Recently I became immortal. It started a few months ago when I was doing some research on the Internet. And by research, I mean I clicked on a link that led me to another, then another, until I was reading something written by a stranger with no credibility. That’s how I learn.
Anyway, the stranger with no credibility was writing about some research done by another stranger with no credibility who was giving some chemicals to mice and dogs who themselves have no credibility. The chemical was resveratrol, an ingredient found in red wine. Apparently you don’t get enough of it by being a wino. You have to get it in concentrated form. I forget the details, but I think the first mouse that got the concentrated resveratrol lived 30% longer and started having an affair with Maria Shriver. One of the dogs with resveratrol got a bone and dug a hole so far into the earth he now lives with a family in Sumatra. And he’s so strong he can lick any balls he wants. No one dares stop him.
The reporter with no credibility asked the researcher who has no credibility if humans should take resveratrol. He said no. He wasn’t worried that it would cause harm, but there are no studies showing it would work in humans, and there was some doubt about delivering the chemical in pill form before it broke down and became ineffective. Then the reporter with no credibility asked the researcher with no credibility if he takes it himself. He said yes.
About thirty seconds later I found a web site that sells that shit and bought several pallets of it. I bought a brand called Longevinex because some other sources with no credibility said they might have solved the problem of keeping it from breaking down in pill form.
I’ve been taking the resveratrol for a few months. I don’t know if it’s working, but I got rid of my car. Now I go places by taking huge hops. And when people ask me questions I can’t answer, I kill them by squeezing their heads. Most important, I’ll add about thirty years to my life. Thirty years should bring me to the point where medical science can cure just about anything. If my arm falls off, I’ll inject some stem cells into the stump and grow a new one before dinner.
By then, there will be a lot of old people like me who refuse to die. They will also refuse to work. The immortal slackers will want to collect their pensions and Social Security until the sun turns into a cold dark thing about the size of a penny. No one foresaw immortality. Pension funds and Social Security are calculated on the hope that you will live an unhealthy lifestyle and take a dirt nap at 76. There simply won’t be enough money for all of the immortals.
So whose job will it be to kill all the senior citizens? Someone has to do it. You can bet that the people with jobs won’t want to hand over their paychecks to the lazy-ass immortals that do nothing but hop around town and talk about the squirrels on their lawn.
That’s why you should buy stock in life insurance companies. Those bastards will save a ton of money by never paying a claim. You can bet they’ll work some exclusion language into the policy that says something like “Does not include immortals that hop around town talking about squirrels until some guy working in a cubicle decides to take matters into his own hands.”
By the way, I remind you not to get your medical or financial advice from cartoonists.
Interesting comment from Aaron there..
Very constructive.
Aaron, get a life. If you don't like what's written down here, don't read it.
Posted by: Bjorn | June 25, 2007 at 03:56 AM
Hi Scott
People living longer and in the majority of cases in better health, so that today's seventy-year old has the health and liveliness that a fifty-year old would have had in 1945, when Britain introduced a welfare state. (including astate pensions for all)
How does today's (right of centre)British Government get around what it thinks of as the awful and far too left-wing decision made by its predecesor in 1945, but which it can't dare scrap, much as it would like to?
Answer: raise the retirement age for men from 65 to 70, (for women from 60 to 67), thus screwing at least another five years of National Insurance (employment tax) out of us and making a net gain, before it has to start paying out retirement pensions (net loss).
Always assuming you can stay in employment to age seventy. and at the same time, cutting back on healthcare servies to the unlucky minority of the elderly who succumb to debilitating diseases, ie Alzheimers and age-related stuff.
How lucky we are to be British in the early years of the 21st century...
Posted by: Paul C | June 25, 2007 at 01:37 AM
That's like a chimpanzee asking "who will kill all the 'old' if we evolve to start living to 80 years"?
Look at the birth rates in many developed countries, they are way below replacement (except for those on welfare, but then who ever thought THAT idea was really going to work?). In fact Italy has to import its citizens from the Ukraine.
The only places that have "overpopulation" are the places affected by our Aid To Dependent Dictator programs.
Posted by: Bill | June 24, 2007 at 08:08 PM
Hey Scott, don't worry about who will kill off the seniors.
This is a problem that will fix itself.
Health care will become so expensive political pressure will force it to become a government program.
Since the system will need to be "fair", private payment will not be allowed.
This will force the visits to the doctor to be delayed, shortened and automated to the point that medical care will tend to shorten life expectancy instead of extend it.
This is not my idea, this is my experience since I went on Medicare 5 years ago.
Hell, just dealing with the complexity of it has probably already shortened my life by 10%.
Dave
Posted by: Dave | June 24, 2007 at 03:42 PM
U dont dare to published my comment hah?
I said it louder again U r so fucking annoying with ur junkies comic. Never learn. idiot man!
Posted by: Aaron Strickland | June 24, 2007 at 12:24 AM
U r so fucking bullshit !!!!!!!!
Man like u should burned in the deepest hell n never born again. Rubish!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
Posted by: Aaron Strickland | June 24, 2007 at 12:21 AM
u r so fucking bullshit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: rebecca | June 24, 2007 at 12:13 AM
I do believe Futurama posed a solution to this known as 'suicide booths'.
Posted by: T. Kahnoski | June 23, 2007 at 01:23 PM
"So whose job will it be to kill all the senior citizens? Someone has to do it."
Why, Dr. Kevorkian, of course.
Oh, wait, he's dead too. Let Hillary do that then.
Posted by: Sam Lowry | June 23, 2007 at 09:43 AM
I'm sure there is no use adding to the long list of comments here, but this was hilarious to the point of adding a few more minutes to anyone's life who laughs so hard!
Posted by: Art | June 23, 2007 at 09:34 AM
You are insane and I love it.
Posted by: ML | June 23, 2007 at 07:31 AM
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Scott I noticed from your photos the other day that despite being immortal you are still an older looking white male with a SPARE TIRE, and a receding hairline.
Posted by: DJH
================
Humanity has a major image problem.
Maybe society will be better served when 90% of the population is over 100. After all, you need a little more leeway in your standards of beauty once the girl half your age is 123.
Posted by: Neep | June 23, 2007 at 06:32 AM
Woody Allan said something like - "I don't want to become immortal through my work. I want to do it by not dieing." He’s doing better on the not dieing front than making even memorable films just now. Are you that forward looking, Scot? :)
Posted by: Andrew | June 23, 2007 at 04:08 AM
Oh great, it's bad enough I have immortality thrust upon me, now I have to share it with snappy socializing sod-hopping squirrelhead slackers sponging off social security. Get me offa this planet. NOW!
Posted by: Kevin Kunreuther | June 23, 2007 at 03:01 AM
Actually, Jonathan Swift foresaw immortality, see Gulliver's Travels, part 3. There the immortals lose all their rights and possessions after a certain age and left to their own devices. Sounds like a plan.
Posted by: Szo | June 23, 2007 at 02:17 AM
This old problem was worked out over 30 years ago and put into a movie called "Logan's Run".
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0074812/
Everyone will be killed at 30. So there!
Posted by: John S | June 23, 2007 at 12:50 AM
I'm worried. Look hier:
http://s1.gladiatus.ro/game/c.php?uid=27052
Posted by: bork | June 23, 2007 at 12:48 AM
I volunteer to kill them all. And I doubt it'd be just me; I'm sure the world is full of people who, upon reaching immortality, also maintain their human immorality.
$20 per kill and I'll mow those seniors down like noone's business. Just don't bill me for collateral damage.
Posted by: Yippo | June 23, 2007 at 12:16 AM
Scott said in his Dilbert books that evolution would fork between the haves and have-nots of genetic health and intelligence, and the chasm between them is growing wider and wider. Look at the popularity of the World's Dumbest Criminals sites; technology and science is exploding around the world, and it's all literally at your fingertips thanks to the internet. And people buy computers so they can look at porn.
So health is the same way; let's face it, people aren't interested in being among their fellow humans for 200 years. They want to be HOT. At age 40, or 50, or 60, because being sexually attractive means you're less likely to be alone for your last years. And just because, well, having sex is fun. If memory serves.
The select few will discover, and share with trusted others they want to have sex with (or in front of-that's fun too) the secrets to vitality, perfect skin and teeth, and controlling your bladder at age 115. I bet those secrets don't involve pills that are obviously made of chalk, or magnets or interior decorating. They will dominate their neighborhoods and elections and take over corporations and hog the ratings on TV. Actually they already do. The rest of us will end up working two jobs and eventually have our picture taken for theSmokingGun.com.
As for the hordes of have-nots, the economy and rules we grew up on will erode and collapse, and with too many people sucking on not enough nipples spewing not enough money for basic services, being sexy will be trumped by needing food. Especially when the big black cloud of doom spewing out of smokestacks all over Asia and east Europe spreads over here. Living on pills will be seen as the frivolous luxury it really is, and while we can't hop to work, riding a bike will be a bit more fun and necessary.
And suddenly, signing off with no regrets may be seen as a more sensible plan.
Posted by: le big MAC | June 22, 2007 at 11:56 PM
If you really think people will live significantly longer, then real estate is the thing to invest in. In Europe anyway, as there's quite a few people here living on a rather small piece of land.
Already prices have gone up significantly over here because the generation that caused the baby boom is refusing to keel over in a timely fashion.
Posted by: John | June 22, 2007 at 11:43 PM
Q: Who Will Kill all the Senior Citizens?
A: Other Senior Citizens
Either by:
a) Running them over on crosswalks or in mall parking lots becuase they simply didn't see them
b) Causing them to overtake them at dangerous locations after tailing them at 60Km/hr on 110Km/hr roads (I live in Canada if you didn't already know, translate to mph)
c) Fatally misprescribing drugs (see It's a Wonderful Life by Frank Capra)
d) Boring them to death talking about squirrels on their lawns.
e) Going postal because they wre bored by talking about nothing else but the squirrels on their lawns.
Scott, I just turned 43 this week, so you have a 7 year head start on me - please let me know when you start hitching your pants up to your armpits and taking an interest into the lawn related activities of squirrels - I'll buy a ten year calendar and plot my own physical and mental degradation in advance.
Posted by: Calgarian | June 22, 2007 at 10:13 PM
So... you took some pills you bought on the Internet because they were labelled similarly to drugs that someone claims works in a completely unrelated species... and then you started hallucinating?
Goodbye, Scott. I fear your literate days will soon end.
Posted by: Andrew P | June 22, 2007 at 09:58 PM
I think Logan's Run had it right - Turn 30 and that's it or you can also take your chances and try to escape to Sanctuary.
Posted by: Logan | June 22, 2007 at 09:45 PM
it gets worse if you can back up your brain and restore it if killed
Posted by: ian | June 22, 2007 at 09:12 PM
This has nothing to do with today's post but I thought you might find this interesting given your thoughts of who wins elections. It was posted on CNN's Political Ticker.
June 22, 2007
You must be ‘this tall’ to be president?
From left to right: Teddy Roosevelt, Ronald Reagan, George W. Bush, Bloomberg, John F. Kennedy, Bill Clinton, and George Washington.
From left to right: Clinton, Edwards,Obama, Bloomberg, Romney,McCain, Giuliani.
WASHINGTON (CNN) – The taller you are, the better chances you have at becoming Leader of the Free World. Or so says New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg, who has suggested size matters.
Earlier this week, the former Wall Street billionaire fueled speculation that he is considering an independent White House bid after he dropped his affiliation with the GOP. On Wednesday, Bloomberg, again, flatly denied he was a candidate, and has joked that his height may figure into that decision.
“How can a 5-foot-7, divorced, billionaire Jew running as an independent from New York possibly have a chance?” Bloomberg asked in May.
If indeed height plays any factor in the 2008 presidential race, Bloomberg’s got plenty of competition. If he ran, given the existing field, Bloomberg would be the shortest male contender, and only one inch taller than his fellow New Yorker, Democratic White House hopeful Hillary Clinton.
Among the remaining top polling GOP and Democratic candidates, former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney and Illinois Sen. Barack Obama are the tallest – Romney is at 6-foot-2 inches, and Obama is at least 6-foot-1. Former North Carolina Sen. John Edwards and former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani both measure in at exactly 6-feet each; while Arizona Sen. John McCain is 5-foot-9 inches.
We may never know to what extent – if any – a candidate’s height plays in voters’ minds; but based purely on the numbers – if recent elections are any indication – size does matter: shorter candidates generally win.
Take the last four presidential races: In 2004 and 2000, 5-foot-11 inch President George W. Bush defeated taller, Democratic rivals, 6-foot-4 Massachusetts Sen. John Kerry and 6-foot-1 former Vice President Al Gore, respectively. Six-foot-3 inch former Vice President George H.W. Bush lost by a wide margin and a half-inch to shorter, former Arkansas Gov. Bill Clinton in 1992. But former Kansas Sen. Bob Dole got the short end of the stick in 1996 when Clinton defeated the 6-foot-1 Republican. Clinton is an inch and half taller.
The further you go back, the less height would seem to matter. Former Presidents John F. Kennedy, Ronald Reagan, and George Washington were all 6 feet or taller. President Theodore Roosevelt was 5-foor-8 inches. James Madison (not pictured) is the shortest president in American history at 5-foot-4 inches.
Abraham Lincoln stands the tallest at 6-foot-4, but that could all change if former Tennessee Sen. Fred Thompson jumps into the 2008 race: at 6-foot-5 inches he stands a full 10 inches taller than the current New York City mayor.
What do you think? Does height matter to you? Was this a helpful or interesting post or just plain ridiculous? Add your comments below.
Posted by: Tom Bingham | June 22, 2007 at 09:06 PM