sounds so fun
just that turtle life is not very alluring, 300 yrs just crawling and crawling, occasionally swimming and laying eggs, so much boringly like human immortality

good night
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w-7BT2CFYNU

[Good Point]

"Now I go places by taking huge hops."

Strange, I have this re-occuring dream where I travel (mostly to work) by holding onto the bumpers of cars and jumping really high.

[John Elliot]

Entropy will do away with you pesky immortals sooner or later, if the sun doesn't do it first. Let's see your precious democracy override the universe's veto to your social security payments, Scott "The Eternal" Adams.

[Ron Hardin]

It doesn't look good so long as immortality is a negation.

[John C]

Scott,

Your Desk Calender Comic Today was Hysterical (Wally takes a Sexual Harrassment online class). Classic Wally!

Thanks for the laughs.

[Paul O]

Sadly, "it" seems to make people hallucinate, and makes them think they'll live longer than if they simply took care of themselves.

[Sam D]

So, wino's live longer? I always though they just looked old and were in reality young but all the hard living had caught up with them. Just goes to show you learn something useless everyday.

"The more you know." A public service announcement by Scott Adams.

[CSF]

I hope Bush read the last line of your blog....

[Fuzznsmoo]

You've dumped the car, but I'm waiting until you can dump the airplane. Then I'm in.

[jerry w.]

I think a better investment would be to scoop up (sorry) Depends stock. If you keep on living you'll keep on eating, if you keep on eating, you'll keep on leaving a trail behind you, perhaps "To infinity and beyond".......

No shit, I'm serious about this matter, even if it's fecal matter.

Oh yeah, try this one on for size, it's about free will:

http://www.jesusandmo.net/2007/02/05/cause/

[Padre]

I have found that alternative medicine is the answer. Now the key to this that alternative just means not what your culture is doing. In the US we cherish the eastern medicine and their wonderful holistic answers for everything from personal, spiritual, physical, to the mundane trivialities. And they seem to work and make everyone happy and postpone the visit from the reaper. However what happens over there when the red cross shows up with western medicine? they flock to it like locusts! Because by some cruel twist of fate medicine only works if it wasn't invented by you ancestors, but someone elses. Which makes sense when you think about it, if it really worked for your ancestors then they wouldn't be your ancestors they'd be your family and neighbors. So yeah that's what I have to say on that.
I think you're on the same track as Woody Allen when he said "I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying" Man's a genious!

[Sensible Machine]

1. Old people who are competing for resources will kill each other for food. This is what we call "the law of nature".

2. I support immortality. Furthermore, I want to be immortal (or just come near to it) so I take a lot of pills to survive the believers who want to die in favour of God.
I read forums like http://www.imminst.org/forum/index.php?s=&act=SF&f=6 and take a lot of vitamin C, EPA (omega 3 fatty acid), MSM, adaptogens, chelated minerals, melatonin, sprouts and seeds. And there are meds with proven (in rats) anti-aging effect like L-deprenyl (Selegiline) and DHEA...

Choose life.

[Ian]

I think tortoises have the best mix of mortality and immortality.

They hatch, then mature, and then they pretty much stay the same. At the end of their life, they suddenly go into a rapid decline and die. They stay pretty much like 26 year olds for their entire life.

I want to be a tortoise man. I'll put up with the jokes about my shell.

[Bill Weitze]

When you're squeezing people's heads, I'll bet you say "ADAMS . . . HUNGRY!"

[Lisa]

Thanks for the methane comic - "I give and I give" (complete with picture) will keep me laughing for a week.

[Jonathan A.]

you reminded me of the story of Tithonus. funny.

[Zachary Buckler]

Do you really use "Longevinex" Scott?

[Balkrishna Nadkarni]

Dirt nap........... lol

Considering the way the world is going, i'm gonna die in a fusion flamed fire.

Wonder if there is a pill which makes me fire retardent upto 10 million degrees.

Cheers

[Matt]

There's no way you will be able to keep Dilbert entertaining for that long.

[PatBOB]

So whose job will it be to kill all the senior citizens?
Sounds like a great job for Paris Hilton. Not too difficult, and she'd probably think its hot.

[bb]

[Package an obscure slow-acting
cumulative poison in pill form]

Or maybe in diet soda form (according to strangers with no credibility). Hmm...

You know they may be on to something. What would a smart, and devious, government do if it's social security system was headed for sure bankruptcy because of people living longer. It MIGHT let (or even encourage) an aguably dangerous substance, or many such substances, be put into the food supply, hoping that the result would be less people drawing social security. The only prerequisite would be, it has to do it slowly over many years, so as to be hard to pinpoint the cause.

Nah, we should trust our government, if the FDA approved it, it can't be dangerous. What do you think I am, a conspiracy nut?

[Jscott]

Dick Cheney

[Brad]

Don't worry so much. The pension you get (and SS) will not be adjusted for inflation. Your Social Security and pension benefit will soon be worth a Big Mac, fries and coke. You will get depressed, stop taking your miracle pills, take up parachuting out of airplanes with parachutes manufactured in Pakistan by extremist Islamic groups. It will all balance out eventually. Mother Nature or whatever you call it, will get things right (or not). Best not to worry too far in the future.

In the meantime, the guy across the street looks rather pissed at you for letting your dog pee on his flowers. You do know he has a concealed handgun permit?

[Deanj]

"By then, there will be a lot of old people like me who refuse to die. They will also refuse to work. The immortal slackers will want to collect their pensions and Social Security until the sun turns into a cold dark thing about the size of a penny."

You think that's the future? There are many people collecting welfare that do this already....